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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I have a question on behalf of some friends of mine. They have an 11 yo boy and a 14 yo boy. Several months ago I was talking to my friend, the boys' dad, and he asked when I thought he should start talking to the older boy about sex -- specifically about condoms. I told him, you haven't started? And personally, I thought, condoms are only part of it. But anyway... Start now. And I would think, start with the younger one, too. I don't mean to force it, but make the information available and let them know you are comfortable with whatever they want to know about.<br><br>
But he decided to wait because his son was not showing much interest in girls. My thinking is, the more interested in sex he is, the less he will want to talk to you, his dad, about it, especially if he has no history of talking with you about such things.<br><br>
Flash forward to yesterday, my friend breaks out some carrots and condoms with both sons. The older one (who has been seeing a girl now) wants nothing to do with this, turns bright red and refuses to participate. The younger one, however, is young enough to be open and is willing to talk to his dad and ask questions.<br><br>
Of course I think it is important to teach about condoms, but I hope my friend will branch off and talk about the harder stuff from here...the difficulties of having mature sexual relationships, deciding when to have a sexual relationship in the first place...<br><br>
So how does he get there with his older son, the one who won't talk to him?<br>
Any suggestions? How to start building intimacy when right now it seems his son really doesn't feel comfortable talking to him? I have some ideas but I am hoping to hear from some parents with kids in this age range.<br><br>
Also, are there any books you can recommend for my friend and/or either of his sons having to do with sexuality, intimacy, relationships, all that good stuff?<br><br>
TIA!
 

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I am thinking, kind of like you are thinking, they haven't ever discussed these things before?<br><br>
We always incorporated it into our normal, everyday lives. It started with where do babies come from, when they were toddlers.<br><br>
Of course the older one is going to be embarassed, they made it an uncomfortable subject instead of a healthy part of life.<br><br>
I am the mother of three boys, they know our thoughts on it and we treat it as healthy and the human body as beautiful.<br><br>
If I was just starting to teach about such things to older children, I would not start with condoms. I would start with love and relationships and committments, and then go into diseases, pregnancy, babies, etc. But it would still be bound to be embarassing for the kid.<br><br>
Hope this helps~<br><br><br><br>
Here are some interesting sites:<br><br><a href="http://www.cfoc.org/ParentRes/TalkWKids/" target="_blank">http://www.cfoc.org/ParentRes/TalkWKids/</a><br><br><a href="http://www.talkingwithkids.org/sex.html" target="_blank">http://www.talkingwithkids.org/sex.html</a><br><br><a href="http://quiz.ivillage.com/parentsoup/tests/teensex.htm?arrivalSA=1&cobrandRef=0&arrival_freqCap=1&pba=adid=12678247" target="_blank">http://quiz.ivillage.com/parentsoup/...=adid=12678247</a><br><br><a href="http://www.ajc.com/living/content/health/1004/05talk.html" target="_blank">http://www.ajc.com/living/content/he...04/05talk.html</a><br><br><a href="http://health.discovery.com/centers/sex/kids/birdsandbees.html" target="_blank">http://health.discovery.com/centers/...dsandbees.html</a><br><br><br><br>
Books:<br><br><a href="http://www.zondervan.com/Books/Detail.asp?ISBN=031025096X" target="_blank">http://www.zondervan.com/Books/Detai...SBN=031025096X</a><br><br><a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/redirect.html?ie=UTF8&linkCode=ur2&camp=1789&creative=9325&tag=motheringhud-20&location=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.amazon.com%2Fexec%2Fobidos%2Ftg%2Fdetail%2F-%2F0345313798%2F002-8937980-9708042%3Fv%3Dglance" target="_blank">http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg...08042?v=glance</a><br><br><a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/redirect.html?ie=UTF8&linkCode=ur2&camp=1789&creative=9325&tag=motheringhud-20&location=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.amazon.com%2Fexec%2Fobidos%2Ftg%2Fdetail%2F-%2F089526143X%2F002-8937980-9708042%3Fv%3Dglance" target="_blank">http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg...08042?v=glance</a><br><br><a href="http://parents.berkeley.edu/recommend/arts/books-sex.html" target="_blank">http://parents.berkeley.edu/recommen...books-sex.html</a><br><br><a href="http://www.aacap.org/publications/factsfam/62.htm" target="_blank">http://www.aacap.org/publications/factsfam/62.htm</a>
 

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<a href="http://www.textkit.com/0_0802775403.html" target="_blank">What's Going On Down There?</a> is a good book for boys. That's the one I settled on as my oldest approached a more inquisitive age.<br><br>
I really don't have much advice beyond what Simply Nurtured said. I simply can't imagine being in that situation. If the kid simply will not participate in any sort of conversation, I think the parents should at least buy the kid a book geared towards boys and leave it in his room. He'll probably read it, even if he doesn't want anyone to know.
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
We are on our way out the door out the door, but I wanted to say that I know exactly what you are saying...The first thing I thought when my friend asked, "When do you think we should start talking to our older son about sex?" was that was such a strange question. Our son is not yet three and we have already started talking about sex. Isn't that like asking, "When do you think we should start teaching our son about food?"<br><br>
But it wouldn't have done any good to react to my friend that way when he wanted my help...even if he didn't listen to me.
 

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It's been a lifelong conversation for our kids basically. We just added more info and details as they got older or asked for them. Condoms, ovulation, menstruation, masturbation, pregnancy, STD's... we've talked openly and often about it all. But, if we hadn't always been this way I can see how an older child might be startled and embarrassed. There are a great line of books my Lynn Madaras (SP?) With titles like "What's happening to my body, a book for boys" and such. I'd suggest those titles. Like the PP said, he may want to read in privacy for a bit and then at least he'd have some good info. Also saying something like, "I know we haven't talked much about it, but I think it's important that you know you can ask me anything at all about sex. I understand you are feeling kind of embarrased, but I just want you to know I am here for you about anything." And then let it be for a bit and see what happens.<br><br>
I also cannot imagine having let it go that long.
 

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I agree that it's been a lifelong discussion. I answer questions as they come up. I try to answer them as factually as I can but I do make it personal, too. Not sure if that makes sense. I mean that I do use correct terms and tell the truth but I don't pull out diagrams and charts and make it clinical. My 13yo ds is very comfortable talking to me about all aspects of sex and asking me any questions he has. Nothing is bad or embarassing or sick or crazy or whatever. It's just life and curiosity and growing up.
 

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He left it kinda late, hmm? You might try the sex education website SEICUS and see what they have to offer in the way of books and brochures. Good luck to him.
 

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I recommend What's Going on Down There also. I bought it a couple of years ago when I got some books for my DD (long story, but I was going to be prepared for DS before DH traumatized him too!)
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
Thank you for all the resources and suggestions, I will pass them on to my friend. I have also found another book called, "How to be the best lover" which sounds like it might be a good one for his older son. I have recommended that one as well.<br><br>
I am also glad that he is talking with his 11 yo son now who is much more open to it at this age. This just seems so odd to me since I have a not yet 3 yo old son and it is one of my main goals as a parent to not lose that connection in the first place, if that makes sense. I mean sex is part of it, but to me this is really about communication. I am not saying it is anyone's fault, but I am going to be paying a lot of attention to this as my son grows up. It is my hope that AP will help me to this end by I also realize that it is no guarantee.
 
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