[McGucks]

<p>Any suggestions on how I should address this with my husband?  Nothing physical happened (no, he is not abusive--he has never hit me or anything close to it, and yes, I know what the difference is between verbal abuse and just yelling--this is not verbal abuse), but our baby was in the room when he lost his temper.  He slammed his hand down on the table, food went everywhere, and he was yelling.  We have had challenges in our relationship in the past and worked through them, but how can he communicate with our 8.5 month old about this?  This did happen quite a bit during the pregnancy and several times since, and I do worry about how this may impact our son.  My husband is overall a good, gentle, and patient man, but when he's upset, look out.  It is scary and I don't want our son, who seems to have husband's temperament, to learn that this is an okay way to behave or take out anger.  Any suggestions would be appreciated.  note:  I am not seeking marriage advice--really only looking for how to mitigate the impact of this kind of thing on our child.  Thank you.</p>

 

[lifeguard]

<p>I feel that it is more important for children to learn how to deal with their anger constructively & what to do when they aren't able to. Sooooo many of us are taught to suppress our anger at all times & I don't think that is healthy. People get upset, sometimes VERY upset & none of us are perfect. But modelling a desire to actively improve how we deal with our own anger, apologizing & making right any inappropriate things we've said/done while angry & demonstrating how to negotiate a disagreement.</p>
<p> </p>

 

[CherryBombMama]

<p>my dh and i frequently argue infront of our ds. he gets pretty loud, i end up crying, and we usually both apologize. i want my ds to SEE the apology,because i never saw that from my parents. i always wondered why they would explode with each other, and then how did they go from there to happily eating dinner. if my ds seems scared, i usually hold him, put the tv on (to give a minor distraction, he doesnt need to be hanging on every word we say) and give him cuddles. we usually give a family hug after the big blow up.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>can you set the example? when i preach to my dh how i woud like things done, it never works. maybe tell your baby "mama is sorry that things got out of hand. im sure dada is sorry, too." then move on? will your dh pick up on that and eventually do it, too? i know my dh would, and he has.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>thats what i would do, anyways </p>

 

[Marsupialmom]

<p>I think it is healthy for children to see a wide range of emotions.  Your son is entering into a world were he will be expected to be strong and suck it up. He will be told not to cry...he is suppose to suck up fear, anger, sadness, never be to happy.  No tears of joy or sorrow.  </p>
<p> </p>
<p>I think it is better for your son to see the emotions and learning how to deal with them.  How to say I am sorry that I hurt your feelings/blew up. I think your child seeing your dh apologizing and talking it out is more reasonable than expecting your dh never to be angry and always to behave perfectly.  Nobody can be this way.  </p>
<p> </p>
<p>There will be a day you will loose your temper.  </p>
<p> </p>
<p>I think next time my dh did this I would say, "You are angry, why don't you go for a walk." or "Your very angry, why don't I take the baby while you cool off."  </p>
<p> </p>
<p>This article is for kids but I think it could help you. </p>
<p><a href="http://kidshealth.org/teen/your_mind/emotions/deal_with_anger.html#" target="_blank">http://kidshealth.org/teen/your_mind/emotions/deal_with_anger.html#</a></p>
<p> </p>
<p>Your dh might need help understanding what and why he is angry.  Often when this stuff happens it is other things that trigger the blow up.  Helping your dh find these triggers and dealing with them might help him cope. </p>
<p> </p>
<p><a href="http://life.familyeducation.com/boys/emotions/55298.html" target="_blank">http://life.familyeducation.com/boys/emotions/55298.html</a></p>

 

[lunarlady]

Anger can be a scary emotion for both kids and adults because we are taught from a young age that anger is not polite or acceptable. Therefore we see expressing anger as a loss of control, which is scary because we don't know what will happen next.<br><br>
To help remove the fear, it helps to know what ways are acceptable to express anger in your family, and what are not. It also helps to name the emotion for kids. So maybe yelling and pounding on the table, pillow, or couch are okay, but hitting, hurtful names, or breaking things are not allowed. When somebody blows up, explain it to your child "daddy's angry because of XYZ. That's why he yelled/hit the table.". If you or the child are a little scared, it is okay to say that too. "that loud noise startled me, and I feel sad/mad/upset when daddy gets so angry. How do you feel?"<br><br>
This approach only works if it really is okay, and would be alright with you if your child expressed their anger that way. Finding a safe outlet for anger is really important for everyone.<br><br>
Good luck!

