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Discussion Starter #1
I'll try to summarize this the best I can. My SIL is due in about a month or month and a half. DH and I have always gotten along very well with them, in fact they are about the only ones in his immediate family that we get along with so good. About a month ago BIL and SIL asked DH and I to be the baby's godparents, we were thrilled. DH was especially excited and when our little one gets here we had discussed having them as our godparents as well, we hadn't decided for sure just the possibility.<br><br>
Well yesterday BIL was in an accident. He is fine now, nothing too serious. DH and I rushed to leave work to go up to the hospital 2 hours away to be with SIL and BIL. We stayed there all day making sure preg. SIL was ok.<br><br>
Last night some other family members came to see how he was. It was SIL mom, brother and my in laws (my BIL parents). So BIL and SIL tell us that since most everyone is there together anyway they want to discuss a few things about when the baby is born. They start by telling me and DH that they hope it wont hurt our feelings but that they would rather we not be the godparents, they want SIL brother and his wife to be it. We were a little shocked mostly becuase they had already asked, and why ask someone unless you are 100% sure. They then tell everyone that they want only a few people at the hospital for the birth. Which is fine I understand completely about the 2 of them wanting to be there together. But, then they say that the only people who are "allowed" to be at the hospital is SIL mom, brother and his wife, SIL co worker, and SIL cousin.<br><br>
At this point I feel that they (mainly SIL) is completely discluding BIL side of the family. We didn't step in and say anything but told them that if that is what they want that is ok with us. We both felt terrible though. We stayed late and gave SIL a ride back to her house for the night, in the car she tells us again she hopes we aren't mad. Then she says that she did want us as godparents but since we live close to MIL and FIL, who she doesn't get along with, she decided against us because if anything were to happen to them she wouldn't want her kids that close to them. She then says that if anything were to happen she wants her side of the family to take the kids and she doesn't want BIL side of the family to have any contact with the children.<br><br>
BIL wasn't there to hear this, and obviously this is something the two of them need to decide, and apparently have. We aren't going to say or suggest anything, its not our place to step in. But now we are rethinking having them for our godparents. I mean if she wants all contact with BIL side of the family cut there is no way she would keep contact with them for our children.<br><br>
We haven't officialy asked them to be the godparents but I know they are expecting it. She has even made some not so subtle references to the fact that as the babys godmother she is going to do such and such...I feel that when we tell them who we have chosen she is going to take it very personaly. I want to explain to her that I am concern about her not wanting to be involved with the rest of the family. DH said that we don't owe her any explanation, he says she should respect our wishes like we did theirs.<br><br>
I'm not really sure what to do. I know its only the godparents and not such a big deal, but there was a lot of personal attack as well. I don't not want to choose them just because they didn't choose us. I just feel that their reasoning is out of line and don't want to potentially put our children in that position.<br><br>
Would you explain why you aren't choosing them or just leave it at the fact that we have chosen someone else? If she asks do I honestly tell her how hurt MIL and FIL were at being told not to be at the hospital? Or do I just tell her that if she is wondering she should ask them?
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> I'm so sorry.<br><br>
You don't owe her an explanation. If you want to give her an explanation, then you can, but you're not obligated to do so.
 

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I think that you should make your decision based not on hurt feelings, but who would be the best god parents for your child. Things may change by the time your baby comes. At the same time, definitely tell your sil that you are feeling sad, hurt disappointed. It is important to be honest in your communication.<br>
Good luck, and sorry that this happened, families are complicated.
 

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I think it was really rude to say your won't be the god parents infront of everyone. I do understand her reason. I think you are very on top of things to consider that they might prevent your dc from seeing some people. I'm kinda confussed over exactly what side of the family is being cut off. If you want your dc to have contact with the side of the family the SIL doesn't want contact with, then I would highly recommend finding someone else for godparents. We ahve yet to pick godparents as there is no one person we think willing and able to take on the challenge of our dd. Luckily as dd gets older more of our family are more willing to accept the responsibility.
 

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Discussion Starter #5
Just to try to clarify DH and BIL are brothers. So when she said she didn't want BIL side of the family, mainly his parents, to see the child I was worried because that is my childrens side of the family too and I would want them involved in the childs life.<br><br>
I don't want her to feel that we aren't choosing them out of spite but I really want her to know why we aren't comfortable...I think we may just play it by ear for now.
 

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<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">She then says that if anything were to happen she wants her side of the family to take the kids and she doesn't want BIL side of the family to have any contact with the children.<br><br>
BIL wasn't there to hear this, and obviously this is something the two of them need to decide, and apparently have. We aren't going to say or suggest anything, its not our place to step in. But now we are rethinking having them for our godparents. I mean if she wants all contact with BIL side of the family cut there is no way she would keep contact with them for our children.</td>
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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><br>
If you want your kids to have contact with BIL's family should something happen to you I would not choose them for your children. (I am assuming God parents get the children if something should happen to you?)<br><br>
Having said that, I sure as heck dont want my dh's side to get my kids if something happens but I wouldnt say they should lose all contact, I just wouldnt want them RAISING my kids, but they could visit them for sure. Is that what she meant or did she really mean lose all contact? That's kind of sad!
 

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What is the function of godparents? Are you religious, and do godparents have a religious role for your family? I'm asking that because I can't conceive of a reason why the mother of an unborn child has to make any public announcement of godparents.<br><br>
I have read several threads now about your sister in law. She sounds like a real nutjob. It's especially insulting of her to tell you that she doesn't want her child to be close to his paternal grandparents--the same grandparents who have been making a bigger fuss over her pregnancy than over your impending adoption! I think playing it by ear is exactly right. Don't announce your godparenting decisions...in fact, don't reveal any of your parenting decisions to the family until you have to do it. I think it's wonderful that you are so kind to this emotionally limited woman whom you are related to by an accident of marriage, but under no circumstances should you pick her to be your child's godparent.<br><br>
I totally understand and agree with her desire to limit the number of people who will be there for her child's birth. In fact, I think she has included too many people. It's not a performance, it's childbirth!
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>littleaugustbaby</strong></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> I'm so sorry.<br><br>
You don't owe her an explanation. If you want to give her an explanation, then you can, but you're not obligated to do so.</div>
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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/yeahthat.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="yeah that">:
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Starr</strong></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">She then says that if anything were to happen she wants her side of the family to take the kids and she doesn't want BIL side of the family to have any contact with the children.</div>
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If she asks for an explanation, I would tell them that you are concerned that she would want to cut her children off from contact with your husband's side of the family. Obviously you, your husband and your child are part of that side of the family and she has problems with it, so she and her husband may not be the best choice for godparents.<br><br>
I'm sorry that she is so hurtful. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"> I wouldn't want things to get vindictive, so I would be tempted to try and clear the air if I felt things were going that way. But it may not be possible if she is close minded about it.
 

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Godparents are not guardians. They would still need to appoint guardians.<br><br>
If I were you, I would let her know how upset you are. I also wouldn't have someone like that as god parents to my children.
 
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