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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
this might be long, but here it goes... Me and my common law husband have been together for 4 and a half years and knew eachother for 8 years, we have a 2 babies together a 9 month old and a 2 year old... over the years he has had really bad alcohol issues, about 4 times a month he will take off stay out at his uncles get drunk and not come home (which i dont want him too anyways), he is a horrible drunk he blacks out everytime urinates himself, comes home the next day with bruises all over his body and a 2 day hangover, he always apologizes when he comes home and says he cant help it because he is an alcoholic... as soon as he gets over his hangover he starts begging to get a couple of beer to drink in the house and says that he can handle a few and that it is my fault that he runs off to get drunk somewhere else, couople of times i have relented because he threatens to leave the house and get drunk, when he drinks at home he will keep going outside to have a cigarette after another and listen to loud music in the house, which is very annoying, so i now not ever let him drink... the past couple of days he has been grumpy and angry at me for not letting him drink and threatening to leave, i live in a constant state of anxiety, so finally today i told him to leave and i dont want to be with him anymore, i feel so lonely because besides all of this stuff mentioned we have a really good time together and he is a very loving daddy.. I know he is an alcoholic and is having problems but he wont admit it and i cant help him because he wont listen... did i do the right thing by kicking him out?? i forgot to mention that he sometimes sneaks beer into the house and tries to hide it from me, i have caught him sometimes but he says there are alot of times that i never knew and that is why he should be able to drink, because he thinks if i didnt notice he was drinking than he can handle his alcohol.
 

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Discussion Starter · #2 ·
imso scared im going to take him back tomorrow when he comes home begging for foregiveness, im feeling so lonely and i have no one to talk to, and i miss him, i know he is at his uncles tonite drinking like usual...
 

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I'm so sorry. I have no advice but I didn't want to read and not post.


My father drank too much. It is not a good environment for kids, which you know. My dad was never violent, he would be sleepy, or angry and mean to us. My mother never had the courage to leave, or to make him leave, until we were all grown and then she moved out. No one ever spoke of the drinking.

you can't change another person. Maybe check out your local al-anon for some coping stratagies and ways to deal with it. There is a thread somewhere here about partners who drink, you might find some support there.
 

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I'm sorry-have you ever considered a support group like Al Anon? There are groups online:

http://www.ola-is.org/

It's important that you keep the focus on yourself and your needs, and you have every right to set whatever boundaries you feel are necessary.
 

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There is a big thread here called WWYD - When is the drinking enough to leave?

If he is so controlled by the alcohol that he's threatening to leave, then let him. He has to hit whatever his personal rock bottom is before he stops drinking. Until then, this is a cycle that's going to keep going and going and going and going.

And how awful for you and your children. And it doesn't help him to get the help he needs.

s: My dad was an alcoholic. Both his wives divorced him over alcohol. I finally had to stop talking to him before he'd join AA and get sober. It's been 7 1/2 years now.
 

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Hugs to you Mama. you did the right thing. I know exactly where you are. My husband is an alcholic too. I know the temptation of saying "yes" when he comes home begging.
He needs to fix this himself. It is the only way he will go sober. I know this is hard, but there is nothing you can do to help him and he will continue to find a way to blame you for his drinking if he is at home with you.
If you have snyone to watch your kids go to the next al-anon meeting. They are listed on-line. if you have to bring your kids, just go with your kids. You need support now!
If you have already let him come home, tell him the only way he can stay with you is if he goes to an AA meeting EVERY DAY. If he says no, or once a week...tell him he has to leave.
It was a long road to finding AA for my husband but he did it, and it has been almost 2 years of sobriety.
Your husband needs to find help soon. The longer that he continues this path the harder it will be for him to become sober...and the more damamge he will do to himself and his most important relationship, you.
I'll be thinking of you and sending ou vibes of strength. You can do it!
amanda
 

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JMHO but I would move out and not look back until he agrees to going to AA or some type of counseling and gets his life straight. I mean seriously...leaving and coming home a day or two later because he blacked out from being drunk? That isn't good for him not to mention for you and the two kids you are raising. He needs help.

