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Discussion Starter #1
<p>THREE WEEKS! My baby has been dead for three weeks now and I can't keep going on like everything is FINE! I took two days after my baby died to get myself together and then I jumped right back into housework, homeschooling, dinner on the table every night etc. For the past three weeks I've been waiting for my baby to come out so I can just take another couple of days to rest. Every day it's getting harder. My mother lives with us but is gone half of the week for work, when she is here she either ignores me or comes up to my part of the house and says insensitive things (like "I've never known someone to be upset after a miscarriage" or "I'm sorry you've felt so bad for days and days and days......") She is not trying to hurt me she is just extremely inept when it comes to sympathy. My husband <em>tries</em>, but he gets upset if I don't respond or perk up and he gives up on me. He is used to me making all the decisions (he's extremely laid back) and he can't seem to stop asking me how to do things or what he should do even though I am a total mess who can barely decide what to make for dinner. I have two friends that I talk to on the phone, I have none in real life. My one friend calls every day to talk about herself and while I'm usually there for her to give advice and cheer her up I just CAN"T DO IT RIGHT NOW! And my other friend.... I can't even talk to her and try hard not to. She is pregnant but doesn't want to be and every time I talk to her she says something horrible to me. The other day she told me she wished she could have a baby for me. While I am sitting here with my dead baby inside my womb she tells me that she wishes SHE could carry my baby for me.... because obviously I'm not able to do it right? It ticked me off sooooo bad because my miscarriages have NOT been because there is an issue with me but she had to imply that they were. And twice now she has told me how worried she is about her pregnancy and frankly I don't think she actually is, I think she is saying it to put the focus on her. I want so badly to have someone to just talk to that gets it and doesn't say things to hurt me. Why is it so hard to understand that a woman who has just lost her baby does not want to hear about your pregnancy or your trouble with your boyfriend or how she's so abnormal for being so sad?! I have gone off my husband several times today and I honestly don't even want to look at him now. I am so hurt and no one seems to get it. Why is it hard to understand that a woman would be upset that her baby died and that three weeks (with the baby still inside her) may not be enough for her to bounce back to normal? I'm just so sad today.</p>
 

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<p>:hugs I'm so sorry. I can't imagine having to get up and do "normal" days after losing a child. Do you have caller ID? Can you just not answer the phone for a while? I'm sorry people don't get it.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>It sounds like your husband needs you to tell him how to help you. Maybe you can have him take the kids out for an all-day trip to the park, zoo, or whatever and just veg? </p>
<p> </p>
<p>I'm sorry.</p>
 

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Discussion Starter #3
<p>I do have caller ID and I don't answer most of the time the thing is I get trapped on facebook! my pg friend catches me on there and tells me these things and then gets off real fast... it feels really weird like she is just popping on to hurt me and then go away real fast. my other friend will just call me like 7 times a day if I don't answer and when she finally does get a hold of me it's not like "I was so worried about you!" it's like me:"hello" her: "ok, so I blah blah blah, me me me" Am I just nuts for thinking that these people are being insensitive?</p>
<p>My husband would help so much more if he could but we run a small landscaping business and we can not afford time off. He's really great physically, he will do whatever I ask of him it's just that he's the only person I have to talk to and he's totally unable to do it. I need emotional support from him but he either gets flustered because I'm not cheering up or he totally crumbles himself. I feel so bad for being so mean to him today, we've both been through so much in the past year. It's our anniversary in eleven days... it's so unfair that we will be spending it mourning a baby.</p>
<p>Thank you for the hugs and acknowledgment, mama, it means so much right now just to not be snapped at.</p>
 

