[HollyBearsMom]

My son, who just turned 5, has been playing with 2 boys since he was 3. One is his age (Paul) that he met at school and the older brother who is 7. Through out the past 2 years they have all had their ups and downs which, to me, were perfectly normal. Paul's mom is fairly strict but is also very child led, which I had very much appreciated until recently. So a few times Paul as told his mom "I don't like DS any more. I don't want to play with him ever again" Well the mom has agreed had Paul call his nanny at home and say "Mom said I NEVER have to play with DS ever again and I won't". Of course later on (within a day even hours) Paul has changed his mind, tells his Nanny that Mom said I could play with DS again and they are back to playing together. The first 2 times I just let it go, thinking kids are just kids and my son has said the same thing a Paul. I have also tried not to judge some of her parenting choices recognizing that I am a lot more relaxed on some issue than the mom i.e.: her kids are not allowed outside to play in the rain because of lightening, they are not allowed in any state parks because of coyotes, they have to stay inside during high winds because of tree limbs falling, she limits all sugar so at school the gorge at any birthday, to the point of getting physically sick.

Well the last time was the final straw for me and I just don't know what to tell my son. My son, Paul, the older brother and a few other kids had been working on a group project for weeks. Every one is getting along, having so much fun. We get home from vacation and next thing I know the project is cancelled. Paul told his mom he didn't want to play with DS ever again. Mom agrees and tells the nanny to tell us that he can't play with Paul any more and is not allowed to finish the project. No explanation is given. The nanny is devastated and says that it is not fair to my DS or the other boys. The mom says just don't tell the other boys; just tell them that DS can't come, to make some excuses. The nanny says no and says that if it off it is off for everyone and she personally delivered each child project to them and is visibly upset. She then asks the mom to talk to me personally because she is filling stuck in the middle. Well the mom has not called me except to decline my sons B-day invitation. The nanny is miserable, feels disrespected, not just because of this but other reason too and would like to quit but can't (her husband is out of work). Of course 2 days later Paul wants to play with my son again but the nanny has said that's between you and your mom. The mom is now putting her foot down and saying "Paul- it was your choice and you need to live with those choices" Needless to say he is upset and he is also blaming the nanny.

So I really think it is over and personally even if the mom changes her mind I am done. They will be in different schools next year and I think it is best to just cut the ties. I can see that as the kids get older our parenting styles would clash and sleep overs etc could be an issue.

But now what do I tell my son? So far I have told him that he couldn't come to his party because they had a previous commitment (which I know was not true but is what the mom told me). He ask to play with Paul but so far other play dates have been scheduled or I tell him we are too busy. However sooner or later I think I need to tell him the truth and it breaks my heart. He loves Paul so much and he really misses him.

So what do I tell him? I feel like I am dealing with his first heartbreak……

 

[tiffany21074]

i am not sure i would explain the gory details to him. What benefit is it to him to know that his friend doesn't like him any more? It sounds like this a problem with the other mom and paul, and your son is the unfortunate scapegoat. i think it probably is a good idea to sever ties; i think it is a natural consequence for people who constantly say they dont like the person, and then do, and then don't, etc, etc,; for eventually them to lose a friend. He has his whole life to make friends, it sounds like when they go to different schools it will take care of itself.

 

[mightymoo]

I agree that you should just severe ties. Help your son find a friend that is more consistent or at least whose Mom is more able to navigate the whims of a young child. How much visibility has your son had into the flip/flopping so far? I mean, does he know that this friend has been off again / on again or is he unaware?

 

[HollyBearsMom]

He has been unaware in the past because it never last more than a day so he never noticied and frankly I just figured it was typical kids stuff so I never said anything. This time however he has noticied because he hasn't seen him since before vacation and they are used to seeing each other 3-4 times a week, plus he really noticied when they didn't come to his party. I just keep saying we are busy, or we will call another time. Part of me just hopes it will fade on its own but a big part feel like I am lying. I just don't know what to say next time he asks to play w/ Paul

 

[mata]

I agree-it sounds like the friendship has run its course. Now he has room for another new friend-I hope he makes another one! I've seen this happen with my dd-some girls who would try to kind of string her along. I've always made sure she gets that having a friend is a reciprocal thing, and that she deserves a friend who is there for her as well.

 

[Red]

I'll be the odd man out.

:

Do you live close by? If they'll see each other in the neighborhood, then I think it will take more explanation.

I'd tell ds that Paul was being cranky and said he didn't want to play with ds anymore. And that his nanny had decided to teach him a lesson and not let him. Then, after some time had gone by, I'd extend another invitation, and I'd tell ds we'd do that...in a while. If it's turned down, it's sad, but you can't really protect kids from rejection. Tell him the truth and invite a new friend. If it's accepted, I'd just make it a very rare thing, no long projects.

