[momma of monkeys]

DS is on Spring Break, and of course none of his friends are...not until next week...
Anyway, he has been whining, complaining, demanding, yelling at EVERYONE, snarky, rude, sneaky, etc....
I have offered him different projects to work on, allowed tv/video game time, crafts, cooking with me....but heaven forbid I ask him to pick up anything or talk to me in a nice voice, or be nice to his sister....
He is the nicest kid in the world one minute, and mean and angry the next. I realize he cannot play outside much (we are redoing what little back yard we have and out front is the street, no yard) and he wants to play with some friends but I don't know what to do...dd and I are sickish, I took him to his friends house last night and we stayed until almost 11....
He's been telling me that I only pay attention to his sister, I make sure she has clean pants, and things to play with and I do nothing for him. That isn't really true...but dd is 15 months old and he is seven...so she does need a bit more from me than he does.
I took him to the store with me the other night and he had money with him to buy whatever, and after that he went to dinner with his gma, and last night we went to his friends, his gma is taking him again this evening and tomorrow he goes to biodads....it was less than two weeks ago he and I had a 'date', went to dinner, at Gameworks, won over 600 tickets, had split heart necklaces made (1/2 was ds name, 1/2 says momma)....
I dread taking him to the store because if I don't buy him something he says, you get to spend money on whatever you want and I get nothing. your mean, i don't like you, etc (mind you this is at the grocery store....yeah, I love buying milk, I cannot thing of anything I'd rather spend money on...it's everything I want)
When I do buy him things or make sure he has money to spend on himself, I am the best momma EVER, yada yada yada....
How do I deal with his jealousy toward his sister? How do we stop the whining/complaining for anything he doesn't see as 'fair'....we use rules and consequenses, natural consequenses, but I cannot take much more of my seven year old whining and when I ask him to please talk to me in a regular voice he screams in my face....AAARRRRGGGHHHH!
What else can I do???????

:

 

[Blu Razzberri]

Two weeks is a long time to wait for dates with mom. Why not try and find time twice a week (or at least once a week) and do something non-money oriented. Go bike riding or walk together. Take him only when you go to the grocery store. Stuff like that. Involve him in doing the things that he's jealous you do for your DD. Ask for his help in dressing her, and stuff like that.

Talk to him...find out if bio-dad is doing/saying stuff that's upsetting him.

Involve him in everything you can, like making dinner; and say repeatedly that you enjoy his company and appreciate his help.

I hope that gives you some idea's where to start. I remember being the oldest of 5 kids, and that's how I felt at about the same age. I just tried to remember what it is that I wanted when I complained about these things. I think that people fawn over and make a fuss about babies; and as a 7 year old, you think "man, not too long ago, that was me they made a big deal out of. WTH happened?"

~Vanessa~

PS: I'm ridiculously offended by your post, thanks for the apology.

(this is not me making fun of you, I promise, I just thought it was 'cute')

 

[Blu Razzberri]

PPS: I'll have cake please. I'm not a huge fan of Death.

....

: Ok, Ok, I'm done. I'm just in a silly mood; and thought I'd try and pass it on.

 

[robin4kids]

I know how you feel, but my situation is different. I have 5 kids and one exchange student. I get very tired of hearing "I have nothing to do.". I have told my kids that they need to find things to do, or I will give them a job. I also try to have an older kids game night once a week, after the younger ones are in bed. We play a lot of games together and in nice weather do outside activities. Winter is very hard, though. I can't buy my kids stuff all the time. I would recommend not buying as much for your ds. From my experience, it is never enough. You could buy them something and the very next day they will be asking for more, or telling you, you are mean and don't care about them.

As for you baby and the jealousy, I would try to involve him more in the care of the baby. Your ds does not yet see this baby as a playmate. In a few years if you encourage them, they could have a great friendship. Don't play into this jealousy. I remind my older ones that when they were a baby I too did all this stuff for them. I also remind them that the baby has to sit and watch them play soccer or go to swim lessons. The baby's life is not all fun and games. I also tell my kids that we are a team. Oh and remember that things are not always going to be fair. Baby may need a new pair of shoes, but ds may not need them. Don't buy him shoes or something else, because he says
it is not fair. I tell my kids that we buy things when we need them not when we want them. I don't have enough money to buy everyone a new pair of shoes every time.

