[Phoenix~Mama]

I was so agitated at my parents house last night. I don't use a cover around my intimate family members, but my Mom continuiously gets all besides herself if I'm nursing in front of a window and rushes to go close the curtains. I keep telling her to knock it off that it does not bother me to nurse in front of an open window.

Continuing on my Father comes home last night after my Mother closed all their curtains because, horror of horrors I was nursing in the kitchen with all the curtains open! And he couldn't understand why in the 20-something years they have lived there with curtains always open, why she drew the curtains closed. She told him because I was nursing and immediately I got defensive and agitated.

"I have every right to breastfeed wherever I want and it is not obscene and I do not need to cover up! Who cares if someone *might* see me outside!"

To which my Father got all upset and muttered he wished I'd cover up. *sighs*

I'd like for my family to understand this and to stop driving me nuts about it. Have any of you dealt with this in your early time of nursing... what did you do?

 

[ErinsJuneBug]

I would just walk right over and open the curtains. If she freaks out again, then open the door and go nurse outside!!! She is being crazy!

You could always run to the windows and shut the curtain the next time SHE tries to eat.

 

[proudmomof4]

I can relate to how this kind of behavior must hurt you.
Maybe it helps you to see where your parents are coming from. If your mother didn't breastfeed you then this is all "terra incognita" for your parents. This also means that you are choosing a path different from the one they (or specifically your mother) chose with you back then, so you will probably cause feelings along the lines of "you are doing it differently so you are questioning me".
My suggestion: keep it as casual and undefensive as possible. Probably they will get used to it after a while. Look for support (e. g. LLL meetings, AP groups). If it really ticks you off then it is maybe better for everyone's sanity to have them come to your place instead for a while. Do you think it would help if you let them know about the AAP breastfeeding recommendation? Maybe you can also show them your state law in print so that they know your right to breastfeed is protected.
Oh, did I mention? - It really does get remarkably better with the 3rd or 4th nursing toddler around.

 

[Phoenix~Mama]

It doesn't really matter which house we are at. Mom has already closed the blinds in my own living room. lol

The funny thing is Mom did BF us, but only for about 3 months.

Her and I fight a lot about different things I'm doing with the baby. To the point of tears the one time because she wouldn't drop the subject of how my baby supposedly looks parched and I should be giving her a bottle of water because she did with us. I keep telling her that you do not give babies water that breastmilk is all they need and she just kept persisting even when I told her I'd be going against what all the docs have told me.

The same argument with cereal... She has been at me to into cereal because she read that you shouldn't delay solids if babe can sit mostly unassisted. I told her I will not be intro-ing anything til at least 6 months and to drop it. I even showed her papers from the hospital that backed up EBF for 6 months. And I go to LLL meetings and tell her things from that, but she argues it all as that is not what she did with us.

Thank you for the point about how she may see it as me questioning how she raised me... I honestly don't put much thought into what she did with me, I'm just trying to raise my DD with what feels right to me and rather not get stressed out by her everyday for it.

Thoughts on how to bring it to her attention of why she may ride me so hard about my decisions?

 

[birdie22]

I can just imagine saying "maybe you'd be more comfortable if I stepped out on the porch to nurse..."

As a matter of fact, I did nurse on the front porch of my mom's house quite a bit last summer, and she didn't say a word. It never occurred to me that she might have thought that was weird or embarrassing, but she probably did. Less embarrassing than some other things I've done, I imagine.

It sounds like you are actually handling it really well. It does get easier as the babe grows, if only because they will see her thriving.

Have you tried saying, "I'm her mother, and I know what I'm doing. You're just going to have to trust me."

Or else just do what I do, and cultivate a reputation for being a stubborn nut.

 

[limabean]

Quote:

Originally Posted by JSMa ...but she argues it all as that is not what she did with us.

It sounds like she's struggling with this, maybe feeling (irrationally) rejected/challenged. Maybe you could phrase your retorts along the lines of, "The new research shows..." so that it implies that she couldn't have known any differently back when you were a baby.

 

[ramama]

Sometimes I find it best to stop trying to get them on board. Some people quickly jump on board once you let them know that you don't give a flying turd if they're on board or not.

 

[proudmomof4]

From what you are describing you are already doing some of what I suggested in my pp. There seem to be a couple of issues involved here and not just "covering up while you are breastfeeding".

"I honestly don't put much thought into what she did with me, I'm just trying to raise my DD with what feels right to me and rather not get stressed out by her everyday for it."

... which is what you should do. Your job right now is bonding with your baby, getting to know each other, growing into a family.
I liked Limabean's suggestion about "new research shows ...". That would express that you are not doing things different in order to prove your own mother wrong but that you are mothering the way you feel is right based on what we know today.
Somehow I have a feeling that it is just as tough to grow into your role as grandmother "nowadays". Having said that, it is your right to set limits. Your mother needs to accept that she is not allowed to feed your baby cereal e. g. just to spare her feelings.

 

[AnnR33]

When I nursed my first (first of sister in laws to nurse) my FIL and brother would get all flustered and leave the room. I would joke about it but didn't really push it at all. I just kept doing it and never brought attention to it. They continued to get flustered for a while but they got better over time.

After my SIL nursed her 2 kids and me nursing 3 my FIL is totally fine with it now and doesn't even notice most of the time when it's going on. He even asked me once "I thought you said x was hungry and you were going to feed him?" I said "I did!" LOL I was right across the table and he never even noticed...

Hopefully just by being around it and being casual your family will get used to it.

 

[Phoenix~Mama]

Thanks everyone for your replies. The support here is awesome.

She started in again last night.

We were all going out to eat and right away she was like, "Please tell me you brought a bottle to feed her while we are out."

I said, why would I do that? I'm not going to jeopardize my supply just to make you feel more comfortable. She said it didn't have to do with her that she just figured it would be more conveinet for me to feed her a bottle than to nurse her at the table, to which I told her I did not understand that logic at all.

I then flat out asked her if she felt I was incompetent of raising my daughter or something. She said no, so I told her she needs to stop questioning me everyday about my decisions then because it is driving me insane. She didn't say anything after that.

She was asking me more questions about BF today... I think she just doesn't put faith into it for some reason and worries more about my supply than I do. lol She just keeps asking how I'm not worried about DD getting enough. My Mom is semi-religious and I told her it's like beleiving in God... you have to have faith.

 

[Sagesgirl]

Quite honestly, I'd refuse to have the discussion with her anymore. Come out and say it: "These conversations stress me out. I'm not going to entertain the subject further with you." And then turn away from her whenever she starts in again.

To the semi-religious point of view I don't know how I'd say it, but from a devout perspective, the human body is fearfully and wonderfully made. God made every part of our body with purpose. Some, very few, women do have difficulty breastfeeding, but at three months you should have proven by doing.

 

[Emmeline II]

Does she use the computer at all? Kellymom.com is a great resource, is cited, and is easy to get around.

It's strange how people say "isn't more convenient to..." as if you are purposefully making your life difficult

.

 

[readytobedone]

Quote:

Originally Posted by JSMa She just keeps asking how I'm not worried about DD getting enough. My Mom is semi-religious and I told her it's like beleiving in God... you have to have faith.

well, i'm not religious, but this answer wouldn't sit well with me, and it isn't exactly true either. you know she's getting enough because she's eliminating enough and she's growing enough!

as for getting them on board, it would be easier if they were, for sure, but they don't need to be. just do what you need to do and try to ignore their behavior and not engage them in conversation about it. lead by example! i found the more comfortable i acted with nursing and NIP, the more comfortable my whole family became with it. YMMV, of course, but IME it works this way! i have nursed in front of 65 year old men whose wives never breastfed; i just acted like it was the most normal thing in the world.

 

[proudmomof4]

"As for getting them on board, it would be easier if they were, for sure, but they don't need to be. just do what you need to do and try to ignore their behavior and not engage them in conversation about it. lead by example! i found the more comfortable i acted with nursing and NIP, the more comfortable my whole family became with it." (readytobedone)

I have also found that true with family and NIP. And I agree: you don't need your mom's approval. It sure is easier when you have your family's support but use your energy wisely and dare to set limits.