I grew up around alcoholics, my dad was the worst one. He divorced my mom after she wouldn't put up with his drugs/alcohol abuse. His second wife helped him get clean and they are still together now. Your SO needs help. The only way he will get it is if you push him to do it by leaving him. He will then have to make a choice.
 

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Quote:

Originally Posted by mingomama
If you have already let him come home, tell him the only way he can stay with you is if he goes to an AA meeting EVERY DAY. If he says no, or once a week...tell him he has to leave.
It was a long road to finding AA for my husband but he did it, and it has been almost 2 years of sobriety.
I have to disagree with this on two points. First of all, giving an ultimatum isn't the answer. He has to realize he needs help on his own. An ultimatum will only make him angry. OP, if you have the strength to leave him and you feel it is the right course of action, then do it... but don't make threats. You leaving him might be the "bottom" he needs to realize it's time to seek sobriety, but giving ultimatums and threats won't. Focus on getting the help you need and let him get the help he needs when HE'S ready to seek it.

Secondly, don't assume that if he's not going to AA that he's not seeking recovery. There are many other ways to get sober... Smart Recovery, Rational Recovery, and even simple individual counseling. Many DO just quit on their own without any program. So don't "make" him go to AA as it might not be the recovery method for him - making him do so would be counter-productive... it could even derail his recovery attempts. AA may be the right one for him, or something else might be. Let him find his own way.

Best of luck. My heart goes out to you. I've not experienced having a loved one with this problem, but I know it can be life shattering.
 

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My X did some of the same stuff, including urinating on himself. Nice.

The question I asked myself: Would I want my baby girl in this relationship in 25 years? Would I want my boy treating his family like this? NO, for me, on both counts. Those kids are gonna live what they learn.

So, I took it upon myself to realize I couldn't "MAKE" him stop drinking. I can only get myself happy, not change him. It's been a long road, but I'm happier without him & the internal drama. I still get sucked into it externally, but it's much better to not have it in my house, and I'm teaching my children that it is NOT acceptable behavior.
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
so hubby came crawling back that nite at about 2 a.m, saying that he is going to seek help and really needs me, he came with his tail between his legs and a bag of his clothes he urinated on when he passed out around 4 that afternoon
i took him back because i love him sooo much and the babies really missed him, we agreed we are going to get him help asap!! thanks everyone for all your posts!! i really hope we can get through this
:
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
so it's only about a week later and i caught him sneaking drinks in the house and he's gone again cuz i kicked him out, i really believed him this time that he wanted to quit, but i guess it's obvious to me now what was always obvious to everyone else that he wants to have fun and the next day when he is done with having his fun he crawls back and pretends to be sorry and knows that i'll keep taking him back, and the cycle will continue when he feels like drinking and partying again. i could tell he was drinking cuz he was being clumsy he dropped hot soup on himself with dd sitting with him sharing the soup, he is damn lucky he never spilt any on her!!! then i could smell it on his breathe, and he denied it, until i found the bottle, he swore on my children's souls that he wasnt drinking!!
... he's gonna come crawling back tomorrow, i need the strength to turn him away, but i dont know if i could
 

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That is such a hard place to be, I can only give hugs and advice from some one who grew up with a step parent who drank.

He needs to want to be dry more than he wants that next drink, until that happens nothing you say or do will change him.
You need to do what's best for your children, you have daughters what you to advise them if the tables had turned and they were with this type of partner?
Would you want this for your granddaughters?
If he's drinking can you trust him as good as a father he is to be alone with your daughters?
These are the questions only you can answer and act on


I won't say how I personally feel and how having a parent who drank affected me growing up and even to this day, but I would NEVER allow my kids into a home with someone who couldn't control their drinking.
 

