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I need to be quick, so I hope I can explain this okay...<br><br>
But every once in a while DH goes out w/ school friends and says he'll be "out for a a little bit." (Say, at 9:00 pm). At 1:15 in the morning I wake up and he's not home yet. I'm worried/anxious/irritated. I call him on his cell, and no answer. A few minutes later he calls me and says, "I'm just getting ready to leave." I know where he is is only 15 minutes away but it takes him about 45 minutes to get home.<br><br>
By now I'm fuming, and wide awake. He gets home and says I'm being unreasonable that he can't go out w/ his friends and stay out as late as he wants.<br><br>
Some things to keep in mind:<br><br>
1. Yes, there is an issue of trust. Not about cheating, but some things have happened in the past and we are still working on building back trust.<br><br>
2. It's not about going out w/ his friends, it's about staying out late. I feel that he is a husband/father, and no matter how much fun he is having he should wrap it up and come home (I do if I'm out w/ friends).<br><br>
3. This is a big one. I'm nervous about being flamed and looking like one of those crazy wives who can't be without her DH for 5 seconds. I swear that is not the case. But for some reason I find it very unsettling to wake up at 1:15 in the morning and not have him home. It may be irrational, but it makes me really anxious to not have all my family home at that time. I'm not afraid of being alone, either. In fact, I'm having a really hard time verbalizing (even to myself) why this bothers me so much.<br><br>
4. If you're going to disagree with me, that's fine. But please don't flame me. I am feeling so sensitive and upset today, and plus I'm sleep deprived and having an awful day at work, and I'm really loooking for some support and helpful advice, not flames.<br><br>
It is really causing a rift in our marriage. Also.....<br><br>
5. CAVEAT: He has a buddy that he gets together with a few times a year, and I don't care if he stays out late with him. So it's not like I *NEVER* feel he can be out late, but I feel like he really pushes this issue when it's something that is so important to me.<br><br>
Aaaaargh, I'm so confused and upset by this, and hate having this stress between us.
 

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My husband and I were having the EXACT same issue a while back. And I do mean exact. I felt exactly like you, word for word, and he felt and acted exactly like your DH. This part especially rang true for me:<br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>karina5</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7938606"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I feel like he really pushes this issue when it's something that is so important to me.</div>
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Like you, I had a hard time understanding why it upset me so much. I finally came to the realization that I was having control issues. It's a hard thing to accept, but I've worked on myself and now realize that I can't control others and shouldn't want to, especially when it's completely innocent behavior that I'm trying to control.<br><br>
And wouldn't you know, now that I'm okay with him going out and doing his own thing, my DH hasn't gone anywhere without me in probably a year. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol">
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><br>
I would be upset too. Being out a little bit does not mean being gone for 5 hours and not answering your cell phone. I would honestly wonder why he's getting so darn defensive and why he keeps pushing the issue and deminishing your feelings at the same time. For me it's ahuge red flag when soemone is doing something that makes me uncomfortable and they poo-poo my feelings, legitimite or not.<br><br>
Maybe you need to sit down w/ him once things "cool down" and you've gotten some sleep and try and explain WHY it bothers you and see if you can come to a comprimise.<br><br>
Good Luck!
 

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I think that when people live together, it is only common courtesy to tell the others when to expect you home so that they don't worry.<br><br>
I also think that when people have joint responsibility over dependent (kids or creatures), it is only common courtesy to make sue the other responsible party is willing to cover for you before going out.<br><br>
So yeah, I'd be pissed.
 

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I would be upset if DH did that. Scratch that - I HAVE been upset when DH has done that. I know exactly where you're coming from. Early in our relationship, I had a friend visit for the weekend with her boyfriend. The guys wanted to go out, we said "Fine, have fun, don't stay out too late." We expected them back around 11pm. We waited up for them because we figured we could play a game of scrabble or something when they got back. When 2am came around, we started to get worried because we knew the bars had closed. When 4am came around, we started calling hospitals. The sun started coming up, and they finally came in.....at 5 minutes to 6am. We were <i>livid.</i> They thought we were being possessive and weird. They totally didn't understand how <i>worried</i> we were.<br><br>
I now have a very strict rule that I must know what time to expect DH back. I don't really care if he gets in at 9pm or 1am...but I need to know what time to expect him so that 1) I don't waste my time waiting up for him; and 2) I don't waste my time stressing about what could have happened to him. I also expect a phone call if plans change.<br><br>
I don't think it's unreasonable.
 

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Just wanted to give you a hug.<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/hug2.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Hug2">
 

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I don't think it is unreasonable to expect your dh/significant other to check in if they are going to be out later than you would expect. Not coming home all night would make me assume that they are injured, hurt etc and I would be livid if they didn't tell me they were going to be out till the a.m.!<br><br>
I know I can get carried away when I get together with people, but it is reasonable to check in with them so they don't worry.
 

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I wouldn't be ok with it.<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> I hope some good communication can start happening so that this rift doesn't grow but heals.
 

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I think that if he's going to go out all night, he needs to discuss it with you ahead of time. "Honey, is it OK if I go out with the guys on Tuesday night and stay out late, or will you need me at home? Would next Wednesday night be better?"<br><br>
If he's not checking with you ahead of time, and just saying "I'm going out for a little bit" on his way out the door, then he shouldn't be gone longer than an hour or two, unless he calls at some point while he's out and makes sure it's OK with you.
 

