[WoolyMama]

nak<br><br>
long story short-<br><br>
DH has 2 friends at work with whom he constantly jokes that each other is gay. they spend tons of time and energy photoshopping pix to look like one of them is in (for ex) a gay pride parade, even making a myspace page about one of the guys being gay, etc etc.<br><br>
When he gets out of the shower, and just has a towel, he seriouslty thinks he is propositioning me by putting his hand on his hip in an effeminant manner and saying in a girlish voice, "See anything you like?"<br><br>
Once, okay, its funny or cute.... but every.single.time? I have even asked him to stop it now, but he doesn't. He seems obsessed with talking about "mock" homosexuality for the last year or so.<br><br>
... and did I mention he had two homosexual experiments as a teen?<br><br>
Something in my gut has turned away from him. NOT because he may be bisexual, I have a homosexual brother and love him and accept him dearly... but because dh is not HONEST with me, and I feel confused most of the time.<br><br>
Some people at his work really think he and his friends are closet homosexuals, and I get these "looks" when my kids and I go there... so he is really playing around and spending a lot of work time doing what are supposedly jokes (the pix and the myspace page)... but ... I just feel so confused!

 

[WoolyMama]

Just wanted to add... I think it's pretty freaking RUDE to spend so much time talking about homosexuality, anyway. I guess they are not really judging... its actually hard to even understand why someone would put so much energy into it if they weren't a little serious about it. I don't know...BLAH!

 

[quietplease]

It sounds like you need to have serious talk. Even if he isn't bisexual, his behavior is making you uncomfortable.<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">

 

[WoolyMama]

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>quietplease</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/10830359"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">It sounds like you need to have serious talk. Even if he isn't bisexual, his behavior is making you uncomfortable.<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"></div>
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<br>
Thanks. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/redface.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Embarrassment"><br><br>
I have tried to have that serious talk, but he gets so defensive, and... well here I am on MDC to try and get some relief. He just went to bed after I mentioned to him again how his behavior makes me feel. That to me seems like another sign.<br><br>
I try to talk kindly so not to hurt his feelings, but it doesn't matter.

 

[thismama]

I dont get what the big problem is. Do you think he is cheating on you? I dont see what's wrong with him flirting in a.... non masculine?... way?

 

[WoolyMama]

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>thismama</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/10830413"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I dont get what the big problem is. Do you think he is cheating on you? I dont see what's wrong with him flirting in a.... non masculine?... way?</div>
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There's nothing wrong with it if that was one isolated thing (and <i>you read</i> my post that included the other issues). Its the starw on the camel's back, though. That's the only way he flirts now. Either that or completely overbearing. There's nothing in between like just putting an arm around me. He is either grabbing me very roughly and aggressively, or acting like a woman. Almost like he wants to push me away...

 

[thismama]

Have you talked to him about it? It sounds like maybe he is not sure what his sexuality is, with all the joking. Or maybe he just simply doesn't feel compelled to always 'act like a man.' You're saying you've turned away from him. Do you not think he can sense that?<br><br>
I dont know... I find your post kind of offensive, and you're making it all about you. What is he going through? What does he need from you? How can you be a better partner to him? Yk?<br><br>
I would try to talk to him, in an open, concerned, loving, nonjudgmental way, if you can do that. What else is there to do really?

 

[Arduinna]

It sounds like you are insecure at the possibility he might be bi or gay. Just because you have a gay brother doesn't mean that you are immune to having an issue with your partner being queer.<br><br>
Having said that, who knows if he is or not? I've got more experience with guys that came out that never joked about it than ones that did and with straight guys that are totally comfortable with their sexuality to the point that they joke flirt with really close guys friends. My dh included. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/shrug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="shrug">

 

[Individuation]

I have some experience with this, if you want to PM me.<br><br>
I don't think that there's a single thing wrong with "making it all about you" at this point. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/eyesroll.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="roll"> It's a rough position to be in.

