[Mama2Kayla]

This has been going on since my dd was born over 5 years ago. When I met my dh we were both heavy drinkers. Of course that stopped for me when I became pregnant, but my dh had a much harder time with giving it up. He works in a restaraunt and is around servers who party hard and go out pretty much every night. We used to have lots of fights over his excessive drinking and staying out but over the years it happens less and less. He admits to having a drinking problem and it is obvious he cannot control himself around alcohol. Having just one doesn't cut it for him. He binge drinks and has blacked out and thrown up many times as a result. Not so much anymore, but if given the opportunity, he will get to that point easily. He has even done this at my parents house.<br><br>
So here we are 7 years later and he is still having problems. Every couple months he doesn't come home from work and he will go out and drink. He doesn't call me or answer his phone while this goes on and he usually stumbles in drunk several hours later totally oblivious to me or the kids. He works about 25 minutes away and drives home drunk every time this happens. To make matters worse, he has already had a DUI and will be in serious trouble if it happens again.<br><br>
He argues that it's not a problem b/c it only happens every few months(even though it occured more frequent in the past) and he is allowed to have a little fun. I have no problem with him going out, I just want him to call me and let me know where he is!! It is crazy that he can't even do that. I am pregnant and we have 2 other children. I am worried there will be an emergency one of these nights he decides to ignore me in favor of drinking. We always fight the night it happens and the next he apoligizes and admits to having a problem blah blah blah and that he knows its wrong. I am truly at a loss for what to do. I am so tired of being treated like crap and this has ruined my trust in him. I think he has a problem, but I am unsure about how to go about helping him since it is not an every day thing.

 

[Leersia]

It sounds as though the main problem is that your husband is an alcoholic, and the rest of his behavior can be explained by this. He admits that he has a problem, but apparently does not feel compelled to do anything about it, as you have yet to chuck him out of the house. I'm sorry mama <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">s , that is an awful position to be in. I'm sure that there are many women on this forum who have dealt with this and who can give you advice. You deserve a lot better than this . . .

 

[zippy_francis]

<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/hug2.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Hug2"> Hugs to you mama first. Second, not calling is not ok, ever. If you did it I am sure he would lose it.<br><br>
Sounds to me like he has a problem. Alcoholics always justify it away. 'Oh I only drink on weekends' 'It is only once in a while' ' I can hold down a job' etc, that doesnt make them healthy. But the truth is you will never convince someone they have a problem, it is only for them to realize. I had a dear friend who went through this. Her husband wouldnt call, wouldnt come home for hours, then days. We chased him around, she waited up for him. It never mattered. He never saw himself with an issue.<br><br>
I was say take care of you and your kids. Perhaps seek ALANON, find peers, see if you can get him to counseling.<br><br>
And the drinking and driving thing. Well that is so terrible beyond words, really. If he doesnt care for his own life, what about the innocent people he may injure?<br><br>
Truthfully, I am sickened that so many people can have DUI/DWI and still drive around. When they should be without a license/car and in JAIL!!!

 

[Linda on the move]

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>zippy_francis</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15433023"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I was say take care of you and your kids. Perhaps seek ALANON, find peers, see if you can get him to counseling.<br></div>
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agreed. This will most likely get worse before it gets better. Alcoholics tend to need to "bottom out" before they get serious about making a change.<br><br>
Losing their wife and kids is, sadly, one way they bottom out.

 

[Fuamami]

Eek! Around here, a second DUI = guaranteed prison time. Do you work? Are you worried about supporting the family if he was unable to work? I guess he hasn't thought about this, or if he does he tries to deny that it might happen.<br><br>
If I were you, I'd issue an ultimatum. If it's only every couple of months, could you deal with it if he guaranteed he wouldn't drive?<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">

 

[La Sombra]

I agree that you need to do SOMETHING!--that you owe it to yourself and to your children to do something!<br><br>
I agree also, without a doubt, that your dh is an alcoholic!<br><br>
I was married to an alcoholic for years. Sometimes he, too, would admit that he had a problem--usually after his drinking led to a problem. For instance, once he got really super drunk at my parents house and picked this STUPID fight with me and I was so upset and he admitted (when he was drunk!) that he had a problem. But the next day he opened up a beer and was annoyed at my reminding him that he'd already admitted that he had a problem. Or we'd have a party and he'd get wasted and black out on the living room floor while we still had guests outside. He'd say sorry and that he needed to "cut back" on his drinking (don't ever believe it when an alcoholic promises you that!) but it never really happened!<br><br>
I think the most important first step is for you to get help first for YOU. Get into therapy or go to ALANON meetings or at least start reading some of their literature. The reason you should do this is that once you start getting help and support for yourself, you are going to be amazed at the strength and clarity that you feel.<br><br>
When you feel that strength and clarity, you will know what to do next. For every person it's different, although ultimately I'd guess that it's very difficult for a person to remain married to an alcoholic who isn't getting help for him/herself.<br><br>
But don't worry about that now! For now, take the first step and start getting help and support and guidance for yourself--you need it and you deserve it! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">