 

[prothyraia]

<p>I come from a yelly family, and tend that way myself.  My husband doesn't, really, but I think I may have rubbed off on him. I'm not sure what you can do about it for an infant- my kids (2 and 4) have grown up around occasional yelling and don't seem particularly fazed by it.  My four year old will tell us "Don't talk like that" when we get loud (or even just tense) with one another, and we respect him and tone it down.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The one thing that jumped out at me is that you said you don't want your son to think that your husband's behavior is okay.  Does your husband think it's okay? (I'm assuming you don't).  That's something the two of you need to settle between yourselves.  I'm someone who expresses strong emotion, positive or negative, in loud and physical ways.  For the most part, I don't mind my children doing so as well, and I'd have a hard time with the idea that I need to prevent them from following in my loud, exuberant, and belligerent footsteps.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Regardless, I think the most important thing is just honest, authentic, modeling.  If your husband's displays of anger upset or scare you, say so (to him and to your child).  If he thinks his behavior was inappropriate, or sees that it frightens his son, he should apologize.  If either if you notice that your son is upset by what's going on, try to stop and check in with him to reassure him that everything's alright.  If you or your husband are altering your behavior in order to try and respect others, narrate that: "I am REALLY REALLY ANGRY and I'm going to go sit by myself!!!!"  Let them see the internal process (as much as you can) of being angry, controlling or losing control of that anger, and reconnecting.</p>

 

[Wild Lupine]

<br><br><div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>caedenmomma</strong> <a href="/community/forum/thread/1285004/husband-lost-temper-in-front-of-baby#post_16110194"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a><br><br><p>Any suggestions on how I should address this with my husband?  Nothing physical happened (no, he is not abusive--he has never hit me or anything close to it, and yes, I know what the difference is between verbal abuse and just yelling--this is not verbal abuse), but our baby was in the room when he lost his temper.  He slammed his hand down on the table, food went everywhere, and he was yelling.  We have had challenges in our relationship in the past and worked through them, but how can he communicate with our 8.5 month old about this?  This did happen quite a bit during the pregnancy and several times since, and I do worry about how this may impact our son.  <strong>My husband is overall a good, gentle, and patient man, but when he's upset, look out.  It is scary</strong> and I don't want our son, who seems to have husband's temperament, to learn that this is an okay way to behave or take out anger.  Any suggestions would be appreciated.  note:  I am not seeking marriage advice--really only looking for how to mitigate the impact of this kind of thing on our child.  Thank you.</p>
</div>
</div>
<p><br>
This isn't what you asked, but it just makes me wonder, does he have healthy ways of expressing anger and this was a rare blow-up, or does he have difficulty with anger? The reason I ask is that your son is 8 months old. In the next two or three years he could very well be testing your husband's patience more than anything has before. Two and three year olds can push buttons like nobody's business and even the the most emotionally mature can find their tempers challenged by their toddlers.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>As a one time event, what you described is probably not going to impact your son, especially if your son sees both of you expressing anger differently at other times and making amends when you've acted inappropriately. But if you think your husband has anger issues, even if he is also kind and loving and would never, ever want to hurt anyone in any way, you could ask him to learn some anger management skills before your son reaches toddler age.</p>

 

[K1329]

<p>I agree with the pps - it's healthy for children to see and learn to deal with a wide range of emotions. My kids have seen it all - the good, the bad, and the ugly, lol. I realize your ds is too little, and, of course, it's unacceptable for dh to scare him, or something along those lines, but, as he matures he will be exposed to displays of anger. If not in the home, then in a store, school, etc. As soon as they were old enough - even pre-verbal - I've talked to my kids about feelings - happy, sad, scared, angry, frustrated, etc. and tried my best to give them the tools to deal with negative emotions. For dd, who at 3 went through a phase of hitting when she was frustrated, I advised her to stomp her foot, or something similar, to express her anger, rather than hit another person, which obviously is unacceptable - that type of thing. Now that my children are older, it's easier to have these conversations.  </p>
<p>In the meantime, can you discuss emotions and how you want to deal with them in your family with dh? Maybe he could walk into another room until he calms down, or, something along those lines. But, I just mainly wanted to post and say that we all are raising children in the real world. I seriously doubt there's a family on the planet where one parent or another hasn't "lost it" at one point or another! Sometimes, for me, using my own poor response, or, my own inappropriate behavior opens up an opportunity to talk about better ways to deal with emotions and making mistakes, etc. Good luck! It's really tough to find a healthy balance when genuinely expressing our emotions to our children.</p>
<p>I'll be interested to read what others say, too!</p>

 

[cappuccinosmom]

<p>If this was a constant thing, I'd say you have a problem.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>If it is a rare occurrence, I'd say there may be something you can do in the moment but it's not going to scar your kid for life to see daddy having angry emotions sometimes.  We all do.  You might one day surprise yourself and have angry emotions with your kid around too.     That won't make you a bad mom any more than it makes him a bad dad.  And right at this moment, the person probably most uncomfortable with the intense emotions is you, rather than the baby. </p>

 

[wombatclay]

<p>Since this is more about the "adult" side of the situation and talking with your partner about parenting, I'm moving the thread to the Parents as Partners forum.  You might want to start a new thread focused on how children respond to adult anger, or how to explain adult emotional outbursts to your child.</p>