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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hey ladies...feeling kind of down in the dumps lately. School's over for the summer so I have more time on my hands, plus I just get AF this am which doesn't help my mood any.

Dd went to camp this summer, every day for 8 weeks. Her father was working there and I was in school & she's never been away before so it was the best transition I could expect but my heart is breaking. I wanted so bad to be a sahm & loved my time at home even though my marriage was awful. I'm looking toward the future & I'm so discouraged. I'm done with school after this fall & then a job, full time because I need benefits & keep my house & I won't likely find a school librarian job that is part-time anyway. I did not want to be in this rush, scheduled cycle.

So I'm going to have to find before school care for her most likely (most secondary schools around here start at 7:30 or 8 so I'll have to be out of the house by 7 am), rushing around every morning, trying to get it together & leave for the day & then not be there for her because I'm at work (This isn't coming out how I mean...I wanted to be able to pick her up from school if she's sick or something. My mother always worked & I always felt like such a burden to other people when things like this happened & I never wanted my child to feel this way). I'm so angry that he took away my dream. I don't see how to do all the things I want to do for and with dd while working full time & all the stress that goes along with it.

I'm sorry that this is rambling & if this is coming across as whiny, but I am so stuck in this place of hate and resentment and I can't seem to move past it. I am trying to live my own life and get myself together so Hannah has a strong and resourceful mama to look up to but I also dwell on the hate. I know that this is not healthy & doesn't do me any good, but I still can't get past it.

Please tell me what worked for you, how do you deal with these feelings?
 

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: I don't know either. I hate that I will not be able to follow my dreams until the kids are older. I hate that the girls will have to go into a daycare setting. And I hate that we are making all the sacrifices, while he just goes on with a new life. I'm looking for answers to this as well.
 

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Boredom with stuckness helps. So does a real sense of being able to get up and do something else. And a sense of realpolitik and humor, because ultimately dwelling on things has to do with a sense of injustice, which in turn has to do with a sense that someone else should come fix. Which is simply not the way of the world. Sure, injustice is sometimes corrected, but usually through some sort of force or use of power. Which means you gotta get up and get the power, baby.


A sense of mission also helps. You need a new dream, in other words. One that's seriously appealing.
 

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Personally, I just bury my head in the sand and pretend none of this is happening.
Why does dd have to be in camp for 8 weeks. Couldn't you take her out early and have a little vacation time together before school starts. Something inexpensive, camping or something. Even if it's for only a couple of days?
 

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Mama, I COMPLETELY understand what you're going through
This was BY FAR the hardest thing for me to let go of. I still struggle with it. I really had my heart set on being a SAHM and always being there for my DS when he needed me and now I can't always be there. I also had a mom who worked ALL THE TIME and I hated it and always felt like a burden too.

It's hard when DS is sick and I have to worry about missing important classes to stay home with him, and I have to miss out on working (and the money that comes with it!). The best thing you can do is to have a big support network lined up even before you need it. I've also been trying to see the positives in my situation. I like that DS's school does so many fun activities with him. I know if he was still home with me we wouldn't be doing some of the things he enjoys doing at school. He also enjoys the interaction with other kids and I can't offer that to him at home. He's also imporoved his speech and developmental skills - and this is HUGE because he has some delays. When I get really sad I think of all this and it helps a bit.

Try not to get too upset. Just cherish what time you do have with DD and make it special.
 

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I've struggled with this over time, it's kind of a roller coaster. But I know when I was a wahm (doing in home child care, ex never provided enough for me to sah w/o working), I was holding the whole world together...and it was really wearing me out. Though things aren't absolutely better, my kids are now of pre-school and kindergarten age, and enjoy their school for the most part...and like Jilian said, there are things that their school gives them that I can't. So like everything in life that isn't what you expect, some of it takes adjustment, but you never know when there may be a blessing in disguise.

I think rmcarons had a good idea...perhaps more one-on-one time with your dd would help you feel more connected to one another.

 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Thanks mamas. It does help a lot to know that I'm not alone in how I feel about this whole thing.

I am trying to focus on my own dreams, live my own life, but a big part of that dream was being part of a stable, loving family. I know my definition of family now has to be adjusted, that's the part I'm having trouble with. Along with the feelings of resentment...E gets to go live his irresponsible life because he's not happy, be a good-time dad once a week and play the woe-is-me card. I would *never* leave my dd, but 'holding the whole world together' responsibility is so daunting. I am scared.

