[Pandora114]

he said "The midwives will take care of you and I'll take care of DD, and you can take care of yourself between the time then and the midwives get here just like you did when you went into labour with DD. Anyway she's good if she's stuck in front of the TV..."

Yeah like I WANTED to do it that way...Like I WANTED to be totally emotionally abandoned by the father of my child and care providers...Hell this time I dont even have a Cat to keep me company or put counterpressure on my pelvis.

Just because I *CAN* do it by myself doesn't mean I *WANT* to do it by myself..

Like for crying out loud, she only costs $300! It costs a hellof alot more to fly either my family or his family out here. Like I want to do that. For crying out loud...

I'm extremely hurt and extremely upset. I guess I should just ditch this whole homebirth idea, see an OB get an induction scheduled and schedule for childcare through the MFRC like a NORMAL person would do...

I dont need anyone...obviously...sheesh I WANT support I WANT someone who cares there...And I'm not gonna get it this time either...

Well at least he's being honest about it...unlike the bio-idiot..

I was hoping for so much more from him..I really was..

 

[Jude Rose]

Why is he the one who gets to have final say?

Get your doula and have the labour you deserve. If you have to, hire her, pay her in advance and let him know a few days before labor or not until the day. In the end, no matter how much he cares and thinks he knows what's going on, he's still a man and incapable of being able to completely empathize.
(now don't flame me, ladies. I don't prefess to know what an erection feels like either-some things are just different between the sexes)

I am being strong-willed here and I apologize, since I'm not even in your DDC, but I promise you I have a very balanced and loving relationship with my DH. One can respect and honor their partner and still honor and love themselves enough to make the decision that need to for their own self-care and safety.

I hope you find the courage to stand up for yourself, mama.

 

[hawkfeather]

sorry to lurk.. i saw your post pop up n the main page!

and lots of love that is a ruogh situation, as a doula I can say i have met a few husbands that have taken my role as a threat and it always makes it harder on the momma!

I would really recomend speaking to him about it and letting him know your needs. It is your birth you should decide!
good luck either way!

 

[Pandora114]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jude Rose Why is he the one who gets to have final say?

Because I'm a SAHM with no income of my own. That's why. All income is earned by him and even though it's a joint account, we have BOTH Agreed to big "purchases" (read anything over $100) and if one vetoes it, it doesn't get bought.

I have no way to make $300 on my own, well not without taking my clothes off for people on stage, and then I dont think men would like staring at my pregnant gut..

 

[aisraeltax]

if my dh said that to me b/c of the $$, then i would earn it somehow. sell some things you have. i don't know...anything.
SHAME him into it.
make a deal with him. like, what if i save up from my discretionary income, or whatever.
you have until Dec. i know thats not long, but you can find some things to sell for $300 or save that much until then.
perhaps your dh doesnt realize HOW IMPORTANT this is for you and your birth.

i dont know what you meant by bio-idiot..

sorry for butting into your DDDC but saw this on the first page.

 

[Pandora114]

he acctually came up and said it wasn't about the money..

It's more about...He feels insulted that he wont be good enough for it...and that i have to ..no HE has to pay some stranger...to take care of me...then he brought up how I dont even trust doctors/nurses, people who DESERVE my trust..blahblahblah..

Basicly he feels like it's a kick to his nuts..

 

[Jude Rose]

I'm sorry your situation is so complicated. I feel for you and wish you had more time because with enough imagination, I bet you could come up with a money making plan. I guess that leaves working some more on DH. Maybe you could convince him with facts. Like the fact that the labor will go more smoothly if you are able to be as relaxed as possible and as focused as possible. He obviously doesn't understand how complex a woman's labor experience is-not to mention that each one is it's own unique situation.

I wish you the best of luck and truly hope all ends up just as you want it.

 

[Pandora114]

I emailed the doula I talked to tonight, I hope her email service doesn't dump my email this time

I was kinda hoping she'd email DH and give a bit of a better explination as to what a Doula does...

this stinks....

 

[Twilight]

Quote:

he acctually came up and said it wasn't about the money.. It's more about...He feels insulted that he wont be good enough for it...and that i have to ..no HE has to pay some stranger...to take care of me...then he brought up how I dont even trust doctors/nurses, people who DESERVE my trust..blahblahblah.. Basicly he feels like it's a kick to his nuts..

He didn't find it ironic at all that he didn't say he would support you - that he's asking you to support yourself and he'll take care of DD?

So he's upset that you are going to ask someone to do his job that he is not going to do anyway. I know it makes sense somewhere in his mind but I am scratching my head here!

Want me to smack him around a bit?

 

[Pandora114]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Twilight He didn't find it ironic at all that he didn't say he would support you - that he's asking you to support yourself and he'll take care of DD? So he's upset that you are going to ask someone to do his job that he is not going to do anyway. I know it makes sense somewhere in his mind but I am scratching my head here! Want me to smack him around a bit?

He basicly said he was willing to do two things at once, Tend to me, AND tend to DD...

