[Porcelain Interior]

I was out buying Valentine's Day cards for everybody today and couldn't find one for my husband without getting a sick feeling in my stomach.

I'm one of those people that can't give a card unless the sentiment rings 100% true. (I almost never find one that will work for my parents either, they were terrible parents and I refuse to send some feel good card with lies written on it.)

I read cards that said:

"To my husband, you're my past, present and future....."
"Dearest husband.........thanks for catching me!"
"To my one true love"

And on and on and everytime I read one I would be near tears shaking my head and saying to myself "but that's just not true" "I don't feel that way".

We aren't in love. I don't want to get frisky with him. I don't feel cute and cuddly towards him. I feel no romantic bashful gosh gee whiz you're grand type feelings. The last time we were "together" I actually cried because I was hating every second of it.

I'm tired, annoyed, resentful, hopeless, sad, fearful, and confused.

There was no card for that. So I just randomly chose one that said the least amount of hokey crap.

This is so not me, in past times very past times I've created elaborate homemade cards with poems and sincere sentiments.

We talked the other day about divorce and how we're at a crossroads of neither of us being able to help each other get past the things we have differences over. We both cried. He loves me and always will, but can't change, won't change. I love him, but it's sort of a love that's like I guess I feel like I owe him what I promised him- to stay by him. It's just so miserable when we aren't playing the "let's ignore the problem" and when we're in one of the let's not talk about it phases everything is alright I guess. Sort of an autopilot do what ya gotta do type thing.

I just wonder if I can do anything to change what we've lost- what I've lost towards him? I've done and tried so much.

 

[Wild Lupine]

s

I've read some of your other posts, so I know how hard this has been for you. I've never been at that point, but I wonder if a trial separation might give you the answer you are looking for.

 

[Storm Bride]

I think "when you're done" is different for everybody. However, I clearly remember looking at Valentine's cards in February, 2000. I found cards I liked for my bff, several internet frineds (including dh, who obviously wasn't my dh at the time), a couple relatives, and ds1. I wasn't buying cards for them. I couldn't find a single one that I could bring myself to even give my ex. Valentine's was never a huge day for us, but until that year, I'd given him a card and a...something (think his favourite chocolate bar, or a small pack of cinnamon hearts - little things) every Feb. 14th for 14 years. I just couldn't do it.

I stayed at my mom's for two weeks in March, just to think. I thought I'd found a way to give our marriage a new lease on life, and came home on March 19th (I remember, because it was ds1's 7th birthday). And, two days later, I realized I was done. I didn't respect him at all, anymore. He didn't respect me. The "love" I felt was a shadow, based solely on having been together for a decade and a half. I told him I was out of the marriage on April 4th (after ds1 went away for a two night camping trip with his aunt).

I honestly think I knew when I couldn't pick a card...I bit my lip reading your post.

 

[wendyland]

I don't know your story, but I can at least tell you what happened with my marriage. I don't think there was anything that I could have done to save it. I just didn't find him attractive. I never really did. We got along pretty well, but I felt no desire to "get with him" at ALL. I was cold and distant. He got tired of me telling him no and decided to end it. I was too much of a weenie. I didn't want my kids to have divorced parents.

My middle daughter was 1 then. She is 6 now. She's just now processing what happened and grieving the breakup. I wasn't expecting that.

Anyway, I'm getting off subject. I know now that it was TOTALLY for the best. I'm now with someone that I'm attracted to. We met soon after my breakup. I get irritated with him, but even then, I'm still attracted to him. I love being together. I always thought there was something wrong with me because I was so cold. It's just because I was never with the right person. I was so young when my ex and I got together. It was hard in the beginning, but we're all better off. I wish we would have done it sooner.

 

[RollerCoasterMama]

For about 2 years I was wishing I would wake up not married any more. I was pregnant with now 3 yr old DS wondering what would tip the scales in favor of it being better for DS to not be married any more. It got worse and worse until finally I was visiting the inlaws (without STBX) with DS and STBX's grandmother was just chit-chatting and described having to give her husband an enema for some reason or another. I nearly cried right then and there at the thought of having to take care of STBX and his not-my-fault-ADD-induced crisis for the next 40 years and then having to take care of him as an old man too. The thought of growing old together was so soul-crushing that it brought my escalating depression about the issue to a new level. I made an appointment with a therapist the week I got home.

Everyone, including STBX's family, knew at that point that the only reason I was still married was the mortgage. This whole thing came to a head after six months of open discussion with STBX. Of him trying and not understanding that it wasn't about him changing diapers or loading the dishwasher. Or the money situation. If we came into a million dollars the next week, it wouldn't have changed anything except that I'd have been divorced faster.