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<p>I am so so sorry to hear what you are going through.  I have really come to BELIEVE that people do not know how to handle a woman who has lost a baby.  Even our husbands, parents, friends, etc....they just don't.  I have greatly lowered my expectations in that area.  Even my own father, who is so very close with me, hasn't said a WORD...it's an uncomfortable thing I guess.  My mother and MIL both said "how many times are you going to do this"?   REALLY ?  that was the most sympathetic thing they could come up with ??  </p>
<p> </p>
<p>My husband needs me to tell him exactly what I want or I'm thinking.  I used to think "if he cared, he would ask me this, or do this" etc etc. But I realized that we don't operate on the same levels.  I know have decided that if I want him to know something or do something, then I have to TELL him exactly.....then if he screws up i can have a fit <img alt="smile.gif" class="bbcode_smiley" src="http://files.mothering.com//images/smilies/smile.gif"> (jk).  Maybe try being very specific with your DH.  Men are clueless about a lot of things....but if given some direction it helps. They WANT to help and please us, I believe. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>As for your "friends".  they dont really sound like such great friends to me.  I am like you in that I dont' have many friends in real life...but the kind of friends you describe aren't even worth too many phone calls.  A friend should be helping you grieve, cooking meals, taking your kids out for a few hours, letting you cry in their arms.  </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Keep coming here....at least it's a release and we are all woman who understand what you are going through in one way or another. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>sending love. </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
 

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Discussion Starter #5
<p>Oh man that from your mom and MIL is exactly what I fear hearing. It's like I can hear everyone thinking it about me. "How many times is she going to try? Doesn't she know her babies just die?" I am so sorry that someone actually said that to you.</p>
<p>You are totally right about my husband. He does want to help and normally things are okay; it's just the days when I can't talk. The days when my thoughts are so dark and so jumbled that I literally can't tell him how I feel or what I need because it would come out like "My baby, my baby is dead I want my baby why am I alive i'm not being a good mom i can't even look at my kids i want to sleep i want to get drunk i want to run away i need to scream am i screaming am i dead is he talking to me why is this happening how is this me?" And if he knew the thoughts in my head he would be even more confused.</p>
<p>You are right about my friends too, they are not being good friends right now. I am always the counselor, the one that they call with their troubles and I help them. It's what I am to everyone really my mom and hubby included. I am this uber strong personality with all the answers that helps everyone and I just attract people that need/want that to me. And when I fall apart none of them know what to do.</p>
<p>I am so grateful for this place where we can be strong and supportive for each other and have others there when we are the ones falling apart.</p>
 

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<p>I am so sorry the people you depend on have failed you so completely just when you need them most.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Husbands have such a hard time because they want more than anything to make everything right. I know the helplessness drives my DH crazy. I always tell him, "I know you can't fix it. Nobody can. I just need you to hold me while I cry." That seems to help him a lot, and he's not so uncomfortable with my grief when he knows I don't expect him to say or do anything except be there.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I've also lost two babies on my wedding anniversary, 10/18. It seems to add insult to injury to mar a happy day with grief, but it can also bring you closer together if you can be free to be happy or sad or even crying together. I'm sorry...I know it really hurts.</p>
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<p>Can you turn your FB chat off until this is over? You don't need your insensitive pg friend making this more difficult for you. A friend that is hurting you, whether intentionally or not, is not the kind of person you need to be dealing with right now.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I wish you lived next door to me because I would love to come sit on your couch and let you cry and tell me how much this sucks...</p>
 

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Discussion Starter #7
<p>How do you turn off FB chat? I noticed that some of my friends post (not from mobiles) things but never show up in chat. I would LOVE to be able to hide on FB.</p>
<p>I wish I could say that to my husband; it's really honestly what I feel most of the time. I just have such a hard time being vulnerable it makes me angry, and having to ask for help is like a nightmare to me. He actually did sit down and hold me for a minute today but then he put his head on my chest and I pushed him away. I felt like he was trying to get comfort from me and I just didn't feel like I had anything in me to give right then. I think I am just looking for perfection from him and he's obviously going to fail at that. I just wish he would look into educating himself about grief support somehow. He comes from a family that barely spoke about deep issues so he honestly has no clue how to deal with emotions. I am too hard on him.</p>
<p>Thank you all so much for these responses you are all really confirming the things I know but have been trying to deny.</p>
 