As for being bored, well you do know that it is very healthy to be bored. It also takes kids along time to de-school. Unfortunately, by the time he starts to find things to do, he will need to go back to school. LOLS

 

[PajamaMama]

My brain is too muddy today to offer any good advice, but please accept my

and promise that it gets better as the littlest one gets older! I think older kids find it hard to compete with a cute little toddler that even strangers fawn and fuss over. (My girls are 8 years apart, I've been there!)

 

[limabean]

Quote:

Originally Posted by momma of monkeys He's been telling me that I only pay attention to his sister ... and I do nothing for him. His gma is taking him again this evening and tomorrow he goes to biodads....it was less than two weeks ago he and I had a 'date'...

It sounds like he's being pretty clear in telling you that he wants/needs more mama time. Maybe tonight gma could take the baby instead and you and DS could spend some time alone together?

I agree with the pp who said that 2 weeks is a long time for him to wait for a date with mom -- can you schedule something special with him more often? It doesn't have to be spendy, just special one-on-one time -- a picnic in the backyard or living room, feeding ducks at the lake, kicking a soccer ball around, playing board games and having popcorn, etc.

 

[momma of monkeys]

I guess a little more info is needed....I only have ds ONE weekend per month, he is with me during the week and at biodad's on three weekends per month. So date night during the week doesn't work out all the time. We did the shopping trip together, just ds & I on Tuesday....that was date-ish...

DS's biodad and I are doing the custody thing right now and biodad has been telling ds that I am going to get him put in jail, that my SO is a moron, SO and I are living in sin,(btw...he got married late last year and was living w/ his than SO for months prior to marrige...and it was okay for them???

)and I am a slut w/ tattoos, etc...his dad is buying ds big ticket items (like a quad), the list goes on....

:

So I *know* ds is going through some stuff right now...and I do give him lots of positive reinforcement. I ask him to help with his sister and he either jumps right in and wants to help or he says 'why do I always have to do everything'....and btw...ds is VERY smart...he already knows how to work adults...he overhears things sometimes and puts them into play ie you need to make time for me momma, I just need you to pay attention to me and make sure I know I am still special to you....which is from a conversation I had with his behavior coach...precocious eh?

I don't buy him stuff all the time he sure does act horrible when I don't though...and he also has a new habit of taking off in a store if he isn't either getting something or if I don't take him to a toy isle...even when I tell him that he will lose priviledges if he doesn't stay with me...he thinks it is funny to scare me, and yesterday he took off with dd asleep in the cart....when I asked him to please not take the cart with his sister in it he shook it and tried to wake her up because 'it's not fair that she gets to sleep and have a place to sit when he was too tired to walk around the store'...so I asked him if we should just go home instead of going to his friends house...he said, well, I won't be tired there....

Anyway, I am doing all I can to hang out with him, do special things with him, and so on...his attitude is lame...sorry I go on for so long....it's just getting out of hand....

Thanks for reading...I appreciate all of your input and advice mommas!

 

[momma of monkeys]

Quote:

Originally Posted by limabean It sounds like he's being pretty clear in telling you that he wants/needs more mama time. Maybe tonight gma could take the baby instead and you and DS could spend some time alone together? I agree with the pp who said that 2 weeks is a long time for him to wait for a date with mom -- can you schedule something special with him more often? It doesn't have to be spendy, just special one-on-one time -- a picnic in the backyard or living room, feeding ducks at the lake, kicking a soccer ball around, playing board games and having popcorn, etc.

it's not dd's gma...he just left w/ his gpa who is visiting from out of town, he is going to have dinner with his gma and g-gparents after (biodad's parents are divorced)....

Oh yeah, Monday we made dinner, a banana pudding pie, and put together a model skeleton....without dd, she was hanging out w/ her daddy....Tues was when we went shopping alone, wed we went to friends house, today is basically gparents day, tomorrow he goes to biodads, and next tues my mom and her husband will be here for two weeks.....believe me, this kid gets a lot of special time with a lot of people....he's done more in seven years than some people do their whole lives....he is neither attention or 'stuff' deprived....

