[Bearsmama]

My neighbor's DD is 3.5 yo. Exactly one year older than my DS. My DS really likes playing with her toys and hanging out with her older brother who is 6. The 6 year old is a compassionate, fun, sharing kinda kid. The little girl, however, is just, well, MEAN.

She has pushed my DS onto the ground for no reason at all (they weren't even interracting during this incident), she's called him names ("knucklehead" for one) and is generally a little mean and, for lack of a better word, nasty, to my son and to us.

I supervise all interactions between DS and this little girl for the reasons above. The kids all play together in our yards and we have a fairly close relationship with these neighbors. They are good people and they DO make boundaries/rules for their kids.

I'm wondering, though, how much of this kind of stuff I should let slide. You know, 'kids will be kids' kinda thinking. And what portion of it should I call to the parents' attention? When this child has been rude or mean to my DS or to me, actually, I've reminded her that "In our house we say please when we want something", or "If you'd like that toy from DS, you can ask him nicely for it", etc.

Tonight she saw DS with a truck that is her brother's. She said (and I quote), "Give me that truck or I'll KILL you". I said, "X, if you'd like that truck, you can ASK DS for it back".

My DS loves to play with these kids, but it's getting so I have to watch every interaction very closely. How much of this, these kinds of words and actions, can I expose him to or how much should I? Should I just accept that DS is going to hear this kinda thing? He's only a little guy and so impressionable. It makes me sad.

What do you think? TIA.

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[Kabes]

For me it would depend on two things. . . my patience & enery levels and if my child started to do these things too. When my girls start to mimic bad behavior I pull the from the situation. It's just so hard to take them away when they really enjoy the company of the other children.

 

[Eustacia]

I have had a similar experience (not as severe) with my dd and a neighbor who is exactly one year older. This neighbor boy is usually sweet but at a moment's notice he can start pushing, screaming in her face, swearing, etc. My dd just adores this boy (and the mom and I are close pals) so it's been agonizing for me to know within my soul he just isn't the right playmate in a lot of circumstances.

The answer for me was to take a break. I didn't plan the break between my family and this neighbor family but it just happened naturally as our schedules went in different directions for a few weeks. I found that I was more relaxed knowing that dd wasn't going to be put in a situation where she could be hurt or scared. Our schedules have come back into a groove now and dd played with the neighbor boy today. It went well. They were both amazingly happy to see each other and they did non-contact things like swing, play chase, and at other times they went their separate ways. I think the key for us is going to be moderation. We'll spend time with this family every week; not every day. My number one job in their play times is to protect my dd.

Can you take a break from this situation? Let's say they play together every day at 4:30 pm. Can you be somewhere else at the usual play time for a week and see how you feel? You can determine (with some distance from the situation) if you value their play relationship or if you want it to die a slow death.

Damn neighbors. Where are the Huxtables when you need them?

 

[Bearsmama]

kabes-Thanks (and thanks for you other help/advice with all my other posts lately! I've had a lot of questions lately...). Yes, I do pull DS from these situations. I also remind him that when something "bad" is done to him we DO NOT have to do that thing, too. DS really enjoys their company, but I think even at this tender age, he, too, is realizing that the neighbors's DD is a hard little person to be around. He gravitates toward the older boy. I just wish I could keep him sheltered from this stuff FOREVER! (Not really, but you know what I mean).

And thank you, Eustacia. We LOVE our neighbors, too. It is the first neighbor situation that we've ever had like this. Of course, we've always been friendly with our past neighbors, but this is like the "old times" when I was growing up. The kids play, we bring each other food, sometimes eat together, watch our for each other's kids, etc. Part of the issue is that my DS is only still a little guy and I DO supervise almost everything. Perhaps when he is a year older I'll feel more comfortable letting him be outside w/out me for a while, but not now. And I think that the kids next door forget how young he is.
When DS got pushed on his face for no reason by this child, he was shocked. No one had ever done this sort of thing to him before. And he was upset. But the interesting thing is that for the next 2-3 times he saw the neighbor girl, he went to push her. And it wasn't even in an aggressive way. It was like he thought, "well, I guess that's what she wants me to do".

So, the neighbors don't supervise AS closely as we do, but that might be b/c of the age difference.

And yes, we DO have breaks. We don't play every day together, and this helps a bit.