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Sorry you are going thru this.
Just remember you have to take care of yourself and your family first. One thing you did say that kind of stuck out to me:
"but i guess it's obvious to me now what was always obvious to everyone else that he wants to have fun and the next day when he is done with having his fun he crawls back and pretends to be sorry and knows that i'll keep taking him back"
Thinking about it this way is not going to help you at all. You will resent him greatly if you think he is just having fun. Beleive me i know, I have been there. You have to realize that alcoholism is a disease and most likely he is feeling ashamed at himself for not being able to control it. It is an addiction and not a need to party. You have to do what you need to for yourself but mentally it will most likely be easier on you to think of it that way rather than feeling like he betrayed you, etc. I personnaly had to get a restraining order when my husband was so deep into it that he didn't even understand what I meant when I tried to kick him out. He sobered up for 6 weeks and I let him back (restrianing order still in effect) and wouldn't you know it, he started again. It went on for 6 more months and finally he got treatment (which by the way is not very easy) and he has been sobor for 2 years and 1 month. He has been back home for 1 1/2 years and we slowly transitioned back (he lived in a half way house and came home for weekends). By the way the only way someone can get into a treatment facility (at least most of them) is if they are currently intoxicated. My DH kept getting held in hospital room, jails, etc until he was technically sobor and no place would take him. He eventually had to be taken into state custody for violating probation because he drank to get into a hospital and they placed him in a state run facility (not very pretty and he never wants to go back.) Your DH has to hit bottom and you have to take care of yourself. How you do that is up to you and only you. Sorry to make this so long. I have so much more I could say but honestly I am at work and about to go home and have to leave. I would write more this weekend but my stupid PC is broke and I have to bring it to get fixed. I will try to check in next week if I get a moment at work. And for anyone out there who disagree with me that is your prerogative, I am just sharing what helped me.

PS. DH wet himself all the time also. I am almost ashamed to admit this but our bed is stained and smells. We havn't been able to buy a new one yet and my husband is so ashamed that if I take off the mattress pad when he is in the room he goes into a minor depression. Luckily our tax return is going to get us a new one if we could only decide which one we both like.
 

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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by bubsmom
Sorry you are going thru this.
Just remember you have to take care of yourself and your family first. One thing you did say that kind of stuck out to me:
"but i guess it's obvious to me now what was always obvious to everyone else that he wants to have fun and the next day when he is done with having his fun he crawls back and pretends to be sorry and knows that i'll keep taking him back"
Thinking about it this way is not going to help you at all. You will resent him greatly if you think he is just having fun. Beleive me i know, I have been there. You have to realize that alcoholism is a disease and most likely he is feeling ashamed at himself for not being able to control it. It is an addiction and not a need to party. You have to do what you need to for yourself but mentally it will most likely be easier on you to think of it that way rather than feeling like he betrayed you, etc. I personnaly had to get a restraining order when my husband was so deep into it that he didn't even understand what I meant when I tried to kick him out. He sobered up for 6 weeks and I let him back (restrianing order still in effect) and wouldn't you know it, he started again. It went on for 6 more months and finally he got treatment (which by the way is not very easy) and he has been sobor for 2 years and 1 month. He has been back home for 1 1/2 years and we slowly transitioned back (he lived in a half way house and came home for weekends). By the way the only way someone can get into a treatment facility (at least most of them) is if they are currently intoxicated. My DH kept getting held in hospital room, jails, etc until he was technically sobor and no place would take him. He eventually had to be taken into state custody for violating probation because he drank to get into a hospital and they placed him in a state run facility (not very pretty and he never wants to go back.) Your DH has to hit bottom and you have to take care of yourself. How you do that is up to you and only you. Sorry to make this so long. I have so much more I could say but honestly I am at work and about to go home and have to leave. I would write more this weekend but my stupid PC is broke and I have to bring it to get fixed. I will try to check in next week if I get a moment at work. And for anyone out there who disagree with me that is your prerogative, I am just sharing what helped me.