 

[momma of monkeys]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Blu Razzberri Two weeks is a long time to wait for dates with mom. Why not try and find time twice a week (or at least once a week) and do something non-money oriented. Go bike riding or walk together. Take him only when you go to the grocery store. Stuff like that. Involve him in doing the things that he's jealous you do for your DD. Ask for his help in dressing her, and stuff like that. Talk to him...find out if bio-dad is doing/saying stuff that's upsetting him. Involve him in everything you can, like making dinner; and say repeatedly that you enjoy his company and appreciate his help. I hope that gives you some idea's where to start. I remember being the oldest of 5 kids, and that's how I felt at about the same age. I just tried to remember what it is that I wanted when I complained about these things. I think that people fawn over and make a fuss about babies; and as a 7 year old, you think "man, not too long ago, that was me they made a big deal out of. WTH happened?" ~Vanessa~ PS: I'm ridiculously offended by your post, thanks for the apology. (this is not me making fun of you, I promise, I just thought it was 'cute')

Quote:

Originally Posted by Blu Razzberri PPS: I'll have cake please. I'm not a huge fan of Death. .... : Ok, Ok, I'm done. I'm just in a silly mood; and thought I'd try and pass it on.

 

[jgmommo]

I just wanted to add that from what I've read and experienced with my 7 yr old dd, 7 is the age when the entire world is against you and nothing is fair. That's not to say all the time you spend with him and efforts you are making with him don't matter- I'm sure it helps- but part of his attitude may also just be his age.

 

[momma of monkeys]

Sheesh....I was hoping that the world wouldn't be against him until he was a teenager....

:

 

[ipfree]

Hope it gets better

s

 

[angela&avery]

I just wanted to say that I noticed with my ds, whom i just started allowing some video games and computer time, that when he gets off of it, he is VERY ornery, so we have eliminated it altogether for now. ... After playing games he is so nasty and cranky..... hten its dinner and time for bed and he gets mad as he "didnt have time to play".... it messes him up losing all that time to video games, it goes by really fast for him...
Just a thought.

Also when he gets unhappy, he is 5 and my dd is 3, so they play together, but if i notice him copping 'tude, i try to give him a hug, or hold him and see whats bothering him. Also, we play games with him. I just taught him to play skip-bo and we play uno.

Personally, i dont think the answer is more mom-dates, etc. Making your special time about going out and spending money every time seems to be a bad idea. I do this with my son once in a great while, but more special to him is getting to stay up a bit later than his little sister to hang out, watch a movie with mom and dad, or play a game.

I second gramma taking the little one so you can have some uninterrupted mom time..

Also, I wouldnt keep his days constantly structured with stuff to do, that actually could be making it worse bc he isnt used to entertaining himself.

 

[momma of monkeys]

It wasn't dds gma...it was ds' (my ex-MIL)....and he had a blast doing 'grandparents day' yesterday.

I don't force him to do crafts, or cook, or anything, it's pretty much always an option...I just try to leave choices there so if he IS bored there are things he can do.

He was an 'only' until just over a year ago and has always been very self entertaining....it does kinda bum me out when he goes into his room for hours on end and doesn't hang out with his family....anyway...

He is a really good kid for the most...and for all the garbage that adults put into his life he really is coping quite well...I would just like to curb the 'tude, kwim? And the entitlement issues (which his biodad has as well...major

)...

 

[angela&avery]

Quote:

Originally Posted by momma of monkeys It wasn't dds gma...it was ds' (my ex-MIL)....and he had a blast doing 'grandparents day' yesterday.

yes, but essentially, dds gma could take her sometime so you can have alone time with him?

 

[momma of monkeys]

Quote:

Originally Posted by angela&avery yes, but essentially, dds gma could take her sometime so you can have alone time with him?

DDs' gparents take usually take her 1 day per weekend...they work...and I only have ds ONE weekend per month. And they do take dd on that weekend so I can spend time w/ ds...

