[Emilie]

i post here from time to time... i have a interesting marriage....

I feel as if I am a bad wife due to the way I feel that my husband treats me and our children.
I worry how his depression and lack of addressing it affects my life and especially my childrens lives as well as his own life. i get mad at him because of the way he treats us- but i guess that i shouldnt....it is my fault.

here is an example of a conversation we had tonight.,
this evening he had some ice cream and sat with me in LR( very rare) ....but the whole time he just complained at me about picking up the toys and dd was eating off the floor( she was eating a snack and had set it on the floor then ate it again- ok in my book)
i said please quit badgering me- can we just pleasehave a casual conversation?

he said fine if you dont want me to sit with you i wont.... so if i want to spend time with him- it seems as if i should not beable to express my needs or feelings- but it is ok for him to?

and then he went back downstairs....\

i am so lonely and discouraged with my marriage. he rarely hangs out with us- then when he does i just hate it.....it is a emilie bash-

i wish he would either go with me to counseling or get out sometimes.

does anyone have similar experiences to share? do you feel your husband does not love you or like you? i do..... it makes me very sad....

 

[Tupelo Honey]

It sounds like he could be depressed. Does he sleep that much?

 

[Threefold]

I'm sorry. We've been through our share of rough patches, and you are right, counseling helped us very much. However, there was one period when I went alone, and even though I was focusing on our marriage and my part in it, it helped me every bit as much as the times we went together.
I'm sorry, having been through some desolate times, I know how bereft it makes you feel, especially as you are trying to parent.

 

[mommy68]

I agree that you should be able to talk to him. If you can't talk to one another and communicate then what is there to your relationship??

I would urge him to sit down and talk to me or to seek help, possibly medication or just counseling. Whether he gets help or not you don't deserve this type of treatment. You have to put yourself first in any situation and if you aren't happy then start thinking about what you want for your future.

 

[Red]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Emilie . i get mad at him because of the way he treats us- but i guess that i shouldnt....it is my fault. ....

That's what jumped out at me. He's so negative, you're starting to believe what he tells you! It's NOT your fault if he treats you badly. True, you are allowing it to conitinue by not putting an end to it, but he's responsible for the behavior.

I'd go to counseling alone. Don't even invite him. Just go, and when he asks where you were, tell him. "Counseling. I feel so bad all the time, we never just have a nice converstaion or spend any fun time together and I want to learn how to make it better."

I'm assuming you HAD a better relationship before you were married? That you talked and enjoyed each other?

It always helps me to keep in mind, when I'm feeling low and allowing myself to be misreated (Not by my dh, he's a sweetie, but my x was awful) that I'm setting an example for my kids. THIS is what they'll learn to accept, or how they'll treat their wife-to-be. (Or dh to be!)

Besdies counseling, I'd also try the following: Wait til the kids are sleeping, or you're alone with dh for a period of time when you won't be interupted. Go to HIM, wherever he's sitting, and ask if the two of you could please have a serious talk. Make sure the tv and radio are off, sit facing him, so you have to make some eye contact. Tell him how YOU FEEL. Don't say, 'when you do this, I feel...' But 'I feel sad that WE don't spend as much time together anymore, and that when we are together, we rarely have a good time. Remember when (bring up some times from before, when things were good, how you used to be laughing and joking together, etc). I really miss those times and want to try to have more.'

Ok, so hopefully, he agrees.

Then, tell him you'd like to make a date. Tomorrow night from 9 to 11, or some other clearly set out time, when the kids aren't going to interupt and with a beginning and an end. It's less overwhelming. Impress upon him that this time will be for fun and good talking only. Promise him you won't (do you do something that bugs him? Like maybe bring up the ocndition of the lawn too often, or complain he doesn't spend enough time with your dd? Try to think of something so it seems like your BOTH working on something. )

When the time starts, if he says the room isn't clean or whatever, gently remind him that for RIGHT NOW, you are only talking about fun stuff, nothing negative. Everytime he veers, try to guide him back. Think 'GD for DH'.

Don't lose your cool or say anythign about 'badgering', just say how this is a fun date time, no negative stuff for EITHER OF US.

I think it's important that he views this as a mutual thing, not his irritating behavior that you wish to change.

Now I'll tell you a secret. No squealing!

