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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
First off, I will admit that I am fortunate enough to live in Canada, where there is 1 year maternity leave. It is also just what I feel is best for my family, and I realize that it isn't what is best for everyone.<br><br>
I don't return to work until mid-November, but I'm starting to stress about it because I really don't want to go back. Nor do I have to. I've been putting my maternity leave income+$100-$200 (easily, this is with no scrimping) in the bank since July to prove it to DH. There is a lot of factors here:<br><br>
1) Owen is still waking 2+ times/night and we have only just now started to fix it because he was sick with UTI infections/antibiotics for 3 months that getting a routine going was very hard. Things are just starting to turn a corner there.<br>
2) I have been so tired from above that getting a routine going is taking forever, and Owen is a stubborn boy who has NEVER slept well. I feel like I'm rushed to wean him and get him sleeping through the night which is stressing me and probably not helping the situation. I refuse to let him CIO.<br>
3) I work 7:30am to 4:30pm(at the earliest), and have to drive O to my parents which is 1/2 hour away and then 1/2 hour to work, so I need to leave here by 6:30am, so up at 5:00am home after 5:30.<br><br>
4)I don't really like my job. In fact, I hate it. I have a very decent income+benefits+bonus, but I don't like what I do (collections manager). I have worked and gone to school since I was 17years old(thru 4years of University), and I just kept working after I finished and married 1month after I got my degree. I need a break to figure out what I want to be (after I get Owen settled).<br><br>
The plan before I had Owen was to take advantage of the generous maternity leave and go back to work 3months pregnant so I could go right back off on maternity leave again. Now that I actually have a baby, I know this is not a good idea for me, and want to wait. I also believe that this would not be fair to Owen or the new baby. I want to enjoy my kids, not run around like a chicken with its head cut off. I also think that if I can stay home with him, it will be what's best for us. I figure I could look for part time work in the spring, it's not that I don't want to work, I just don't want a full time stressful job. DH doesn't see it this way. He wants the money and thinks I'm being lazy and selfish for not wanting to go back. He wants Owen in daycare with structure and socialization, and doesn't think he'd get that from me. We are, however having my parents watch him anyhow because I think he needs to be with family when he's this little, which he's fine with, so I don't get it. He even went so far this evening to say that he won't MAKE me go back, but we're obviously not going see eye to eye. Now I'm angry. Man there is so much to this story that I can't even type here, but that hit a sore spot (besides, you've probably stopped reading already).<br><br>
Anyhow, for you working mamas, whether you have to or not, how do you do it? Am I just being a spoiled baby for wanting to take some time to myself and Owen to figure it out rather than go back to my (very stable) but stressful job and try to be a sane Mommy to Owen?
 

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That sounds like a tough situation with your dh. I definitely don't think you are being a "spoiled baby." You are dealing with extremely powerful emotions about leaving Owen, not to mention all the extra stuff about not enjoying your job, etc. I think it is important to honor those feelings no matter what you ultimately decide to do. The mother/child bound is so strong. Having said that, I don't have any suggestions (I'm not due to go back until December and am also feeling so many things about this). But it always helps me to try to let go of all the "reasons/rationales" and all the "I shoulds" and just focus on the feelings. Clarity usually comes. Hang in there.
 

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I think this probably belongs in Parents as Partners rather than here, since it's not so much a work issue as a disagreement between partners...
 

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This is a cliche, but...<br><br>
have him stay home from work one day to take care of the baby. Just one day.<br><br>
He'll change his mind about your "laziness." He'll be lucky if he can keep it together enough to wash a dish! Does he even get up in the night with the baby?<br><br>
Why do you have to wean Owen, again? I don't get that part.<br><br>
I WOHM and my dh takes care of our baby. I totally love my job, but I would rather be home with the baby, 100%. But I must say, it's easier to be at work --well, except for the pumping and the nighttime parenting, but those are parenting things, not work things. My dh is a great dad and does a wonderful job, but it's so hard for him to multitask that some days he doesn't get to shower! (This was my biggest fear about him being home with the baby, btw, and it totally came true.)<br><br>
If you don't need the money and your dh has a full-time job, why do you have go back to work? Can't you wait and get a new job in a year or two, when Owen is <i>old enough</i> to actually enjoy that socialization at pre-school?
 