I'm sorry but when I NEED support, and knowing OUR luck DD will NEED something at the same time...it's gonna be a total conflict on his part and it will wind up stressing him out to no end..

So since he isn't gonna be there %100 for me, he'll be split 50/50 between me and DD, I should just prepare myself to be left alone...again...

This labour I want all or nothing..not some idiot playing video games while I holler my guts out through transition...

 

[Mrs_Hos]

Whoa whoa whoa....wait...
He thinks that YOU think that a doula is needed because you don't trust he can 'help you' ...hmmmm BUT if the need arrises he can help take care of your child...HELLO...if he is taking care of the other baby, how is helping YOU?
LOGIC 101...I need a doula so that she can run all over the house and retrieve what I need or take care of our child so that YOU can FOCUS ALL of your ENERGY on ME!
Men...I swear. I wish I could be a lesbian...I REALLY wish I could...

 

[Pandora114]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mrs_Hos Whoa whoa whoa....wait... He thinks that YOU think that a doula is needed because you don't trust he can 'help you' ...hmmmm BUT if the need arrises he can help take care of your child...HELLO...if he is taking care of the other baby, how is helping YOU? LOGIC 101...I need a doula so that she can run all over the house and retrieve what I need or take care of our child so that YOU can FOCUS ALL of your ENERGY on ME! Men...I swear. I wish I could be a lesbian...I REALLY wish I could...

You summed it up in a nutshell. Now go and tell HIM that..

He just doesn't "Get" it..*sigh* and is *Still* pissed at me. I went downstairs to get a glass of water, he didn't even look at me.

 

[Mrs_Hos]

I'm smiling and giggling a bit since I am remembering a post a LONG time ago from a hubby who complained about someone's lack of house cleaning etc, and people attacked him after finding out about the mom-to-be's sciatica pain etc...Was that you? Hahhaha...Same hubby too...
I'm tellin ya...men are good for some things...work for one!

I'm a military wife also and I TOTALLY feel your pain...example...we have a wonderful (yet very old) Honda Accord...I love it, we have taken VERY good care of it...yet dh wants a new one...why you ask? because this one embarasses him...dude, I LOVE this car and I would drive it over our civic even tho the accord doesn't have A/C!!! Yep, pg in OHIO and I would drive it without A/C!
Anyhow...I think I'd veto his veto....I would do it and get the fight out there and tell him that this ranks up there with 'our kid needs a kidney transplant and even tho' you vetoed it, I got that damn kidney anyways' type of argument IMHO! BUT, then again, I am a BIATCH when it comes to LOGICAL things that he disagrees with--and I'm proven right 99% of the time...ex--this is why we STILL have the 1993 Accord with 214K miles on it! Oh...it got a 'check up' today and is in WONDERFUL shape...even my mechanic says DON"T GET RID OF IT!
Men....I swear...

I truely hope you get out there and make some wonderful friends! You're bound to find one that is like minded and that will stay out of your birth space--watching dd while you labor, and letting her downstairs to the basement when you call!

 

[Pandora114]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mrs_Hos I'm smiling and giggling a bit since I am remembering a post a LONG time ago from a hubby who complained about someone's lack of house cleaning etc, and people attacked him after finding out about the mom-to-be's sciatica pain etc...Was that you? Hahhaha...Same hubby too... I'm tellin ya...men are good for some things...work for one! I'm a military wife also and I TOTALLY feel your pain...example...we have a wonderful (yet very old) Honda Accord...I love it, we have taken VERY good care of it...yet dh wants a new one...why you ask? because this one embarasses him...dude, I LOVE this car and I would drive it over our civic even tho the accord doesn't have A/C!!! Yep, pg in OHIO and I would drive it without A/C! Anyhow...I think I'd veto his veto....I would do it and get the fight out there and tell him that this ranks up there with 'our kid needs a kidney transplant and even tho' you vetoed it, I got that damn kidney anyways' type of argument IMHO! BUT, then again, I am a BIATCH when it comes to LOGICAL things that he disagrees with--and I'm proven right 99% of the time...ex--this is why we STILL have the 1993 Accord with 214K miles on it! Oh...it got a 'check up' today and is in WONDERFUL shape...even my mechanic says DON"T GET RID OF IT! Men....I swear... I truely hope you get out there and make some wonderful friends! You're bound to find one that is like minded and that will stay out of your birth space--watching dd while you labor, and letting her downstairs to the basement when you call!

yup twas me and twas my husband. And right now my lack of housecleaning is a direct result of HIM not doing anything about the BOXES in the house that are in my way...I cant take them to recycling. Hell I want to get this place nice and clean...will he help.. no.

Anyway, I can't really veto the veto...it really is hurting his feelings I guess, and I'm a nice person that way to realize that his feelings are hurt. Treat one as you would like to be treated is my motto, even though there are times he doesn't reciprocate..

He's pretty bad at leaving garbage on the counter (sorry Recycling) *sigh*

I hope I can get out there too, but it's hard when everything is in biking distance, and I don't own a bike...and the *last* thing I need, as you know, is to open up the gossip mill on myself. Hence why I'm keeping myself pretty isolated from the rest of the military community. People will think I'm standoffish and gossip about me anyway, but at least I'm not giving them any ammo..you know how it is...

