[Anne2008]

I just started seeing someone, and I'm wondering about this. There's plenty I like about him, but im not convinced he's right for me/us. It's early days though so Im going to give it more time.

Somethings I'm thinking about,

-I don't feel like I can learn anything from him, If he was an older man I could learn lots from him because he would have a lot more life experience, whereas this guy is only one year older than me.

-Continuing with not being able to learn much from him, he's from Afghanistan so although he has lived here for several years, he still doesn't know much about some basic things here. -hard to explain what I mean, but like typical things almost everyone knows about and he doesn't have a clue. Because of this, is he going to be able to teach DS anything too? That isn't good if he can't.

-With him being from a none-english speaking country, his English isn't as good as I'd like it to be. It makes conversations difficult sometimes because I don't know what he's on about or he doesn't know what I mean etc.

-Continuing with the language barrier thing, his accent is very strong, so Im concerned about if/when DS meets him how he's going to find it trying to talk to him and not being able to understand him very well. -That can't be good for DS.

-Also, he is in college for English as although he can speak it fairly well, he can't read it well or write it, so again how is this going to affect DS? He won't be able to help DS with school work or read books to him or other simple things like that. That has to be frustrating for a child when someone can't do those things with them, or praise them for getting school work right because they themselves don't understand it.

Do these concerns seem valid to you ladies? Or am I worrying over nothing of any real importance here? I've given it a lot of thought and I don't feel like im being fair to DS, like this guy isn't good enough to be a father figure for him -mainly because of the points I've made above.

(As I said at the beginning there's plenty of stuff I like about him, im not trying to sound mean here im just trying to vent some of the negatives I feel about him)

 

[MsChatsAlot]

From the beginning, you've been looking at the negatives. This often means that you know in your heart he's not right, but for some other reason you keep pushing forward. But as you push forward, knowing it's not right, you look for and focus more on 'justifications' for it to be wrong.

If he's not the guy for you...that's okay. You don't need to explain, you don't need reasons all you need to know is that in your heart he just doesn't feel like the man for you.

Logic is not really a part of love. If you were into this man, you would only see his wonderful aspects. The fact that you're focusing on everything that bothers you is a clear indication that you're just not into him.

And now typing those words, you might want to look at the book, "He's Just Not That Into You", because it may give you some good insight into dating and the info in it is written from a man's perspective, but can apply the same for women too.

 

[corysmilk]

I agree if he was "the one" you would know and your post would be very diffrent.
Dating is fun and nessacary. But not eveyone we date is a a potetioal father/husband.
I think you have some valid points about him and your ds.
but what do I know I haven't dated in a long time. so your one ahead of me

 

[meemee]

i wrote my answers in blue.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Anne2008 -I don't feel like I can learn anything from him, If he was an older man I could learn lots from him because he would have a lot more life experience, whereas this guy is only one year older than me. age has nothing to do with wisdom. i know many 50 year old men who are much younger than the 35 year olds i know. so that reasoning doenst fly with me. now if he is immature that is a different thing. but just to make this conjecture based on age is wrong. -Continuing with not being able to learn much from him, he's from Afghanistan so although he has lived here for several years, he still doesn't know much about some basic things here. -hard to explain what I mean, but like typical things almost everyone knows about and he doesn't have a clue. Because of this, is he going to be able to teach DS anything too? That isn't good if he can't. well how about all the unique persepectives he gets. being an immigrant. a new look at life here. you win some you loose some. by focusicng on what he doesnt get, you close ur eyes to the things he DOES get over and beyond others. -With him being from a none-english speaking country, his English isn't as good as I'd like it to be. It makes conversations difficult sometimes because I don't know what he's on about or he doesn't know what I mean etc. do u mean you have never come across anyone who speaks english but cannot communicate? they know the words but dont know how to put their ideas in such a way that others can understand. -Continuing with the language barrier thing, his accent is very strong, so Im concerned about if/when DS meets him how he's going to find it trying to talk to him and not being able to understand him very well. -That can't be good for DS. why not? this would be excellent for DS. he can adapt. he can try to understand what he is trying to say. in our fellowship we have a south american with a v. thick accent. my dd learnt to talk to him and figure him out. took time. all the kids learnt to understand him and asked him to repeat if they couldnt understand. -Also, he is in college for English as although he can speak it fairly well, he can't read it well or write it, so again how is this going to affect DS? He won't be able to help DS with school work or read books to him or other simple things like that. That has to be frustrating for a child when someone can't do those things with them, or praise them for getting school work right because they themselves don't understand it. ur DS can act as the teacher and teach him. i bet he would get a kick out of it.