 

[princesstutu]

I, too, see no problem with you making this about you, given that he won't talk to you about it. You can't help him if he won't talk (not saying you want to help him...just going with the above post's seeming train of thought).<br><br>
Maybe we can help you better if we understand exactly how you've tried to talk to him about it. What have you said? In what context? Do you bring it up when you're already having a good time together or only when he irks you? Do you flirt with <i>him</i>?<br><br>
I dealt with a husband who either seemed to ignore me or aggressively come at me for sex. It sucked. However, I'd be remiss in dismissing the fact that I was rarely "in the mood" when he was. I'd also be remiss in dismissing the fact that I was pretty turned off him due to many of his daily actions and I, too, had four kids in 5 years (I noticed your sig), so I had less patience for his "antics."<br><br>
Are there any other issues you two are having that may be tied to your feelings about this, in any way? While I don't think I'd have a problem with my dh making jokes like yours does <i>some</i>times, it would certainly turn me off it happened on the regular. And, it sounds like there are community repercussions to his behavior, as well. I <i>totally</i> get why this is a problem for you.

 

[MujerMamaMismo]

To answer the question in your subject line, I'd say 'possibly, yes.' But maybe he's just interested in playing with gender which doesn't necessarily mean much about his sexuality at all. Have you asked him?<br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>WoolyMama</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/10830309"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Just wanted to add... I think it's pretty freaking RUDE to spend so much time talking about homosexuality, anyway. I guess they are not really judging... its actually hard to even understand why someone would put so much energy into it if they weren't a little serious about it. I don't know...BLAH!</div>
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I agree - his behaviour sounds incredibly homophobic to me which could be rooted in serious bigotry or maybe he's closeted and he's creatively examining his own internalized homophobia with friends who he feels safe with.<br><br>
Make no mistake though, mocking gay people and accusing others of being gay as a put down is homophobic - just as is classing all gay men as queeny and flamboyant.<br><br>
But none of those comments help your situation - sorry. I'm not sure where you can go with this if he's not willing to talk to you seriously about it.

 

[LifeIsBeautiful]

omg, i think gay people are just the same as me and you. no better or no worse. but what i dont agree with is pretending to be something you are not, i had a close friend who was gay who had sexual experiences with other men who were married. that is not right, i don't care what anybody says, be happy with who you are and take pride in your beauty regardless. anyway, would you stay with him if he was bi? i don't know, the way he jokes with his friends doesn't make him seem bi, i've heard my bf do the same with one of his hockey buddies. im sure a lot of men are insecure about being gay escpecially those who might have been sexually abused as children. thats rude what his coworkers are doing though, tell them to screw off. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/thumb.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="thumbs up">

 

[sdm1024]

First, there is no reason why this isn't about you.<br><br>
1) you've told him the repetive joking is making you uncomfortable - he's not honoring your request<br><br>
2) You're in a marriage with this person, and when you married him, you made a few assumptions: that he would be with you for life (or the duration of the marriage...I understand that everyone has different views on marriage etc), that he was straight, etc<br><br>
If he's not being honest with you about what's going on inside, weather it be nothing or something that's hard to deal with!<br><br>
Maybe have a sit down, heart to heart with him about his behaviour and how it is affecting you again. No distractions, kids in bed or with a babysitter, etc. If he avoids the topic altogether, maybe couseling is the next step - sometimes having that third person there to facilitate the conversation would help.<br><br>
Hugs to you...I've dealt with something along a similar, but not exact vein and can understand how confused and just distressed you might be feeling. PM me if you would like.

 

[JTA Mom]