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Well, I'm one of the rare women (at least around this board) who really enjoys working and would not be willing to be a stay-at-home mommy. So, fair warning on my bias! I chose to work because I love what I do and I'm comfortable with my childcare arrangements. I'm also blessed to be able to work part-time, so that helps. Its the perfect balance for me.<br><br>
You need to find the perfect balance for you AND your family. This sounds like it might take some third-party help to negiate between your feelings and your husband's. Both of these sets of feelings are valid, and its part of being married to figure out how to either make everyone happy or come up with a compromise that everyone can live with. I don't think that not wanting to go back to a job you dislike and not wanting to leave your baby is being "spoiled" and I'm a little uncomfortable with your husband's statement that he won't "make" you go back to work -- as if you were 4 or something! To me, these two statements are a warning sign that there are larger issues here that you guys are going to need to explore.<br><br>
Also, if you do decide to go back to work, can you find something you like better and something that has a shorter commute to childcare? Maybe even something with reduced hours? You might want to explore all of the options before going back to where you were.
 

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i was also in a similar situation. stressful unsatisfying job vs. staying home with a tiny little person who fills me with so much joy i feel like i'm going to burst.<br><br>
i thought that being a responsible parent meant bringing in income (dh doesn't work, long story...). Also, i used to love my job so wondered if i was just going thru an extended pp-stress. i now think otherwise.<br><br>
the longer i stayed at my job the more i resented it. resented dh. resented the world. resented my friends who didn't understand.<br><br>
i've since worked on how to budget my money better, invest my savings, and bring in jobs that i can do at home during dd's naptimes. I used to have starbuck's grande latte's every morning. Now i recycle generic ground coffee grinds for a max 1/2 cup a day. (if only i could give it up altogether!)<br><br>
life is short. i'm not going to waste my time on someone or some company that means nothing to me. dd is growing up faster than i can blink. i'm not missing a second of it.<br><br>
~jenn
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
Thank You for all of your responses and help. I am still struggling with this, and waffle back and forth daily.<br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
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<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">He'll change his mind about your "laziness." He'll be lucky if he can keep it together enough to wash a dish! Does he even get up in the night with the baby?</td>
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He will if I ask him to. He always gets up with Owen on weekend mornings and lets me sleep in. He really does help out with all the household tasks, laundry, diapers, dishes, etc. He doesn't get why it's so hard for me to get it all done, though, because he does all this when we're both home, so one of us can watch Owen.<br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">Why do you have to wean Owen, again? I don't get that part.</td>
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He is still waking 2-3x/night to be nursed back to sleep and it's taking its toll on me. He sleeps in his own crib in his own room because it's the only way anyone gets any sleep at all. We have had sleep problems since the day we brought him home. I don't think I can deal with nursing and working those hours and feel that he needs to be weaned at least from night feedings to solve this. I'm going to pop over to breastfeeding for advice, I think.<br><br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">and I'm a little uncomfortable with your husband's statement that he won't "make" you go back to work -- as if you were 4 or something! To me, these two statements are a warning sign that there are larger issues here that you guys are going to need to explore.</td>
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He has NEVER said anything like this to me before. I went thermal neuclear on him after my original post because he just doesn't seem to get it, and we did manage eventually to have a rational discussion about the whole thing. He still thinks that I should go back to my current job, but agrees that an appropriate middle ground would be for me to find a part time job. I still feel like I'm <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/banghead.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="banghead"> because he doesn't see what difference it will make to Owen if he is at my parents vs with me. I decided to let this lie for a while so that we can both gain some clarity.<br><br>
This is such a supportive group of mamas, and I appreciate your help and honesty. Thank you again!
 

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Best thing I ever did was when I went back to work after ds was 8 mths I got a job that was in the evening. From 5 to 9. That way dh spends time with the babe and most of the time he is asleep. I have all day with him. I love it. I think that my husband loves it now too. Good luck. I work in a lounge overlooking the ocean.
 

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I too liked a little "alone time" at work when my dd was about 15 mo...it was pretty cool to actually talk to people who weren't talking about diapers & nipples all the time<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/orngbiggrin.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="orange big grin"> Not that I don't cherish those conversations too!!!<br><br>
It sounds like raising your own children is important to you, rather than having a daycare center raise them. I believe that social skills can be learned any time they're needed, and children can get a very basic & important social skill of being SECURE when they spend their lives with the person(s) who love & care for them the most--your gut instinct knows that is YOU, BabyO's Mommy!<br><br>
I like that you are convinced of your right to raise your children how you know they will flourish...rock on mommaO<br><br>
PS we are in the same spot with the nursing ALL NIGHT LONG & I'm going to try to go sleep in the other room for the next few nights to get her back onto a decent sleep block!! We all need it!
 
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