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I'm sorry, but I would be extremely livid if my DH was out until after 1 AM and didn't call. Honestly (and I may get flamed for this) I really don't see why a married man (especially one with kids) would need to be out that late anyway. I mean, what is there to do at that time of night?
 

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My dh has done similar. It is very upsetting esp. as he has a lot more freedom than I do in the first place. I do worry when he is gone longer than I expect and I can't call him. I don't sleep well if dh isn't home at night either.<br>
After several years of me being upset, he has gotten better about responding to calls or telling me more definitely when he will be home. I'm okay with him going out occasionally. He likes to do RPG and that can take many hours. He used to meet his gaming group once a week but we moved away. Now it is once a month. I also know now that when he says he is about to leave somewhere that doesn't mean he is opening the car door. He is still chatting or gathering his stuff. He has trouble getting out of conversations or paying attention to a clock.
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/hug2.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Hug2"><br><br>
Oh I am sorry, I know how you feel.<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/hug2.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Hug2"><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/hug2.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Hug2">
 

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Wouln't fly at my house, AT ALL <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">s Honestly,<br>
I think it is just plain crappy to go out and not at least check in, or be home at a certain time. Out of respect for you and your feelings, he should let yu know what is going on.
 

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You are not being unreasonable! At All!<br>
I don't mind if DH is out late, as long as 1. he has a rough estimate of when he'll be back 2. his cell is with him and on the whole time in case of emergency 3. he answers his phone 4. if he's going to be REALLY late to call and change #1 and last 5. If he can't drive home then call me to either pick him up or tell me where he'll be staying.<br><br>
He doesn't go out late very often and these 'rules' aren't anything we've really discussed, to me they are just common courtesy for your partner.
 

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If DH or I go out we state what time we think we will be home, usually we say 2:00 a.m. If we find we can't or don't want to come home by the appointed time, we have to call prior to that time and give a new time.<br><br>
It saves us most of the worrying!
 

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I am not going to flame you and I do think not answering the cell phone is a bit upsetting (that's the point of cell phones, to be able to reach someone!!) but quite honestly, I think you are being a bit unreasonable.<br><br>
He is a grown man, and the people who say it "wouldn't fly at their house" and such sound more like parents (imo) than partners ---<br><br>
Of course I do expect a respectful exchange when interacting with dh -- I think it is completely reasonable to expect to know where he is and what he is doing, and to be able to reach him, and know that he will be home within about 15-20 minutes of the agreed upon, expected time. In other words, yes, I would be pissed if dh just took off, never called, didn't know where he was, and stayed out all night.... not respectful imo at all..<br><br>
However, if it is a *once in a while* thing, and he is home at a somewhat reasonable hour and all things above considered (we discussed what was going on and came to a mutually agreeable situation) it would be totally cool with me...<br><br>
Dh is my partner, not my charge or my child or someone I am in control of. He is caring and considerate and has never once given my any reason to not trust him -- but then, he does answer his cell every time I call and such... but he is a musician (we both are) and he goes to jams where he networks, sits in with other musicians, sometimes goes to shows alone if my mom can't watch dd, and it is unreasonable for ME (imo) to be all "now be back by 11" like he has some curfew or something...<br><br>
...but again, if it were like 4 nights a week (typically it is once every couple weeks), and he was going places or doing things which were questionable to most reasonable people, or getting all wasted (he doesn't do any drugs and rarely drinks), or didn't answer his cell etc --- there would be issues because that shows a real lack of respect for our marriage...<br><br>
...on the flip side, he happily stays with dd while I do the similar things with my girlfriends once in a while...<br><br>
I say 2am is my reasonable time to be home -- usually we are both back way before then -- checking in a couple of times "we are staying to hear a couple more songs is that cool" or "I am heading home, should be back in 20 minutes" and things of that nature in between.<br><br>
Hope that helps <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile">
 

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I think that in a marriage, especially with children, there should be an agreed upon return time. If he wants he can set the time but he should be home when he says he will.
 

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I ask my dh to tell me when he'll be home. I don't care when it is, but I wanna know. It helps me plan when to go to bed and what's going on in the morning. I truly don't care if he comes in at 4 am, but I go to bed at 11pm then. If he'll be home at 11:30, I stay up to wait for him. Sometimes he calls and says "they're playing later, I'll be home after this game" and that's cool too. If I were to freak out on the phone, he might not want to call me, no?
 

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I read this, went to the store and thought about it, now I'm back with my response.<br>
I don't think you are being unreasonable. 1 & 2 have been addressed quite a bit (although I didn't read all the posts). I'm thinking about #3 because I have a night time thing too. I think that the reason is after all day of me doing the majority of the caring for DS I'm tired. The one thing I ask DH to do it put the baby to bed. It is stressful for me and I need a break. I even think it would be okay if he was just there and I did all the work but just knowing someone else is there to support you - someone you can hand the kid over too if you get to your wits end.<br><br>
This weekend he wanted to go out on Saturday - really, I have no problem with his going out at any time. And especially for this, playing sports because I know it brings him stress relief and helps him alot. I still feel resentful every single time. Not sure what to do about it because in my case I'm the one with the unreasonable issue. But maybe something I've said will help you figure out more about your situation.
 

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Hugs mama...He should check in, and I have to agree with Mia Pia...<br><br>
"<i>I really don't see why a married man (especially one with kids) would need to be out that late anyway. I mean, what is there to do at that time of night?</i>"
 
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