My dh has NO idea when I do these things to him. He falls for the whole, 'we're working on our marriage together' thing every time. I rarely have to get mad anymore, just have this incredibly rational discussion with him. And about 9 times out of 10, I only have to start the process and he finishes it himslef, comes back and tells ME that he needs to do x, y and z! It's taken 20 years, but he's nearly perfect now. Don't tell, people will say I'm manipulative and scheming. I'm also happy and so's he, so I don't care!

You didn't really ask for advice, so I hope you don't mind that I doled it out anyway. If it's not comfortable for you, discard it and move on!

Good luck to you.

 

[Emilie]

good ideas red- thanks!!!!!! i will try tonihght!

 

[oregongirlie]

Depending on how bad it is, this works for me -- maybe it could work in your situation. Did you attempt to disagree with him before asking him to stop badgering you? If my husband has a complaint, I either agree or disagree before asking him not to complain anymore. "I have no problem picking up the toys, don't worry about it." "The floor's clean enough for her to eat off of, but if it really bothers you, maybe you could teach her how to use the table." Or "...you could get her a plate." "Yeah, I guess I don't need to pick up the toys." "Yeah, that's pretty gross, huh? Good thing we're big enough not to eat off the floor. Maybe you could help her out." "Yeah, I should have picked up the toys earlier so we could enjoy our time together." "Let me get her a plate, can I get you anything, sweetie?" (Those last ones might have him in the palm of your hand, even though some people would rather die before saying something like that.)

When people complain, I try to put it back on them if they're wrong, ask for help if I can't keep up with their expectations, or agree if they're right. It tends to help keep the conversation away from a personal "You're bugging me." track.

It's okay to kiss your husband's butt now and then and to right out disagree with no further action sometimes.

 

[gnutter]

I agreew ith everyone who has suggested going to counseling on your own. KNowing that you are approaching a situation in a healthy way gives you confidence in handling situations in your marriage. It may also help you approach your husband in ways that help him too-Even though he has isolated himself from your family he still must feel pretty lonely which in turn makes him angry, which in turn makes him be mean, so he isolates himself more and feels more lonely--and round and round it goes.

:

 

[Emilie]

nak- sorry for typos
I know. i feel very attacked by him. All the time. Some of this stems from my issues- some of it is because he is attacking me all the time. I can not think of a 30 minute span time we are together that he does not criticize me, taskmaster me or in general hurt me.....

i feel i have no where to turn. he gets mad if i say nothing- he makes his lack of interest in time with me all my fault.....

today i told him i had not been taking my meds properly and i felt bad- he took this honesty of mine to be a perfect time for a 10 minute attack on me. when i asked him to lower his voice- or to please calm down he just got louder.

he pointed out that wqhen i am grumpy it affects them. i pointed out that he just goes downstairs- he said well- that is better than what you do- i said- i am sorry- that is not an option i have....

i just dont know. it sucks tHAT MY HUSBAND IS THE LAST PERSON I WANT TO BE AROUND.

 

[Emilie]

I AM IN COUNSELING BTW the therapist is great..... i havbe a hard time with it to- especially since i have no one to come back to ya know.... dh says to suck it up and move on.....hahaha. hows that working for him?

 

[me&3]

I know what it's like to have a critical spouse. No advice - just a hug.

 

[Emilie]

thanks mamas btw.

 

[Threefold]

How's it going tonight?

 

[volcaniclava]

im the critical spouse, but I know it and I often try to explain that Im not TRYING to make everything his fault, it just hes the only one there to blame, when mostly its life/reality blah blah blah. im just saying its not ok, but its probably not something hes doing intentionally.

 

[mommy68]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Red He's so negative, you're starting to believe what he tells you! It's NOT your fault if he treats you badly. True, you are allowing it to conitinue by not putting an end to it, but he's responsible for the behavior.

I agree. He is responsible for the way he treats you. No matter what you do to provoke his bad behavior HE is the one who ultimately decides to behave the way he does. It's not your fault.

And even if he isn't being critical intentionally, he still needs to get help and work on his controlling issues. If he's pushing you away then it's obviously a problem in your home.

 

[Emilie]

we did have a good night- somewhat. he ate dinner with us- we had sex!!!!
and then we hung out- we started talking about our home- and what we wanted t do with it- which turned into a gigantic fight- but then once we started talking it got better and I really think we are getting somewhere. I figured out that a reason i am so defensive about his requests is because i do not think he thiks i am good enough.,.... and he wants to have nicer( ie not castoffs from family members) things.

so it ended good. we are planning on spending another night together.