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It seems like every single time I turn the TV on there is another pregnancy test commercial mocking me, baby this and that, and to top it off my best friend called me a few days ago to tell me she's 11 weeks along and today I found out my cousin is expecting again too!!! Now don't get me wrong, I am THRILLED for my girlfriend and my cousin. I actually did a happy dance when my girlfriend called me. They went through an early loss before this baby and I am sooo happy for them!! I feel sooo ashamed to admit this, but I did have a slight twinge of jealousy and envy when I found out. We lost Ivy around New Years. She would have been born around May 1 had everything gone the way we had hoped. I just couldn't help it. I just feel so guilty! We are going to TTC again anytime now. I'm beyond scared and anxious for the next pregnancy. For us it's not the getting pregnant, it's staying pregnant. One earlyish loss, then our little rainbow baby Willow, another early loss, and then sweet little Ivy.......I'm just kind of hitting a freak out moment. I'm so anxious about yet another loss. I try to keep telling myself that odds are that next time will be a winner. I'm so hoping that 2010 is a better year. 2009 was terrible for us in so many ways, not just because of our lost babies. I'm REALLY hoping that all the pregnancy related "stuff" is a good sign for us!!! After we lost baby one I felt like everywhere I turned there was another commercial, another pregnant lady, another.....SOMETHING pregnancy related! It was really kind of uncanny!! Turns out I was pregnant with Willow.
I hadn't even gotten AF after my D&E. I've never been supersticious(sp?) but lets hope that everything going on right now is a good sign for us!! I just need to breathe....we can have healthy children....we just need to hope for this next time around. OK I'm done ranting now. I just needed to kind of get it out!! Hope everyone is keeping warm!!
 

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After Lachlan died I didn't feel just a little twinge of jealousy towards other people's pregnancies, I felt HUGE ugly guttural amounts of jealousy towards all the pregnant women and babies that seemed to be EVERYWHERE. I dreaded hearing the news of friend's pregnancies. I just couldn't be happy for them. I'm still a bit jealous of pregnant women now, even though I'm pregnant myself. Somehow I feel like they'll get their baby, but I just have a hard time believing that my baby will live. Perhaps this will change one day when I bring home a rainbow baby.

I'm hoping for you that soon you'll have a very uneventful pregnancy and a beautiful take home rainbow baby.
 
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