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I posted part of this in the nighttime parenting forum, but realize I have more to my problem than just that. I just need some advice, support, whatever. I'm sitting here bawling and I can't stop.

This morning my dh woke up and said that we had to get our dd out of our room. She's teething right now and her ear was hurting last night so she was up a million times. Also, she's pulling herself up now and, as you know, when kids go through a new developmental stage they tend to wake up more often at night to "practice" their newly aquired skills. He says we're spoiling her by having her in our room. Ugh! I hate that. We are not spoiling her. I just can't put her in her own room (besides the fact she doesn't have one yet and when she does it will be a zillion degrees in there because it's the hottest room in our house and we have no air!). Last night on the phone dh called from work and asked how my day was going and I told him I had cancelled volunteering because of ds. My ds is 2.5 years and I have been home with him since he was born. In the last month I have been gone so much. We're huring financially and so I've been interviewing for a weekend job, finally found one and have been training for that. Plus I volunteer once a week and then throw in the fact that I dumped my kids off at my MIL's because of a funeral that was short notice, and I really have been gone a lot. Max is so sad. He cries when I mention his grandma. He wakes up from nap crying that he doesn't want me to go to work. When I told dh this on the phone that I had to cancel my volunteering last night because Max needed me there was total silence on his end. I KNOW that he was thinking that was a dumb reason to cancel. Then last night ds had such a hard time going to sleep. He kept crying for me and dh would go in there and tell him to put his tears away (in a nice way, but still...). Then I'd go in there and rock him and finally decided to just lay down on the floor while he tried to fall asleep. Dh came in 10 minutes later and asked what I was doing. I know he was mad. He thinks that I spoil ds (and dd) and he thinks ds is turning into a huge baby. This makes me so mad. I really believe that the Gentle Discipline is working with ds. I also believe that kids should feel free to express their feelings (in a positive way) and if that means crying, fine. I hate when people tell their kids all the time to stop crying. Why should they? Why can't our society let babies be babies? Why is it so bad that I went and hugged Max for an hour repeatedly and rocked him and layed down on the floor by him? He needed me last night and I was there for him. Dh wants to spank and I can't do that again. I never wanted to spank to begin with but let dh talk me into it. Now that I realize what a huge mistake it was to spank I will never go back. I will not spank our kids. If it came down to it I would leave dh over this. I believe spanking is child abuse. I don't see any reason that kids can't be respected. I don't think that means giving them whatever they want, but I believe it's our job to teach them to choose the right things, not beat them so they're scared into choosing the right things. I don't know if dh feels totally isolated from me and the kids since he works such long days. Maybe he feels like he's not really a parent and feels he needs to have a "say" in how we raise them by being a jerk about things. Maybe this is his way of staying connected to the family. I was sad, too, because last night he went to bed and I stayed up. When I kissed him good night he said, "I miss you."

Anyway, this is long. Sorry. I'm just so sad and upset and depressed. I hate my life right now. This is not how I pictured my adult life when I was a kid. I'm totally miserable and if I tell dh that he will think I'm upset because he doesn't make a lot of money. It's stressful at our house right now. Dh feels like he's failing at providing for the family. I know he doesn't want me to have to work on the weekends and he really feels the stress and burden of our finances. You know, money is stressful, but our marriage really sucks right now and he doesn't see that. I hate him as a dad and husband. I don't know what to do. I feel like I can't talk to him about anything anymore. He's a different person. He comes home from work very angry and tells me how stupid everyone else is and how he got mad at so and so and yelled at them. He became a supervisor at his work last Novemeber and has been getting so angry about how the company runs that it is eating at him. He has such anger problems. I don't know what to do. I'm not scared of him, but I worry about him so much. I worry that the kids will see this and start acting like him. Ds already is starting to show traits of dh's and that scares the hell out of me.

What do I do? Please help me! I have no one else to talk to about this. I can't keep crying day after day over this kind of stuff.

S.
 

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It sounds like you're both sleep deprived & it's really hard to function as a couple like that.

It also seems like your dh's way of trying to remedy the situation is not going to work, as the baby cannot be 'spoiled'---while I can understand his exhaustion and insecurities...he's gotta take the backseat on this ride.

The good news is, it doesn't last long. You can discuss with him the finer points of babyhood (1-2 years) versus your long loving marriage together (50 + years ideally). Anger--everyone's got a way of dealing, ask your dh what would help him. Open up the talk to all kinds of possibilities--maybe he needs to switch jobs, careers, maybe he's just tired.

My babies are almost 4 and 8, and I'm here to tell you, there IS a light at the end of the tunnel.

And, if you could find it in your heart to create paragraphs by hitting "enter" every once in a while on your posts, my old tired eyes would love you forever :LOL

 

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Hugs Mama.

I really dont' have a lot of advice. I have friends that I have gone through similar re the family bed and a lot of the time to their DHs it turned out to be about s-e-x. Do you think you could arrange to "get together" at regular points regardless of who is sleeping where? Then he might feel better about the nighttime parenting and that his needs are taken into account as well. (Of course I don't know you and I am probably way off base...sorry, tired here too....)
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by Mydragonboy
Hugs Mama.

I really dont' have a lot of advice. I have friends that I have gone through similar re the family bed and a lot of the time to their DHs it turned out to be about s-e-x. Do you think you could arrange to "get together" at regular points regardless of who is sleeping where? Then he might feel better about the nighttime parenting and that his needs are taken into account as well. (Of course I don't know you and I am probably way off base...sorry, tired here too....)
You know what, I don't thing you're way off base. We don't have much of that anymore in our relationship. I know I'm the one who never wants it...

Mountain, Thanks for making me laugh!!! I honestly didn't mean to write such a long, no-break paragraph!!!
I was too busy crying. I will definately keep that in mind next time I post. And thanks for your post, too. I definately just need to sit down and talk to him (and yes, tell him this isn't forever, that our babes will grow up).

You know, just writing it all down made me feel better. Thanks for taking the time to reply, mamas. You have no idea how much I appreciate it!

S.
 

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Does your dh have a twin? If so, I'm married to him. Dead-on for what we go through regarding parenting and work issues. Phew! You're not alone, and neither am I. Now, what to do about it?......
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I saw a thread about "not so crunchy dads" but haven't looked at it yet. I thought my dh embraced the AP principles as I did, but this trying to get ds to NEVER cry, or at least to not try to comfort him the way I do, and then to wonder why ds always wants "Mommy", it's like, Duh! Try a little tenderness!
 
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