Quote:

Originally Posted by rmcarons
... Why does dd have to be in camp for 8 weeks. Couldn't you take her out early and have a little vacation time together before school starts. Something inexpensive, camping or something. Even if it's for only a couple of days?
She started camp June 26 & I started school July 5. I wanted to be available the first week in case it was a nightmare but she adjusted very well. I was taking 3 summer courses (usally they limit to 2 but they know my situation) plus doing observation hours, so there was very little time to really spend with her like we used to. I just finished up school on Tuesday night, and the last 3 days of camp are lots of fun activities so I didn't want to take her out. We do have the next couple of weeks together, but it's more the whole situation & this is my life from now on.

I'm a mellow person....like doing crafty stuff w/ dd, going to the pool, playground, etc. I feel like these are the things that are being taken away from me. I hate that 'treadmill' life & that's where I'm headed & I don't see any way to avoid it. I hate, hate, hate E for changing the gameplan. Again, I *know* I need to refocus, and that there are no gurantees in life, but it doesn't help on a visceral level when dd says 'mama, don't go to class tonight. I miss you.' I don't have this burning desire to be there, but I feel like I'm forced to finish this degree in record time and it breaks my heart when I just want to be home.

Argh - anyhoo, off to clean a bit before I have to go pick her up.

Thanks again mamas!
 

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Quote:

Originally Posted by TeaBag
And I hate that we are making all the sacrifices, while he just goes on with a new life. I'm looking for answers to this as well.
I SO agree! I'm so bitter! Right now, at this moment, I feel okay but usually I'm not! Losing my SOB x is not a huge loss. I know this. But the loss of my hopes and dreams that were 10 yrs in the making stinks! Chances are, I'll be okay. I may even remarry one day but that will be different. It won't be 2 young people marrying and having a young family together and living happily ever after. It'll be step-this and step-that and half-whatever. Not my dream. Yeah I know my life will be better in the future. My life WAS bad and I didn't even know it- that's maybe the hardest thing.... I never was able to gain the slow acceptance. I went from dedicated wife to angry scorned woman overnight.

Anyway, I have this horribly selfish wasy of turning every response to be all about me. SORRY. Just saying that we've been split up for 9 mos and slowly, slowly, you'll heal. A month after our break-up, I felt great. Like, "Wow....I healed fast!" 2 mos later, hitting rock bottom.... a month later, feeling great again, then the REAL rock bottom. It's just a rollercoaster. I think there's no time frame. You'll heal when you do and not a second sooner.
 

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I think it's really avoidable if the guy is sane/responsible. Seriously, I am not into the sole-custody-self-immolation thing, and so long as you're nearby & it's easy on the kids, I'm all for shared custody. Unfortunately, if he's not sane/responsible, you'll be holding it together solo whether or not you're married. I just spent three years taking care of home, kid, husband, fin/legal, and self while said husband lived in a severely-depressive mess with little apparent thought of anything but how horrible he felt. It was terrible and draining. In fact my last birthday I took myself out shopping, got into a dressing room, and saw myself & laughed a not-very-funny laugh. I looked like the skinny beat-up cleaning lady. Resolved to change that, and have, but I guess what I'm saying is it's not that something changed; it's that I made a bad pick from the start. Which isn't to say I did some awful thing; I don't think I could've seen his problems coming. But it was an unfortunate pick.
 

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I am going through this, too. I start school full-time on Monday and I'm so nervous for myself and sad for my kids (and myself). DD also starts middle school that same day, DS starts kindergarten and little DS starts daycare...so many transitions all at once! I'm reeling. I won't get out of class until an hour or more after the older two get out of school, so they both have to go to after-school-programs at their schools which breaks my heart because I so want to be right there as soon as they're out to hear every detail, yk? And I guess I kind of resent that I won't be able to -- this is not at all how I had planned things to be. And while I am proud of myself for going back to school because I really feel like I need this to feel better about myself and to provide for us, I also feel a sense of dread about our future once I'm out of school...the whole find a job and rush-rush-rush every single morning to get everyone where they need to be then slave away the precious hours I could be with my kids before they're grown and gone, meanwhile my kids get shuffled here and there and we miss each other but there's nothing anyone can do about it because this is our 'new normal' and frankly, it sucks. I cry sometimes just thinking about it. It's not that I don't want to be a nurse, because I DO, but I feel like life is forcing me into things at a pace and on a level I don't really feel ready for right now. I don't know how to not be sad or a little resentful about it either.
 

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Yes, things are being said here that are so
:

I am not only a single mother, but single much older I HAD an IUD in there mother, totally unprepared, barely making it now, not really "making it," truthfully, but not homeless, planning to go back to school, late application, we'll see about fall semester. Not looking good, but will focus on spring.

