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Discussion Starter #1
Is there a way to stay sane during crazymaking and gaslighting? The books I've read haven't given me any real tips that have worked.<br><br>
I'm not looking to "show" him what he is doing, just to keep track of what is my stuff and what is his stuff so that I can focus on changing my stuff. I find myself constantly getting turned around, even when I know that I hold no fault whatsoever in our issue. I like to make myself the bad guy. And it is even harder when there are times that I react in a way that isn't appropriate but the core issue is still his issue. I try to apologize for my reaction but then I end up apologizing for everything.
 

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I think posting here a lot helps (or even in Parents as Partners.) Getting outside opinions always helps me figure out what I'm doing wrong (if anything) vs. what dh is doing wrong.
 

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Hmmm...gosh that's a really hard question! The thing is, what I found was that until I left, the situation just kept increasing in craziness, you know? I was so entrenched in it by the time I left that I was in fact, half crazy myself. I didn't even realize it until well after the fact - and even now I am having "realizations" all the time, you know? I found it very, very hard to detach when I was in the situation.<br><br>
The only thing I can recommend is just that: detach as much as you can and try to tell yourself as often as possible that he is the one with the problem, not you, and that it's totally pointless sitting around waiting for him to be nice to you. It's more productive to simply plan things for YOU and the kids to do WITHOUT him - things that are not dependent on his being in a good mood or being nice to you. That way, it can be possible sometimes to have a nice day.<br><br>
*HUGE hugs* - really the only cure for me was to get out of there... It's so much better on the outside. XXXXX
 

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The only real way is to leave him, and I'll be honest, I hope you leave him soon.<br>
The other thing that may help is to talk about what he's doing. Abuse, gaslighting and emotional abuse really needs secrecy. He's counting on you to not tell people how badly he treats you. If you talk about it, if you shine light on the way that he is abusing you, it's easier to see how wrong his actions are. And if people know about it, especially people in real life, they can help you recognize what is going on and find the strength to leave.<br>
I have to say this strongly and clearly: You can't make some one not abuse you, and when you're in an abusive relationship there is no way to respond to the abuse that will make it less abusive. All you can do is not be there to be abused.<br>
You CAN leave this man. It is possible.
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

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It would have really helped me if I had been able to journal his outbursts/episodes more. When it was really intense, he was unemployed and home 24/7, thus making it really hard to write down what actually happened. But if you can write stuff down soon after it occurs, it may help you step back and see what happened.<br>
Ultimatley, though, I agree w/ *MamaJen*. I called a hotline a week before I left with this very same question.
 

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Discussion Starter #7
I have started checking in with a few of my friends about what is "normal". The looks I get when I share some of our interactions tell me our relationship isn't. However, that is exactly why I never share. I don't want pity. I still truly believe I hold responsibility in this and I want to figure out what that is.<br><br>
I have also begun journaling so hopefully that will help.<br><br>
I shared a bit with our new joint counselor (he is counseling us both right now and we will do counseling together at some point). I haven't been able to name it though. I tried today and just couldn't. Our counselor seems to think (along with most of the Al-Anon folk) that it is all related to the alcoholism and my enabling. I keep hoping that is true.<br><br>
There are reasons that I cannot leave at this time. I have to figure out how to survive for 2-3 years.
 
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