It took me a long time to admit to myself. But that moment of hearing his grandma talk about things that really aren't that crazy out of line for a couple together for 60 yrs just crushed me. It wasn't so much what she was talking about as the fact that it triggered me to feel the weight of decades together.

I'm grateful now. The hitting-bottom depression made me face what I'd been trying to avoid for a long time. I wasn't just sticking it out and being a big girl for the sake of my family. I was making myself ill and being an insufficient parent to a high needs child who is genetically predisposed to walk this same path without someone with more energy to parent than I was capable of at the time.

It was NOT a good time.

Oh yeah, and right after that came Fathers Day and his birthday. I got around them by having a few little gifts from DS directly.

Based on PPs and your own post...it sounds like when you know, you know. I found my no-turning-back point. If it's what's best for you, you'll know the right decision.

(Proof I had the right decision...THE DAY I had the big talk and used the D-word with STBX, I quit crying every day. I felt hope and dared to make plans for the future. It's still been hard. And I've had some major periods of grieving...but grieving for the dream, not the man.)

 

[bluebirdiemama]

I just wanted to say that I read your other post too, and I can totally relate. I've been with my dh for 6+years, and I don't think either one knows the other. It's sad, and hard, and I'm sorry you are going through this.
I hope something major gives, and he really comes through for you....

 

[sophmama]

Quote:

Originally Posted by wendyland I don't know your story, but I can at least tell you what happened with my marriage. I don't think there was anything that I could have done to save it. I just didn't find him attractive. I never really did. We got along pretty well, but I felt no desire to "get with him" at ALL. I was cold and distant. He got tired of me telling him no and decided to end it. I was too much of a weenie. I didn't want my kids to have divorced parents. My middle daughter was 1 then. She is 6 now. She's just now processing what happened and grieving the breakup. I wasn't expecting that. Anyway, I'm getting off subject. I know now that it was TOTALLY for the best. I'm now with someone that I'm attracted to. We met soon after my breakup. I get irritated with him, but even then, I'm still attracted to him. I love being together. I always thought there was something wrong with me because I was so cold. It's just because I was never with the right person. I was so young when my ex and I got together. It was hard in the beginning, but we're all better off. I wish we would have done it sooner.

This was SO me. I had married as a virgin (was very religious) and decided that I was about to turn 30 and never had an orgasm. I was sick of painful bad sex. I had been to all kinds of doctors and read all kinds of 'how to spice things up in the bedroom' and 'how to make sex not hurt' material. For 8 years. It never got better. Thank god I didn't have the surgery that had been recommended. I found out with a wonderful guy that there's nothing wrong with me. There really can be heaven on earth. And life is too short to spend it in permanent misery. I've been judged a lot for my choice to leave. But people don't really get it what it's like to have bad sex for years. I felt morally obligated due to my religious background. Then it hit me - that was ridiculous.

When you know, you know. It's solid. I suddenly saw my marriage for what it was - it was abusive, depressing, and completely consumed by my ex's narcissistic personality. It was like I was putting makeup on a corpse every day and I really needed to bury the thing.

Thank God I did.

 

[sophmama]

Quote:

Originally Posted by RollerCoasterMama The thought of growing old together was so soul-crushing that it brought my escalating depression about the issue to a new level. ... grieving for the dream, not the man.

Those words ring so true for me. I wish my friends and family had understood this - they were painfully unsupportive. Of course me keeping his abuse secret for so long due to his constantly badgering to not tell - that didn't help when I suddenly outed the threats of violence and the general non-stop hysteria that I lived in - keeping those secrets wasn't smart.

 

[sophmama]

btw - my moment of clarity happened over something seemingly insignificant:

it was about the 1 billionth time that he was sitting on the couch drinking a beer and relaxing for his usual 6 hours of football when I hadn't had a moment's rest in god-knows-how-long and was still doing all the night time childcare, meals, daily labor, etc. ... it hit me that he was never going to change. And he did actually make a few minimal effort attempts to contribute more after that point to try to 'save the relationship' but it was clear - all of his effort went into trying to make all our friends and family think I was suddenly a crazy evil woman - he was more concerned about his image to others than his image to me. He didn't love me and I didn't love him. We'd never had real love. And we never would. He wasn't capable of it for me and I didn't have it in me for him. It was crystal clear.

I actually think that being wrongly-paired is part of what brought out the worst in him. I'm not excusing his abuse. But I think when you're like a caged animal in a relationship, you act out in bad ways.