Husband issues, WWYD? - updated

580 Views 5 Replies 6 Participants Last post by anabellee, Apr 16, 2009

tracymom1

Discussion Starter · Apr 15, 2009

My husband and I have been having some marital issues lately. We have kind of separated, in the sense that he has moved into the upstairs bedroom and we are just not speaking anymore. The issues we have started well over a year ago and we have been trying to work on things (with and without a therapist) and it just does not seem like anything is changing. In fact, its getting worse.

My question is this...without a spouse as a support during labor, would you go ahead with the home birth as planned? I know he will want to be present for the birth, but at this point I know I cannot count on him to provide proper support and comfort during the process. I really don't have anyone else who could fill that role - almost everyone I know thinks home birth (especially HBAC) is a risky, very bad idea and tells me so all the time. Those friends who I think could be supportive have small children of their own and I could not ask them to give up so much unplanned time for me.

I have been shadowing care with a group of hospital-based midwives because of my complicated pregnancy history. I wanted to have a relationship with a hospital practice just in case of a problem. I could just deliver with them, but there are a LOT of "rules" at the hospital for a VBAC that I am not comfortable with which is why I planned on the home birth (which is not easy to obtain in my state - I have a DEM who is under the radar).

I just don't know what to do here. I trust my body and I believe that whatever situation I am in, I will have a healthy and beautiful birth. I know that I want my son (who will be 22 months when I give birth) to be a part of the experience as much as possible. I can't imagine leaving him for 2 or more days. But I just don't know how realistic it is to have just my midwife as my only support. I have tried to find a doula, but everyone that has come recommended is already booked for my due date month.

Any advice, homebirthers?

I spoke to DH tonight and we seemed to have worked out a lot. He is totally on board for the home birth and wants to do everything he can to play a positive role in the experience. 3 months is a long time to get through so hopefully we can make it peacefully...

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TzippityDoulah

· #2 · Apr 15, 2009

sorry to hear about the marital problems. so difficult to birthin with peace in those situations. I say if you can you need to be honest with your husband about how yu are feeling, even if you are not on good terms. just so it's understood.

secondly I would again look for a doula. there HAS TO BE someone in your area that isn't booked up. there are so many doulas, they just might need to come from word fo mouth instead of websites and the like. have you tried your local tribe to find anyone? if not i would call the doulas who are booked and ask for referrals...

that's my best advice...

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fruitfulmomma

· #3 · Apr 15, 2009

Quote:

My question is this...without a spouse as a support during labor, would you go ahead with the home birth as planned?

Well, my husband is really supportive but I have thought about it, like if he couldn't be there for some reason, and yes I would still birth at home. I've had two unplanned hospital births and they were great but part of the reason was because I had him there to help me dodge the issues that come up with hospital birth. I think if I had to be alone for a birth, I would much rather be in my home, my private place where I don't need to conform to the wants/desires of anyone else and don't have the added stress of having to fight for what I want.

I am wondering if you think your husband would be hostile toward the situation, or just uninvolved?

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cristeen

· #4 · Apr 16, 2009

I would absolutely do it. I would also have a heart-to-heart talk with your husband about what role he wants to take in the birth. He may surprise you (or he may not). And I would definitely keep looking for a doula - even one that is still in training. Ask all the ones that are busy for referrals - ask your midwife for referrals, you can even call local CNM practices and ask them for referrals.

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boogieboo

· #5 · Apr 16, 2009

I could only imagine going forward with your planned homebirth. Is your midwife aware of what is going on in your relationship? Would she be able to provide you with the needed support? If not, I would keep on the lookout for a doula that may be available. Otherwise, I would keep trying to find a neighbor/friend/family member, anyone who could commit to being at your side. Even people who could maybe trade off or take shifts if a long labor ensues. This is so important, I can't believe someone wouldn't take the time to come to your side at the hour of need. Really? Time away from the kids just sometime is needed.

Especially to help you at such a momentous event. Really, the time committment isn't all that burdensome, is it?? It would seem hard to not have your partner there for the birth, yet if you aren't getting along, how much comfort would you gain from him? This is regardless if you were at home or in the hospital. I really, really hope for your sake you will find someone. Stay comitted to yourself and your babe! You know what you need to do.

Can you check in your tribal area for a mothering volunteer? A mama may step up and love to assist you. Perhaps a midwife who is apprenticing? Again, ask your midwife. It's best to build a close relationship since it's such a personal time.

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anabellee

· #6 · Apr 16, 2009

my dh isn't helpful at all during labor so I pretty much do it alone anyway. we're still having a hb. I'm just more comfortable at home and I'd rather be on my own here than in the hospi. with ds1, dh was texting people on his online game. with ds2 he was sleeping and playing his online game.

fwiw, he's just uncomfortable around the pain and body fluids. he's come very close to passing out at each birth and generally has to be tended to by someone *sigh*

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