[twin_mama]

I would love to hear some reassurance that this is somewhat normal.

Dh and I have twin 18 month old daughters. We just purchased a house a few months back and I watch few kids during the day to help supplement our income. I take care of the home, clean up, cook, pay the bills, etc.

I'm tired of this life. I'm tired of being responsible. I desperately miss my old life, before kids and dh. We "re-met" and got married three years ago and I truly did (and if I have to admit it, still do) feel like I was supposed to be with him, you know...soulmates and all.

I just feel so run down and not like my old self at all. I'm so irritated with dh lately. I don't want him to talk to me or touch me. I'd be happy if he just moved downstairs for awhile. He hasn't done anything wrong per se, I just want to be left alone. I don't want to have to communicate or share my feelings etc. I truly just wish I could be left alone for a long time.

Is this just what a marriage with young kids is like? We don't have the time or money for dates or anything like that. It's not like anything terrible has happened in our marriage....I just feel like checking out of it.

Perhaps this post should have gone in PPD? The girls are a bit old for that I suppose but after reading this over I feel like maybe I'm just depressed.

 

[iamama]

Find anyway possible to spend a few hours together alone and you'll start to remember why he is your husband. I don't get much time either but even walking through the park holding hands together makes me feel connected.

 

[1littlebit]

Quote:

Originally Posted by iamama Find anyway possible to spend a few hours together alone and you'll start to remember why he is your husband. I don't get much time either but even walking through the park holding hands together makes me feel connected.

: best advice in the world.

 

[Dandelionkid]

Yes- you do sound depressed. It's interesting how depression is often considered a "sad" feeling when, in reality, it often manifests as anger and irritability. Go see your GP ASAP.

 

[DanishMom]

Souns like stress (which is very much like depression in some ways). Sounds like you need time on your own too.

 

[brooks97]

You do sound depressed. PPD can happen even long after the kids were born. It is really overwhelming sometimes when the kids are really young, like at your daughters age.

Maybe every night when kids have gone to bed, carve an hour or two just the two of you sitting on the couch together and cuddle, and/or pop in a DVD. Let the chores go for a bit, they can wait.

 

[mamalisa]

Quote:

Originally Posted by twin_mama I just feel so run down and not like my old self at all. I'm so irritated with dh lately. I don't want him to talk to me or touch me. I'd be happy if he just moved downstairs for awhile. He hasn't done anything wrong per se, I just want to be left alone. I don't want to have to communicate or share my feelings etc. I truly just wish I could be left alone for a long time.

You have two little kids, you watch other kids, you cook, clean and caretake all day. OF COURSE YOU WANT TO BE ALONE!!! Heck, I only have one 3 year old home with me all day and I'd KILL some days to be alone.

First you should find a little time during the week to be alone. Even if it means pretending to poop for a half hour after your hubby gets home from work while you hide in the quiet bathroom. I bet if you have some time to clear your mind, wanting to be with your dh will come next.

 

[1littlebit]

i pretend to poop! it works for me! lol

 

[DanishMom]

Quote:

Originally Posted by mamalisa You have two little kids, you watch other kids, you cook, clean and caretake all day. OF COURSE YOU WANT TO BE ALONE!!! Heck, I only have one 3 year old home with me all day and I'd KILL some days to be alone. First you should find a little time during the week to be alone. Even if it means pretending to poop for a half hour after your hubby gets home from work while you hide in the quiet bathroom. I bet if you have some time to clear your mind, wanting to be with your dh will come next.

Yeah to that! You get burned out from interacting and taking care of others all the time.

 

[annethcz]

I agree that it's normal to feel burned out after caring for other people all day long. When my kids were toddlers, I used to spend 20 minutes driving to the post office by myself when DH came home. I also went grocery shopping by myself in the evenings- it was bliss to wander around in the quiet of the store for a few hours every week (plus it gave DH a chance to learn how to parent the kids and put them to bed while I was gone!)

For me, learning how to take care of myself was a good first step towards recovering some of my feelings for DH.

Also, if you're missing your pre-DH life, can you identify which parts you are missing the most? If it's the feeling of being free of responsibilities, is there any way for you to have a responsibility-free night every once in awhile? Either leave the kids with DH or find a babysitter, and get out for a night with friends doing all of the things you miss. I've started going out with friends more often, and it has added so much joy to my life. It feels so nice to be just me (and not someone's mom) for a few hours.

 

[Tizzy]

I don't know for sure, but I think it's a huge jump from "needing a break" to PPD.

Sometimes I feel like that too and I know I don't have PPD. Some days the kids are so needy, I struggle to keep the house in order, run errands, make meals etc. and at the end of the day DH comes home and wants to be affectionate. Even a hug can be irritating because I have had two littles hanging onto me ALL DAY and ALL NIGHT - I just need my own space.

What works for us is to go do something we liked to do pre-kids, but we'll take the kids with us. Something as simple as going for a walk, holding hands, flip through magazines after the kids are asleep, go for a drive, listen to a funny story on a CD or the radio etc.

Personally, I think it's normal to feel that way from time to time but it's not normal to let it consume your life.

