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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
My name's Kristi and I'm very new to this forum. My dh and I are ttc.<br><br>
We've been talking a lot about parenting stlyes and stuff and I'm realizing we are developing very different beliefs on what will be best for our child(ren).<br><br>
I am leaning towards some *mild* AP parenting and he is very traditional American, patriarch-ish. For example: He thinks children should be weaned at 5 or 6 months, or else they'll develop psychological problems (ie become mama's boys). I told him I would have no problem nursing until the child was ready to go to kindergarten if that's what they needed and he said he'd be blown away if I were still nursing at age two. I told him that there is no evidence supporting extanding bfing turning childen into mama's boys or anything, and that I believed it was better for the child because it would ncrease the bonds between us and help then feel secure and loved. He says there's no evidence to support that because we don't know what babies are thinking.<br><br>
Anyways, sorry about the "he-said, she-said" but I just am at a loss. This is just one example of our differences, but it's really eating away at me. I'm a worrywart (which is why I'm in here now, instead of when I actually have a bfing baby!) so I want to be prepared.<br><br>
Don't get me wrong... My hubby is a wonderful man. He is so smart and sweet and generally supportive of my little oddities. He's progressed a loooooooong way in his thinking, coming from a very traditional, conservative, Southern background. I know that if choose to exbf he won't stop me (as he understands its my body and my choice), but I don't want this to become a big issue, where my hubby is weirded/grossed out by exbfing or whatever. The other things I'm fighting for will be easy to win, but this one will make me really uncomfortable if he is grossed out by it.<br><br>
Has anyone else dealt with this? If so, did your hubby or s/o eventually get over it? What did you do to ease his mind? Are there any websites or books that would help him see the beauty and value of exbfing?<br><br>
TIA. Kristi <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/innocent.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="shy">
 

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HUGS Mama! My Dh didn't want me to BF at all so I know where you are coming from. I told him that formula simply wasn't an option so I went ahead and BF and he got used to it VERY quickly. Once I was doing it he saw that it wasn't weird. I'm still nursing at 17 months and he's never had an issue with it.<br><br>
Keep in mind that your DH doesn't have a baby yet so the thought of having a 2 year old, let alone BFing a 2 year old is completely foreign to him. He may very well surprise you and be ok with it when the time comes. I NEVER thought my DH would come around but he really did. Good Luck!
 

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Wow, <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> to you. It sounds like you have some serious issues to work out. As to breastfeeding. AAP says 1 yr MINIMUM and WHO says 2 years MINIMUM so why would you give your child less than minimum? I think your husband needs to do a LOT of research before becoming a daddy.<br><br>
-Angela
 

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Would he be pursuaded by the science aspect of the benefits of extended breastfeeding? There are tons of facts on <a href="http://www.kellymom.com" target="_blank">www.kellymom.com</a> (a site run by a lactation consultant). You have the AAP on your side (recommends exclusive breastfeeding for six months, and then complemented by solid foods for at least a year, longer if desired. The World Health Organization recommends breastfeeding for at least two years, longer if desired. Would he listen to a doctor? You could call around to some peds and find a breastfeeding friendly ped who would be willing to talk to you and your husband.<br><br>
I think I'd want to know exactly why he things extended breastfeeding is gross. Sometimes people get so wrapped up with breasts being sexual that they completely forget that breasts have a function (to feed babies). You might also want to get your hands on a copy of the book So That's What They're For. I've never read it, but have heard good things about it in regards to encouraging breastfeeding.
 

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I bet he will be a lot less weirded out and grossed out by it when he actually sees it happening. It's one thing to be unexposed to it and uneducated about it and just see a woman bf'ing a toddler- in our society that is unfortunately not a common sight and most people are conditioned to believe that it's wrong and weird.<br>
there are a TON of websites that can give scientific and medical proof of the value of extended breastfeeding- just type it into google and you'll find a million. you can tell your DH the American Academy of Pediatrics recommends breastfeeding at least one year and the World Health Organization recommends at least two years.<br>
as far as this:<br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
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<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">I believed it was better for the child because it would ncrease the bonds between us and help then feel secure and loved.<br>
He says there's no evidence to support that because we don't know what babies are thinking</td>
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well, yes we do! plenty of babies have their own words for breastfeeding and demand it from their mothers well into age 3 or 4 or beyond! also, child psychologists have most certainly done research on the effects of breastfeeding and found only positive results.<br><br>
here is some info;<br><br><a href="http://www.promom.org/101/" target="_blank">http://www.promom.org/101/</a><br><a href="http://rehydrate.org/breastfeed/index.html#Advantages%20of%20breastfeeding" target="_blank">http://rehydrate.org/breastfeed/inde...0breastfeeding</a><br><a href="http://people.clarityconnect.com/webpages3/wiessinger/bfing/index.html" target="_blank">http://people.clarityconnect.com/web...ing/index.html</a><br><br>
just follow your own instincts, you're completely right about this, and I bet hubby will come around. once you're a parent, the numerical ages of babies becomes much less imporant as you see your newborn turn into a four month old and a six month old etc- they're still your little baby! and I bet as he sees it progress, especially if he becomes educated on how healthy extended bf'ing is, he will support you more and more. if not, we will! lol
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
Thanks so much for the wonderful advice and support. I hadn't really thought about how foreign this all is to him. Things might change a lot when we actually have a little one!<br><br>
I'm going to pick up the sugested books and see what I can find. And I know that hearing support for at least 1-2 years of bfing from WHO and AAP will really help. I didn't know that info was available.<br><br>
My hubby has gone from unwilling to consider a non-hospital birth to being excited about a homebirth and even nervously open to a UC. He really wants to be a good dad and he trusts my instincts a lot. I'm sure he just needs some gentle coaxing.<br><br>
The info you guys gave me will help SO much. Thanks a bunch!<br><br>
Kristi
 

