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<p>I have 3 kids with my ex husband (DD1, DD2 & DS) and 1 (DD3) with my current husband. DD1 & DS live with my ex husband while DD2 & DD3 live with my current husband and I. Two months ago DH, DD2, DD3 and I moved 800 miles away from exdh, DD1 & DS. Last month, at Thanksgiving, I flew back to visit them, and our plan has been for DD1 & DS to visit us at Christmas. </p>
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<p>Originally my father was going to drive the children back here, but now he can't because his money is tied up due to a divorce.</p>
<p>Then we were talking about having the kids fly down here. DH says we don't have the money. I know he has more than enough money in his bank account, but he claims it's for college loans. So, now I'm upset he hasn't sent the money in yet. (I suspect he's lying about that, now)</p>
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<p>I just opened up Google Voice on my husband's computer (DD3 is using my computer right now), and it was already logged into my husband's account. I saw his mother sent him a message 2 days ago offering to pay for the gas for us to drive up there and back, put us up in a really nice hotel room, etc. All expenses paid. My husband did mention 2 days ago that his mother offered to put us up in a hotel room if we did drive up there for Christmas. However, my husband lied to me and said we'd have to pay gas. He claimed we didn't have the money to spend on the gas we'd need to get up there. He said we'd have to choose between seeing my kids for Christmas or getting the kids Christmas presents. I was happy with just seeing my kids for Christmas, but I talked it over with DD1 and she felt it best if we just send presents now as I did just see them at Thanksgiving and we're seeing them again in February. We talk daily so we're in contact a lot. If we didn't get them presents they wouldn't get anything at all, since exDH & his fiance are both unemployed. DD1 thought it would be too traumatizing for DS (age 8) to have a Christmas without presents. So, the decision was made to not go up there based on lies my husband made.</p>
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<p>I am so upset right now. My MIL and I are not on good terms, so I couldn't just ask her to send the gas money and pay for me to go up there without DH. Besides, I only got my drivers license in June, I'm not comfortable driving such a distance, especially when there's so much snow. </p>
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<p>At this moment I am so angry that I'm likely to verbally abuse my husband, scream at him, etc. when he comes home. He'll probably be home by midnight tonight. He went to go play cards tonight.</p>
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<p>Talk me down.</p>
 

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<p>I don't know how much good I'll be at talking down, because I would be livid. Lying to me is on my list of deal-breakers. Lying to me about something to do with my kids (especially something that keeps me from seeing them)? I would be changing the locks right now while he's at his card game. That is totally unacceptable. If he didn't want to go for some reason, then that's fine. He is entitled to feel that way. But to lie to you to get out of going and make himself look better? Nope. Unacceptable.</p>
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<p>Why do you not have access to the family money? That would be an issue for me (though I know in some families it works).</p>
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<p>I'm sorry mama.</p>
 
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<p>Likewise. Lying is, to me, completely and totally unacceptable. Lying to me about something like this?? I don't think I'd be thinking "scream at him and verbally abuse him". I'd be thinking "take a hike". (I don't necessarily think that's the best thing, but that's how I'd feel.)</p>
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<p>You're obviously going to have to talk to him and see if you can figure out why he thought this was an even remotely acceptable way to behave.</p>
 
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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
<p>I would've understood if he said he wasn't comfortable driving up there, since they did just get 4' of snow a week or so ago. But, no, he lied to me. </p>
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<p>As far as him having a separate bank account we did just move down here, and he opened up the bank account when I wasn't with him. I've been asking him to get my name on the bank account but he's been putting it off. I asked him point blank what his problem was with adding me to the bank account. He says that every time he turns around I'm suggesting ways to spend our money. Previously I had mentioned that I would like to go to a local university here in another 1 1/2-2 years. I had reminded him of a really big purchase <strong>he</strong> had talked about wanting to make, trying to come up with a time frame on it. I had suggested a Christmas or birthday gift idea for my father that would mean a great deal to him, even mentioning that it would be great to get my brothers to go in on it since it is an expensive gift and I know we shouldn't be blowing through our money. So, that's 3 big purchases mentioned in 2 months. One is a long term goal of mine. The second is a long term goal he wants. The third (and least expensive) is something that I feel is a perfect gift idea (a model of a submarine my dad was on). </p>
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<p>I understand my husband wants to pay off his college loans early. I respect that. But, he does make very good money, and he should have purposely put some of that aside to pay for our kids to come down here for Christmas. He can claim he was expecting my dad to bring the kids here, but I had been saying all along we should pay at least half of the gas money for my dad to visit because he is going through a divorce that's bleeding him dry and freezing his accounts.</p>
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<p>Right now, I'm thinking my husband is a selfish UAV.</p>
 