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<p>Yeah, I can relate to that too. I feel like people think that after three losses, I should just expect another loss. And that I am irresponsible for trying.</p>
<p>I even got that after two losses. You would never fathom that such a tragedy could evoke so much judgement from people.</p>
<p>It's particularly rough when you are still "pregnant". My boss said to me "So are you still pregnant or not?" Well, thanks for asking. Technically I am still pregnant although I am carrying around a dead baby. Rude.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Anyway. As for FB chat, down in the bottom corner where the chat window is, you can change it to "appear offline" or somethine similar. It's like invisible mode. Personally, I NEVER have FB chat online.<br><span>Quote:</span></p>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>KristaDJ</strong> <a href="/community/forum/thread/1278723/i-can-t-take-this#post_16038063"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border-bottom:0px solid;border-left:0px solid;border-top:0px solid;border-right:0px solid;"></a><br><br><p>Oh man that from your mom and MIL is exactly what I fear hearing. It's like I can hear everyone thinking it about me. "How many times is she going to try? Doesn't she know her babies just die?" <span style="display:none;"> </span></p>
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Discussion Starter #9
<p>How did I never see that? I swear these m/c's are ten times worse than pregnancy brain, I can hardly think sometimes. Thank you so much.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I actually felt that attitude after my first loss. Instead of congratulations I got "hope this one sticks"..... yeah duh me too but can't you just congratulate me? With this one I told almost no one and carefully chose who I told so the reactions were okay... besides pg friend who told me a couple of months into the pg that she was afraid I was going to loss this one too.</p>
<p>Someone should write a book on how to support women through pregnancy/birth/infant loss and on what not to do/say. And there should be a charity that mails copies of it to friends and family of mothers suffering loss. It would be so much easier if people dealt with this with the same respect and care that they do other losses.</p>
 

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<p>I'm sorry. I agree with the PP that people just don't know what to say or do. I was so angry and bitter about it and I still am when it comes right down to it.  People say and do the stupidest most insensitive things and it has sent me off the deep end emotionally more times than I can count.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I'm so sorry you are dealing with all of this <img alt="" src="http://files.mothering.com/hug2.gif" style="width:38px;height:16px;" title=""></p>
 

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<p>Three weeks is not very long to adjust to the loss of your baby. Cut yourself some slack and demand that others do, too. And not to frighten you.. but I was a wreck for a least six months after my stillbirth. This  takes time to process all the bad feelings. And suddenly, you will think you are doing better and slam! .. something will put you there all  raw and weepy again. Be kind to yourself.  Start a journal or break some thrift store plates in the yard. Do what it takes to get the bad feelings out without hurting yourself.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>So sorry for your loss.</p>
 

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<p>I'm so so sorry you're going through this. You should be able to hide under your covers for as long as you need to. :hugs</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I came across this resource that might be helpful (all the way from New Zealand!)</p>
<p><a href="http://www.miscarriagesupport.org.nz/helping.html" target="_blank">http://www.miscarriagesupport.org.nz/helping.html</a></p>
<p> </p>
<p>Wish there was more I could do!</p>
 

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<br><br><div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>KristaDJ</strong> <a href="/community/forum/thread/1278723/i-can-t-take-this#post_16038180"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a><br><br><p>I wish I could say that to my husband; it's really honestly what I feel most of the time. I just have such a hard time being vulnerable it makes me angry, and having to ask for help is like a nightmare to me. He actually did sit down and hold me for a minute today but then he put his head on my chest and I pushed him away. I felt like he was trying to get comfort from me and I just didn't feel like I had anything in me to give right then. I think I am just looking for perfection from him and he's obviously going to fail at that. I just wish he would look into educating himself about grief support somehow. He comes from a family that barely spoke about deep issues so he honestly has no clue how to deal with emotions. I am too hard on him.</p>
<p> </p>
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<p><br>
Would you consider writing down what you need? You could make a simple list so it's not overwhelming to a man's brain. That way you're not really asking for help...you're just jotting down a few thoughts about how hard this is, and how you need a little extra help in these areas for a while, and how much you appreciate your DH for being there for you. You're not being hard on him. He's your life partner, and you depend on him for support. You have very real needs that are not being met. It sounds like you are such a strong person, and ironically that makes this even harder because I know it goes against your grain to have to reach out and seek help from others.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Thinking of you...</p>
 