But I wouldn't keep them apart for this reason. I'd hope the other boy learned something.

 

[traceface]

It sounds like this other mother doesn't treat her nanny well at all, asking her to deliver all the unpleasant messages

 

[Delacroix]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Red I'll be the odd man out. : I'd tell ds that Paul was being cranky and said he didn't want to play with ds anymore. And that his nanny had decided to teach him a lessonand not let him.

No offense, but don't you think this poor woman has been triangulated enough? I'd leave her completely out of it.

 

[LynnS6]

This is SOOOO typical 5. Five year olds state any time they are angry with someone "I will never ever play with you again!" In the last week, our son has announced that he will never, ever go to the park again, that he will not be my friend, and that he will never play Uno again.

They don't mean it. They don't even really understand what "ever again" means -- just that it gets people riled up and that it seems like a long time. They are playing with the power of language. (Hey, it's a developmental advance over bopping each other on the head!)

So, what the MOM needs is a lesson in child development. Her stance is completely unreasonable and doesn't take the developmental nature of this phenomenon into account. But something tells me that she's not going to be receptive to that information.

I would explain to your son that it seems that Paul's family decided that it would be a good idea to play with other kids and not ds for a while. If he asks why, you can be honest and say "it seems like Paul was upset after he played with you sometimes, and he would say things like "I don't want to play with ds". So, his family decided it would be a good idea for Paul to take a break for a bit." Then comfort him. Since you don't really understand it any more than that, I think it's OK to tell your son that you don't understand any more.

 

[HollyBearsMom]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Red I'll be the odd man out. : Do you live close by? If they'll see each other in the neighborhood, then I think it will take more explanation. I'd tell ds that Paul was being cranky and said he didn't want to play with ds anymore. And that his nanny had decided to teach him a lesson and not let him. Then, after some time had gone by, I'd extend another invitation, and I'd tell ds we'd do that...in a while. If it's turned down, it's sad, but you can't really protect kids from rejection. Tell him the truth and invite a new friend. If it's accepted, I'd just make it a very rare thing, no long projects. But I wouldn't keep them apart for this reason. I'd hope the other boy learned something.

That's thing we don't live close by at all, 1 town apart, so it will be rare that we will see them out and about especially once school starts. There might be the occasional b-day party or chance meeting at a playground but I think those will fade to since my son is not going to same pre-K as the rest of the kids from his preschool.

And I just don't know how I feel about calling the mom. The nanny has asked her twice to please call me, that it is not her place to relay these type of messages but the mom just waves it off. And I don't want to put the nanny in the position of having to either disobey her employer or put her in the awkward position of having to lie for her. Of course I heard yesterday that Paul keeps asking for Phelps.....

Thanks for all the advice so far, I really appreciate it. I think I may broach the subject with him sometime before bed, more along the lines about I noticed we hadn't heard for Paul in a while, how does that make you feel, etc. See if i can get him to open up.

 

[elsasmommy]

I've had to do this with families who allowed their kids to physically harm my children during playdates (back when my kids where littler). I told my kids the truth, that I don't like so-and-so's behavior and they won't be playing together anymore. And then I kept my kids busy with other activities and actively looked for new friends for them whose parents we had more in common with. Don't worry about your son, he will be fine. Better to cut off this bad "friendship" now than to keep up with the back and forth.

I would then completely ignore the mother/nanny phone calls and never give it another thought. If I saw the family out somewhere, I would give them a nod and then go on my way. I have no patience for such wishy-washy behavior in parents. The mother is not doing her responsibility to teach her child about friendship.

 

[Delacroix]

Just one thing; I don't think I would tell him that his friend said he didn't want to play with him anymore. We all understand that this is normal developmentally, but I doubt that your son would be able to digest this information without feeling shamed. I think your plan is great. Open up the subject and let him express his feelings. I really think expecting him to understand that he was not at fault might be a little too much to put on him at his age.

 

[mama_b]

When I was little my mom had a co-worker that had 2 children that were my age and my brother's age. We got together often. They became our best friends. Well, their mom disciplined them in a way that my mom thought was abusive (and I agree, now that I'm old enough to understand). Anyway, one day my mom blew up on her and told her to stop abusing her children (we didn't know about this). Her co-worker told her to leave and we didn't see them again. We asked and asked about playing with them and my mom said the same things you are saying, like we're busy, maybe later, etc. We never let up, so finally my mom told us that T and R's mom wasn't very nice to them, and that's why we weren't going to play with them anymore. Maybe you can say something along the same line to your ds. Not that she isn't being nice to her son, but that she isn't acting appropriately. Anyway, I hope this helps, and I'm sorry for your son's loss of his friend.