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I am ashamed....

3802 Views 43 Replies 33 Participants Last post by  swissmiss
I am truly at my wits end with my relationship.

I am a long time MDCer but do not want my username attatched to this.

I just need to vent anonymously.

I have been unhappy for awhile now.

My dp drinks too much.

He went to a strip club the other week, tried to hide it from me, and I found out. Was disgusted by his fratboy mentality.

He was so drunk the other night that he actually peed outside where any of our neighbors could have seen him. I told him I dont want to be with someone who gets drunk and does stupid things. I am too old for that sh*t!

He told me in a drunken stupor the other night that I was worthless, but then didnt remember the next day and said he was sorry....apologies dont mean sh*t after so many. It doesn't fix everything.

He is not respectful to me.

He doesn't appreciate me.

He makes me guilty when I dont want to have sex with him.

I am not physically attracted to him anymore.

I have nothing in common with him anymore.

I look forward to him going to bed.

I havent slept in the bed with him for days...I go downstairs and tell him the baby was restless...even when he's not...just so I dont have to share a bed with him.

I am not financially able to just walk out...but sometimes I dont even care. I just want to pick up the baby and bolt.

I should be sleeping, but instead I cant stop crying...

I have read so many heartbreaking stories on these boards over the years and truly admire you women who are brave enough to bear all...I guess I am just feeling ashamed that my life is not as perfect as I thought it was.

I feel like a failure.

Thanks for reading and goodnight.

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I wish there was something I could do.
Come and vent here anytime you need to.
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You are not a failure!

It's not your fault he drinks too much.

You are not worthless.

You deserve respect.

You deserve to be appreciated.

It's normal to not feel attracted to, or want to have sex with, someone who is treating you so poorly.
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Originally Posted by sadsack
I am truly at my wits end with my relationship.
Here's the funny thing: the behavior you're describing sounds exactly like my mother (well, not the stripclubs and peeing in the yard thing, heh). The drunken stupor, the obnoxious behavior, the insults and then instant amnesia about having said them - my mother. She was and is an alcoholic. She still becomes verbally abusive sometimes, and I'm 31. I had a miserable childhood in many ways as a result, as did my sisters. My dad was a truck driver, and wasn't ever home to stop her (from screaming at us, staying out all night, leaving us alone in the middle of the night to go to the bar [I was approx. 8 when this started, and I'm the oldest], coming home and passing out to the point where we thought she was dead, saying horrible, ugly things to us when drunk, making herself, her sisters and her bar buddies her top priorities, etc).

My point in relating this isn't to give you my personal tale of woe (heh), but to tell you how it might feel for your baby, growing up with a drunk in the house. If my dad would have scooped us up and gotten us out of there (I don't believe she would have gotten/will ever get help - in my experience, alcoholics are extraordinarily selfish people, by and large), it would have made a huge difference in my life. I think you should ask yourself why you don't think you're worth more than this - because you are. Everyone is. You deserve far better. In my opinion, I think you ought to walk away, and don't look back.
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Of course it's easy to say "just leave", not easy to do. I wish I could help in some tangible way.

You are not wrong, a failure, or a bad person.

You deserve a partner that will respect you.

Do you have friends or family near you that will support you emotionally?

Love and good thoughts to you and your dc.
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I would suggest you get to an Alanon meeting. You need to see that this is about the alcoholism and has nothing to do with you. Addiction means that nothing matters as much as getting that drink. Not just wanting to drink but having your whole life become about drinking, having your brain controling your behavior and your mood, manipulating every situation to keep alcohol in him. You will never be able to compete with an addiction. The brain actually sees you as anti-drinking, therefore dangerous. You need to understand addiction and your powerlessness. Please get some help.
This is not your fault. You are not a failure. Maybe it is time to leave for the sake of you child.
Is there a womens shelter around you that you can go to? This is a form of abuse.
We are here for you so vent as often as you need to.