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My DH was just assuming I would stop nursing DD at one. I didn't really know much then, so I didn't argue with him about it. As I read more and more in this community I learned and grew and he's just sort of had to go along with the flow. He doesn't think it's gross, but he also doesn't see us nursing much... He's at work 10-14 hours a day so he REALLY doesn't have much of a say in what kind of parenting "we" do. He HAS realized that even though DD seems so "old" at 2 years, to us, she is still very much a baby in some ways. So, he's not wigged out by nursing until 2.5 or so. I admire women who go longer than that, but at this point cannot imagine I will, which is different from the 1 year thing. He just assumed I would quit at one year and I didn't know what I would do. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"> Anyway... DD only nurses once a day - so I think she's going to wean herself anyway. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile">
 

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My DP said things like "But you're supposed to stop BFing when they hit a year old." and other stuff about not having a baby (now toddler) in bed, he shrugged at cloth diapers, and left that to me.<br><br>
So now that my son is 26 months and nursing all day long we laugh at the way he used to think before DS was born. We love cuddling our son in bed, and the cloth diapers, well they lasted for 16 months anyway.<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol">
 

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You know, I didnt even think I would be nursing at age 2 when my I was pregnant with my dd.....so I can understand him being hesitant about it, especially if he isnt used to spending time around a bf family. It is amazing how different it feels when you meet your baby though. Life, for us anyway, just progressed so naturally while breastfeeding, as the months went by, that it became such a natural and regular thing. Dh became quite the breastfeeding advocate, watching our babies flourish and experiencing how happy it made his babies. I bet your dh will feel differently when he gets that paternal instinct kicking in.
 

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I was BFed until age 2.5, and I have no memory of it ever taking place... and I am an extremely independent woman. I do not even have much of a relationship with my mother. So I do not know where his theory would hold any ground.<br><br>
My theory is... those are your breasts. You and your baby can have the relationship with them that you see fit to have.
 

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When my ds hit 6 months, and the time when it is recommended to start solids, I began trying to feed him, thinking this is the start to him eating grown up food....boy was I wrong! He had maybe a teaspoon a day till he was 1, somedays he would not even have that much! (This is quite a common thing I hear) So if your dh thinks they are weaned by 5 or 6 months, then you need to ask him..."Weaned onto what?" Formula? Theres a ton of info on how bf is way more beneficial than formula, so why not just continue to give your dc natures perfect food? I can practically guarantee that by 5 to 6 months they will not be eating enough solids to get by....and it's not recommended to start solids much before then anyway.
 