 

[phatchristy]

To me, it sounds like you not only need some breaks for yourself, but it sounds like DH needs to have more responsibility at home. Any tasks he can be in charge of? You're doing so much...taking care of everything at home, your kiddos and other kids! That is TOO much. I would be burnt out!

And, no I think PPD is a stretch from this. I remember having times when I was overwhelmed and neede a break, but definitely did not have PPD! You need to tell DH what you need.

 

[Arduinna]

It sounds totally normal to me, given the situation and yes it gets better. Your kids will get older, become independant, start spending the night at friends houses and you will get more free time. It won't be for awhile though and it will be even longer if you have more kids.

 

[Lit Chick]

Sounds normal to me! In fact, last week I had a fit about that exact issue (wanting to be my old free self), told DH I needed a break, and got in the car, drove to the store, did some primal screaming on the way (luckily that road is low traffic and not near homes because I was LOUD), got some choco milk, came back home, cried a little, and then felt much better. That weekend, I got some new clothes and a new haircut, so I felt much less worn-down mom.
I also just got my 1st post-baby period today, so PMS likely had a hand in me feeling extra-horrible.

You need a little downtime - a little you time. If you have no $$ to give yourself a treat with, then make sure this weekend you have DH take the children out of the house, and take a long bath. A nap.
Or, leave the kids at home and go to the library alone and get some escapist books. Have DH help you get at keast 30 mins a day alone to read them (I do almost all my reading in the bathroom now, lol).
After you get a little time to yourself - and make sure that time is not spent doing mom things like laundry - then take that walk with DH, or have a snuggle when the twins are in bed.

All this is normal, and with just a lfew stolen minutes you should feel better. Hugs!!!!

Oh, and if you can, screaming feels awfully good.

 

[Tizzy]

I remembered another fav. pick me up for myself - escaping to the library!
I tucked the kids in (DH told me to leave sooner but I'm not so mean as to leave him with an over tired baby and needy toddler that both needed baths before bed) and headed into town. Made a quick stop at the grocery store for a necessity then hit up the library. It's a peaceful place, always nice people to talk to and it feels so luxurious to casually browse the shelves - not worrying about the time.
In all, I think I was gone for 40 minutes, but I felt so refreshed!

So I guess my suggestion is to find something YOU like to do yourself too, it doesn't have to be extravagant. As much as I would love a pedicure or whatever, sometimes there's so much less guilt if no $$ is involved too

Just please don't shut your DH out! Explain to him how you feel, let him know it's temporary and let him know that you're working on it. If he starts to build resentment, it'll be a whole lot harder to get out of the hole

 

[LionTigerBear]

I think it is depression (not much sense in differnetiating between PPD and "other" depression in my opinion, it is what it is). But that doesn't mean it's normal! Depression is often brought on by feeling powerless or stuck in a situation on op having little to take pleasure in in life. Nutritional facotrs often play something of a role, too. People often say "oh, depression is a chemical imbalance" which is ridiculous because every single thought is chemical and any unpleasant, non-functioning state of the brain could be considered an imbalance.

I like the book "Change Your Brain Change Your Life" by Daniel G. Amen, MD. My therapist told me about it, and it was more helpful than talk therapy for me. He discusses all kinds of approaches to depression and many other brain issues-- medication, nutrition, self-talk, alternative supplements, exercise, etc etc. Look, if you go to a regular doctor they won't discuss with you all of these different treatment options, they will go straight to a prescription, which may or may not work. (The depression medications don't work very well for a lot of people.)

Daniel G. Amen has a website, too, that you can check out, with free self-analysis quizzes on it and some other information-- but the book I mentioned above is so chock full of information (including the quizzes) it's definitely worth getting from the library.

 

[Leersia]

Mom of twins here, now 6 yo, but I remember 18 months as being very difficult, and if you're dealing with other kids during the day too, sheesh, yeah, you need a break. I remember feeling so tapped out that I just didn't want to have to respond to anyone - phone calls, the dogs, and yes, dh.

It does get better! You have some rough months (well, OK years perhaps) but hang in there - the kids get more independent and you will slowly get yourself back.

 

[mommy68]

Quote:

Originally Posted by DanishMom Souns like stress (which is very much like depression in some ways). Sounds like you need time on your own too.

ditto that! It's especially hard with really young ones in the house but if you have no major reasons to feel this way I think it will get better. I've been there in a similar situation. Hugs to you.

 

[Mama Dragon]

I call it being "touched out".... sounds like you really just need a regular break (an hour a day, a few hours on the weekend, at least)....I totally understand!

 

[Blu Razzberri]

Quote:

Originally Posted by 1littlebit i pretend to poop! it works for me! lol

Our small bathroom (the one without the bathtub); looks more like a small library.

.....I mean.......WHAT? How could you spend so much time in the bathroom when you have children who desperately need to hang off you and tell you every little detail about every little thing??

OP: It's normal to feel that way. On top of some alone time with your partner, get some alone time for yourself. Even if it's just a half hour holed up in your room with a book while your partner holds down the fort; or a walk; or a cup of coffee with a magazine or SOMETHING.