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Discussion Starter #14
<p>Thank you for that link, that's a pretty good one. I'll be sharing that on FB.</p>
<p>About writing down what I need him to do; it seems  to change every day. We've had so many conversations about what I need (this is our third loss) but I don't need the same thing all the time. He just always seems to select the wrong thing from what I have told him in the past; he seems to have no feel for my mood or what I am in need of. He is great physically around the house, he will honestly do everything on his own if I don't do it; he learned that with my first m/c. It's just emotionally he is clueless and I'm so unstable I don't even know what I need sometimes. I feel better today than I did yesterday, hope fully this day will not be so hard. Thank you mamas for all the love and suggestions <3</p>
 

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<p>How could you possibly not be off-kilter? You are trying to function normally during an <em>abnormal</em> situation. :hug Why the people around you cannot understand this is ridiculous. I am sorry that they are not there for you.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I remember during my 45-day wait during my "missed miscarriage" (I hate that term) feeling like a vessel of death. And, I had not even felt movement from within. It was the opposite of what pregnancy is supposed to feel like. We are supposed to be lit up by the precious little life that is pulsating and illuminating us from within. Glowing. But, carrying a dead baby inside is just tragic. It is dark and inexplicably complicated emotionally. I remember listening to people complain about stupid, petty little things and wanted desperately to scream, "SHUT UP! MY BABY IS DEAD! I don't care about your bad haircut or your lost cat or your jerky boyfriend..."</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I have not been on facebook much lately because seeing the (mostly negative) updates from my FOUR pregnant friends is too much. Again, I am so sorry that the ones around you don't get it. You are incredibly strong and courageous for caring for your little ones in the face of such challenges.</p>
 

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Discussion Starter #16
<p>45 days huh? Did you miscarry (sorry I hate to use that term too) naturally then? I'm starting to feel like my body is never going to do this even though I know I'm still in the normal range. It's just so taxing knowing that I am going to start labor and birth my baby soon but that everyday inside me the baby is breaking down rather than growing and preparing for life outside.</p>
<p>I totally feel like that about the stupid complaints, it all seems so trivial in comparison. I don't know how I will ever tolerate women complaining about not wanting to be pregnant anymore; this feeling of not wanting to be pregnant anymore is so much worse than just being at the end of your healthy pregnancy.</p>
<p>I have my husband who does try to understand, I think he tries to pretend that things aren't as bad as they are to protect himself. At times he crumbles too and I honestly don't think he's strong enough to face it head on like I do so most of the time he's just blocking it. No one helps as much as you guys though, the support and validation from women who've been there means so much <3</p>
 

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<p>people can be real assholes</p>
<p>I "knew" it before, but now I know it</p>
<p>I'm sorry</p>
 

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<br><br><div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>KristaDJ</strong> <a href="/community/forum/thread/1278723/i-can-t-take-this#post_16040757"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a><br><br><br><p>I have my husband who does try to understand, I think he tries to pretend that things aren't as bad as they are to protect himself. At times he crumbles too and I honestly don't think he's strong enough to face it head on like I do so most of the time he's just blocking it. No one helps as much as you guys though, the support and validation from women who've been there means so much <3</p>
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<p>For a start, he can <em>never</em> understand. It doesn't happen to them. They are removed from it in a lot of ways.</p>
<p>From my experience, I know that DP 'pretended' a lot because he is a fixer. He hated to think that I was hurt/angry/upset/etc, and it was out of his control. There wasn't anything he could do.</p>
<p>I know that he <em>hates</em> to see me cry. Even though he knows that sometimes I just need to, it makes him feel so helpless.</p>
<p>He has even come along to my counsellor with me too, but we both have to accept that it will never be the same for us.</p>
<p>For example, I hated that he went back to work, back to his routine so easily, but it wasn't til later that I found out that he needed to keep busy to keep his mind off it.</p>
<p>It felt like he didn't care, but he was just trying to cope the only way he knew how.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I spose what I'm trying to say is that no-one can understand, except someone who has been there.</p>
<p>Which is why I love this board.</p>
<p>:hug</p>
 

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<p>Hi Krista~</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Just wanted to say I'm thinking of you today. <span><img alt="hug2.gif" src="http://files.mothering.com/images/smilies/hug2.gif"></span></p>
 

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Discussion Starter #20
<p>Thanks ladies, today was so much better with him home. I've started some herbs to try to nudge things along here. I just want my baby out before he/she's too broken down and I'm really just ready to not be pregnant with a dead baby anymore.</p>
 
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