 

[soso-lynn]

To be perfectly honest, it seems like all the reasons you are giving are slightly...you know...racist or at least ethnocentric. Just because someone does not fully grasp English does not mean that, in their native tongue, they are not the most eucated, witty person who can teach you a lot if you just bother to pay attention. Just because someone has an accent does not mean they are stupid. When is the last time anyone you know decided to move to a country where no one speaks their language and go to college there? What about him teaching his native language(s) to you and your DS? What about bringing in a non-American perspective to conversation.

Now, if you really just do not want to be with this guy, then don't. You need to have a good reason to be with someone, not the other way around.

 

[Anne2008]

Thanks ladies, really appreciate your comments. I did try to make it clear in the first post there are reasons Im with him, positive things, this was just to vent about the negative points I've been thinking about and get some feed back.

soso-lynn I agree all my points are to do with him being from a foreign country. I hope I don't sound racist, im definately not -I wouldn't be seeing him if I was.

So the majority opinion is these are not very valid concerns. If I didn't have a child I know I wouldn't be concerned about any of this stuff (apart from the first 2 wisdom/age ones), but because of DS I feel a lot of pressure to find someone who will be a really good father figure to him and a great male role model. -Maybe Im thinking no-one is good enough, which is silly because no-one is perfect. Im very protective of DS and that could be making me magnify a man's negatives because he would only be good enough if he had NO negatives about him. I know that isn't realistic at all, but it could be what my problem is right now. yk? anyone else feel like that?

 

[MsChatsAlot]

Every person on this planet has experiences, knowledge and things to share with others if we open up our hearts and allow them the space to do it.

Sometimes it is in a person's error's that we learn the greatest things. The people that sometimes seem the least likely to be a good role model are sometimes the ones that are the best.

 

[meemee]

amen sister. amen MCAL. well said. well said!!!!

anne forget everyone and everything else. think only about urself. you are not 'looking' for a perfect dad for ur DS. you are looking for a person for u. forget about ur son.

look at urself. what are the things that matter to u. and once you start focusing on that ur son's wishes will follow.

there are mama's here who have done just that and then decided it was time to call it an end because it wasnt working out as a family. and for others it worked out fine.

what are your needs? are you discovering those?

dont focus now on the perfect father figure. focus on the perfect partner for you.

but mostly even forget that.

just see him for who he is and dont judge every action he makes. just appreciate him for who he is.

 

[EstherHalinaMommy]

I have to disagree with some of you. I was married to a refugee with limited English and while he had mental problems, the lack of communication caused HUGE problems between us. And He could not talk to our children about so many important things. At 2 years old my daughter could speak much better English than he could. Cultural differences and language barriers are not just small issues that can be overcome. Just because you want to be open to other cultures/races/ethnic groups does NOT mean it is wise to date or marry them, especially if you add children to the mix. Her concerns are valid ones, it does not matter if they seem racist or not, IMO. She is right in thinking of her son first.

 

[soso-lynn]

Obviously, if 2 people are unable to communicate enough to understand each other, it would be difficult to develop a deep, meaningful and reciprocal relationship. I just thought that went without saying.

