[rockportmama]

So many mamas seem to do so well with their 3yo's, but I am seriously, seriously struggling here!

What helped you survive? What helped your 3yo survive? Thrive? What's the simple idea I seem to be missing?

HELP!!!!

TIA,
-Rockport-

 

[ZanZansMommy]

Wish I had some words of wisdom for you Mama. I have to take it hour by hour with my 3 yr. old...sigh. It's tough. He seems SO much worse at this age than my DD but maybe I'm just selectively remembering the good parts

Just remember this too shall pass.

 

[noah's_mama]

We're having a tough time as well. Lately, it's constant whining and yelling. It's really gotten to me on some days. I've had to pray for patience many, many times a day. I do wonder sometimes if there's something "wrong" with him, or is this time between 3 and 4 just hard for some children? You're not alone.

 

[PuppyFluffer]

I used to moderate this forum and I remember the sheer volumn of posts about 3 year olds....and I couldn't quite understand it because mine was not 3 yet. Then she was 3 and I began to have first hand personal knowledge.

I'll share three things that I remember clearly.

1) As hard as it is to deal with a 3 year old, it's even HARDER to BE that 3 year old. It's very hard to have all those emotions and not have the skill and maturity to handle them.

2) Three is hard because it's a tug of war between being a big kid and doing it yourself and being a baby and wanting someone to do it for you. It can be a tough transition. (They re-visit this in the teen years for the same reason - it's the leap across from one point in life to another.)

3) Don't take it personally.

 

[demottm]

I have a 3yo boy right now. Sometimes I feel the same way you do. What I find helps is being outside as much as possible. Sometimes we are out for 3-4 hours a day. It give him space to explore and see new things, to run and scream and just generally be wild. Right now he is trying to give up his nap and that is difficult for everyone. Hang in there.

 

[OGirlieMama]

Well, you can think of people like me who have two 3-year-olds at once, and maybe that'll make one 3-year-old feel easy? OK, yeah, maybe not.

I don't know. They are at their most amazingly cute stage, learning new things constantly and surprising me with how much they can know and do. And then they turn into psychotic wildebeasts. But I try and remember the amazing parts when the wildebeast strikes. Sometimes it works. Sometimes, not so much.

 

[LilyGrace]

One of the biggies that helped was reminding myself what all those undesirable traits would become. Stubborness = determination, Whininess = self expression...and so on. They're only frustrating now because you're on the receiving end and they're still learning.

 

[momma_unlimited]

I am not trying to be a devil's advocate, I am just really wondering aabout this:

Quote:

Stubborness = determination, Whininess = self expression...and so on.

I know some adults who frankly do not seem determined, masters of self-expression, etc. They seem to be stubborn and whine. What if those qualities just stay that way? I guess I am worried that they will so I try to address them every time and explain to my just turned 4 yr old (who hasn't magically morphed into an easy to get along with being *yet*- but I'm still hoping!) how he can rephrase himself in a way that is likely to get a good response/help him get his needs met without creating undue resentment from anyone around him (me now, or others later on).

 

[Justmee]

Quote:

Originally Posted by PuppyFluffer I used to moderate this forum and I remember the sheer volumn of posts about 3 year olds....and I couldn't quite understand it because mine was not 3 yet. Then she was 3 and I began to have first hand personal knowledge. I'll share three things that I remember clearly. 1) As hard as it is to deal with a 3 year old, it's even HARDER to BE that 3 year old. It's very hard to have all those emotions and not have the skill and maturity to handle them. 2) Three is hard because it's a tug of war between being a big kid and doing it yourself and being a baby and wanting someone to do it for you. It can be a tough transition. (They re-visit this in the teen years for the same reason - it's the leap across from one point in life to another.) 3) Don't take it personally.

I really think you hit the nail on the head. It's hard being three.They are not babies, and not grown up, but they *seem* so grown up, it's hard for us (parents / caregivers) to relate to those tantrums. After all, this is the same kid who got me into a whole dialog on X subject, in such an intellegent way, and now she's kicking and screaming because Abba went to work. It's hard to remember sometimes even though they seem older, they are just three.

Other than that, no advice. Three has been hard for 2 of my kids. One I escaped the "threevil" and the other is TBD.

 

[ssh]

What seems to help us is lots and lots of attention and physical activity. My DD is 3.5 and gets upset very easily. One thing that's recently started to help is to ask her if she is angry, then she can talk about being angry instead of just being upset.