Maybe. I don't think it's wrong to make this all about you either. I mean you have approached him & he's not talking. Plus you are venting. I know guys do joke about homosexuality but I think that has more to do with the "taboo" aspect of it, ya know? In this society, being a gay man is "bad" (just stating this, I don't believe this) and any, ANY truly close male-male relationship is seen through a sexualized lens which makes it suspect.<br><br>
I am Greek, and in my culture close male relationships that include lots of hugging and even hand holding is considered normal behavior for heterosexual men. In fact there are lots of cultures where close bodily contact between men is accepted without sexualizing it. That said, I think here men have a problem with having close male relationships because it is considered a "sign" of homosexuality. So many guys who have close relationships tend to joke about it in a way to release the tension. At least that is what I am guessing they do it for.<br><br>
Back on topic, do some soul searching yourself. Would you be with your husband if he is bi? Or would it turn you off? Does any "feminine" reaction by your dh turn you off/make you hesitant? If he is bi, but senses that you would not be interested in him if he were, he might not want to broach the subject.<br><br>
Also, I think he knows where he stands sexuality wise, whether he wants to acknowledge that to himself or not. I don't think he is experimenting because all of the gay/bi people I know have told me that they had feelings about their orientation for a long time--it's not something that is "figured" out as a surprise later on.<br><br>
I am also sending lots of hugs too. It's a tough situation to be in. From personal experience, being with a bi person is difficult because *I* would always wonder about the "other" competition. I mean, I can compete with a female, but not a male cuz I don't have those parts, kwim?<br><br>
That said, my best relationships were/are with bi partners. I'm pretty open about discussing/listening/etc all sorts of stuff and I want them to be open about their bisexuality. Hmm, how do I say this so it makes sense? I want both the straight and gay part out in the open. EX: I have noticed when my partner would get distracted cuz some hot guy was walking down the street and I'd engage them in agreeing or disagreeing to that particular guy's hotness. That said I am strongly into monogamy and all partners (gay, bi., straight) have known this and respected this. Those who didn't got booted.<br><br>
Please feel free to pm me if you want to talk more about this.<br><br>
((HUGS))<br><br>
Ami

 

[BunnySlippers]

Considering this is in PERSONAL GROWTH, umm yup it IS all about her.<br><br>
I think the obsession with photo shopping and making websites teasing people about being gay is offensive. That kinda makes it seem like they are saying it is not ok to be gay.<br><br>
As for him being bi-sexual(possibly gay), that is a hard thing to figure out if you are ok with it. He is your husband after-all, not your brother or your friend.<br>
The bi-sexual thing I think I would be fine with(easy for me to say over here on my computer living in singledom land), or even if it turned out my 'husband' was gay I'd be alright with it in the end. I might be sorry to loose the lover aspect of my partner if he was gay, but you could probably still parent together easily and comfortably.<br>
I would not be okay sharing my husband/partner with another person sexually. gay, bi or straight.<br><br>
Have you asked him why he gets angry?

 

[LizD]

Maybe you should ask him if he wants to role-play? He might really be seeking the exploration of his personality with someone he loves and is safe with, and for some reason can not share it with you, nor can he put it aside.

 

[Jilian]

My guess is that he's at least bisexual. Men usually do not have experimental sexual experiences with other men unless they are questioning their sexuality - IMO. Well, let me put it this way (to be fair): all of the men that I have ever known that have experimented with other men ended up being gay.<br><br>
Can you try to talk to him in a way that is non-thretening so he doesn't feel the need to get defensive? I agree with what LizD says, maybe he is showing you this side of him because he feels comfortable with you but he's not comfortable enough to talk more about it.

 

[MommaShark]

<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">

 

[thismama]

What I meant when I said the OP is making this all about her, is that I don't think it has to be such a huge threat, nor is it likely something he knows solidly and has been hiding. Yk? Sexual orientation can shift over time, or new information can emerge and he may be trying to integrate it, and hint/look to see what level of support and understanding he will get from his partner. Yk? I'm queer so I have a different perspective but I would personally think it would be better to approach the issue from the same 'team' as him, like you are on his side and also curious about what is emerging for him. Bisexuality does not have to mean the end of a relationship, especially not if the person's partner is supportive and understanding about it. Approaching it like a threat and a bad thing and information he 'owes' you to me would help create the reality of a threat to the relationship. I mean, it could be anyway, but if you are to stay together I would think the easiest route would be to look upon the shift in sexual orientation with curiousity.<br><br>
That's my 2 cents.

 

[mia_jean]

This is a complex inquiry WoolyMama. Talk about opening up a bag of worms <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile">. I would say trust your instincts. While his actions might not seem inapropriate or offensive to some people, what matters is how it makes <i>you</i> feel. If he is exploring his sexuality it could mean a drastic change in your relationship. I would suggest doing some soul searching. Are you happy with your relationship in general? What would change if he told you that yes he is bi or gay? Would you want to stay together and try and make it work? You know, those kind of fun questions.<br>
{{{hugs}}}