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how to retrain yourself for GD????

923 Views 6 Replies 5 Participants Last post by  NoraJadesMama
My dd is three and I have asked advice on here before most of the time me and dh are fairly good with the gd concept there are times we are not ... especially with yelling. I hate it and so does dh and dd.

I have relized that this isn't a problem of learning more gd methods but a problem of retraing myself and dh. How have some of you mammas learned to deal with your own anger and frustrtion and not put it out on your kids??

What do you do for yourself to ease stress. For me i work 25 to 40 hours a week and I am going back to college and dh is a carpenter and gets stressed and tired being outside all do doing very physical work. I am trying to also look into dh and I starting our own carpentry business which would eventually be less stressful for us.

How do you retrain yourself to not yell and get frustrustrating when that is what you were taught to do growing up?????

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I find that I don't just start yelling. There are usually lots of clues that something's bothering me before I ever get to that stage. I notice if I'm getting impatient with the kids or if little things are annoying me. I have also noticed that if something's upsetting me I start thinking about unhealthy kinds of snacks. Lots of times I'm conscious of these things & can catch it before we get to the yelling. Sometimes I don't & I still yell.
I also have learned that when I am overtired or have other stresses that the potential is there & I try to be "on guard" to avoid yelling.

I really think it's about getting conscious about yourself -- your mental state, your physical state, everything.

I know when I do get upset, it's all about me. Something has been stressful or upsetting & I'm dwelling on it. The quicker I realize what's really upsetting me, the quicker I move on.

I do the best I can. I am human & still make mistakes sometimes, but I am doing a lot better & I recognize more about myself all the time.
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Hi slinkypea2! I used to yell quite a bit and was always remorseful and eager to stop it from happening.
This became a bit of a cycle. It seemed like when my buttons were pushed, and especially if I was in a trigger situation (like we were all hot and yet had to get into a hot car to drive home but my dd was balking), it was just really hard to keep my cool. Then I started immersing myself in GD books. I thought I was pretty GD in orientation, but I soon discovered new interpretations and ideas that really helped me have a more positive and empathic point of view. Also I learned lots of new skills, ways to set us all up for better success and harmony in the first place AND handle difficult situations when they did arise. These two things (clearer understanding and developing new skills) sort of naturally took care of the yelling, by heading it off at the pass. I do get in over my head and yell occasionally but it's pretty rare these days and I am so relieved, I feel like I'm leaving it behind. I think it's just much easier to acquire new thinking and skills than it is to try to STOP doing something. And the positive results of aligning with my daughter (instead of feeling like I had to go head-to-head with her) were so immediate and tangible and HEALING that I quickly became addicted. Feeling excitement and a new level of trust and intimacy with my dd has been much more motivating for me than shame/guilt/self-loathing! Good luck on your path!
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thanks for your replies... Maybe I should check out some more books on gd and see what it has to offer..

It is just strange sometimes I feel like I have infinite patience and other days I can snap on a dime... Like today b/c of PMS.... I just feel bad about it, but I all I want is to be alone for awhile. I know I also have less patience after I come home from work. I get home at 8 pmand dd and dh are just waiting for me. I need some transition period and I don't get it and find it ver y hard....

gotta go melissa
I would like to know which books were the most helpful as I struggle lately with the same issue. I'm 6 mos pregnant and find myself short in the patience department more and more often.
I am generally a very patient person, but now since having number two (now 9 months) I noticed I am losing my patient and dh who is generally high strung is having less tolerance as well.
Its hard when we were parenting our first for first 3 years GD and now we are finding ourselves losing our own control and fuming and beyond desperation how to keep up with our very active and demanding and stubborn dd (now 3.5 years old).

I am interested which books you have found helpful. I have various books here at the moment.

Like to know what techqniues you use.

As for how to cope, I find if I try to take a bath end of each day, or even in early evening take kids and myself in bath then I can relax while the two play in the bath, helps me and kids to all rewind. Or try to go for bike ride or walk in the area. I am now starting to go to gym 3 afternoon a week (has childcare) but we all been sick with flu last two weeks. Hopefully will get back into it. I think we have to remember to take time for ourself too in order to reenergize ourself. Get out with our buddies, do sport, relax, etc. Easier to say than do.

Take care everyone. We can do it!
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Originally posted by marchmom19
I am interested which books you have found helpful. I have various books here at the moment.
What books do you have?

I found these particularly meaningful:

Kids Are Worth It!: Giving Your Child the Gift of Inner Discipline, by Maria Coloroso
--I found this was really great for de-programing myself from the typical punitive obedience-oriented discipline model (I thought I was already de-programmed, but this helped some key things fall into place for me).

Kids, Parents and Power Struggles, by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka
--focuses on tuning into the child's emotions and becoming their "emotion coach," which really defuses a lot of would-be conflicts for us; helps me see ways to align with my child empathically instead of opposing her, and the results are much better for both of us.

I have probably a dozen GD books, all of which have offered me something helpful. I put the best ideas together, stretching a little here, trimming a little there, to create my own approach. Also just steeping myself (ie., reading a lot of books) in this material has really helped reinforce the basic ideas in my head; with each reading they go a bit deeper, and more a part of me. With these ideas becoming more and more a part of me, I find that increasingly my behaviors and choices-in-the-moment are springing from a more GD place, KWIM?

marchmom19, your self-care comments are so right on! When I'm feeling refreshed and happy it's amazing how much more creative, mature and competent I am! Mothering young children is so intense, I think we should give ourselves a pat on the back for our devoted efforts (mistakes and all) and do everything we can to keep ourselves happy and thriving as we go along--for everyone's sake!
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