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<p>why doesn't he want to go get your kids?</p>
 

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<p>You don't have access to money?</p>
 

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<p>oh mama. i am sooo sorry. it seems like he is making a difference between 'your' kids and 'his' kids. why should he have to pay for 'your' kids with his money when he can pay off loans or do as he wishes with the money.</p>
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<p>this is bad, mama. this is bad. i am sure he feels like YOU are being a selfish UAV for wanting HIM to pay for YOUR kids. </p>
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<p>i am soooo sorry mama. i cant see any other reason for wanting to lie to you. </p>
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<p>seems like you need to really have a heart to heart conversation.</p>
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<p>i agree even for me lying about anything is a huge deal breaker for me. on top of that hedging to let you have a joint account... my single mama's way of thinking is going straight to the gutter.</p>
 
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<br><br><div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>AtYourCervices</strong> <a href="/community/forum/thread/1285781/i-am-livid-found-out-we-could-go-see-my-kids-for-christmas-and-dh-didn-t-tell-me#post_16119798"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a><br><br><p> </p>
<p>As far as him having a separate bank account we did just move down here, and he opened up the bank account when I wasn't with him. I've been asking him to get my name on the bank account but he's been putting it off. I asked him point blank what his problem was with adding me to the bank account. He says that every time he turns around I'm suggesting ways to spend our money.</p>
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This is appalling! What if he were hurt or in the hospital or something, and you needed to buy food for your kids?? There's just no excuse for you to not have access to the household money, imo. And, you suggesting ways to spend the money doesn't even come close! If you had a track record of lying and/or stealing, I could see where he might want to set up a system that would protect the family (although I'd question why he'd continue with someone who was doing those things). But...talking about financial priorities and goals is absolutely <em>not</em> a reason to be deprived of access to money!</p>
 
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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
<p>I don't have access to money besides my $50 "allowance". Sure, he gives me his card if I have to pick up groceries, or if we need anything from the store. If there's something I want or need, as long as it's reasonable, he'll buy it for me. However, my husband is buying me some supplies so I can start my own little business, and whatever money I make from that will be my own (in addition to my "allowance"). </p>
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<p>Part of the problem is he isn't attached to the older two kids. He is a distant step dad to them, which causes a great deal of sadness and frustration in me. He and DD2 are finally getting along okay for the most part, finding things to bond over. My husband is a "highest genius" and he finds those who are intellectually inferior (including children) annoying and/or boring. All of my children have been shown to be quite gifted. But they're not the same level as my husband was as a child. I mean, my husband read the encyclopedia at age 4. He started college at 11. I don't know any kids who meet his standards. Our 3 year old is learning how to read & write and knows how to bring up youtube on the computer and find videos she likes. My husband was programming computers at age 4, so he makes comments to me about how we have one more year to get her to prove herself. *sigh* No, he doesn't make these comments in front of her, and he is [partially] joking when he says it. But still...</p>
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<p>Anyways, my husband finally got home from playing cards. He was all proud of himself because he won the tournament. I was standing in the hallway with a bottle of cleaner. I playfully sprayed my husband's crotch and simply said "You lied to me." He cocked his head to the side and asked what he lied about. I told him I saw the message from his mother where she offered to pay for gas so we could visit. I was very calm and didn't use abusive language. But I "assaulted" him with a squirt of cleanser to his crotch again.</p>
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<p>First DH claimed he doesn't pay much attention to anything his mother says. This can be true at times. He does tend to ignore whatever she says.</p>
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<p>Then he claimed he only read the text translation of her voice message, and he didn't see anything about her offering to pay for gas. I had him bring up the message, and sure enough the text translation did include her offer to pay for gas.</p>
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<p>Then my husband tried to come up with some excuse saying that he thinks that MIL was only offering to pay for gas while we were up there. FIL owns an oil company. We always got free gas when we lived up there. So he believes we would only get gas when we got there and we'd be on our own for the rest of the drive.</p>
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<p>DH agreed to talk to his mother to clarify the offer. We chatted for a bit more about his game, and as I went to leave his room he asked me "Do you really want to spend 36 hours of a 4 day vacation driving?"  I think his real problem is he doesn't think seeing my children is worth the time spent driving.</p>
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<p>I asked DH if it was a possibility that MIL could instead cover part of the cost of gas for my dad to drive down here instead. I mean 1/4th of the cost would actually be free for her, we could cover another portion, and see about my dad covering another portion. We don't know if that's doable.  It may be that MIL is so desperate to see DH & DD3 that she's willing to pay for us to travel up there, but not willing to pay for anybody else to take my DD1 & DS down there, even if it technically wouldn't cost her anything if my dad gassed up at FIL's station. </p>
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<p>I don't know. My husband is still a UAV. I'm glad I didn't yell at him or use abusive language as was my initial reaction. I feel I handled it rather well, including humor he'd appreciate (cleaner to the crotch). We'll see how this  goes tomorrow.</p>
 

