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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Can you shed some light? Obviously, it's taking a huge toll on our relationship. He is totally respectful of my feelings and we are very honest with each other so he knows where I'm at. It just makes me feel so sad. My children should see happy, loving parents. Instead it feels like the only affection that exists comes from DH. Can anyone help?<br><br>
Thanks,<br>
Laura
 

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Can you give a little more info? Losing attraction can come from lots of things. To name a few:<br>
- physical reasons, like hormonal issues or depression or extreme stress<br>
- emotional reasons in the marriage, such as undealt with anger or hurt<br>
- emotional reasons connected to your past, which could be all sorts of things depending on your individual past; for example, feeling unloved and then choosing people who couldn't love you again and again and then deciding to choose someone who will love you but you wind up struggling with feeling attracted (I hope that made sense)<br><br>
Did you ever feel attracted to him or is this new?
 

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Not to go into alot of history but I had a lot of unresolved issues about my dad and men in general and I felt distant from my husband when I had small children. If you think this may be affecting your relationship with your dh, you may try some therapy to explore certain feelings you may be having.<br>
Fast forward to today in my life and we are more in love and attracted to each other than ever so try to figure it out-it is well worth the effort. We've been married for 33+ years and there is ebb and flow and lots of learning and growing together.
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
Ok. Thanks for the replies. Let me elaborate. I, too, have a lot of unresolved issues about men and love, in general. I have a past of emotional/physical/sexual abuse. My husband is a wonderful man. Without him I don't think I would be where I am today. He deserves something in return, though. I just don't know how to show him I love him. He's willing to wait forever until I figure it out and I truly believe that he will. I just can't feel good about him being unhappy in our relationship.<br><br>
Thanks again
 

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Sounds like therapy might be very useful. Meanwhile, it might help to look more closely at who you do feel attracted to. What sort of person is this? Is it a person who will love you the right way? The answer to questions like these will probably show you the start of what you need to know.
 

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I will say this for your sake. I was sexually abused as a child and as a woman I felt I would never be able to reconcile love feelings and sexual feelings into something my dh and I could live with. It took alot of exploration in therapy and courage to keep trying with my dh. I even had a sort of mantra I would say to myself to allow myself to feel good without feeling guilty. My mantra was simply "its not bad to feel good".<br>
I can't say to you, "work at it, it will get better". I can just say I am so happy I stuck with it and I can now say I really know what love is and I can feel it deep inside, and give it without reservation. It was worth all the hard work and tears.
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
Thanks so much. I think therapy would be useful. However, how can I with three little ones four years old and younger? How could I find time? I totally understand the importance and benefit to my whole family to go to therapy but I don't even have a babysitter. I suppose I could ask my mom although she hates to do it. I even have a therapist from way back that I really resonate with.
 

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I was in therapy for several years so at times my dh would take care of the children while I went at night. At times, I hired a babysitter. There were even times when I had therapy on the phone or took a small child with me. Towards the end of the therapy, the children were in school when I went.<br>
I believe for most people suffering from childhood sexual abuse, therapy is a must because your loving feelings for a trusted grown-up become entangled in sexual feelings, pain and mistrust. It really has a tremendous affect on your future love relationships and causes intense anxiety at times. I was diagnosed with PTSD.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>sophiesgrandma</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/9864988"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Not to go into alot of history but I had a lot of unresolved issues about my dad and men in general and I felt distant from my husband when I had small children. If you think this may be affecting your relationship with your dh, you may try some therapy to explore certain feelings you may be having.<br>
Fast forward to today in my life and we are more in love and attracted to each other than ever so try to figure it out-it is well worth the effort. We've been married for 33+ years and there is ebb and flow and lots of learning and growing together.</div>
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I love it when grandmas post. So much experience and usually different POVs.
 

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<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>sophiesgrandma</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/9865465"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I believe for most people suffering from childhood sexual abuse, therapy is a must because your loving feelings for a trusted grown-up become entangled in sexual feelings, pain and mistrust. It really has a tremendous affect on your future love relationships and causes intense anxiety at times.</div>
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Absolutely.<br><br>
I would definitely recommend therapy, especially if you have a therapist whom you already trust! For practical purposes, it sounds like it will be difficult with the little ones. Brainstorm it with your DH about how you could make it work for you to go an hour a week.<br><br>
Also, FWIW, as sophiesgrandma pointed out, in all relationships there are ebbs and flows. Well, with 3 kids under 4... this is naturally a difficult time! Don't be too hard on yourself. Be loving and kind to yourself. You deserve it.<br><br>
Good luck. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>herbalmommy</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/9865345"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Thanks so much. I think therapy would be useful. However, how can I with three little ones four years old and younger? How could I find time? I totally understand the importance and benefit to my whole family to go to therapy but I don't even have a babysitter. I suppose I could ask my mom although she hates to do it. I even have a therapist from way back that I really resonate with.</div>
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You have 3 los under 4? From my experience that is more than enough to feel touched out, unable to give affection, and not attracted to your partner. I've BTDT.<br><br>
If you have unresolved abuse issues then therapy is needed, but you are probably always exhausted, physically and emotionally as well.
 

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I'm in the same boat, and it's not a-rockin'. I haven't been the slightest interested in attention from DH or in giving it since I had my child 13m ago. I am still BFing and that is a big factor I am told. However, this makes not a bit of difference to DH as it still hurts his feelings that I don't want anything to do with him in that way. I am not mean about it and don't tell him that I am not attracted to him right now, I just remind him that I don't feel like physical affection and that it has to do with the BFing and my hormones. I do give in to sex at least 2 a week but he begs every day--not to mention that sometimes I'd rather stab myself in the eye with a hot poker than have him touch me. It's very upsetting to consent to sex when you feel that way, I try to avoid it but sometimes cannot. I hate the situation and sometimes I want to just yell at him to stop asking.<br>
I know how hard it is on a marriage, and how you may not phathom how DH can need so much affection...if he is like mine. I don't have any answers for you, just empathy.<br>
OP, I also have a past involving sexual abuse and no, that does not help either. I'm not sure how therapy would work for this as I have never been able to afford it and have not sought it when I could. Please, keep me posted on how it works out if you go. I have dealt with some other things related to the feelings of general worthlessness/unworthiness in relation to such past abuse and will talk if you 'd like to PM me.
 

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<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>herbalmommy</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/9864760"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Can you shed some light? Obviously, it's taking a huge toll on our relationship. He is totally respectful of my feelings and we are very honest with each other so he knows where I'm at. It just makes me feel so sad. My children should see happy, loving parents. Instead it feels like the only affection that exists comes from DH. Can anyone help?</div>
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I'm not sure I'm completely clear on the problem-- is the problem really that you aren't attracted to your DH? Sounds to me more like the problem is your lack of drive for anyone, not something particular about your DH, right?
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
KalamazooMom - I'm not sure I'm clear on the problem, either. I'm assuming it has to do with my past but it is possible that I am simply not attracted to DH. I won't know, though, unless I work through these other issues and I think therapy will invaluable to that end.<br><br>
I have put a call into my therapist and am eagerly waiting his call back. While the issues at hand may have be unrelated to my past, I am anxious to get them sorted out so that I can feel more whole.<br><br>
Thanks for the all the responses,<br>
Laura
 
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