PS. DH wet himself all the time also. I am almost ashamed to admit this but our bed is stained and smells. We havn't been able to buy a new one yet and my husband is so ashamed that if I take off the mattress pad when he is in the room he goes into a minor depression. Luckily our tax return is going to get us a new one if we could only decide which one we both like.
thank you for your response, i think i understand now, that it is a disease, he does feel very ashamed and in tears today when he came home, and begged me back, and he wants us to go to the hospital together to seek help, and i think it is best... he is such a loving father, my dd's love and adore him so much and cant stand being without him, and i also miss him when he's gone because we have so much fun talking and laughing and snuggies. thank you for your words of wisdom
 

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I hope all is going well. I wanted to mention that if at any time things get violent make sure you remove yourself and your children from any danger. I was lucky that my DH was not physically violent. Later I learned I was still suffering from emotional abuse which is what my RO was for. My DH smoked and he would light his cigarretes on the stove and leave the gas on. He would leave the back door open in the middle of winter. He would do very stupid things that caused me to never sleep. I stayed up everynight until he was passed out cold for fear that he would do something stupid. I even witnessed him fall down the stairs in such a way he should have been paralyzed. In case you are thinking about going to couples therapy dont. We tried a few times and it was disasterous. I was later told by 3 other councelors that are familiar with alcoholism that couples therapy is highly discouraged when active drinking is involved. They did recommend individual therapy which we have both done. I was also told that it usually takes 3 relapses before you can even consider that your in recovery. My DH's relapses were spread out over a few years. He would go to about 6 weeks and then relapse. His last time he spent the 6 weeks in inpatient care and then was discharged to a half-way house. I think that helped out a lot. We still have to take it day by day but it does feel like we have a fairly normal life and we are more in love with each other than we could have ever imagined. Please stay safe and try to keep your sanity as it can be a very tough road to follow. Also do not threaten to kick him out unless you plan to follow thru and not let him back at all. My coucelor taught me that and I have only threatened it once when he came home so he knows that that is it. He actually beleives that I would do it now. You have to set boundaries for yourself and not let go of them. I would recommend trying out a few Alanon meeting also since each one is different. Also try to go to a few open AA meetings to understand what it is he is facing, but go alone. I felt really strange the first few AA meeting I went to but they were very helpful and the people were very nice and encouraging.
 

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Admitting himself into the hospital for a detox would be a great first step. That's the one my father took to start his 7+ years of recovery.
 

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Quote:

Originally Posted by sweetpea333
this might be long, but here it goes... Me and my common law husband have been together for 4 and a half years and knew eachother for 8 years, we have a 2 babies together a 9 month old and a 2 year old... over the years he has had really bad alcohol issues, about 4 times a month he will take off stay out at his uncles get drunk and not come home (which i dont want him too anyways), he is a horrible drunk he blacks out everytime urinates himself, comes home the next day with bruises all over his body and a 2 day hangover, he always apologizes when he comes home and says he cant help it because he is an alcoholic... as soon as he gets over his hangover he starts begging to get a couple of beer to drink in the house and says that he can handle a few and that it is my fault that he runs off to get drunk somewhere else, couople of times i have relented because he threatens to leave the house and get drunk, when he drinks at home he will keep going outside to have a cigarette after another and listen to loud music in the house, which is very annoying, so i now not ever let him drink... the past couple of days he has been grumpy and angry at me for not letting him drink and threatening to leave, i live in a constant state of anxiety, so finally today i told him to leave and i dont want to be with him anymore, i feel so lonely because besides all of this stuff mentioned we have a really good time together and he is a very loving daddy.. I know he is an alcoholic and is having problems but he wont admit it and i cant help him because he wont listen... did i do the right thing by kicking him out?? i forgot to mention that he sometimes sneaks beer into the house and tries to hide it from me, i have caught him sometimes but he says there are alot of times that i never knew and that is why he should be able to drink, because he thinks if i didnt notice he was drinking than he can handle his alcohol.
Yes, I think you did the right thing. My dad was and alcholic till my Mom finally put her foot down and kicked his ass out. After a little while he got sober and they got back together. He hasn't had a drink in 15 years.
 
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