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<p>aaaaaah mama as long as you made sure you made your boundaries and limits VERY clear - then i'm happy if you are happy.</p>
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<p>he got the full picture that you knew he was lying and that you WONT tolerate it.</p>
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<p>wise move. saves quite a bit for your marriage. </p>
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<p>yeah i can see him not wanting to drive that much esp. on bad roads. </p>
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<p>and yeah for intellectual types like him, its very hard for them to see others point of view. </p>
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<p>i am sooo impressed with your cool head - that you were able to find a place of humour to fight from. soemthing that he would find funny. that was absolutely BRILLIANT. he maybe able to read the encyclop at 4 but as an adult you rock :)</p>
 

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<p>I mean this in a gentle way but what caused you to choose him for the stepfather to your kids if he doesn't seem to be close with them? Also what is the arrangement you & he made with your ex? From what you have posted I am worried he won't make the effort to *let you see your kids* especially if he sees it as his money.</p>
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<p>I think you were smart to handle it calmly but you need to figure out your own money & a schedule for your kids. Good luck!</p>
 

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<br><br><div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>Rosedotcom</strong> <a href="/community/forum/thread/1285781/i-am-livid-found-out-we-could-go-see-my-kids-for-christmas-and-dh-didn-t-tell-me#post_16120099"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a><br><br><p>I mean this in a gentle way but what caused you to choose him for the stepfather to your kids if he doesn't seem to be close with them? Also what is the arrangement you & he made with your ex? From what you have posted I am worried he won't make the effort to *let you see your kids* especially if he sees it as his money.</p>
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<p>I think you were smart to handle it calmly but you need to figure out your own money & a schedule for your kids. Good luck!</p>
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<br><br><p>To put it bluntly, he knocked me up. That's how I chose him to be the stepdad of my kids. </p>
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<p>The arrangement we have with my ex is a rather casual oral agreement. I'm supposed to have the kids anytime they have a break from school (holidays, summer break, etc). ExDH hasn't actually discussed with me how he wants to work out his visitation with DD2. However, since exDH & his fiance are both unemployed he may just move closer to us. ExDH has a cousin who lives down here, who is actually responsible for hiring people. So, exDH has always been told if he was willing to move down here his cousin would have a job lined up for him. That was one of the reasons I agreed to move down here, b/c I knew exDH had the option of moving down here as well. </p>
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<p>DH has discussed possibly having DD1 & DS move in with us in about a year. He actually brought up the possibility on his own one day. It's possible they could move in with us this summer, though. DH doesn't really know DD1 or DS well. I have been with DH on and off for almost 5 years. For the first year and a half I didn't bring DH around the kids much. I honestly wasn't sure he was going to be a permanent part of our lives. Then DH moved away to go to University. He was gone about 2 years. When DH came back he was working 11 hour shifts, so he was either working or sleeping from that time up until a couple months ago when we moved down here. DD2 moved in with us a year ago and they're finally getting along & bonding.</p>
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<p>As far as the money situation, I actually am getting the tools to make my products, and I just met a store owner who would be willing to sell my products. So, I'll be bringing in some money. I'm not expecting a  lot, but it'll be a start, at least enough to afford to fly my kids in every other month.</p>
 