 

[Anne2008]

Quote:

Originally Posted by EstherHalinaMommy I have to disagree with some of you. I was married to a refugee with limited English and while he had mental problems, the lack of communication caused HUGE problems between us. And He could not talk to our children about so many important things. At 2 years old my daughter could speak much better English than he could. Cultural differences and language barriers are not just small issues that can be overcome. Just because you want to be open to other cultures/races/ethnic groups does NOT mean it is wise to date or marry them, especially if you add children to the mix. Her concerns are valid ones, it does not matter if they seem racist or not, IMO. She is right in thinking of her son first.

Thanks for this! I think it could cause problems, I do have to use more simple words sometimes when I know I could use longer ones...stuff like that. But it doesn't bother me at this point because we can communicate to a good standard, we know what the other is saying, but he has a strong accent so im not sure DS is going to find it easy communicating with him which will make it hard for them to have a relationship.

Quote:

Originally Posted by soso-lynn Obviously, if 2 people are unable to communicate enough to understand each other, it would be difficult to develop a deep, meaningful and reciprocal relationship. I just thought that went without saying.

We can communicate well enough to understand eachother very clearly, so I still think we can have a good relationship, but it will probably be a bit more difficult to do with him than someone these issues wouldn't arise in. Sometimes he will say the wrong English word for something and I have to ask "what do you mean" maybe once or twice until I understand what he is trying to say. And having to use simpler words than usual seems a bit weird at times, but I can understand that...however my son might not.

I still don't know if it's fair on DS. Especially with what EstherHalinaMommy said about if he can't talk to DS about important things, which is likely to be the case, or help him with his school work and reading etc...because he himself doesn't understand it anyway.

 

[DanishMom]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Anne2008 I still don't know if it's fair on DS. Especially with what EstherHalinaMommy said about if he can't talk to DS about important things, which is likely to be the case, or help him with his school work and reading etc...because he himself doesn't understand it anyway.

It seems like you can communicate quite clearly with this guy. I'm sure your DS wont mind one bit especially if you see this as a good thing. I think this is a great opportunity to teach your DS patience and openness. I'm sorry but I have to say that some of what you wrote does seem like a bad excuse - like you are looking for things not to like. That is SO not fair to the guy you are dating. It seems like the reservations you have are all about you as an individual person and not so much about your son. I'm sure your son will love whoever you love!

I think you are putting too much pressure on the relationship if you are looking for a father figure who can do homework with your son and not just be a partner to you who'll eventually become close friends with your son . It does seem like a paradox that you don't want him to call when your son is awake but on the other hand you have so many role he needs to fulfill as a dad.

 

[Anne2008]

Quote:

Originally Posted by DanishMom It does seem like a paradox that you don't want him to call when your son is awake but on the other hand you have so many role he needs to fulfill as a dad.

I just wanted to point out here, I have only been seeing him for 3 weeks, we haven't developed that good of a relationship where I won't mind him taking my time from DS, I can see us reaching that point in the future, but it's such early days I don't want to sacrifice time with my son for someone I haven't even been seeing for a whole month yet.

Yes there are role's I want a potential long term partner to be able to fulfill for DS, but those role's are a long way down the track, I'm just trying to look ahead at the future because I want to make sure im not wasting my time with someone who isn't going to be right for us both.

 

[DanishMom]

But what makes you think that this guy can't teach your son lots of things besides English? He might know a lot about biology, math, be a great story teller or teach your son about about his home country and culture.

I'm sorry, I don't mean to start an argument with you. I just feel sorry for the guy you are dating. I think it's your anxiety that prompts you to look so hard for any real or potential faults and problems. I'd be absolutely devastated if someone did that to me. I really think you need to decide one of two things: either be completely open to this guy or decide that you just aren't ready/or that you really don't think that he is right and stop seeing him.

 

[LauraN]

I'm not single, and don't belong in this forum, so feel free to kick me out. But I am married to a guy from another country who used to have language issues, so I thought I might have something to add here.

On the one hand, the gift of multiculturalism is an amazing thing to bestow on your child. This guy has a lot to teach your son that is much more important than helping with spelling words. But it will only seem like a gift if it's something you find value in. Right now, you seem to be equating "trouble in English" with "lack of intelligence/wisdom" which I think is terribly unfair. If you can see that the two things are not the same thing, then your relationship will grow in a new direction.