 

[maliceinwonderland]

When dd's dad kept buying her a bunch of crap, and she started whining to me about how "daddy buys me these things" I'd say cheerfully, "Hey, why don't you ask daddy about that next time you're over there?". Eventually he had to say no, as you can't constantly buy everything for a kid, and she realized I wasn't the bad guy, but money has a limit..even when your daddy is trying damn hard to be the cool parent

 

[momma of monkeys]

Quote:

Originally Posted by maliceinwonderland When dd's dad kept buying her a bunch of crap, and she started whining to me about how "daddy buys me these things" I'd say cheerfully, "Hey, why don't you ask daddy about that next time you're over there?". Eventually he had to say no, as you can't constantly buy everything for a kid, and she realized I wasn't the bad guy, but money has a limit..even when your daddy is trying damn hard to be the cool parent

I certainly hope we reach the 'limit' soon...

 

[momma of monkeys]

So today ds kicked a ball in the house...three times...and knocked stuff over...he pushed his sister on the floor and she has a bump on her head, he took things away from her and made her cry at least 6 times, he kicked her when I told him not to kick the ball. He snuck a donut (that a friend brought over) after I had let him have one already. He tried to kick out one of the sprinkler heads in the back. He threw a box at me, not that it hurt, it's just that he threw it for pretty much no reason. He locked me into the bathroom. He purposely woke dd up from her nap.

When I made him take a time out(time out at our house is taking five from the situation and thinking about how do it better next time, not facing the wall and in mild situations it's just sitting in his room) he screamed and said I was mean and pushed his sister....again...then he stuck his tongue out at me. Then while in time out he pulled the window cover off of the front door, opened the door and almost let dd out, the list goes on....I finally had to send him to his room....I told him I was so angry about his behavior that I just couldn't talk to him right then, he needed to give me a few minutes to collect my own thought....

He is at biodads for the weekend....any idea on what to do when he comes home? tia...

 

[allgirls]

I don't have much time to post but my oldest daughters had and still have a rough time because of their fathers mind games after our seperation and divorce. They still feel guilty for being nice to my new dh and have severe jealousy issues over my younger dd's.

I finally realised this was not within the scope of a normal parent and got some counselling for the behaviour I was seeing. My oldest refused but my 12 year old went and was helped quite a bit. I still see her using some of the coping mechanisms and impulse control tips she learned. She was about 9 at the time but I wish I had taken them right away.

I think, no matter how well a child seems to be coping with a separation, it always helps to have them have a person to talk to about their feelings other then the parents.

Your son is not coping well with the baby. It's just another change in his life he didn't ask for.

I feel for him..however...this cannot go on. He is allowed to have all the feelings..he just needs to learn a better way to deal with them.

If your ex would step up and say "don't treat your mother that way" he might stop. Putting down a child's parent is always destructive to the child...It doesn't sound like the ex is going to do that...but if he got a written recommendation from a therapist(maybe directed at both of you so as to not single him out and get his back up) saying it is damaging him he would stop.

I think you are doing a great deal for your son. I think you are going above and beyond. All we really need to be providing our children are food, clothing, shelter, warmth, respect and loving attention. Anything beyond that is a luxury.

Also...I would definitely put a stop to buying any material item that isn't a necessity except on birthdays and Christmas unless he earns the money himself to buy it.

Maybe a list of jobs with pay rates on them would help. He could earn some extra cash, buy the things he wants and it would take care of the boredom issue. In my house though, you can't do the "cash jobs" unless you have taken care of your responsibiliies first. If you haven't fed the cat, you can't get paid for washing the car for example.

Also, with regards to physical violence and name calling. I do what was suggested by the therapist my daughter saw.

I pick up and leave the room if my older kids do that. No reaction, just bored with a "not this again" look and I walk to my bedroom and lock the door. I stay there until it settles down. If I need to I take the little ones.

I have to say...after about 3 months of doing this it pretty much stopped with both kids. It still flares up occasionally but they know they can't wind me up and guilt me into stuff anymore.

Yelling at me, name calling and hitting are deal breakers after a certain age. I think 7 years olds are of that age.

Take care