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<span style="color:#FF0000;">When is enough...enough? I am falling to pieces and I know all I have to do is walk away but I cannot. My husband has a mental illness, he is depressed and has been for well over a year. He gets very volitle, explosive, and abusive towards me. Last year he was hospitalized for being suicidal and I have tried so hard to just suck it up and be as supportive as I could. I am finding that I am broken down though. Today we got in an argument over his work schedule and he was so angry..over nothing...and I made the mistake of making a nasty comment to him as he was walking out the door. He had a big bag of garbage from the kitchen and a pizza box in his hands. Before I could get up from the chair he had thrown the bag across the room at me and was headed towards me with the pizza box and was wailing me with the box and screaming at me. I am a big girl (5'7 and over 240lbs <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/bag.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Bag">: ) and if someone threatened my children I am big and strong enough to fight someone to the end, but my husband attacks me and I take it. I used to fight back, but I have gotten to tired.<br><br>
Over the summer he OD'd on a bunch of pills and in an effort to wake him up and figure out what was wrong with him he snapped and broke my nose almost...blood was flying everywhere and my face was swollen for days. Since then I have not fought back. I don't understand why.<br><br>
I am about to graduate from nursing school and I am going to move. I was trying to get a loan for $12,000.00 to move...I thought we would all move as a family and we would be happy. Well no one would co-sign for the loan for me, so I have no clue what I am going to do. Now I wish I had the money becuase I have job offers and I would just pick up with the kids with that money and leave. Maybe that is unrealistic because I cannot move with 4 small kids and be alone. I need him, but at times I hate him. I hate him for breaking me while I stand by him and try to help him get better. I hate him for not getting better! Is that selfish to say?<br><br>
Love is not supposed to hurt! Why can I not have a happy life? Why can I not have a man who loves me and cherishes me? Why did I have to leave the house alone yesterday and go see a movie and go to dinner alone just so I could have a good Valentine's Day? Why does he leave for days at a time and not contact me at all, but I go out to dinner and spend $40 and have to feel guilty?<br><br>
I am afraid he is going to kill me one day. I should be doing more to help him but I do not know how.<br><br></span>
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">s this is not right mama!
 

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You have to take care of yourself right now because the children need you and their father does'nt seem to be doing too well. It won't do to have both parents out of comission.<br>
Is it possible to try and find another mama with children and live together and separate from your dh for awhile? He's hurting you and your children are watching.<br>
What about a shelter for abused women?<br>
Do you have family to help you?<br>
I don't know you but I feel very bad that you're going through this trauma.<br>
I'm so sorry you having to experience this.
 

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This is NOT your fault! Hugs to you Momma! It sounds like your husband still needs help, but you need to keep you and your children safe. They are watching you being abused by your husband. It doesn't matter that he has a mental illness. Violence in the home is a DEALBREAKER. Leave with your children, you can do it. I am sure some wise mammas here can help. This is time for you to take a stand on any violence towards yourself. When children are witnesses to violence it is secondary abuse, meaning it is damaging to them seeing their mother being treated badly. Please make a plan and get out. Where are you located?
 

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Leave now. Protect yourself and your children. You can do it.<br><br>
Please follow the link below and call the National Domestic Abuse Hotline.<br><a href="http://www.ndvh.org/" target="_blank">http://www.ndvh.org/</a><br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

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I couldn't read this and not reply.<br><br>
It doesn't matter if he has a mental illness - you should not be his physical and emotional punching bag, and you should not allow yourself to stop being the smart, strong woman you obviously are. Alone with four kids is better than that!<br><br>
Is there any way a new job would pay your moving expenses or give you an advance on your pay to cover it? Do you need 12K? It might be cheaper to send the stuff you absolutely cannot do without and buy new everything else when you get there - when we moved crosscountry we spent a good while with a $25 couch from the Salvation Army, and got a few other things from neighbors' driveways on garbage day, and it worked fine. Barring that, there's credit cards, if you must.<br><br>
I don't like debt, and I don't like poverty, but they're both better than getting reamed out and having your nose broken, just for caring.<br><br>
wishing the best for you and yours.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Hello...thanks for the support. I live in Ohio and I graduate from Nursing school in May. I have a job offer in Florida that has NO relocation assistance. I am waiting to hear from a job in Waco...I think it will have relocation. As far as support here...I do not have any. My mother is dealing with my father who has Alzheimer's and she thinks I made my own bed when I married my husband. I am holding on to the fact that when I graduate I will atleast be in a position to make money on my own. I love my husband and I think somewhere under all of this mess he loves me too, but I am scared.<br>
Alicia
 

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I think that if he truly loves you, and his abusive behavior is the mental illness 'speaking,' the true him somewhere underneath would NOT want you to subject yourself to the abuse.<br><br>
It must be so scary to worry about him hurting himself, but it's just not right to put yourself and your kids through that and, if there's a good man somewhere in there, he knows it.<br><br>
The job with relocation allowance sounds very positive. You need some physical and mental safety in the meantime, though.
 

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i agree with all the pp's. you need to get out, even though you love him. he needs to get help, big time. i hope he gets better and you guys can get back together, but for now you need to protect yourself. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

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Sometimes shelters can help you relocate. They can connect you to resources who can get you money to get where you need to go. Please don't stay. Leave as soon as you can. You do not deserve to live like that and neither do your children.
 

