[RubySlippers]

I hope this is the right forum for this...

Ds's birth was traumatic for myself and Dh, and I'm thinking it has also affected him. I still have lots of unresolved feelings/issues that I need to work through, myself, but right now I'm more concerned about Ds. He's almost 3, and very emotionally aware for his age, and whenever the topic of his birth has come up, he is either very quiet or he gets upset/angry and doesn't want to talk about it anymore. When I was pregnant and when he was a newborn I used to sing a paricular lullaby to him (esp when we were still in hospital...it was the first thing I sang to him after his birth), and since he was around 6 mos or so, he won't listen to it (used to start crying, and now just gets upset/says to stop or turn it off if it's on a CD). Today we were looking at pics on the computer and there were ones from when we were still in the hospital after he was born. He asked where we were, and then why, and when I explained a little further (and I think I was very neutral in the explanation), he got upset/angry, and shut down the conversation.

I am really concerned about the negative feelings he seems to have around his birth. He was taken from us and put in the NICU for his first 24 hrs and I was a complete mess during that time, not capable of fighting them (hospital staff), and we weren't welcome to spend time there with him - he had absolutely nothing wrong with him, just stupid hospital bureaucracy... I'm worried that he has these leftover feelings of abandonment or something - CS with bright lights, cold surroundings, I was able to see him for a minute, and then he was gone to the NICU. We went when we were told we could (every few hours for breastfeeding - and that was even frowned upon, they wanted him on formula and me "resting") and Dh did his very best, but he was taking care of me as well, so Ds was alone there more than he ever should have been.

What I don't know is how to help him process/resolve these feelings? When I try to talk to him about it when he seems upset, he shuts it down completely. I feel like I should respect that, but I'm also worried that he will never let those feelings out or work through them without talking about it.

Any advice?

 

[RubySlippers]

Hmm - I'm still at the top so no real need to bump, but so many views with no responses? No one has anything to say?

 

[Dabble]

Hugs mama. I think you've had so many views without responses because no one knows what to suggest. I don't think many people have had experience helping a child deal with birth trauma. I certainly haven't.

I wonder, since he is emotionally sensitive, if he is picking up on your emotion, no matter how you try to mask it. Maybe just a gentle de-sensitization for both of you, looking at the pictures and re-telling the story on a fairly regular basis. Nothing coercive or forceful, just say "I'm going to look at pictures from when you were born!" and tell the story whether he is actively involved or not.

Maybe make a little photo flip book so he can look through them on his own and integrate them himself?

You don't have to focus on all positive stuff, but certainly make the highlight of the story that you were overjoyed that he had arrived, and that despite the scary parts, it was the best day ever because it was when he was finally here!

Do you think any of that might help?

 

[snowmom5]

I don't have experience helping a child deal with birth trauma issues either.

But I did have two kids in the nicu for a couple weeks, the sicker one being there for 18 days. So I'll give you my two cents based on that. Much of that time I was not there. Of course, I went every day (kinda 9-5), but I had another child at home and could not be there all the time. Honestly neither one knows anything about the experience more than they came early so they stayed in the hospital a while. They don't know that I wasn't there every minute - in fact at this age (they're 6 y.o.) I don't think they'd be too happy about having been left "alone" at the hospital but they won't know that unless they're told. Same with the scary stuff - ds does not know he was on a ventilator in respiratory distress and septic - no point in discussing something like that at this young age. They have no idea that I cried every time I left the nicu. They've seen the pictures from the nicu, but they are far too young to know much more than that. Maybe, perhaps, I told ds that the tube was helping him breathe, but that would be the extent of it. They're now at an age where they can understand more (like what an isolette is for, etc.) but it hasn't come up. (nah, they're much more interested in how babies come out, purely from a mechanical point of view LOL. And in our house babies have come out both ways, section and vaginally, both of which are equally fascinating to them. Still, I try to keep it as simple as possible.)

Because your child seems to be upset about this subject, and is very sensitive about this, my advice would be to let it drop (for a good long while, like years). Don't bring it up, don't look at the NICU pictures in his presence since he's very curious, don't tell the story of his birth when he's in earshot. Don't tell him anything negative at all happened. Kids can be extremely perceptive in terms of their mothers' feelings (especially sadness), but don't have anywhere near the understanding or judgment to know that he didn't make you feel that way. And it's not as though there's some pertinent medical fact that he needs to know at this age (or ever, it sounds like).

I think if there's actually something he needs to work out on the subject, it's going to have to wait until he's older and capable of reason. For one thing, time helps heal. For another thing, he only knows the story from the pictures and what you have told him. If it bothers him, it's probably not something he needs to hear about again and again. If the subject isn't brought up by someone else, it might be a couple years or more before he brings it up himself, and it sounds like he could really use that time before hearing more about this. He may be better able to understand by then, in concrete terms. But I wouldn't mention the experience from your own perspective (as in, your feelings, or the fact that you didn't get to be with him for 24 hours) until he's an adult. If he does ask about it, I would be matter of fact, concrete, ("the doctors were doing a checkup to make sure you were ok, and you were") and absolutely wear a smile.

If you really think he has leftover feelings of abandonment from that 24 hours, what would be the cure? To talk about it? I would suggest that at his age, the cure would more likely be all the things you already do - stay close, tell him you love him quite often, etc.

So, that would be my advice...

 

[RubySlippers]

Thanks so much both of you! I realize that it's sort of a weird thing to be posting about, and I also know we are so lucky that our experience was not any worse than it was (ie. only in NICU for 24hrs, he was healthy, etc.).

We really only talk about it at all he brings it up (like when his baby pics are around or, when someone around us is pregnant or has a baby)and he asks questions - and in very general terms. We really don't talk much at all about our particular experience - in fact only once did I explain a little bit of it to him - just that the doctors helped him come out - when he asked in the course of converation. Mostly it's just birth in broad terms. I'm always very positive or neutral when we talk about it. I think it is true, though, that he probably picks up on my feelings/discomfort on the subject.

The issues I'm worried about are also not just that he was alone for the first 24 hours, but how dh and I handled things in the early weeks/months - we were sort of reeling from our experience, and I think that while we worked hard at being attached, doing all the things we believe are right, the feeling in the house was a pretty anxious/unhappy one a lot of the time. I guess I'm worried about the actual birth and how he was affected by how we were affected, you know?

 

[Jilian]

I can relate but my DS2 is still too young to ask about his rough start. He was born at home and appeared healthy for the first 2 weeks then deteriorated and we learned that he had a life-threatening CHD and he had an emergency quad bypass and a 9 day ICU stay. I suffered PTSD for a bit afterwards and I know DH did too. I agree with the other mama who suggested that maybe he is picking up on your feelings about it. It is hard not to pass on our feelings of sadness when telling the story so we try really hard to focus on how brave DS2 was when sharing his story. I want him to know he is amazing and did so well despite all of the scary things he went through at a young age so I plan on talking to him about it often. We even had a book made for him called "A Warrior's Tale" (his name means Warrior) with pictures of his first few weeks.

 

[Devaskyla]

Quote:

They don't know that I wasn't there every minute - in fact at this age (they're 6 y.o.) I don't think they'd be too happy about having been left "alone" at the hospital but they won't know that unless they're told. Same with the scary stuff - ds does not know he was on a ventilator in respiratory distress and septic - no point in discussing something like that at this young age.

Of course they know, they were there. You haven't told them about it & they may not consciously remember or are able to express it, but they know.

OP, I wish I knew how to help your ds. Ds1 has issues about his birth, especially since he saw his brother's births. He sometimes cries/is sometimes angry about the fact I went to the hospital with him.

 

[claddaghmom]

I have no real suggestions either. But I wanted to say I find it interesting he is 3...that seems to be the age where they can communicate about their memories and still remember it.

Maybe he is not upset about it so much as about the negative feelings surrounding it. He might not have the verbal abilities to deal with bad feelings.

I know someone who is a full grown adult and she still talks about how she felt when her mom had twins (c-sec) and she was basically dropped off at a neighbors for a week (after cosleeping/bfing) at the age of 15 months. She says she still remembers screaming and vomiting and thinking her family had just dropped off the face of the earth.

:

Now, that was obviously traumatizing, but from a child perspective, she says the part that caused her trauma was finally coming home and no one paying any attention.

Maybe you could just spend time with him?

 

[laohaire]

I don't know either. Seems this is an area where some of us need to figure things out.

My DD's first week was traumatizing. She did not latch, and my midwife was of the "oh, it's FINE" variety, which is nice as long as things are really fine. So basically she starved for three days until an excellent LC saved us. By then she was so jaundiced, I don't think the hospital staff had ever seen a baby so jaundiced (over the critical bili limit). So at that point it was like you described, she was in a box and only nursed every 4 hours, and discouraged from "dawdling." One particularly traumatic episode was when I went to see her and she had vomited and was crying so hard, and nobody was helping her. I just about broke. My reaction was the opposite of what you'd imagine; instead of being with her more, I came in to check on her less, because I could not handle it, and the environment was not supporting either of us. Gosh, this is so hard to relive.