 

[Mama2Kayla]

Thank you everyone for the support. When he finally came home last night, he said he only had a beer while out, but he stumbled a few times, so I'm pretty sure it was more than that. He also swears the reason he didn't answer his phone was because he left it at work, so I shouldn't be mad at him. I explained that if he was telling the truth, last night would have been the first night in our history together he called me to let me know before going out. Needless to say, I was a little doubtful about it all. He could have figured out a way to call from the bar!<br><br>
When not planning one of his drinking stunts, he always calls me before he leaves work, so when I don't get that call, I immediately begin to worry. I hate that he has made me feel this way and he puts it on me like I am the one with the problem. If I didn't make such a big deal about things, we would be fine. I just can't trust him and it sucks. He did this on my birthday and mother's day one year which hurts beyond words. It usually correlates with a busy day at work and since he works in a restaurant, holidays are the worst.<br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Fuamami</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15433423"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Eek! Around here, a second DUI = guaranteed prison time. Do you work? Are you worried about supporting the family if he was unable to work? I guess he hasn't thought about this, or if he does he tries to deny that it might happen.<br><br>
If I were you, I'd issue an ultimatum. If it's only every couple of months, could you deal with it if he guaranteed he wouldn't drive?<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"></div>
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This is my biggest concern. It is the same around here... he will go to jail for 30 days if he receives another DUI. He is our only source of income, I go to school and stay home with the kids. If another DUI happens, he will be throwing our life away, not to mention losing his job. It is this fear that gets me so upset, and it seems no matter how many times I talk to him, it won't sink in because a few months later he does it all over again. He will do exactly what you mention and deny a DUI happening again, refusing to believe he is drunk enough. It is like some weird pattern he follows and I have been thru it so many times I have the routine memorized.<br><br>
I have threatened to leave many times, but honestly, I have nowhere to go. I also don't want to break up our family over this because I know he isn't doing it maliciously but just because he has a problem. His mother warned me in the past to watch out for him and the drinking. His father was an abusive alcoholic and she said both him and his brother have his drinking tendencies. Dh has never hit me thank god, but I wonder sometimes if it will eventually happen. There is a first time for everything, yk. Right now we are young and have small kids(he is a wonderful father), so we are busy with not a lot of free time. I worry about the future and him being able to indulge in his vices more and how that will affect us, because like some of you have said, things like this usually only get worse.<br>
I also hesitate because it is not an everyday thing, so sometimes I feel like maybe he is right, and it's all in my head.<br><br>
Sorry for the novel, but thanks for letting me get these thougts out.

 

[GuildJenn]

If he's risking being put in jail and losing your family's sole income, then he's not really being a wonderful father.<br><br>
If he prioritizes alcohol over the law, over your peace of mind, and over your agreements...then there's a <i>reason</i> you don't trust him. You've learned that the binge is more important than you, in a sense.<br><br>
I recommend al-anon. I don't know what you're doing for school but I myself would also work on getting to where I could support myself and my kids.

 

[Maiasaura]

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Leersia</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15433018"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">It sounds as though the main problem is that your husband is an alcoholic, and the rest of his behavior can be explained by this.</div>
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This.<br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>zippy_francis</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15433023"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I was say take care of you and your kids. Perhaps seek ALANON, find peers, see if you can get him to counseling.</div>
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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/yeahthat.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="yeah that"><br><br>
I am an alcoholic. I have been sober for over 15 years now, but I can tell you from the inside that what everybody else posted so far about alkies is true. Every word. For the record, I am still, and always will be, vulnerable to alcohol and drugs. I have to stay absolutely and totally abstinent, and still go to meetings to remind myself how vulnerable I will always be, because my "forgetter" works real well.<br><br>
Unfortunately, the stats are grim for alkies. He honestly believes everything he says to you, but he also knows in his heart that you are right. You are not imagining anything. But also, nothing, not a thing you say will help. Ever. He will continue his behavior. And unless he comes to the realization that he needs help, and is WILLING (key word) to get help, it will, <i>guaranteed,</i> get worse. I am sorry to be the bearer of bad news. You probably, in your heart, know this, though.<br><br>
What you need to do is this: go to Alanon. Get help for yourself. Make contingency plans. You may need them. I hope you do not. I hope with all my heart that your honey gets help and starts the road to getting and staying sober. I really do. I know just how heartbreaking our (alkies) behavior can be, and how frustrating.<br>
Know this: NONE of this is your fault. None of it. You are blameless. He has a disease and he can't help it, honestly. It is cunning, baffling, and powerful. Without help it is too much for him. He has to be willing. I wish you all the best.<br><br>
Also I am way open about my own disease, and what it was like for me, what happened, and what getting sober is/was like for me now. I am happy to answer anything you (or he) want to know.<br><br>
In the meanwhile-- maybe you can get one of his buddies to take his keys and drive him home/get him a cab? Srsly, though, maybe a DUI might be his wake-up call. Mine was the proverbial broken shoelace. You never know what will be the catalyst.<br><br>
Huge hugs, mama <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/hug2.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Hug2">

