[HeyArnold]

Thank you two so much for taking the time to give such thoughtful replies. The advice you've both given me is definitely something to work off of. And I wasn't trying to imply that people who did or didn't do the same things that I mentioned were "bad" parents. Just the fact that I wasn't doing any of those things combined with my feelings leaves me feeling like a not so great parent.<br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">You have an attachment disorder. It's typical for people who were parented the way you were.<br><br>
How can I possibly know how you were parented? Because of how you turned out.<br><br>
You can stop the cycle. You can accept your beautiful little daughter's love.<br><br>
If you choose to.</td>
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That and your post in general hit home in so many ways that it's creepy.<br><br>
I deleted my post because I don't want to subject myself to any unneeded criticism when I've already been given such wonderful advice. Thanks again you guys.

 

[Sunflower223]

I think in a way you might be idealizing a bit what it is to be a "great mom". I am not sure how old dd is, but it often takes a long time for mothers to bond with their children. It doesn't happen instantly for everyone. It probably doesn't happen instantly for most.<br><br>
In a lot of ways I can relate to what you are going through I went through a lot of stuff around the time my dd was born, I was young, I didn't really know what I wanted and I was going through a very difficult divorce. I wanted dd very much while I was pregnant, but after I had her I thought about adoption more than once. It hurts me to even talk about it now, but I wanted to do the best for my baby.<br><br>
I left her with my mom a lot. I did a lot of stuff in those early months that I wish I could take back, but I realized a long time ago that I can't just keep beating myself up about it.<br><br>
I can tell you right now that whether they want to admit it or not even the most seemingly "perfect" parent has forgotten to brush a child's teeth for a few days, put themselves first at least occasionally (especially with a first child when you are still trying to cope with this sudden sharing of your life), and fed the kid cheeto's for breakfast.<br><br>
I don't consider myself a bad parent at all but no I don't cook healthy meals every night (in fact the last few days we've had take-out for three meals a day), ocassionally dd goes to bed with sticky stuff in her hair and dirty feet, and I definately forget to brush her teeth sometimes. Even more than that, there are still days when I need a break, and so does every other mother out there.<br><br>
I'd also like to repeat that it takes a long time to bond with a child for some. Infants are not always the most fun people to be around either esp when you are not used to being tied down. Most of us aren't prepared for how tied down we become after we have our first child.<br><br>
You can't compare yourself to your vision of what a good parent is, you are a mother, regardless of your situation. I do think, based on what you have shared, that you should try to share custody of dd when you get better. I do think things will change for you a lot when you are in a better place mentally. You have to stop putting so much pressure on yourself to live up to an ideal, and just love your daughter, and parent in your way, not your vision of how you should do it.

 

[Amris]

The first thing that is most important that you understand, Melaya, is that your little baby girl loves you more than words can express. She adores you. You are the center of her world. She loves you, and she misses you, on a deep and abiding level.<br><br>
She won't leave you. She loves you. She wants to be with you. Everything that you've ever done, she has already forgiven you for, and forgotten. What she most knows, and most remembers, is that she loves you and she misses you.<br><br>
You are her mommy. There isn't another person anywhere in the world that can be for her, what you already are. No number or kind of mistakes can undo that. You're her mommy. The only one. Good, bad, or indifferent, it doesn't matter. You're her mommy, and she loves you.<br><br>
It's never too late to start. So she doesn't have a doctor. Up til now, right? Because you can get her one.<br><br>
So you neglected her. Up til now, right? Because you can start giving her your attention, even if you're not infatuated with her.<br><br>
So you took her to parties. Up til now, right? Because you can choose to leave her with parents if you continue to party. And you can choose to quit partying, if you prefer that.<br><br>
The feeling that we often call "love" is actually more like infatuation. Real love is about choices. It's choosing to get up and feed the baby even when you're tired and rather stay in bed. It's choosing to get up and go spend time with her, even when you rather sit down and read, or nap.<br><br>
You can choose to love her, even if you are not infatuated with her. Because genuine love means doing the right thing, even when the desire to do the right thing is absent.<br><br>
Love lasts because it is a verb, an action word. A choice.<br><br>
Your baby daughter is infatuated with YOU. She adores you. You are the most important person in her life. Now you can choose to take responsibility for creating someone, and for being the center of their life. You can say, "Yes, I made mistakes. But there is still time to do this thing right."<br><br>
Then, you can relax and go with the flow. Forgive yourself for how you were. Become someone knew.<br><br>
Recognize and realize how much your baby loves you, and wants you. To her, Melaya, you are beautiful. You are fantastic. You are magnificent. You are life. You are joy. You are hope fulfilled. You are the promise of a new day. You are Mommy.<br><br>
And when you come home, you will be greeted with the greatest of love and adoration. You will be greeted with such joy.<br><br>
When she looks at you, all she sees is mommy. She doesn't see the "bad" part of you, Mommy. And she loves you completely.<br><br>
You are parenting the way that you were parented. You are the way you are because you were taught to be absent emotionally. You don't have to stay that way. You don't have to teach your daughter to be that way.<br><br>
You have an attachment disorder. It's typical for people who were parented the way you were.<br><br>
How can I possibly know how you were parented? Because of how you turned out.<br><br>
You can stop the cycle. You can accept your beautiful little daughter's love.<br><br>
If you choose to.

 

[Amris]

<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> I hope you're okay, Mommy.<br><br>
And by the way:<br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>HeyArnold</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7935711"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">That and your post in general hit home in so many ways that it's creepy.</div>
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I'm pretty good at that. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol">