Mothering Forum banner
1 - 5 of 5 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
523 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hi all. I have come to this place of wisdom for some advice. In my job I deal with families and the different trials and tribulations they suffer. I have this client and I have a strong feeling she is a victim of DV. She has told me several things that have raised an eyebrow. She tells me her boyfriend has requested she not work at all.... hmmm. She than tells me he is the very jealous type...hmmm. Than she tells me he really doesn't like her in public, quickly adding "it's not like he hits me or anything". I have only been able to meet with her once alone.

I plan to meet with her again next week. I have developed a trust with her, because I have worked so hard for her children in the last month. Here's the question. What is the right way to approach her about DV. she is a past victime of DV. She knows what it is. I want to help her develop a safety plan. I want to let her know that I am available by pager 24/7. Any suggestions?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
222 Posts
I would just approach her with information. Control of another person is psychological abuse, even if it doesn't get physical. You might point out that abuse survivors sometimes continue in the abuse cycle because they are "comfortable" with what is familiar and unintentionally seek out partners who have similar attributes.
Be kind (like you need to be told). Be patient. Even if she has been through "this" before, it is NOT easy to just pack up and go.
Blessings on you for listening to her cues and being there for her when she is ready.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5,000 Posts
Lucky this month is Domestic violence awareness month
Could you make note of the month and ask many people to try to memorize the natioinal DV hotline 1-800-799-Safe. Maybe have a hand out that talks about local resources, in honor of DV awareness month. Something of the generic handout type that wouldn't get her partner upset if he found it hopefully.

I would try to refer to community resources and also remind her that any time she doesn't feel safe she should call 911.

I like the wheel diagram. I should really know it's official name.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
347 Posts
You are kind to be so concerned for her and your instincts are probably right on. I think the OP advice is good and I would add, as a DV survivor, that if there is any way you can show, express or outright say (and I know your position may prevent doing so) that things like a man telling you if you "can" work and being overly jealous are not good. Are outrageous. A "who the bleep does he think he is" attitude coupled with a good dose of empowerment to her as a grown woman and mother fully capable of making her own decisions.

Here's why: I've been in two DV situations. The first was my marriage and it was REALLY bad. The second was a guy I dated five years later and luckily I saw and reacted to the subtle beginnings of abuse. I got him out of our lives before he could or would become physically violent, but damage was done...anyway, both times family and friends and coworkers all liked these guys and were rooting for our relationship. Because DV is so subtle and insidious if someone hasn't personally been in such a situation, they have no idea that the "regular rules" of relationships do not apply. That they make things worse.

So...there were legions of people brushing off the "don't go to work" as "he wants to be the provider" which for a NORMAL man, may or may not be true. But for an ABUSER, whole other story. Jealousy? Lots of people would say (and did to me) that he just really loves her and can't help but show it, aww how sweet, just indulge him. Many people think DV is just screaming and broken bones and black eyes. Which it can be, but not until after a lot of control and very subtle manipulating and isolating.

If those who cared about me had openly expressed how nonsensical and wrong and weird my abusers were being, then I would have felt bolstered. I say this because one person did - when everyone else was saying "ooh, you can't leave him, you're pregnant, who could do that?" while I was covered with bruises and fled my own house, one person said in a shocked way "You're divorcing him, right!!!?" And this was not even a close family member or friend. It gave me courage.

If someone's house was on fire, you'd tell them to run out, right?

All that said, I realize you may not have much opportunity and may be constrained, but just wanting to help and offering your help as OP have mentioned is a great thing.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,976 Posts
Quote:

Originally Posted by rmcarons View Post
Hi all. I have come to this place of wisdom for some advice. In my job I deal with families and the different trials and tribulations they suffer. I have this client and I have a strong feeling she is a victim of DV. She has told me several things that have raised an eyebrow. She tells me her boyfriend has requested she not work at all.... hmmm. She than tells me he is the very jealous type...hmmm. Than she tells me he really doesn't like her in public, quickly adding "it's not like he hits me or anything". I have only been able to meet with her once alone.

I plan to meet with her again next week. I have developed a trust with her, because I have worked so hard for her children in the last month. Here's the question. What is the right way to approach her about DV. she is a past victime of DV. She knows what it is. I want to help her develop a safety plan. I want to let her know that I am available by pager 24/7. Any suggestions?
What line of work are you in?

Do you have a DV shelter in your area? Could you set up a meeting b/n you and an DV trained therapist there so you can talk in confidentiality about your client? I would gain as much detailed information as you can and speak to professionally trained therapist in this field. I would not proceed merely with people's opinions from a message board. And I would be very careful not to lead the witness and/or put words in her mouth.

What are the laws in your state regarding DV?
 
1 - 5 of 5 Posts
This is an older thread, you may not receive a response, and could be reviving an old thread. Please consider creating a new thread.
Top