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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I need some suggestions...my husband is not keen on the idea of having a doula. He feels it will interfer with his role as a coach. I have tried to convince him that a doula will help him help me..BUt it isn't working!<br><br>
He is 100% supportive of VABC and is my cheerleader. What can I do? I was thinking about making sure he was educated on relaxation techniques and positions for labor. I was considering 2 books on the Bradley method??<br><br>
Any suggestions would be great!!
 

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Wow. I just went through the same thing. My husband was not keen on the idea of a doula either. I finally got him to agree to it by telling him just how much it means to me to give myself every advantage this time around. I quoted studies:<br>
The benefits of doula support as reported by Klaus, et al:<br><br>
25% shorter labors (by 2 hours minimum)<br>
50% fewer cesarean sections<br>
40% fewer epidurals<br>
30%-40% decrease in the need for forceps, vacuum extraction, pitocin and narcotics<br><br>
Several further studies have shown similar results in recent years.<br><br>
Reference: Klaus et al, "Mothering the Mother", Addison-Wesley, 1993, ISBN 0-201-56797-0<br><br>
I told him that he could meet the doula with me and that the doula would not replace him, but offer another helping hand and I want all the support I need.<br><br>
Keep on him and I think he'll come around since he seems to want you to be successful.<br><br>
Good Luck.<br><br>
What else are you doing to prepare for your VBAC? I just created a thread, VBAC prep, asking for any and all tips.<br><br>
I want to learn more about Bradley and Lamaze although I have already signed on for Lamaze. I have heard from my doula that Bradley focuses energy inward where Lamaze allows you to move and use energy. I may take a Bradley class also and go with what feels right. The more tools I can arm myself with the better.<br><br>
Good Luck and Keep in touch.<br><br>
-Iris
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
What else are you doing to prepare for your VBAC? I just created a thread, VBAC prep, asking for any and all tips.<br><br>
I want to learn more about Bradley and Lamaze although I have already signed on for Lamaze. I have heard from my doula that Bradley focuses energy inward where Lamaze allows you to move and use energy. I may take a Bradley class also and go with what feels right. The more tools I can arm myself with the better.<br><br>
-Iris[/QUOTE]<br><br>
Thanks for the input and stats! Wow..I didn't understand the difference between bradley and lamaze..I wonder which would be better?? I will definitely check your thread on vbac prep. What I have done is tons of reading and research...my biggest feat lately was finding a great provider!<br><br>
When are you due?
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>MommaCrystal</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/8976260"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Would he agree to meeting with a few doulas and having a conversation with them about his concerns?</div>
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He would be willing...that is a good idea. I think I should do that!
 

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I'm assuming - correct me if i'm wrong - that you did not have a doula for your first birth. And that, looking back on that experience, your husband's "coaching" was unsatisfactory and not as much/the right kind of support that you needed. And that you'd really like to have a doula this time around, because of that, among other reasons.<br><br>
I'm guessing that he feels badly about the way things turned out the first time, and takes your desire for a doula as implied criticism of his role at your first birth.<br><br>
What I'd emphasize to him is that no one knows what kind of birth they'll be handed, and that it's unrealistic to expect (most) partners, who are so emotionally invested in the process, to be able to offer the kind of support that a doula (who is not so emotionally invested) can.<br><br>
I'd stress that you want the doula to be there for *both* of you, that she can help him help you - after all, with a VBAC, it's like you are going into a first birth. A doula is going to have way more in her bag of tricks that a husband "coach" (must admit I dislike that term- birth isn't a football game) ever will. But she can pass those tricks right over to him when the time comes.<br><br>
I second Crystal's suggestion. Set up a meeting with a doula and just have a conversation.<br><br>
Bottom line though: I don't think this is a decision that's his to make.
 

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a good doula will address this with dad. There is a dona paper called dads and doulas. Might be a good read for him. Maybe you could make a list of things on a 3x5 card that he can do, or find a special job that is just for him. He could be in charge of your temperature (cool wash cloths, hot compresses) answering for you when nurses ask questions, feeding/drinking (reminding and offering), etc. I found it most helpful when dh just put a straw in front of my face after a contraction or a spoonful of applesause rather than asking any questions. Mostly he didnt' talk. That was wonderful.
 