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My DH had never really thought about any of the issues involved with AP so it was all new to him, and while he didn't present me with the direct challenge of disagreement right from the start, he is a person who will insist on "moderation in all things" which isn't always compatible with meeting the kid's needs in an AP manner. He did appreciate that I chose my parenting style on evidence-based research rather than cultural beliefs, but until I explained it to him he was completely unaware of the research supporting AP. When there is something he is uncomfortable with I remind him that I am smart, I make good choices, and I will never do anything that is not good for our kids.<br><br>
I would not advise throwing all this at him at once. I don't know your dh but in my journey bringing my own dh to AP, I have had the biggest success just going quietly about my business and then addressing each of his concerns singly. Dumping a lot of info on him at once overwhelms him and can create an adversarial feeling, like I'm aggressively trying to "prove him wrong." If he worries about nutrition, I offer him information about that, if he worries about weaning, I offer him Dettwyler's research... mostly I just tell him about the research I find, since he doesn't have as much time to read as I do.<br><br><br>
Here's a great article that may help with understanding what's normal for human children:<br><br>
A natural age of weaning<br><a href="http://www.kathydettwyler.org/detwean.html" target="_blank">http://www.kathydettwyler.org/detwean.html</a><br><br><br>
The AAP states that there is no psychological harm in continuing to nurse past one year.<br><br><br><a href="http://www.lalecheleague.org/cbi/Biospec.htm" target="_blank">This article</a> has summaries of research that shows positive psychological outcomes for children who have nursed longer than the current societal norm. Here's one quote with references:<br><br>
Parent-child relationships<br>
Children who were breast fed for a longer duration were more likely, at age 15-18 years, to report higher levels of parental attachment and tended to perceive their mothers as being more caring and less overprotective towards them compared with bottle-fed children. After adjustment for maternal and perinatal factors, the duration of breastfeeding remained significantly associated with adolescent perceptions of maternal care, with increasing duration of breast feeding being associated with higher levels of perceived maternal care during childhood. Fergusson DM, Woodward LJ. "Breast feeding and later psychosocial adjustment." Paediatr Perinat Epidemiol 1999 Apr;13(2):144-57<br><br><br><br>
Also this:<br>
Sally Kneidel in "Nursing Beyond One Year" (New Beginnings, Vol. 6 No. 4, July-August 1990, pp. 99-103.):<br><br>
"One study that dealt specifically with babies nursed longer than a year showed a significant link between the duration of nursing and mothers' and teachers' ratings of social adjustment in six- to eight-year-old children (Ferguson et al, 1987). In the words of the researchers, 'There are statistically significant tendencies for conduct disorder scores to decline with increasing duration of breastfeeding.'"<br><br><br>
And from the milkofhumandkindness.org site (link no longer works for me, though, looking for it's new home!)<br><br>
"Cross-cultural research indicates a positive correlation between a culture's norm for duration of breastfeeding and a its level of peacefulness. Breastfeeding also promotes development in the parts of the human brain that regulate emotions and help us solve problems non-violently."<br><br>
So yes, we do have mounting evidence that there are plenty of psychological benefits of breastfeeding for a natural duration or at least longer than our culture typically chooses to. And in all my investigation into this topic I have never run across any claim saying nursing past X age is psychologically harmful that has an actual, peer-reviewed, published scientific study to back it up. Not one. It is nothing more than a cultural myth.<br><br>
and I'll throw this one in because understanding it really sets a foundation for comprehending the importance of the various AP type practises and it would be a good place to start - once he gets this, he might be more open in general to your POV.<br><br>
the science of parenting:<br><a href="http://www.mothering.com/9-0-0/html/9-9-0/science-of-attachment.shtml" target="_blank">http://www.mothering.com/9-0-0/html/...tachment.shtml</a><br><br><br>
HTH <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile">
 

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I agree with PP.<br><br>
If you asked my DH about BFing a 12 month old, he probably would have said "no way".. and maybe the same thing to a 6 month old....<br><br>
But DD is 19 months old now, and still BFing a lot. DH sees her say "nee, nee" and toddle full speed over to me, shriek with joy when I lift the bra and guzzle down that yummy stuff. He also sees that she has never had as much as a bad cold in her whole life...<br><br>
If I asked him now? no doubt he would say "do it as long as you can stand it - it makes her soooo happy and healthy"
 

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While bfing has never been an issue with DH, we've had some issues about other things, mostly due to his lack of knowledge about the subject. I've found if I bring up a topic, mention it very briefly in passing, wait a while, then mention it again, and slowly get more and more in-depth with the topic. By the time that is becomes time to actually do what we've been discussing for months or years, it is very comfortable to him, and he is very much on-board with it.<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/winky.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Wink"> He is a strong supporter of AP and is quite crunchy without really knowing it. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol">
 

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DH and I both have been a work in progress. The way he feels now isn't necessarly the way he will feel in a few years.<br><br>
When I was in college I was as mainstream as they come. I was pro CIO, pro spanking, bf wasn't even a blip on my radar, I just thought all babies took a bottle, etc.<br><br>
By the time DH and I got married I was anti spanking but some of the other stuff was still there.<br><br>
By the time DS was born I was pro-bf and anti CIO.<br><br>
Now I am about as crunchy as they come. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"><br><br>
DH has progressed right along with me.
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
Forgive me, but I have to whine... <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"><br><br>
My mother, dh and I were talking last night about babies and whatnot (I talk about it A LOT!) and the topic of breastfeeding came up. Dh said that it's not acceptable to exbf and my mother agreed. She said, "As soon as they can chew regular food, that's it- they're done."<br><br>
My mother is very opinionated and pushy with her views. Our relationship is often strained because of this. She told my husband, "Kristin will just talk her line of shit until the time comes. As soon as the baby gets teeth she'll change her tune."<br><br>
I wanted to just cry. I feel like I'm being discouraged to plan ahead for my children, or even to even suggest non-mainstream ideas. I'm so upset I can't stand it. My mother has always been very judgmental and close-minded, and she's encouraging my dh to act the same way. I feel like I'm completely alone here.<br><br>
As soon as I move to California in May I'll have to make some AP or at least open-minded friends. Is anyone else here ttc and living in Southern CA? I need crunchy friends badly!<br><br>
Kristi<br><br>
BTW thanks for all the encouragment. It sounds lame but I feel like the people on this forum are the only ones I'm connecting with on these issues! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hide.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hide">:<br><br>
K
 

