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My dear friend just had a stilbirth, two weeks before her due date. How can I help her? I am printing out some of these threads for her, but I am at a loss. I have a 15 month old daughter and I feel strange having her around my friend. I am afraid it will be too painful. How did you feel around other children. Any advice you can give me would be so helpful. Thank you
 

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I wouldn't push anything. Tell her you are there for her. Listen to her do not to judge or give advice. Just be with her and she will lean on you. Validate her feelings and make her dinner.
 

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It is so wonderful that you care enough to try and help her at such a hard time. Honestly I was alright with other children after I lost my daughter, but not newborn babies. The hardest thing for me was my pregnant SIL who was due at the same time I was. I still have a hard time with new babies, but older babies and toddlers dont' bother me. That said, my Dh had an awful time with other children. He couldn't handle our nice who was 6 months at the time or our Nephew who was 4 months old. It took him several months to be able to be around them. He still hasn't been able to hold our newest niece.

Some things you can do for her would be to just be with her. She needs some one to talk to, someone to share her greif with. The best thing to say is "I'm sorry" and "I love you". What ever you do don't say "it was for the best" or "You can have another baby". She wanted this baby. You might bring her a few premade meals so she doesn't have to worry about cooking, or even offer to come over and cook for her. You might try finding a babysitter for your dd when you visit until you know for sure that she is alright seeing her. Some nice gifts include, books about pregnancy loss, a special piece of jewelry (angel and heart pendants, or birthstones) and having a star named after the baby. Also live plants are nice if she likes plants. But most of all just make yourself available. She may have a hard time telling you that she needs you, so go ahead and call or stop by. Ask her questions about the baby, and let her tell you what she wants to tell you. She may want to share pictures. Don't look at them if you don't think you can handle it, but if you can it would probably mean alot to her to have you tell her how beautiful her baby is. You could also share this board with her.

I can tell that you are a good friend and that you will do your best to support her. Please do not forget that her partner is suffering too. Let her know that this board is here if she needs us.
 

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You know, for me, after our daughter, Amanda Joy, was stillborn, the things that meant the most were:
1. Those who stopped by with meals and said how sorry they were, gave us a hug and then left.
2. Someone (we will never know WHO) send us a big sympathy card, with a whole bunch of small sympathy cards inside, each envelope marked a day of the week. So for the next week, we got to open a beautiful card, with a handwritten message of love and sympathy inside. And just signed, Someone who cares. That meant soo much to me.
3. My sister and her boyfriend bought us a huge Yucca tree houseplant. We named it The Amanda Tree. It still sits in our living room, and is a living memorial to our daughter.
4. This just happend last week, 4 years 3 1/2 months after our loss. A gal who I had been writing to, after SHE lost a baby 2 years ago, sent me a beautiful bracelet, with all my children's names on it, and their birthstones, including Amanda, and she also added an extra birthstone bead for the baby we miscarried in December. It is beautiful and a wonderful way to remember.
This site sells absolutely beautiful custom made bracelets, designed for you to remember your baby!
http://www.angelfire.com/stars3/kmdo...redalways.html
5. My sister will send me notes and emails telling me how much of an impact on her life Amanda was. She writes beautiful words of how much she loves me and is there for me. It is wonderful to get the reminders even now, 4 + years later!
Hope some of these suggestions help you!
HUGS!
Stephanie
 

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This is different for every person but I had a hard time with any children for quite some time. It wasn't so much the children as it was seeing the mother/child relationship and knowing that I didn't have that...boiled down to jealously. I would definitely offer to come without the first time as this will allow you to focus solely on the grieving mom then talk to her about her feelings for the next time. The main point is...make sure there is a second time. Very few grieving moms will actually respond to the "if you need anything, just call"...I never called but needed so much.

Stephanie29...I absolutely love #2...I wish someone had done that for me.
 
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