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Leave. Just leave. He cannot stop himself, and you must must must value yurself and your safety as your children's only whole parent. You do not need his help. Fact is, he is making your life MORE difficult. It will be easier without him, not harder.
 

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first off, <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">s<br><br>
second, love isn't supposed to hurt. sorry sweetie, but that's not love. i know it hurts because you love him so much, but someone who loves you wouldn't leave you fearful for your life. i also think you know this, and i'm sure you're scared. however, now is the time to dig deep within and unsurface strength you never knew you had. i hope you find comfort in knowing that it is possible for you to finish school, find a job, and support your four children as a single mother. there are many strong women who have done this, and if you look hard enough, you will see that you are capable too. you mentioned being in school right now. do you have access to a counseling/testing center? my college offers free counseling for students as well as a resource center for females called "women's place." it provides therapy and resources for women dealing with domestic violence, sex related crimes, etc. they even have information on obtaining free legal aid. i hope you have something similar that can help you. if you're not sure, i could pm you the information about my school's program. i know they have extensive networking capabilities and may be able to help you.<br><br>
sending more <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">s
 

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<div style="font-style:italic;">Leave now. Protect yourself and your children. You can do it.<br><br>
Please follow the link below and call the National Domestic Abuse Hotline.<br><a href="http://www.ndvh.org/" target="_blank">http://www.ndvh.org/</a><br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"></div>
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What if he DOES kill you??<br>
What sort of life would your babies have??<br><br>
Please call and tell them your story- they can help you.<br>
Hugs to you.
 

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GET OUT. Do not make the mistake of thinking that your love for him is enough right now. GET OUT and keep your children and yourself safe, and let him get counseling if he wants to work it out. Make him prove that he has changed before you let him have any power over you again.<br><br>
We are so vulnerable to those we love, afraid to lose the security or what we once had, I think. But you ARE AFRAID. This won't go away...no matter how sweet you are to him, no matter whether you never make another comment that rubs him the wrong way...he needs help and he can't get it from you. And you won't change anything but the date by convincing yourself it may change if his situation changes (not saying you are doing that, but it's easy to do in this situation).
 

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A shelter will help you find resources to help you finish that degree. Please get out now.
 

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Alicia...I am reading all of the 'get out NOW' responses and though I do think you're in a terrible situation (he was beating you with a pizza box? He threw a bag of trash at you?) I know it can feel overwhelming, and you are SO CLOSE to graduation.<br><br>
I don't know what I would do in your situation. I think I would probably wait to graduate. But I am afraid for you, what if he feels threatened by your emerging independence? I am afraid he might hurt you to prevent you from graduating.<br><br>
I know it sounds hard but please ask for help at your school, maybe there is a counselor there who has helped other women through your situation and maybe she will have some answers for you.<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

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It breaks my heart to hear what you're going through. I'm very familiar with depression, but from the details that you've given, it sounds as though your husband has much deeper problems than this. I would suggest couples counseling, but I can imagine that the brunt of the "couples work" would fall to you - if your husband even agreed to it (and I get the impression that he wouldn't).<br><br>
Instead, you need to <b>get out</b>. Not only for your well-being, but for the sake of your children. If they continue to witness the abuse, you run the risk that they will believe that this is how normal relationships work and pass the violence along when they enter into relationships of their own.<br><br>
I know that the thought of making it on your own (especially with 4 kids) is beyond overwhelming, but you <b>CAN</b> do it. I believe that you can, and I know that the other women here will say the same. You have the plan of graduating and relocating, and you have the strength to follow through with it.<br><br>
Do you have a friend in another city - someone who can help you temporarily? This would be ideal - emotional support and a roof over your head while you begin a new job..<br><br>
Just a thought.<br><br>
I'm sending you every ounce of positive energy I possess... <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>wonderfulmom</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7314489"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">What if he DOES kill you??<br>
What sort of life would your babies have??</div>
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I agree with this Mama.<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad">
 

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Mama, I once dated a guy who treated me similarly. I was with him for 5 years. He beat me down to the point that I had absolutely no confidence in myself. He broke my sternum and he hit me with pillows so that he could say "I never laid a hand on her." (he actually told me that.) <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/dizzy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Dizzy">:<br><br>
Anyway, I got out. And now, I have a fantastic dh and 2 awesome boys! I have a life that I wouldn't trade for anything. My point is this: it seems SO hard to leave right now. I know. BUT, good things WILL come to you if you do.<br><br>
So, please don't wait until you graduate. I would expect things will only escalate and he could become more violet with YOU and your KIDS. Please don't let that happen. Please don't let your children be victims of child abuse.<br><br>
If you are a member of a church, contact them and ask if they have assistance available. Contact a women's shelter. Contact a Travelling Nurse program (many pay for relocation). There really is help out there if you just ask for it. And honestly, in your situation, take what is really important (family pictures, clothing) and leave everything else. It can all be replaced later.
 

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Just wanted to offer my support too and tell you that it is normal to have this confusion in your situation. I can imagine you are tired. Raising 4 kids and going to school would be exhausting enough. And you need to get out. Your children experience the violence too whether he physically hurts them or not.<br><br>
Keep applying for jobs. There is a nurse shortage IMU and if not the first job, one will come up to get you far away from you situation.<br><br>
Please take the advice of pps and get out before he hurts you any more. It is not going to get better. You still have the strength to know you have given up fighting. And you need strength to leave.
 
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