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<p>I would not go another day, another hour, with this person unless he gives you access to the bank account (not an "allowance" - and a piddling one at that - as if you're a child!).  Today.  Then YOU don't have to beg and plead to see your own children.  If you were divorced, your child support & alimony would be much more than $50, and you could spend it as you see fit, not have to grovel for it.</p>
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<p>And to be with a man who doesn't see the value in your relationship with your children - your CHILDREN... just no way.  I certainly can't tell you want to do, but nothing in either of those situations, especially the latter, is okay.  Is it okay with you?  I would not move away from my kids to be with this man.  Is there any way you can move back?  Because clearly, seeing your children is going to be a struggle.  I have a son about your son's age (mine is 9) and I cannot imagine moving so far away, especially for someone so cavalier about your children.</p>
 

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<p>Is just you flying out again possible? I think his behavior is totally out of line, but I also see the point. You're driving <strong>36 hours</strong> over 4 days. How much time will you actually get to see your children? It can't be more than a few hours assuming you're going to sleep at some point. Perhaps it would work better to stay a day or two longer when you go in February?</p>
 

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<p>I understand his point of not wanting to drive for 36 hours - but it was really immature and manipulative of him to lie to you about the gas offer rather than just own up to not wanting to drive for 4 days.</p>
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<p>I am glad you got your liscense.  You cannot make him want to drive down, but next year at this time, you won't have!  </p>
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<p>Is a bus or train an option?</p>
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<p>The lack of money access would not fly in this household.  Tell him you want to go to the bank in the next 48 hours and be put on the account.  No excuses.  If there is an emergency you need access to money, moreover <em>half the money is yours</em>.  You may want to hammer out spending agreements that work for both of you (example: in this house, neither of us spends more than about $200 on non neccessities without discussing it).  If he does not agrree, I would consider separation.  I know that sounds really drastic, but I would not live in a house where I was treated like a child and had no financial power.</p>
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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
<br><br><div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>VisionaryMom</strong> <a href="/community/forum/thread/1285781/i-am-livid-found-out-we-could-go-see-my-kids-for-christmas-and-dh-didn-t-tell-me#post_16120536"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a><br><br><p>Is just you flying out again possible? I think his behavior is totally out of line, but I also see the point. You're driving <strong>36 hours</strong> over 4 days. How much time will you actually get to see your children? It can't be more than a few hours assuming you're going to sleep at some point. Perhaps it would work better to stay a day or two longer when you go in February?</p>
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<br><br><p>Yeah, driving 36 hours in 4 days is a lot. Most likely we'd spend even more time driving since there will be holiday traffic and snow. When we drove down here a couple months ago it took 18 hours with minimal rest stops. I'd  probably only get to see the children on Christmas day and the day after Christmas before we'd have to head back. </p>
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<p>In February we're going to have the children fly here escorted. They'll be here for 4 days. In April they'll be here for 2 weeks and they'll be coming here in June for all of summer break.</p>
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<p>I discussed with my husband briefly the idea of the kids just spending some of their Christmas break with my father. He lives about 70 miles away from my children. The next time my dad will see the kids is April and I think it would be good for the kids to see him now. Last time he saw the kids was October. I'm trying to be flexible and come up with alternatives.</p>
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<p>Not having my name on the account does make me uncomfortable. But keep in mind we've only been here for 2 months. He left work early one day to open up the account and since I wasn't there it ended up in his name only. Before  we moved here we were both working. We didn't have a joint account then, either. We've never had a joint account. Now I'm a SAHM. I haven't had the chance or drive to open up my own account. I'll be opening up my own account after the holidays. I have mentioned to him the possibility of us each having our own separate accounts and one joint account, as well as opening a Savings Account. I think he's been spending the money as fast as he makes it, paying off his loans.</p>
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<p>My husband is a pessimist. He got this really amazing job and all he can think about is how things so rarely go as planned. He's worried that he'll end up not having this job in a few months. He can't fathom things going so well for him, having this amazing job doing exactly what he likes to do, making excellent money. So, he's extremely focused on paying off the loans and getting that out of the way so that if he loses his job at least he'll be out of debt. I've been going along with it, only because I realize his insecurities are stressing him out. It's not a bad thing to pay off loans early. </p>
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<p>I've come up with a plan to make money on my own, though. My husband supports this 100%. I'll be getting the tools either for my birthday (which is tomorrow) or Christmas. I've already prepared some of the patterns, and I met with a shop owner yesterday who is interested in selling my products. The shop gets 40%, I'd get 30% and another 30% goes to a charity of my choice. It would come down to about $20-25 to me per hour worth of work, with only $0.40 - $1.50 worth of supplies. Depending on how fast the items sell, I should be able to make enough to fly up to see the kids or have the kids fly down here at least every other month. I'll be making money doing something I love and I'll have some financial independence. </p>
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<p>It's not worth arguing with him right now. I'm patient. Eventually I'll be able to convince him to add my name to the account using logic. It may be in a couple weeks, after the holidays, or it may be next month when he finishes paying off his student loans. It'll happen in the next couple months, though. That I'm sure of. </p>
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<p>It was very manipulative and immature of him to lie to me. I called him out on lying. He still won't take full responsibility for lying to me. He's still claiming he misunderstood the message from his mother. I'm not going to continue arguing with him as to whether or not he understood the message originally. That doesn't matter. What matters now is clarifying the offer and reinforcing the fact that I will not tolerate lying. </p>
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<p>This is so completely horrible. I wouldn't be able to look at my husband if he kept me from my child dishonestly.</p>
 