"She was asking me more questions about BF today... I think she just doesn't put faith into it for some reason and worries more about my supply than I do. lol She just keeps asking how I'm not worried about DD getting enough." (JSMa)

Now this was and still is sort of my "red button" with my MIL. I totally understand how this can freak you out.
You said earlier that you were BF "for only 3 months". The reason could be that your mother "didn't make any more milk", "the milk went blue", "the baby just wasn't getting enough any longer" - or so they (the dr.?) said. In that case your mother's old fears ("I was about to starve my baby", "we are just not milk mothers in this family", etc.) might come back to her now.

"I then flat out asked her if she felt I was incompetent of raising my daughter or something. She said no, so I told her she needs to stop questioning me everyday about my decisions then because it is driving me insane. She didn't say anything after that." (JSMa)

Good for you! This is firm but not offensive. You are getting there.

 

[Phoenix~Mama]

That is a really good point about the time she stopped BFing us... I don't particularly know why. She was a SAHM with myself and my two younger sisters til we were all school aged. So she didn't even have the pumping issue to worry about. She actually told me straight out that she could not do what I do with the pumping and stuff and she wishes I could be a SAHM like she was. I do too... but sadly finances do not agree. lol

I think FF was really pushed back then, that is what she has eluded to. Or maybe a doc pushed it on her?

She is concerned about DD's weight because our last peditrician was and had started pushing us to switch to FF and I refused. My Mom gave me a lecture how I should listen to the doc and do what would be best for my DD and I told her I didn't feel FF was the way to go. So I found a new pedi who agreed with me that DD is doing great. My LLL group leader agrees as well, as well as a LC at the hospital I gave birth at.

But it still weighs on my Mom for some reason. Even last night she was asking when DD goes back to the doc and was all worried that the new doc said DD doesn't need anymore weight checks and thinks she is doing fine. (DD is only gaining abut 1.3 - 2 lbs a month so far). But my Mom saved a calendar and I only gained about that too.

 

[yellowPR]

I think all you can do is offer to educate them about breastfeeding. It would be easier if they were on board with you but that's not always possible.

When I was nursing DD, I was able to nurse in front of my mother anytime. It made my father uncomfortable and he was always asking me to cover up. I would just explain to him that DD would not tolerate a blanket over her head. My DD was a temperamental fussy little nurser and we used a nipple shield (huge mistake I was uneducated and trusted the LC in the NICU that we could wean her off the shield. DD was premature.) So it made discreet nursing pretty much impossible. He would either leave the room or I would eventually just cut visits short because he couldn't handle it. It was his loss.

 

[FernG]

I think that asking your mom directly if she though you were incompetent was probably good. Your mom needs to know how she's making you feel.

On the other hand, I know that my parenting choices have made both my MIL and my mom feel judged - like I'm saying what they did wasn't the best choice. I have never flaunted (for lack of a better word) that I BF, cloth diaper, cosleep, baby wear. DH and I were very careful to not even discuss our plans prebirth and to be very casual about it when people saw what we were/are doing. We blamed everything on our laziness and frugality, but MIL and mom were/are still offended and say things like "Well, I did x,y,z and you are all just fine" (which is so far from the truth, but whatever).

What if you tell you mom directly that you think she was a great parent and that her choices worked out really well, but that you think BFing is working better for you and your DD? Your mom is trying to meet some need by questioning you all the time. If you can figure out what your mom needs, then maybe you can address that need and get her to stop driving you insane. Maybe she needs to know that you think she was a good mom or maybe it's something else. I'm just throwing this out there.

 

[proudmomof4]

Quote:

Originally Posted by FernG I think that asking your mom directly if she though you were incompetent was probably good. Your mom needs to know how she's making you feel. (...) What if you tell you mom directly that you think she was a great parent and that her choices worked out really well, but that you think BFing is working better for you and your DD? Your mom is trying to meet some need by questioning you all the time. If you can figure out what your mom needs, then maybe you can address that need and get her to stop driving you insane. Maybe she needs to know that you think she was a good mom or maybe it's something else. I'm just throwing this out there.

But then, there is only so much a new mother can handle.
I like the idea to tell your mom (or MIL) you know she did great but - as times have changed - you will handle a few things differently.
However, it can be very stressful to grow into your role of a mother and at the same time try to spare other people's feelings or meet their needs. Maybe this is a time to be selfish to a certain extent?