 

[TinkerBelle]

He may not be actually plotting and planning this behavior to be mean, but it goes beyond, "oh he just has a problem."<br><br>
The DUI charge itself is not the only concern here. What if he kills an innocent person or wipes out an entire family while drunk? Or renders another person totally disabled? You are not only talking prison time, but your entire financial life will come crashing down around your feet. I don't mean to scare you, but I have seen this many times in the news and even with people I know, on one end of it or another. It does not matter that he does not do this every single day. All it will take is ONE time, for him to destroy another person's life, as well as lose his freedom and destroy his family.<br><br>
If I were you, I would start getting my ducks in a row. Be prepared for the worst, but hope for the best. That may mean you will have to support the family, or get help from the govt for awhile. But first of all, join Al-Anon and get some support there. You must realize that he is NOT right. Not at all.<br><br>
Hugs to you.

 

[earthmama369]

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Mama2Kayla</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15432990"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">He argues that it's not a problem b/c it only happens every few months (even though it occured more frequent in the past) and he is allowed to have a little fun.</div>
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He does NOT have the right to risk your family's financial security.<br><br>
He does NOT have the right to break the law.<br><br>
He does NOT have the right to risk MY life and the lives of my CHILDREN by driving drunk.<br><br>
This kind of rationalization tells me that he is an addict and he has a real problem. He's not going to change without consequences, whether they come from you or from a judge or from a headlong crash into a tree one night. This is NOT your fault. But you need to protect yourself and your family because right now he is incapable of doing so. He is incapable of putting you first. He should be capable, and it's not fair, but that's where he's at right now. And if at all possible, you need to try to protect those innocent people sharing the road with him, by calling the police when you think he may be driving drunk. It's harsh, and it's a risk to your own financial security, but this could be someone's life.<br><br>
I've done this dance with family members, and dh and I have called the police when we knew someone close to us was out driving drunk. And they did go to jail. It sucked. But it was necessary. And it changed their life for the better -- they got the treatment and the wake-up call they needed, in a safe way that didn't put other people at risk.

 

[Mama2Kayla]

It helps so much to hear that I am not crazy for feeling this way. You have all given me so much to think about and it really is already making me feel stronger.<br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
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<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">In the meanwhile-- maybe you can get one of his buddies to take his keys and drive him home/get him a cab?</td>
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I would love to do that, but when he goes out like this, he is by himself. I am sure he knows the employees at the bar/restaurant he is at, but I have no idea who they are.<br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
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<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">If I were you, I'd issue an ultimatum. If it's only every couple of months, could you deal with it if he guaranteed he wouldn't drive?</td>
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I have tried this, but he doesn't follow through with his end of the deal. When it comes to his drinking, he lies. I have told him all I want is for him to call me and let me know where he is, what time he will be home...or maybe give me a little advanced warning before he goes to wrk, just to let me know he has plans that evening. He is incapable of doing something as simple as this, and instead chooses to avoid me saying it is my fault b/c he knows I will yell at him (WTF!!!)<br>
I honestly don't think he ever has the intention of going out that is why he can't tell me before hand. He just gets this bug up his butt and randomly chooses to do what he wants for a few hours and tune everyone else out. His drinking becomes the only thing that is important at the moment, everything else can wait. I have called his phone over and over again trying to reach him... eventually he turns it off so I can't call anymore <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad">

 

[provocativa]

selfishness is a hallmark of the alcoholic- whether an intermittent binger like your h or an every other day, not to the point of blackout like my h and father.<br><br>
i agree with those who say get ready to leave him. find out about welfare and other assistance. you can always get back together with him if he changes.

 

[~Charlie's~Angel~]

If you issued an ultimatum, then you didnt follow through on your end of the deal either. Becauase if you had, he would be out on his kiester, or hopefully going to AA meetings and getting help.<br><br>
Do it again, and this time, stick to it. Ever watch Intervention? Yea, you tell them its this way or the highway. Get help, or your OUT. PERIOD. I know thats easier said then done, but with problems like these, you have to start somewhere, because what your doing isnt working for you.<br><br>
And FWIW, I would be filing a legal seperation so that when he DOES kill someone or render them disabled, it wont fall on your head as well. Or conscience.<br><br>
Sorry if I seem harsh, but his behavior strikes a major nerve for me. Like a PP said, how dare he risk my life and my childrens lives knowingly.