 

[aja-belly]

http://www.expectantmothersguide.com...dadsdoulas.htm

sorry to butt in on your ddc. thought you might like this to share with hubby (there are tons of similar articles if you google "dads and doulas". it' a really common situation.

eta - post 400!!

 

[LizaBear]

Do you not get a 'baby bonus' check, or the universal child care subsidy ? If you do - you have your own source of income, hubby be damned.

Mind you - I'm a SAHM mom, and the above is my only source of income, and it goes to pay our bills, but I made damn sure to budget in money for a doula starting pretty much as soon as I found out I was expecting again. That is something for ME that nobody can take away.

*I* am the one who has spend the better part of a year housing a parasitic young human, growing him or her from a single cell into a being of 8+ pounds, my body creating an entire NEW organ solely to support this new being. The one who's very body has changed form, stretched, strained, and shifted to accomodate this growing being. I am the one who has endured months of being on the verge of puking every waking moment, only to move onto constant nagging sacrum and siactic pain, and the seperation of my pubic symphasis. Whose genitals need to stretch more than 10 times thier original size to allow the passage of a head more than 12" in diameter, whose muscles contract forcefully to push this being into the world around us. Who will likely end up with at least some minimal scarring on or IN my genitals because of this.

When *I* am the one who is doing all this, who DARES to even think they are allowed to VETO any help I can find ?? Heaven help the fool who opens his mouth to say that to me.

 

[LizaBear]

Sorry Pandora - I didn't mean to hijack. I really REALLY hope you find someone to be there for you and your daughter during your labour.

 

[Mrs_Hos]

VERY well said LizaBear....
I would copy that, print it out, and hand it to hubby!! (mine will be deployed so he has NO say anyways though!

hahahahaha)

 

[aisraeltax]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Pandora114 he acctually came up and said it wasn't about the money.. It's more about...He feels insulted that he wont be good enough for it...and that i have to ..no HE has to pay some stranger...to take care of me...then he brought up how I dont even trust doctors/nurses, people who DESERVE my trust..blahblahblah.. Basicly he feels like it's a kick to his nuts..

i don't get his logic at all (sorry for coming back, but since i posted, im subbed to the thread. hope you don't mind).
1. if its not about the money, then great, that means you can spend the money if you can convince him of the sensibility of your need. so, be relieved thats off the table (and he cant bring it back up later as a veto reason). score one for you.
2. how can he be insulted that you don't believe he can be 2 places at one time? no one can. ever. no insult. just a fact.
3. the "stranger" wont be a stranger come the date for your labor. she will be a "friend" by then (i can make friends fast when need be! lol!).
4. why do drs/nurses DESERVE your trust? since when have those ppl actually been in any place SOLELY FOR YOUR BENEFIT? Ive been to a lot of hospitals, and i dont remember any time drs/nurses were there SOLELY for me, other than when a bunch of them were cutting me open for my c/'s. other than that, they were running around between me and a bunch of other patients (like your dh thinks he can do with you and your dd).

if HE wants to be WITH YOU solely, then hire a babysitter. but that had better be one great babysitter, b/c your dd is going to be at your birth, right? i babysat alot but i don't know if i could have handled that at 17 or whatever (then again, homebirths werent the norm in my area).

good luck. you shoudl feel good, though, that you have the money issue out of the way.

 

[Pandora114]

Quote:

Originally Posted by LizaBear Do you not get a 'baby bonus' check, or the universal child care subsidy ? If you do - you have your own source of income, hubby be damned. Mind you - I'm a SAHM mom, and the above is my only source of income, and it goes to pay our bills, but I made damn sure to budget in money for a doula starting pretty much as soon as I found out I was expecting again. That is something for ME that nobody can take away. *I* am the one who has spend the better part of a year housing a parasitic young human, growing him or her from a single cell into a being of 8+ pounds, my body creating an entire NEW organ solely to support this new being. The one who's very body has changed form, stretched, strained, and shifted to accomodate this growing being. I am the one who has endured months of being on the verge of puking every waking moment, only to move onto constant nagging sacrum and siactic pain, and the seperation of my pubic symphasis. Whose genitals need to stretch more than 10 times thier original size to allow the passage of a head more than 12" in diameter, whose muscles contract forcefully to push this being into the world around us. Who will likely end up with at least some minimal scarring on or IN my genitals because of this. When *I* am the one who is doing all this, who DARES to even think they are allowed to VETO any help I can find ?? Heaven help the fool who opens his mouth to say that to me.

It's ok. I *totally* get what you're saying. I get the CTCB to *myself* but Stephen Harper's Bribe money (yes I will call it how I see it) is going towards DD's preschool. Let's see if I DONT Touch the Baby bonus..at all.. $80/month.... Aug, Sept, Oct, Nov.... $80 x 4 is...damnit..stupid discalculia, does that make $300?