I haven't seen quite as much feedback from DD as you've noticed from your son. But we have talked about it sometimes. I often bathe with her, and we have our deepest conversations in the bath. We've had several talks about her birth and the days at the hospital, and she would get quiet and her face would be sad. I've hugged her and told her I was so sorry, and then I would tell her how happy I was when we finally got home, and we could be together all the time, and nurse. I've reminded her that we've been there for her every minute ever since (which is totally true; in 3.5 years she's been with either me or DH every single hour except 2 hours in the care of her much-loved Nana).

I don't want to pretend that experience wasn't terrible, so I don't want to tell her it wasn't so bad, or refocus on her needing medical care or whatever. It was terrible, that's a fact, and frankly our support system let us down bigtime, starting with the MW who refused to see anything that wasn't hunky-dory, and also including the hospital staff who kept us away from our baby (I don't see a single reason why the box couldn't have been in our room, nor why nursing was limited to only every 4 hours for a newborn, nor why we couldn't spend 30 whole minutes with baby out of the box for each nursing, to cuddle and sing and touch). So I don't want to pretend otherwise, but at the same time after acknowledging it I want to move on and emphasize that it's over and mommy and daddy are there for her.

For myself, I've learned from the experience; I'm no longer the person who is too uncertain to ask for what we need. I KNOW that if I ever did this again, I'd be asking for help right away from other people if I got a doofus midwife, and I'd be telling the doctor "I need to nurse her every 2 hours, not 4," and I know DH and I would be camping out in front of her box and ignoring any nurses who tried to discourage us. And we'd priortize spending time with our baby rather than being frightened into letting her go.

Anyway, I hope this wasn't a hijack of your thread - maybe some of it might help.

 

[HybridVigor]

Have you heard of craniosacral therapy? There's a way of helping people release their past traumas which are stored in the body, called somatic release which oftentimes practiced by those licensed in CS and Visceral Manipulation therapies.

We've had great success releasing both DS's and my adhesions associated with our traumatic birth. You can find a practitioner near you at Upledger.com.

Other than that, perhaps play therapy?

 

[Surfacing]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jilian It is hard not to pass on our feelings of sadness when telling the story so we try really hard to focus on how brave DS2 was when sharing his story. I want him to know he is amazing and did so well despite all of the scary things he went through at a young age so I plan on talking to him about it often. We even had a book made for him called "A Warrior's Tale" (his name means Warrior) with pictures of his first few weeks.

LOVE THIS

:

Quote:

Originally Posted by laohaire I don't want to pretend that experience wasn't terrible, so I don't want to tell her it wasn't so bad, or refocus on her needing medical care or whatever.

Yes. This is something that's really challenging about a traumatic birth. I think it's important not to be false about it and pretend everything was okay, but how does it feel for your child to know? Does it give them a certain perspective about themselves or on life?

I too have wondered how to heal my child. As an adult, I've heard that some people undergo some kind of regression therapy to rebirth. Has anyone heard of that? Forgive me for saying so, but it sounds kind of flaky to me.

: I don't know much about it, in all honesty.

This is a good question, OP.

Perhaps part of the healing occurs in the way we support, comfort and love our child as they go through their difficult emotions. Perhaps nothing particularly fancy has to take place, we just have to be able to sit with the feelings, let them be, and communicate love, acceptance and calmness. ? I don't know, just some thoughts.

 

[RubySlippers]

Wow - thanks so much for all of your responses! It's so nice just to have some validation of they issue, many wouldn't give it much credence. I'm thinking that for now I'm going to be open to his feelings and questions, but obviously not push anything. We are TTC right now, so the issues will likely be coming up again whenever there's another baby on the way.

I don't know much about cranial sacral therapy - sounds interesting. I wonder if there'd be anyone around here who practices it - we're in a small, very mainstream city. Something to consider...

 

[CrunchyChristianMama]

My DD had a rough birth experience as well. I speak to her about it sometimes and she received chiropractic care to deal with the issues it caused her physically. I found that speaking to her about it as a baby was very healing for both of us. She always seemed happier after I talked to her and told her that I know it was rough and I was sorry that she was in pain, but that I love her and will do anything I can to help her through it. At first I felt kind of silly talking to a newborn as though she could understand my words...but I realized the words were more for me, the feelings of understanding and empathy were for her.