 

[MissLotus]

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Mama2Kayla</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15433918"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;"><br>
I have tried this, but he doesn't follow through with his end of the deal.(</div>
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He doesn't follow through because so far <i>you</i> have never follow through with the ultimatum. His actions are extremely selfish and putting his family in such jeopardy are not the actions of a loving father.<br><br>
As far as getting another DUI, it's not him getting in trouble that I worry about, it's the innocent people on the road. I hope he DOES get in trouble before he ends up killing someone. My best friend's high school sweetheart was killed by a drunk driver. So, so horrible. And needless. There are no excuses good enough. This is what your husband is risking with his selfishness, as well as your own family's well-being.<br><br>
His behavior is not going to get better on its own. Are you ready to live this way for the rest of your life?<br><br><br>
Edited to add: At some point your kids are going to realize what's going on (if they don't already), and Dad going out on drunken binges and driving drunk is probably not the example you want set for them, so that's something else to be serious about.

 

[Purple*Lotus]

I am so sorry you are going through this <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> I hope that he is able to get help for his drinking and I agree that maybe you should seek help for some support for yourself <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">

 

[artgoddess]

This would be a deal breaker for me. And that would mean moving in with my parents and DUUUUDE that would be pure hell. My DP drinks too much as well. He has a day job and easily knocks back more than a 6 pack every night after work. he used to drink and drive, in fact back when the laws were more lax in the 80's he had more than one DUI conviction. When we met I was the bartender at the bar his best friend owned. So there is a long history with his drinking as well. But if he ever put his life, our lives (meaning he could die and leave his kids fatherless) or the lives of others at risk by driving in that condition again I'd walk.<br><br>
He doesn't go out much at all anymore. Not even once a year. But he knows, take a cab or crash at someone else's house. Do not drive drunk. Now we are big callers. We don't call each other at all when he's a work. We don't call each other if one of us is out, unless we're going to get home later than expected. So I may go to sleep not knowing if DP is going to be home (on the rare occasion he's out) But you can bet if he's not he called and left me a message letting me know. That was another battle we had years ago before we even had kids. I'm not your mother, I'm not a nag it's just common courtesy to not leave me to wake up at 7 am worried you might be dead or something.

 

[Dandelionkid]

You are not crazy and you need to come to the point where the lies he is telling himself and you don't confuse you and make you think it is all in your head. So I second starting Al-Anon so you can gain sanity and strength to live in the truth of your situation.<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">

 

[eclipse]

You are not crazy. I'm so thankful that my husband almost never drinks (growing up with an alchoholic father did something good for him, I guess, since he doesn't want his kids to feel about him the way he felt about his dad). If he ever did the drinking and driving thing, though, I'm with artgoddess - it would be a deal breaker, even if it meant moving in to the two bedroom house my mom shares with my sister and niece and a big dog and a small dog and 5 or so cats (which my youngest is allergic to). So, yeah, hell. Which shows how strongly I feel about it. Your husband is clearly an alchoholic and not thinking clearly. I'm sure you love him, and he probably loves you and your kids, but he's not in control of himself. I know it's hard, but you need to protect yourself and your kids. Start thinking about your options. Even if you choose not to leave him, the day may come that you need to figure out how to support yourself and your kids alone, because he could very well end up dead or in prison. So start planning. Squirrel away money when you can. Start feeling out friends and family to find out how willing they will be to help you if the time comes that you need their help. I know I would open my home to any of my friends and their kids if they were in a situation like yours, and I bet you know someone who would do the same for you. If you don't have a lot of close contact with people outside your family (which sometimes happens not only with wives of alchoholic, but SAHMs in general), you should start cultivating friendships, find people you can trust that care about you and can help support you, even if only emotionally. Think about what you want for your family and how to get it, with or without your husband. I know you're in school and staying home with the kids, but I think you should start looking at options for earning money, either at home or outside the home.

 

[lookatreestar]

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>GuildJenn</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15433761"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">If he's risking being put in jail and losing your family's sole income, then he's not really being a wonderful father.<br><br>
If he prioritizes alcohol over the law, over your peace of mind, and over your agreements...then there's a <i>reason</i> you don't trust him. You've learned that the binge is more important than you, in a sense.<br><br><b>I recommend al-anon. I don't know what you're doing for school but I myself would also work on getting to where I could support myself and my kids</b>.</div>
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yup. think worst case scenario and prepare yourself!!!!