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Hello ladies,

On December 5, 2008, at eight weeks and five days, my DH & I lost our precious baby, Aiden Taylor.
This is the most awful thing that has happened to me, especially since we tried for almost a year and a half to conceive. My OB gave me the option of waiting for the baby to pass, or I could have a D&C. I needed this to be over, and I couldn't bear to see my baby's remains, so I chose to have a D&C. The day of the surgery, I checked my e-mail shortly before I left for the hospital, and a supposed "friend" of mine sent me a nasty e-mail, saying I had no right to give the baby Taylor for a middle name, because that is her nephew's name (my husband and I chose a unisex name because we didn't know, nor were we planning to, find out the gender). I was grieving enough as it is, and this was beyond a cruel blow. But this was just the beginning.

My older sister, who was always been my best friend and protector, sent out an e-mail to our family and friends explaining that I was having surgery and that my husband and I needed time and space to grieve. She also gave suggestions of what people should not say to us because even though people mean well, they can often say hurtful things without realizing it. She was trying to protect us from this.

Well, this woman who yelled at me about her nephew's name, and her sister-in-law (another aunt to the same nephew, who incidentally happens to be my godson), both told my sister she was rude, offensive, and they were just downright horrible to her. They have sent repetitive e-mails verbally attacking her, and now one of them sent an e-mail to me to make sure that not only am I included on the verbal attacks, but now she's going after my mother as well!
I obviously realized these women were never true friends to begin with, and they are immediately cut from my life. I am normally a peacemaker and a forgiving person, but I cannot forgive how cruel they have been to my family. One of them even went through a miscarriage herself a number of years ago, so I expected her of all people to empathize.

Other than the experience with these two women, everyone has been beyond kind, compassionate, and thoughtful to my family and me. I still cannot get past the fact that anyone could be so hurtful and cruel when I am going through the most painful time in my life. It is absolutely incomprehensible.

I am having such a hard time dealing with everything that is happening. I am often still in shock. It still hasn't hit me that when July of next year is here, I will not be bringing home a baby. What's even harder is that the baby was due two days before our wedding anniversary. Minor things hit me when I least expect it. For instance, when I was going through my checkbook and found an appointment card for my next scheduled ultrasound, I lost it. I also had to go back to the E.R. after excessive bleeding following my D&C. While in the waiting room, a woman came into the hospital who was in labor. I broke down & couldn't stop crying. Some days I feel like I'm going to be fine. Other days, I feel like I can't go on. I knew from the moment I found out we lost Aiden that I was in for a very unpredictable emotional roller coaster of pain and grief.

What I never in a million years expected is that two people who I was stupid enough to previously think were my friends would turn so cruelly against my family and me. I cannot even begin to process this. I feel like I'm back in elementary school, and the kids are bullying me on the playground all over again.

I'm sorry to vent about this. I have heard many things about the grieving process, which I went through before when I lost my baby sister when I was eight, but this one just blindsided me. I feel so despondent and so hopeless, and I really appreciate you taking the time to listen to me.

God bless you,
Kristin
 

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I am sorry that there are people who are being so mean and insensitive to you.
 

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first of all, i am so very sorry for your loss and the pain you are feeling. i'm glad that you do have supportive people in your life. that was very sweet of your sister to send out that email.

as for those other women, they sound like incredibly selfish and toxic people. i'm glad you have cut them out rather than try to appease them. nobody owns a baby name
 

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Kristin,

First, I am sorry to hear of your loss.


Three or four days before we lost our son in October, I had gotten into a disagreement over politics with my best friend of many years. She was also set to be the Godmother to our other son after us returning to the Church after a long absence. We had been through a LOT together and this was such a petty disagreement. We have mutual friends who told her that our son had died but to this day she has yet to speak to me again or acknowledge me in any way, despite me sending her a note asking her why.

Her absence and her silence while I have gone through this have spoken volumes to me about who she is as a person. Unfortunately, it has also added another dimension to my grief as I have grieved the loss of my friend as well as the loss of my son. There was a period of time where I was very hatefully angry at her. It was almost consumptive in nature, this anger and sense of being wronged that I carried. At some point I realized that I was making her the scapegoat for all of my pain and grief because it was easy and readily available. My son deserves more than that--he deserves to be grieved in his own right rather than lumped into a whole pile of crap that this small person I thought was my friend dished out. I have to (to this day) consciously let my anger for her go so that I can get through my grieving process instead of being hung up on what she should have and could have done.

I don't have any words of wisdom and I am sorry that your friends have treated you so badly. Take time to be sure that you aren't allowing your anger for them to overshadow your healing process. You are still very fresh in your grief so this may not make sense yet. You and your baby deserve focus in grief, not to be eaten up by anger for people who don't matter and who obviously are not worth a second of your time. I am not saying you don't deserve to be angry--just don't let it eat you up like I did.

Love to you.
 

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People can be so awful sometimes. I am so sorry that they treated you like this. The last think you need at a time like this is to be dealing with someone else's drama. I agree with lisa_nc. Be angry--you have every right to be--but then let it go. If you can.
to you.
 

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no one deserves to be treated so horribly.. i'm sorry you had to deal with them.
 

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yeah, I'm also sorry you are having to deal with them on top of all the stuff in your OWN life.

hugs
 

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That's awful they are treating you that way. I'm so sorry for your loss and the way you're being treated.
 

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I had two m/c in 07 one I found out at 16 weeks, Ava, one at 8 Ben. With my last child Fiona, when we found out she was a she, we wanted to name her Ava. About a week before she was born, we decided that was not okay, we already had a baby named Ava. So we named her Fiona, with Ava as a middle name honoring her big sis.

Fast forward my SIL had her baby 2 months after Fiona was born and named her Ava. She told me this before her child was born, that she was thinking about the name. I told her how we already had an Ava in the family and how bad it would hurt my feelings. She did it anyways. She told me at around when she was 8 months pregnant she already had a bracelet with the name Ava on it. I wanted to tell her 'yeah, I have an angle statue in my memorial garden where Ben is buried with the name Ava on it'.

I first I was working on forgiveness. But then I relized no one was sorry. I think situations like this really help you know who is really there for you.

Sorry I didn't mean to hijack this thread. Aiden Taylor is a beautiful name. They should be honored if anything.
 

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Hugs to you. These awful situations bring out the best and worst in people. It really helps us to learn our friends' true colors.

Write down what you're feeling to them in a letter. Put it away for a while and then go back and read it. If it is still valid then send it. If not, you've gotten it off your chest and you don't have to waste any more energy on them.

Now, if I was your mom or sister I'd be a bit more tempted to give them back a piece of my own mind. But, I digress...

People can be tty - but they can also be great. Focus on the support and love that you've felt through this. Find your comfort there and know that you are loved and prayed for. So many others grieve with you.
 

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I am so sorry. I lost a great many friends.. "friends" when I went through my first miscarriage, and loosing people I thought I could count on to support and love me made the pain of loosing my babies all the more magnified. I am so sorry, and I hope you can soon forget the added pain they caused you.
 
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