I keep a pretty good attitude most of the time, stay pretty up and hopeful, I know a positive attitude and expectations are important.

But. It's hard. It's lonely. There is an element of "waiting" in my soul. Waiting for MY what...? MINE. Wondering, am I going to get it in this lifetime... . Tomorrow I'll focus on my goals, I'll grab hold of the reins, I'll do a guided visualization of me having every happiness and being able to give my child the life she deserves, but, it's actually useful to really SEE where I am right now, so I can turn my gaze on where I want to GO.

It's driving by scores and scores of beautiful new two-story homes with lush green lawns and two shiny cars and expensive toys in front and knowing they're mostly filled with momdadkidsandpets families. It's looking at lines waiting outside fancy fun restaurants and never going. It's watching planes take off for vacations and visits with friends out of state that I am never on, and often, too often, having to raid the change box (piggy banks are long gone--we can't afford them) for groceries. It's wondering, 'What miracle will happen so that I can pay for teenager costs and college student costs, and will my child ever know the security and freedom of us living in a house I own? It's wondering HOW DID THIS happen to MEEEEE?'

x is almost completely worthless, but wanted a baby so bad, begged and begged and when my birth control failed, I thought, okay, he's going to be totally into this, so he'll BE a PROVIDER. But he isn't. Coupla crumbs now and then, and lots of lies. I'm glad he's gone with his annoyingness to the hundredth power, but, he done me wrong! He made this baby with me, and then, he gets to go be a bum and not worry his pointy little head about the enormous responsibility he left me with.

I don't want to be a martyr about it, and I don't want my dd to grow up saying, "My mom had it so hard, she worked 2 jobs so I could have things." Of course, that's exactly what I'll have to do, and will, but, people who work 2 jobs can't also be people who make parties happen, have time to scout for new boyfriends, and take all the little friends for ice cream and are around to listen to problems and joys. And that is sad. Kids of single mothers are... well, they know they are children of single mothers. Mine will not know she has escaped being the child of an SOB father who'd have ripped her self-esteem from under her, but, she will have escaped. No regrets there, but, still. i wish this country would slap deadbeat dads into the ARMY, doing stateside work--I don't need them to be in battle, just forced to WORK for the living they owe their kids!

I wish for my little girl to be able to say about her growing up with me, "We had so much fun. We did so many great things. My mom's great and I want to be just like her." No, when I don't have the money to do something she asked for recently, she says, "I'm going to save my money, not like you Mom." AAAHHH. Bless her heart, she doesn't know about these things yet, but I can't save any money... I need all of our money for today.

I have a dream, mostly a it'll never work dream, that single mothers could find each other and buy homes together, and make cooperative families together. We're so on our own. Like a revolving ownership stake that you could buy into, for the ownership of the building, move out when and if you can to your own place, get your stake back when a new buyer comes in. I guess that's what cooperatives are in NYC. Is it? I wish single mothers could do that, but with ranch-style houses out west here where I am. I want a big YARD and dogs.

One day, one day. Keeping my chin up, keeping a smile, believing in good things, for all of us.
 

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some things just suck, Vanessa you should really save some of your writing and submit it to magazines, it has me bawling, Yeah, my teenager wants to move into the big house in the yuppie suburb, and she wants those dam vacations and also the car when she turns 16. Meanwhile my dumb credit card wouldn't even cover school supplies at walmart, ( I wasn't expecting a $50 calculator but still....) Anyway I hope all the childcare works out the best possible for eveyone. I was just thinking, I was going to stay home till all the kids were in school things are ok but not what I signed up for
 

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Now wait a minute!!!

We can't all do this. We can't say how much we wish it were different. It isn't different. Imagine the resourcefulness that you are teaching your children. They will be ok. No it's not as we planned, and no it isn't working out right. But we are teaching our children something else. How to be strong and survive. That is very important. My kids give me the guilt trip too, about not making field trips and class parties, and being in after school care. But I can't do anything about that and they have to deal with it, and you know what.... they do....

I am heading back to school, like so many of us, so I can provide a better life. This situation is only temporary. When I finish school and have a better job, I will have a house with a lawn. It may not be a sprawling green lawn with expensive toys, but it will be mine and I will be the one responsible for buying and maintaining it. I will get a good job so I can go on the vacations that we see other going on, but right now we go camping, and that;s fun too.

