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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
About my situation - I have a 12 year old who is an only child. I never wanted her to be an only; I had hoped for 3 children. I really wanted to experience everything again and frankly, just wanted another baby. When she was 4, I approached my husband about another and he said no. We have had many heated arguments over the years and when I turned 40 and my child was 8, I figured it was time to let it go.

Except that I haven't - I have harbored resentment and have built up such a grudge. How in the world do I get over this??? It is not an all the time, all consuming thing - however, I am always angry and resentful (his words). He wants to know why is this "one unfulfilled dream" the thing that I am allowing to ruin our lives.

I need advice from people who have EXPERIENCED this. It is so painful to be denied a child by the person you love.
 

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I really suggest counseling. I'm not sure if marriage counseling or if counseling by your self would be better.


If you go to marriage counseling, then the relationship is the client, not you. If you husband is controlling or emotionally abusive, this would be a very bad idea. The reason I bring this up is because he cut off all options for you to have another child, then basically told you to get over it. He has zero empathy with how difficult of a situation this is. He really doesn't understand or care how you feel. I suspect that part of the reason you are having such a hard time letting it go is because he doesn't get it or care. Which makes me wonder what else is going on in the relationship, in what other ways what you want for your life and how you feel about things is completely ignored.


So, may be counseling by yourself would be better. Because then you would be the client, and you could work on making peace with the fact that you won't have another biological child, and figure out what you do want to do, and then find the strength to do it.


As far as ruining your lives, you guys created your life together. He decided that what you wanted didn't actually matter, and that "your life together" was really just him doing what he wanted. And so far, you've gone along with that.


Also, at 44, I *could* have had another child. I'm 50 now, and I really couldn't. I'm through menopause now. At 44 though, it was still a possibility.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Thank you for taking the time to reply! Your comment on feeling ignored gave me a lot to think on...maybe this goes deeper than a second child (as if that is not enough). I was very frustrated last night and needed to vent in a safe place.
 

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I agree with the counselling. I understand your desire to have another child. I was in a situation where it it seemed against all odds as a single mother, and a woman over 40. I did conceive at 44 after trying for over a year for my third child (she is now 3). You are 44 now, so you are definitely on the cusp of possibility when it comes to conceiving with your own eggs. Nonetheless, i come from a world of single mothers by choice who battle the odds of conceiving at over 40, and being single. There is also adoption and other possibilities, all with their related challenges.

Do you want to stay with this man? I am just putting it out there that your yearning for another child is there for a reason. It perfectly natural to yearn for another child. I felt those same feelings. I remember someone mentioning a priest advising a woman who yearned for a baby, to get a dog instead.

Yearning for a baby, is what it is. It perfectly natural to yearn for another baby after having one. Why wouldnt you want to repeat that experience, and improve your parenting skills with experience?

I didnt have a man telling me I couldn't do it. Its ok for him, when he could change his mind at any time, but for women its a different story, and therefore its *never* a fair deal to make.

Go to counselling. Personally, i would consider leaving this man. But i dont know your whole story.

Your feelings are real, they are normal, and they are valid.

(and no mr priest, dogs have nothing to do with it....)
 

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Hey you should just have your 2nd baby! You set the rules, not him. We females always have the power in any relationship. If he won't provide the sperm, go get some sperm. Your life is YOURS. I am 45 and pregnant right now with my #2 baby and we did it naturally. Your husband will have to adapt to you and your choices! If he would leave you over a child, let him go because he's no good.
 

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The trouble with that is that is requires dishonesty, and possibly cheating. On top of that, you will have the issue of his not being the father of the 2nd child, and the issues could be lifelong.

I think leaving him is the better option, or giving him an ultimatum so there is no dishonesty involved.

Congratulations on your pregnancy, especially at 45! You are lucky. At this point, it might require more planning and cost to conceive. Its still possible, just possibly more difficult.
 
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