On the other hand, marrying someone from another country inevitably leads to cultural clashes. So you have to have an awful lot of respect and trust in your partner in order to be able to work through the cultural misunderstandings.

For instance, in my husband's culture, they sometimes click their tongues to mean "no" but to me that tongue click is the sound of being annoyed, so I find it very dismissive if I ask him a yes or no question and get a tongue click in response. It's taken me many years to reprogram myself to just hear that as a "no." But it took both of us understanding that we really did see things differently, and in this particular case, I had to understand that to him, that tongue click was as natural and ingrained as shaking my head is to me. In other such situations, he's been the one to change a habit or understand things differently. I could go on and on, as there are many such situations in a multicultural marriage. Some are silly, but others have the potential to hurt feelings or even insult if not dealt with respectfully and with trust.

So as to whether he's good for you, you need to listen to your instincts. Is he kind? Is he gentle? Those to me are the most important traits in a potential spouse. Everything else will work itself out. Putting a lot of pressure on him to be the perfect father is unfair. Nobody will be a perfect father. But someone who is a good partner to you will naturally be a good friend to your child. And really, that's what you should be aiming for.

I read in another thread here that blended families that have a romantic need to immediately become the perfect family are destined to fail. On the other hand, if the family is formed with a clear understanding that a step-parent needs time to build a relationship with the children and that there will be bumps along the road (lowering expectations of perfection) means that the new family has the best chance for success.

 

[Anne2008]

Thanks for responding LauraN, that was very insightful! I think I am over thinking this stuff way too much, that's just how I am -but I know I want a partner, I don't want to be single anymore. I really do want that committed long term happy relationship. No one is perfect, I have to accept that. I keep reminding myself as long as there are more positives than negatives I can cope with that. -In the grand scheme of things, the negatives don't really seem that big of a deal. If I wasn't fretting over this stuff, it would be something else, Im an anxious nervous wreck I swear.

Could I be being too over-protective of DS? Obsessing about what a guy has to be like for him to be good enough to be in his life....I think that's my problem, because as I said before, If I didn't have a child, I wouldn't think twice about being with this guy. I feel like if I don't find the "perfect man" Im somehow hurting DS, which is stupid because no man is perfect.

I don't want those feelings to prevent me from being a relationship though, I feel torn.

 

[kimiij]

Quote:

Originally Posted by soso-lynn To be perfectly honest, it seems like all the reasons you are giving are slightly...you know...racist or at least ethnocentric. Just because someone does not fully grasp English does not mean that, in their native tongue, they are not the most eucated, witty person who can teach you a lot if you just bother to pay attention. Just because someone has an accent does not mean they are stupid. When is the last time anyone you know decided to move to a country where no one speaks their language and go to college there? What about him teaching his native language(s) to you and your DS? What about bringing in a non-American perspective to conversation. Now, if you really just do not want to be with this guy, then don't. You need to have a good reason to be with someone, not the other way around.

ITA. Just because he doesn't speak English, it doesn't mean he's stupid and that he can't teach your son anything.

If the issue is that you want something just like you in terms of race and language, then maybe he's not the one.

 

[meemee]

one of the best advice i got as a mom - was from my mom. she always told me - put urself first. always, always take care of urself first. without u there is no child.

gosh i was shocked and thought she was so mean - and then i learnt.

how i live my life, who i am defines the outer reality of my life. 3 years ago i was in this horrible horrible job. it pulled me down and i hated being there. yet i couldnt leave coz i had to be there for dd's sake. everything went wrong in my life. i got into a car accident and totalled my car. my rent went up enough to where i couldnt afford it. my dd started her stomach pains due to anxiety. i was barely making it.

