[carfreemama]

I blew up at DD this morning, and now she's in preschool. I think we made up, but I feel bad. I wonder how she's feeling?

It had to do with scheduling, or our family's inability (lack of desire, really), to follow a "routine." She goes to preschool 3 days a week and I work from home almost full-time. My schedule allows me to let her sleep in, play, and pretty much go to school when she's ready. It takes me ony 10 minutes to walk her there, she transitions easily and the teachers don't mind if we're late.

However, I DO have a job! The hide-and-seek etc. when it's time to brush teeth and get dressed REALLY got to me. I end up making up the time at night and then DD is upset because I don't want to read stories, because I'm WORKING. I guess I can answer my own question about scheduling...get ready first, then go ahead and dawdle while I work. Then we can go when she wants (within reason).

My real question here is, how do kids process arguments with their families? Especially when they go off to school or something right after? It wasn't THAT bad. It's just that I yelled at her and asked her why she was "making everybody late." She's FOUR. It's not her fault. I apologized on the way and told her what I wished I had done differently. She seemed fine. But she was crying pretty hard before that and I was pretty mad. If I'm upset enough to post on a chat board, what is she doing to cope? My husband says I make things worse by over-apologizing to DD. How do I know she's really okay?

 

[Magella]

I think it's important to remember that kids are resilient, and that they really do live very much in the present moment. I don't think that they dwell on things the same way we adults often do. I think it's okay to apologize, reconnect, and move on. I would be willing to bet that she's just fine, and that she's moved on from it already. She's probably playing happily.

And you can always make some time to play with her and reconnect when she comes home. Connection is good medicine for both of you.

It doesn't feel good. I've been there.

 

[quietserena]

What OP said.

Also, sometimes it's important for kids to see that adults get upset too and this is how they learn how to handle emotions like that. You end up being a role model either way.

Is 4 old enough to talk about this and see if she has ideas on how to fix things that are frustrating? Mine's only two so I don't know whether that sort of thing is there yet. But sometimes they've got great ideas!

 

[carfreemama]

Thanks for the replies. Yes, dd would be GREAT at working out solutions. I am deep into How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk. I am LOVING that book! Finally, a script!

Dd has been described as an "old soul" by many people. She tries really, really hard all the time, with everything she does. I think that's partly why I feel so bad. She was so contrite today. I'd hate to think my yelling worked. It's ME who needs to calm down when those things happen. I guess I didn't realize how frustrated I am by this schedule thing. Working at home is such a blessing, but it's challenging too. We don't HAVE to be out the door at a given time, so it's harder to see where the boundaries need to be. I think if I had just chased her a few times in play this morning, you know, or pretended to search for her behind the door instead of telling her to "stop fooling around," we would have been out of there, happily at least 15 minutes sooner. OTOH, I really DO want her to pick up the pace a bit. I obviously don't have enough patience with this right now to make a game out of everything. She gets lots of leeway about when she does things, considering we are a family with 2 parents working full-time. Of course, she doesn't get that. How could she? Boy, are we going to have to change next year if she's going to go to school!!! ('nother story. We'd be such perfect homeschoolers)!

 

[COVegMom]

I agree with the others, kids are resilient and taking some extra time to reconnect is a great idea. I think you can over-apologize (I tend to do this too). It is more healthy to model making a sincere apology and forgiving yourself and moving on.

I have worked at home before, and still do sometimes. Even though I do not have a strict schedule that I have to follow, I find it much easier on ds and I if I keep us to a more predictable schedule. I give us a 20-30 minute flex in our morning routine, but more than that makes me frustrated, makes things unpredictable for ds, and just generally decends into chaos. I have decided that self-imposed structure is ok. And it is all the sweeter when it is truly your own decision to have the schedule.

If you think your dd would have some input on how she would like mornings to be, I think that would be a great way to address what happened in a constructive manner and to reconnect by problem solving together.