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My DH was pretty anti-doula in the beginning, too. He really thought she would replace him. I probably didn't help by saying that it would make his role easier (when I first brought up the subject). He was really offended. He wanted to make damn clear that the doula was for me -- not for him. I came right back with the stats (similar as to cited above - they're not too hard to find).<br><br>
We met with 3 doulas. He didn't say hardly a word to the first 2 - and he's normally quite gregarious. It took him a while (weeks) to get used to the idea. By the time we interviewed the third, he was pretty much on board. Or, at least, not openly complaining. I think it helped that (1) I mentioned it (casually) around our friends that we had to go into the city that night, we were interviewing a doula. One (or more) of his friends asked DH what a doula was, was impressed that DH knew so much...Another thing that helped is that the 3rd doula had a LOT of experience. And I talked that up a lot before we even interviewed her. He heard me talk with her on the phone and ask her a ton of questions. And when I got off the phone, I said, "I think she's the one...she's done over 50 births, has done almost half of them at the hospital where I'm giving birth, she's worked with OBs from our practice, she said..." I just went on about her experience. (Which was a lot, considering that one of the previous doulas we interviewd had about 6 births. One doula had NO births in our area, as she had just moved here.) I made it sound like we had a real insider who would be working for us.<br><br>
He's not 100% with her, but after about 2 months of this, he's finally ok with the whole idea.<br><br><br>
Can you also point out that doulas will run out for some coffee for your DH - or take over so your DH can go get a snack or make phone calls? That she'll have lots of ideas for positions, etc for you, so that you don't have to remember it all when you are in labor/uncomfortable?<br><br>
Gotta go work on my "wish list" -- that is the term that is prefered by the nurses in my hospital, rather than "birth plan." Apparently some of the nurses get pissy when you come in with a plan. See, this is the type of insider information we're getting from a doula.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>kelly88belly</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/8976615"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">He would be willing...that is a good idea. I think I should do that!</div>
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Yeah, that's what we did (see above). By the third doula, he had come around. Either one of the first 2 would have been ok, but DH had to get used to the idea.
 

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Zinemama,<br><br>
As someone is a similar situation as Kelly88Belly, I think you are absolutely right. I didn't have a doula first time around and with both of us so emotionally invested we didn't have the strength of will to go against the doctor even though neither of us wanted a C-section or really thought it was necessary. After three days of labor, I was thinking, why is he (the doctor) in a rush... he's only been here an hour! Especially since the nurses were wondering the same thing, my daughter's heartrate was fine, the baby was fine, I was probably no worse off than anyone else in my situation but the C-section was certainly easier for the doctor. I finally convinced my husband that an outside source with a ton of experience and who knows our wishes is going to be a great help to both of us this time around.<br>
Plus I explained to him the risks of having multiple C-sections and since we want a lot of kids, it just makes sense for me to VBAC...<br><br>
Kelly88Belly, we have so much in common... we can do it!!!<br><br>
I am sorry, but what does the first D in DH DD stand for?<br><br>
Thanks,<br>
-Iris
 

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<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>MommaCrystal</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/8976260"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Would he agree to meeting with a few doulas and having a conversation with them about his concerns?</div>
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My dh thought the same thing. "I'll be there. We don't have to PAY someone to say, "Push! Good Job!"<br>
I asked him please to just be there while I interview someone. Then we can make a decision together. He agreed. He met her, and was so surprised by the amount of knowledge she had, and HER suggestions to how my last c-sec could have been PREVENTED (that thought never crossed his mind until then). THEN, he was totally on-board.<br>
I told her beforehand that he didn't like the idea, so I asked her to please point out how she will be there for HIM as well, and not to REPLACE him.<br><br>
She made all the difference in my labor, and the two of them worked together VERY well.<br><br>
Good luck!
 

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The D in DH or DD is Dear.<br>
Dear Husband, Dear Daughter, Dear Son.<br><br>
Sometimes the D in DH (in my posts) is more like D*mn husband.<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/winky.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Wink">
 

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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"> ..about the D in DH..that was funny.<br><br>
Okay- thank you everyone for your advice...I was kind of giving in to the no doula idea.....but I think I need to get a better strategy to convince my dh.<br><br>
Zinemama-oh my goodness do you know my husband personally? You hit the nail on the head. I never thought of it that way but knowing his personality I am POSITIVE that is exactly how he feels and thinks<br><br>
Asusan- great example of what I need to do! I am going to try to set something up with the doula I was wanting and maybe a few others.<br><br>
jenangelcat- great point! Even though I know my husband is 100% supportive, and doesn't trust OBs 100% either, I still know he does not fully understand how I feel or what exactly is at stake. He is a wonderful caring dh BUT it isn't the same for guys!<br><br>
mom2tillie- We have a ton in common! I want 4 or 5 kids also! Thanks for the encouragem,ent!<br><br>
Ms Ladybug- I guess men are all a like..they think the doula is there just to say..push! It is so silly! oh well, I am glad I have you girls to talk these things over with!
 

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You have gotten some really great advice here! I dont have much else to offer but you might bring to your dh that when labor gets long and hard he will be exhausted and you will still need him. A doula would be there to give him breaks to eat or walk or nap, whatever so that when you need him at the end during transition and pushing, the most intense parts of labor he will still be able to support you.<br>
A doula will also be there to support you while the baby is being born so dad can catch if he wants to and the doc will let him. A doula can take pictures, and if the baby needs to go to nursery the doula could stay with you while dad goes with baby.<br><br>
Anyways the point is that they are meant to work together as a part of YOUR birth team and once your dh sees it from that point of view and then learns how much the doula has been educated about birth I bet he wil change his mind! Good luck!<br>
Angela
 
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