and i got out. and i swore never again would i live like that again. and i havent. i chose for myself and myself as meemee the person. not meemee the mom or even think of my dd. and i cant tell you how much our life has improved. mind u i am still poor. but no more anxiety pains from dd. have lots of support in everywhere from people who have adopted me as family. my dd got over her initial dislike of school and is doing much better. i am involved in a few things which meet my inner sustainance - without paying a dime, but in kind. things that i want are coming to me v. smoothly. opportunities to better myself are appearing from everywhere. even found babysitters with whom my dd LOOOOOVES hanging out and hates it when i have to pick her up and end her party.

so that is the difference just thinking for myself did. its a hard hard thing to do esp. without gulting ourselves. its amazing what a huge difference it has made in my dd's life. she is more open to do things she doesnt like. be in a situation she doesnt really want to be in. find something positive to make an otherwise not so positive situation more bearable.

all this because i decided to do things for myself. and myself alone. if he is good with you - really good and not just partly good, he will be great with ur ds. how can someone love the mother and not the child kwim. its a package deal. and if he just loves the mom - then it isnt teh kind of love you want.

go slowly and steadily and be gentle and kind both to urself and to him.

and again i say live in your heart more rather than in your head. if you give your head more control over ur decisions - then OMG you will never have what u want. it will guilt trip u out of everything. anything. and give u reasons too.

remember if you want to find the perfect man - find the perfect man for YOU not the perfect man for DS. heck my dd's found the perfect man - but he aint perfect for me.

 

[meemee]

one of the best advice i got as a mom - was from my mom. she always told me - put urself first. always, always take care of urself first. without u there is no child.

gosh i was shocked and thought she was so mean - and then i learnt.

how i live my life, who i am defines the outer reality of my life. 3 years ago i was in this horrible horrible job. it pulled me down and i hated being there. yet i couldnt leave coz i had to be there for dd's sake. everything went wrong in my life. i got into a car accident and totalled my car. my rent went up enough to where i couldnt afford it. my dd started her stomach pains due to anxiety. i was barely making it.

and i got out. and i swore never again would i live like that again. and i havent. i chose for myself and myself as meemee the person. not meemee the mom or even think of my dd. and i cant tell you how much our life has improved. mind u i am still poor. but no more anxiety pains from dd. have lots of support in everywhere from people who have adopted me as family. my dd got over her initial dislike of school and is doing much better. i am involved in a few things which meet my inner sustainance - without paying a dime, but in kind. things that i want are coming to me v. smoothly. opportunities to better myself are appearing from everywhere. even found babysitters with whom my dd LOOOOOVES hanging out and hates it when i have to pick her up and end her party.

so that is the difference just thinking for myself did. its a hard hard thing to do esp. without gulting ourselves. its amazing what a huge difference it has made in my dd's life. she is more open to do things she doesnt like. be in a situation she doesnt really want to be in. find something positive to make an otherwise not so positive situation more bearable.

all this because i decided to do things for myself. and myself alone. if he is good with you - really good and not just partly good, he will be great with ur ds. how can someone love the mother and not the child kwim. its a package deal. and if he just loves the mom - then it isnt teh kind of love you want.

go slowly and steadily and be gentle and kind both to urself and to him.

and again i say live in your heart more rather than in your head. if you give your head more control over ur decisions - then OMG you will never have what u want. it will guilt trip u out of everything. anything. and give u reasons too.

remember if you want to find the perfect man - find the perfect man for YOU not the perfect man for DS. heck my dd's found the perfect man - but he aint perfect for me.

 

[Anne2008]

Quote:

Originally Posted by kimiij ITA. Just because he doesn't speak English, it doesn't mean he's stupid and that he can't teach your son anything.

Oh yeah I know that, I think what I meant was he doesn't know the usual stuff most people from this country know about our culture and society and other things such as knowing who the really famous singers/actors are etc...not that Im big on that stuff but I do read celebrity magazines like "OK" and keep up to date on it to some degree. But that stuff isn't as important as his personality and character traits is it?

Quote:

Originally Posted by meemee one of the best advice i got as a mom - was from my mom. she always told me - put urself first. always, always take care of urself first. without u there is no child. gosh i was shocked and thought she was so mean - and then i learnt.

That does seem harsh but it makes sense. I'll have to give that some thought.