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<p>Maybe I'm missing a detail from an earlier post but I don't get this:</p>
<p><em>I discussed with my husband briefly the idea of the kids just spending some of their Christmas break with my father.</em></p>
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<p>Not sure why that has anything to do with your husband's say-so.  That's between you, your father and your kids. </p>
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<p>About the bank account ("only 2 months"?!  It takes like 10 minutes to add your name) my point is you shouldn't have to "convince" your own husband to make you an equal partner.  Lots of people worry about money, but that doesn't mean they make their partner feel like a child who has to ask for everything. </p>
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<p>...All this needing his approval for everything sounds a little too paternal to me.</p>
 

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<p>I meant to add, most importantly, that I would go see the kids for Christmas anyway.  Your husband doesn't have to come if it's all just too much for him.  Don't let him talk you out of something so important to you, and think about how your kids would feel to be able to see you, even if it's just for a day or two. </p>
 

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<p> </p>
<div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
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<p>It's not worth arguing with him right now. I'm patient. Eventually I'll be able to convince him to add my name to the account using logic. It may be in a couple weeks, after the holidays, or it may be next month when he finishes paying off his student loans. It'll happen in the next couple months, though. That I'm sure of. </p>
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<p>Somehow this really bothers me.  I've got alarm bells going off in my head. Maybe it's the fact that you would have to work so hard at having to "convince" him at all. Or that anytime you need to buy something you have to ask to use his card. Or that you are given an "allowance".</p>
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<p>If it was me I would not be patient.  He could be hit by a car tomorrow and you would not have any access to *your* money. If he died or was unable to speak/communicate,with privacy laws being what they are today, it could takes weeks even months for you to get access. Speaking of what did you do with the money in your personal account before you moved? Did that all go into the account he opened by himself?</p>
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<p>I also find the whole "you couldn't be put on the account because you were not there" suspicious as well.  I opened an ING account a number of years ago and just checked off that it was joint account and filled in my husbands name. When I inherited some money this past summer I opened a special high interest IRA at a large commericial back that came with free a checking account and a debit card and same thing, just checked off that it was joint account. At the very least he should be able to call the bank and have you added so not having the time to get there should not be an issue. Have you called the bank to see what their policy really is?</p>
 
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