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Hello VBAC Mamas! I need some advice and am hoping that you might be able to help me . . .

A very close friend is planning a hbac in February. I support her 100% in this decision and believe in my heart that she can have a beautiful homebirth. However, as her due date gets closer (she's in 3rd trimester now) she seems more and more detached and depressed. I worry that she is becoming so stresed about this birth that it is really negatively impacting her day-to-day life, her pregnancy, her family, and potentially the upcoming birth itself.

Here's some background:
Planned a homebirth with her first dc 2.5 yrs ago. Ended up transferring after three days, hospital basically forced her to have a c-section, she now has a beautiful son and a lot of trauma. In her own words, she was "emotionally broken" for about a year after. She is a truly inspirational woman and mother but feels very incomplete and unresolved.

She and her husband were ttc for a few months but when she did conceive, she was suddenly very ambivalent about this pregnancy and baby. Really, pretty understandable, imo. The only thing is, as time goes on her outlook seems to have gotten worse, not better. She has never once volunteered a happy piece of information about the pregnancy, she is very hesitant to talk to her midwives about any discomforts or concerns, and she always seems to be angry or sad. A shared friend of ours, who is a doula, commented to me that she doesn't seem to have incorporated this pregnancy as part of her life. If I ask her what she thinks her baby looks like, will act like, etc, she gives a short noncommital answer and then changes the subject.

(sorry for length! ending soon! thanks!)

So, here's the question: is there anything that I can do? She goes to ICAN meetings, so I know she has that support network, and I am really grateful for that. But as a friend who knows her and loves her and sees her every day, do you think there's anything that I can do or say to help? Is this just me being short-sighted and maybe not understanding how she is preparing herself for this birth, or should I act on these feelings that tell me she is unwell and potentially setting herself up for even more trauma (ie, undealt-with feelings arising during birth, triggering a lot of fear and prompting a transfer). I respect her very much and worry that if I say anything she will write me off (my daughter was born vaginally at home) or maybe even disconnect from me totally.

Advice? Thank you in advance for your vbac mom wisdom!
 

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Oh, listen listen listen. Let her change her .mind every sentence, and don't remind her of things she said before - her heartache changes and evolves...be her real life journal (if she'll have you.)

Keep reminding her that you know she can do it (even if you are skeptical) and also how incredible of a mom she is already and how many obstacles she has overcome. Remind her how impressive she is and how much you look up to her and her strength.

Hugs.
 
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