sweetest lil babe
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I second that you go to Alanon-it really is a disease. My mom is also an alcoholic and I keep a very careful distance from her. Grew up very similar to pp, and it took me years to deal w/ my mom's drinking. Years to figure out it wasn't about any of us, it was about a disease eating her up. Poverty wouldn't have bothered me as a child, and I would have loved not hearing my mom screaming hateful things and throwing plates at my dad. Most love and strenghth to you
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I'm so sorry mama

it is him, not you...take care of yourself and your baby. Dont do anything you dont feel comfortable with...there is a thread here for self/marriage enlightenment...this may be really helpful and supportive for you.

think good thoughts mama...plant seeds of hope for what you want for your life & marriage.

much love and many blessings~~~~~
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I agree, attend an Al-anon meeting. It might help to talk to people who have been in that situation. Talk to DH when he's not drinking and tell him what you think. If he doesn't get the help he so despratly needs, I'd take your baby and run. The money situation will be rough, but looking back at my life (my father was a hard-core drug addict) I would have rather had been poor but safe than had money and been scared every day.
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you are not alone.

you are not a failure.

by posting, you are taking steps to change your life.

you are clearing the way to make more and more changes.

my heart goes out to you and your family.

i too grew up with an alcoholic dad, ragaholic mom. it wasn't until my mom left my dad (after we were all grown up...she didn't want to break up the family when we were kids) that he sobered up. AA saved his life and it saved mine as well. if i hadn't witnessed my father's recovery, and started attending ACOA, SOSA, i'm sure the road i was headed down would have gotten much worst.


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You guys are the best...thank you for your kind words.

Truth is...I too grew up in an alcoholic home. It was horrible. I know all too well what it does to a family and do not want it to happen to mine.

He knows this. He has been through "the program" before. But thinks he has it under control because he doesnt drink everyday.

It doesnt matter. I told him after his last binge that I WILL NOT raise my family in a home with alcohol. I told him that he can do what he wants but to think about it because next time, I WILL leave...maybe just for a little while at first but each time he chooses alcohol over his family priorities, that I would pull myself further and further away from him.

He listened and apologised for his behaviour but still never said "I will stop".
To me that means he will take a break for now,but the trip is not over. We WILL be going down this road again....and I want to prepare him (and myself) for the worst case scenario.

Honestly...only a few (very few) know of my problems...I dont want people close to us to judge him..I know I shouldnt worry about protecting him, but I do.

Even if he pissses me off all the time, he still deserves his dignity.

The next step for me, I realise, is setting up a game plan for the next time...I havent done that yet. I feel like if I make a plan, it will happen sooner...Why do I have to live in constant fear??? Its just like my childhood all over again!!!!

He is going to be home soon and I have to put my guard back up...THIS SUCKS!!!!!!!
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Originally Posted by sadsack
Honestly...only a few (very few) know of my problems...I dont want people close to us to judge him..I know I shouldnt worry about protecting him, but I do.
I know this feeling exactly. As a kid, I lost all respect for my mother, yet longed for her attention and approval. It was a never ending cycle of waiting for, and then living through her next big drunken blowup - and it happened constantly, and my friends (the few there were) witnessed it frequently, to my constant humiliation.


When I was sent to counseling at around 13 (why *I* was the one who needed help, I'll never quite get..) I felt protective and defensive about it, and couldn't bring myself to "betray" my mother by airing our family's dirty laundry. I would sit there, unable to speak, and wracked with fear that she would get mad if I told people "bad things" about her. Even now, I feel guilty typing this. Sigh.

It's not as easy as "just leave." You start to feel responsible, and you start to take on the role of caregiver. It's an absolutely horrible cycle, as you are obviously all too aware. There comes a time, however, when you have to realize that what happened to you then and what is happening now is a mistake. It's not supposed to be happening. You're supposed to be happy, not miserable. This guy is signing you up for sadness and tragedy, but here's the good news: he has no power over you. You don't have ot take it. You can be happy!

By the way...I don't believe alcoholism is a disease. A disease isn't something you can just decide not to have any more. Alcoholism is a choice. I know that's not a popular statement, but after a lifetime of abuse by an alcoholic, I know what can and can't "be helped."

I'm so sorry you're going through this. PM me anytime if you need to talk.
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Lovely OP, you are not a failure.
It is not your fault you are no longer attracted to this man.
I second the Alanon recommendations. It does help you realize that it isn't personal.
I was so sad to read about your childhood. It feels familiar, right, even if it doesn't feel good, what is going on now?
Hugs, mama.
So sorry you have to deal with this mama

I don't have much advise, though I secong hte ideas of attending one of those meetings and making a plan in case you do decide you need to leave. I just wanted to chime in as another daughter of an alcoholic-but the other side from the other posters. My parents did split up over it. My mom and I were poor while I was growing up-welfare, food stamps, living with family(thank goodness we have family) type poor. I have no memories of my father, none. I wanted to tell you from the point of view of a child in that situation- I have no hard feelings. I don't resent my mom for leaving, I don't resent my dad for drinking(and later, other drugs). It was always explained to me as just a very sad thing, that my father was a very good person who made some very bad decisions and that's why he wasn't around. But for the most part it wasn't even an issue. I only knew the life I knew, you know? I didn't even realize until I was older just how poor we were sometimes.

I just wanted to share. I don't want to encourage you in any particular direction, you'll do what you have to do for your own family. Just if it does come to leaving, let you know that your baby will be ok. Kids are resilient and don't really question the way they ar ebeing raised, at least until they are older and by then they understand things better.

Lean on your family and friends if you need to. Even if you are embarrassed to admit to themn what's happening-they'd rather know and be able to help. That's what htey are for! If someone you were close to was in a similar situation, wouldn't you want to know so you could help? Even just to be an emotional sounding board, someone to talk to?

Hope things go better for you soon.
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Sorry you are going through this

I really hope this gets better for you soon

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Originally Posted by sadsack
I told him after his last binge that I WILL NOT raise my family in a home with alcohol. I told him that he can do what he wants but to think about it because next time, I WILL leave...maybe just for a little while at first but each time he chooses alcohol over his family priorities, that I would pull myself further and further away from him.
I grew up with an alcoholic father. He was SO nice-- not abusive at all, but definitely an alcoholic. I would get so angry with him. One day I told him I knew the next dress I'd be buying was going to be for his funeral because he choose to drink.

I was right. I was 13.

Fast forward to 16. I developed an eating disorder. FINALLY I understood the H*** my dad went through being addicted. I understood that it probably never felt like a choice to drink-- it was a must. That's the Addict. The Addict does everything in its power to gain more control of the person until someone wins-- the Addict or the Recovered Person. I was lucky.

In any case, ITA w/the previous poster who'd choose poverty over alcoholism.

It's not surprising you married an alcoholic. Many children of alcoholics do. This time, however, you CAN get away, you DO have choices.

Many, many
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Today was a difficult day.

He came home and I tried really hard to be in a good mood, but couldnt pull it off...I am not a very good liar.

I sensed that he was sensing distance from me, and of course instead of asking me what was wrong... He just got more and more irritated and eventually I just took my kids and went shopping.

All day.

I came home and made dinner and he told me he wasnt hungry (which I dont believe for a second)...and went to bed earlier than usual.

He did give me a kiss goodnight and as I hugged him (apprehensively) I felt a sense of deep sadness run through me...I still cant get myself to sleep in the bed. I have yet again made up the spare.

Another heartbreaking moment was when my baby was getting ready for bed and ran to the bottom of the stairs and was yelling "Da! da!" "Night night"...we still co sleep and know this is hard...but the baby needs to sleep with me (nursing and all)..I hate to take away the opportunity to sleep with both parents, but right now...I need this space.

Am I selfish?

I feel so uneasy and all around yukky.....
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BIG sorry you are going through this. How horribly painful.

I would also recommend Al-Anon. After many years I STILL learn SO much from friends there---

Going to Al-Anon might initially seem like doing "nothing" in a desperate feeling situation or you might initially feel really mad that HE's not the one going to a meeting of some sort, but you might also be amazed if you try it.

lots of love to you, anonymous---
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