 

[momma_unlimited]

I think by 3.5, my son loved a good story so much that this was my ticket to peace. We washed the dishes and I told him Jack and the Beanstalk... we dusted while I told him Goldilocks... it was at times when he was bored or aimless he would start to get involved in behaviours that would aggravate me if I didn't come up with something. Then, when house stuff is done lots of outside time, or in winter fun tactile stuff (making pine cone bird feeders, homemade playdo, playing with pizza or bread dough, setting up elaborate picnics on the carpet, making under the table forts; to replace playing outside). I think the number one relationship killer- thing that made our relationship deteriorate- would be when he felt aimless and bored. That would be when the whininess and antagonism would come out; he would start asking for stuff over and over and when I said no to unreasonable requests he would get in a bad mood and grump around. I liked the Waldorf method of "breathe in, breathe out"- a more introspective activity (like cleaning or reading stories) followed by a more expansive activity (like playing outside, doing something loud or full of movement) and it came in handy a lot to balance our lives- 40 minute intervals seem to work good for us.

 

[LuxPerpetua]

I don't know what issues you are facing, but I have a 3 yo who has been through rough patches but for now is pretty easy going. DD hits her "stage" early so we went through classic 3 yo stuff around 2.5. During that time we had lots of meltdowns, lots of need for control. The world would end if she was not the one who flushed the toilet, started the washer and dryer, started the dishwasher, pushed the buttons on the microwave, unlocked the door, etc. For about 3 months I felt like a prisoner in my own home. What helped for me was letting her get this impulse out of her system. I gave her as much control and authority as possible. If I did something that she didn't want me to do I got down on her level and apologized and sympathized and tried to compromise. I also used Toddlerese (from The Happiest Toddler on the Block) during meltdowns, and that helped: Emphatically repeat what they are feeling--You want to do it your SELF! You WANT to do it yourself! Yes, your SELF! SELF! SELF! SELF! etc. That helped diffuse the situation usually. And sometimes I just held her while she cried for an hour. After about 2 months I started trying to test and see if I could "take back" some of the control I had handed over. I began occasionally flushing the toilet when she was in another room and could hear the flush but might not think about it, etc. Eventually it worked. She still likes to be involved in everything now but the world doesn't end if she isn't. Now, for the most part, she's really easy going. I hope you find a solution that works for you! I remember we also stayed home a lot during that time because I just could not deal with the issues when we were out and about. It didn't last forever, though.

 

[PuppyFluffer]

Lux, what great suggestions!

And you are so right, it doesn't last forever. Like all things kid....it's a phase.

 

[Champ1437]

Quote:

Originally Posted by PuppyFluffer I used to moderate this forum and I remember the sheer volumn of posts about 3 year olds....and I couldn't quite understand it because mine was not 3 yet. Then she was 3 and I began to have first hand personal knowledge. I'll share three things that I remember clearly. 1) As hard as it is to deal with a 3 year old, it's even HARDER to BE that 3 year old. It's very hard to have all those emotions and not have the skill and maturity to handle them. 2) Three is hard because it's a tug of war between being a big kid and doing it yourself and being a baby and wanting someone to do it for you. It can be a tough transition. (They re-visit this in the teen years for the same reason - it's the leap across from one point in life to another.) 3) Don't take it personally.

some good points/advice there
Mine is now 2 1/2 but very mature for her age compared to friends her age, and I have been getting these days sometimes, and a lot more lately. We just make it through day by day. It's hard not to get stressed with all the screaming, etc.. Esp when you have other babies.

 

[joeys_mom]

We stay home more now too. It is just so hard to get DS to leave places when he is having fun and getting anything done, like grocery shopping, is next to impossible.

I agree that outside time is very helpful. It is just getting warm enough here to get outside more. I just have to be prepared for 2 hours minimum at the park! He is now riding his like-a-bike really well and that helps eat up lots of time.

I'm just glad he'll be close to 4 when this baby arrives.

 

[labdogs42]

You survive by repeating to yourself, "every day, we're on day closer to four..."

Seriously, though, at least with my son, four is WAY better than three!

 

[indeospero]

Hug your child when you feel *least* like hugging him -- when you're angry, furious, frustrated, feel violent. Hug him, breathe, close your eyes, and meditate on some timeless moment (for me, the first time I held her after she was born). I am not always able to follow my own advice, but when I do, I find it's magic. Not only does it help me to calm myself down (and calmness is contagious), but it also reestablishes connection between me and my dd. IME, this age range is all about connection: children this age are experimenting with what disconnecting from you feels like, and it's our job as mamas to keep "collecting" our kids and re-opening a strong connection.

It's not a discipline book, per se, but I a book I've read this year that has helped me enormously is Hold On to Your Kids. One of the things that makes this age difficult is that we're moving beyond a lot of the AP stuff that applies to babies, e.g., babywearing, BF, co-sleeping -- not that many families aren't still doing these things at 3, but these modes of attachment alone no longer fulfill a 3yo's need for connection. We have to find new ways to help the connection, the attachment, evolve and stay strong. Hold On to Your Kids is all about what "attachment" means, beyond the baby years.