It's not the life I wanted to lead. It's not how I envisioned myself. But it is where I am now, and I won't look back. I will only look foward and push through to get the life that I want. My children will hopefully take away the postive things. I try to do something fun every weekend we are together, even if it is only visiting some friends or going swimming. I don't have to spend money to play twister with them. I cherish every moment I have with them because they are few and far between. This they will remember. We have a save the animals night, where we have macaroni and cheese. You and I know its because that is all I can afford, and soon they will too. But for now I turn it around and make it ok. We have to push foward and be positive or we won't make it.
 

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I'm with you, rmcarons. Let's not sit there brooding and obsessing over what could have been, what should have been; let's treasure the things we *do* have. And someone who posted up there said something about changing or revising our dreams: yes, we have to do that. When our lives don't go as we had planned, we must make new plans and make the best of them.

Any of you who has good health, I hope you thank god or your Higher Power or whatever you believe in every day, because I don't have my health; and I'm working full time now, as of a week ago; and my fibromyalgia, which I had thought was under control, is now reasserting itself with full venom, triggered by a horrible cold I caught while under the stress of moving and taking care of my three kids and selling a house (my parents' vacation house that I was living in for free, so not even my own; still it had to look perfect every minute for buyers to look at) and job hunting and searching for child care in Ventura where I moved to a week ago. So yes, I'm revising my dream. My dream is to get well and actually be able to work and support my kids. I wanted to be a SAHM and it never happened because stbx was never a good provider (despite the fact that I met him in a Ph.D. program and he was reputed to be the finest scholar in the whole department!--turned out to be a philospher and dreamer, and completely impractical). I got so sick while teaching full time that I had to quit the job and move to CA and divorce him and find a less stressful job. So please, mamas, be grateful for your health and the health of your children, if they enjoy good health. It is a precious gift, not to be taken for granted. Appreciate what you have. I was able to take my oldest son (13 yrs) to see Snakes on a Plane today, and we laughed together and screamed and hid behind our hands together; and I must think, "Wow--that was really fun, and I was the one who accomplished that fun for him and me." And I have to appreciate that and treasure that one outing.

OK, so I am preaching and telling my life story instead of comforting the OP; but actually, since misery loves company, I thought my plight might actually make some of you feel better. Now I have to tuck my older guys in, go to bed after taking my 9 medications an hour ago, and hope that I feel better in the morning so that I can hold on to this 8-5 job. Please, oh please let me feel better.

Hang in there ladies. I think we can do this, and I think that we can manage to make our kids NOT feel like a burden when they're sick or something. We just put on a happy face, reassure them that we're happy as can be to stay home with them, and eat noodles four times that week to make up for the loss of pay, if that's what is needed.

I'd better go. I could write all night. Good night ladies.....

K. E.
 

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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
I see how the tone of the thread has changed, but my original intent was to find a way around the thinking that seems to dominate me right now.

It does help me to know that the way I've been thinking is a 'normal' part of process and I do think it's something that someone going through separation/divorce has to work through.

I am stuck in a rut & one of the things I'm trying to work on is to be more grateful...and Kathleen, yes your post does help. I am grateful for the health of me and my daughter. I have 2 rocks that I keep with me. Everytime I see them or touch them I think of something I'm grateful for. It helps. I need more of these types of things to help me through this & that's what I was looking for.
 

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The best is when you break through to a point where the gratitude's not some awful churchy exercise. Where it's real. Kathleen, I know what you're talking about -- I spent many years sick or in chronic pain, and, thank God, none of that is in my life now. I can get up, work, play, my body does what I ask, and it usually feels pretty strong. My daughter blows my mind every day -- she's so bright, so strong and healthy, social and unafraid, and she says hysterical things every day (which really annoys her; stbx and I will be dying laughing at something she's said and she's Very Serious, holding my face and insisting, "No! Don't laugh now! You have to [insert hysterical phrase]"). In the backyard there are apple trees, with apples this year, nearly ripe now. And somehow despite all the madness of the last year or so, I have time to do my own work. I work very hard, but I also think of my grandparents and great-grandparents working nonstop through their lives in stores and shops, and my life is full of not just the work of my choosing but material comfort & health & safety for my child that they never knew.

Anyway I have a deadline & need to get back to work but just wanted to say yeah, I agree, it's true.
 

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Quote:

Originally Posted by Vanessa Marie

I have a dream, mostly a it'll never work dream, that single mothers could find each other and buy homes together, and make cooperative families together.
I SO want to finish and rent out my basement as an aprtment. Not for much, just to cover the refinishing costs in a couple yrs and maybe a couple extra hundred a month. I just want another parent here in this house. Just another mom to say, "Hey, I've had enough! Watch my kids for an hour while I run to the store." and do the same for her. I just want another person to talk to when I'm bored at night.

I've looked on coabode.com but it's very inactive in my area.
 
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