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it's not lame- I *still* feel that way and my baby is 8 months old! I don't know ANYONE IRL who is into the whole AP thing as much as I am. my mom and dh are very supportive with the bf'ing but everyone else is either neutral or a little....confused.<br>
you can tell your mom that you "know" plenty of women who ebf their kids and with whole sets of teeth! maybe now isn't a good time to talk about it with her, and maybe it never will be- many mother on here have to refrain from discussing their personal choices with closed minded relatives, it's none of their business anyways.
 

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Uh...some babies get teeth as early as three months, and that's definitely too early for solids. The teeth really aren't all that huge a deal. It's an adjustment, but isn't everything about a baby an adjustment? There are ways to deal with biting that DO NOT include weaning.<br><br>
I know you're not pregnant now, but you may want to set up a support network the second you find out you are, especially in the area of breastfeeding. LLL is a great place to start, and there may be breastfeeding classes or other groups too in your area. If your dh and family aren't supportive of breastfeeding, you'll need some people you can talk to. The first weeks can be hard enough WITH a supportive dh. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"><br><br>
Although, once you actually have a baby, and your dh sees what babies are like he may realize that breastfeeding a six month old isn't all that different than an 8 month old, and isn't all that different than a 12 month old. I was surprised how much more like a baby my dd was than a toddler at 12 months. Heck, I didn't think I would breastfeed past six months, and if you would have told me I'd be nursing while pregnant with #2, I would have laughed at you. People can change with education and experience. Keep talking about it, keep showing dh information.<br><br>
Good luck!
 

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<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
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<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>~~Mama2B~~</strong></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Forgive me, but I have to whine... <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"><br><br>
My mother, dh and I were talking last night about babies and whatnot (I talk about it A LOT!) and the topic of breastfeeding came up. Dh said that it's not acceptable to exbf and my mother agreed. She said, "As soon as they can chew regular food, that's it- they're done."<br><br>
My mother is very opinionated and pushy with her views. Our relationship is often strained because of this. She told my husband, "Kristin will just talk her line of shit until the time comes. As soon as the baby gets teeth she'll change her tune."<br><br>
I wanted to just cry. I feel like I'm being discouraged to plan ahead for my children, or even to even suggest non-mainstream ideas. I'm so upset I can't stand it. My mother has always been very judgmental and close-minded, and she's encouraging my dh to act the same way. I feel like I'm completely alone here.<br><br>
As soon as I move to California in May I'll have to make some AP or at least open-minded friends. Is anyone else here ttc and living in Southern CA? I need crunchy friends badly!<br><br>
Kristi<br><br>
BTW thanks for all the encouragment. It sounds lame but I feel like the people on this forum are the only ones I'm connecting with on these issues! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hide.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hide">:<br><br>
K</div>
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The best thing you can do is be educated. My DH was similar, thinking it was weird, and gave me lots of "When is she going to be done?" questions all the time. I'm nursing my almost 4 year old, and my almost 2 year old daughters. he's quit saying them, as I've told him numerous times she will be done when she's ready. My X-MIL was like your mom (but worse; almost abuse), and I felt powerless to do anything about it (I had them young; 1st at 16; we were living with them as well). She kept telling me I was starving them (my boys), that I didn't have enough milk, etc. until I broke down and gave them a bottle, and that was the end of BFing them. PLEASE don't let that happen to you, as I carry a lot of guilt toward my boys about a lot of things, but there wasn't much I could do at the time.<br><br>
If it comes down to it, don't let your mom around you & the baby until she stops criticizing you and your choices. Be strong! Print off & show your DH & your mom the facts on extended BFing. Just don't let her push you around. Some people are that way because they feel guilty about their own parenting choices they made, and now regret it.
 

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You've gotten some great resources and advice. I can't add much more to that.<br><br>
I do want to tell you that I think it's great that you're preparing to be a mom before you are one and that I am behind you 100% in sticking to your guns. Once upon a time my husband was pro-circ and thought breastfeeding was best done in private and ended by 3 months.<br><br>
Now he is a sling wearing, co-sleeping dad who washes diapers and speaks up against circ'ing.<br><br>
People can change. I never forced anything on him. Instead, I asked him to read things I gave him and consider it. He was very open to "my" way. I can honestly say we've never argued about any of it.<br><br>
Work on him gently and present him with the articles and research. Good luck!
 
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