Also? Babysitters, grandmas, maybe nursery school. It has been a relief to both my dd and me to escape the intensity of our relationship for a few hours here and there. She had a 13yo friend/babysitter (who has, alas, moved away

) whom she absolutely adored, and we've done a few mornings a week of nursery school this year, too. It has been tremendously helpful to us during this difficult phase to cultivate other strong relationships for my dd with adults other than us, her parents. She has really thrived from spending some time with these other important people in her life.

I know the "This too shall pass" mantra works for a lot of people, and I won't disparage it. But to me that feels like trying to escape the present, rather than embracing it. It's bee more helpful to me this year to try (try!!) to be grateful for the present moment, no matter how difficult. IME, the more difficult things are, the more opportunities I have to learn and grow.

Wishing all the best to all the other mamas of threes!

 

[SeekingSerenity]

Quote:

Originally Posted by indeospero Hug your child when you feel *least* like hugging him -- when you're angry, furious, frustrated, feel violent. Hug him, breathe, close your eyes, and meditate on some timeless moment (for me, the first time I held her after she was born). I am not always able to follow my own advice, but when I do, I find it's magic. Not only does it help me to calm myself down (and calmness is contagious), but it also reestablishes connection between me and my dd. IME, this age range is all about connection: children this age are experimenting with what disconnecting from you feels like, and it's our job as mamas to keep "collecting" our kids and re-opening a strong connection. It's not a discipline book, per se, but I a book I've read this year that has helped me enormously is Hold On to Your Kids. One of the things that makes this age difficult is that we're moving beyond a lot of the AP stuff that applies to babies, e.g., babywearing, BF, co-sleeping -- not that many families aren't still doing these things at 3, but these modes of attachment alone no longer fulfill a 3yo's need for connection. We have to find new ways to help the connection, the attachment, evolve and stay strong. Hold On to Your Kids is all about what "attachment" means, beyond the baby years. Also? Babysitters, grandmas, maybe nursery school. It has been a relief to both my dd and me to escape the intensity of our relationship for a few hours here and there. She had a 13yo friend/babysitter (who has, alas, moved away ) whom she absolutely adored, and we've done a few mornings a week of nursery school this year, too. It has been tremendously helpful to us during this difficult phase to cultivate other strong relationships for my dd with adults other than us, her parents. She has really thrived from spending some time with these other important people in her life. I know the "This too shall pass" mantra works for a lot of people, and I won't disparage it. But to me that feels like trying to escape the present, rather than embracing it. It's bee more helpful to me this year to try (try!!) to be grateful for the present moment, no matter how difficult. IME, the more difficult things are, the more opportunities I have to learn and grow. Wishing all the best to all the other mamas of threes!

Excellent post!

I was looking forward to this fall, when DS will start public school (maybe), and I was going to enroll DD in Pre-K. But the school district nixed it. She turns four on Sept. 19, and their rule, carved in stone somewhere, is that they have to be four ON or before Sept. 1. She missed getting to start "school" by 18 days.

It was going to be a half-day getaway for her and me both. Alas... It means she will be able to start with the four year olds 18 days before she turns FIVE... next year. *IF* I do public school - after this, I don't know.

My strategy is much the same as a pp's, I attempt to let her have as much control as she's demanding, within reason, like with turning things on, putting clothes in the dryer, helping with dishes, etc. She can't help cook, obviously, but she helps set the table. She gets to choose our vegetable with dinner. She may not get to choose her bedtime but she can choose her bedtime story, and her nightclothes, etc. I also do a lot of outside play, or in the garage when the weather isn't cooperating, so she releases some energy that way. She gave up her nap quite awhile ago, so we do afternoon quiet times where she can choose a quiet game or a book to read while the baby takes his nap and big brother does some school.

When she melts down, I try to listen to her, to figure out what the trigger is so we can do something about it. Doesn't always work. Sometimes, she just flips out. I can only be near my screeching, wild-eyed heathen as she flies apart at the seams, let her know I'm there when she's worked some of that angst out, and just remind myself that she is my precious girl, the only baby girl I'm going to be able to raise out of the three I've had. My perspective changes as soon as I remind myself of that, and I can keep my temper a lot more. She's been the most challenging 3-yo I've had so far, but of course there's one more behind her, so we'll see...

 

[Love_My_Bubba]

OP--thank you for this thread. I'm feeling like a pretty rotten momma right now and reading this soothed my raw emotions a little bit.

Posters--Thank you too, it does help to know that we're not the only ones dealing with the "Throes of the Threes."

 

[XanaduMama]

Thank you for this thread. It *is* certainly one of many (which is a comfort in itself, I suppose), but having a new one is timely for me. I like to think of 3 as an illness, with symptoms that flare up at certain times and subside at others. After a relatively easy couple of months, we're back in the thick of it. I alternate between

and

and...I don't know, just

:.

Some of these posts have been really helpful, though: thank you.