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May be it's time to redefine "being a good mother."
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I don't know anything about you but what is on your signature -- you homeschool, tandum nurse, and use cloth diapers. You don't have to. You can make different choices and make time for yourself in your life. Being a mother doesn't mean that every single minute of the day and night HAS to be about someone else. It is possible to be a good mother and have balance in your life.
 

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Smokering View Post

Unfortunately, it might not be as simple for the OP as "stop homeschooling and quit tandem nursing". If she feels strongly about doing those things for ideological reasons, quitting might make her feel worse, not better.
Then it's time for counseling. When the way one defines "good mother" causes one to daily wish that their children had never been born, it's time to get help.

(momentarily wishing they hadn't been born is different, but all day every day means that it's time for a change)

I agree that it isn't simple.
 

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I think that allowing one's mind to open to new possibilities when one is unhappy and feels trapped can be VERY helpful. None of us knows the OPer well enough to know exactly what new possibilities make the most sense for her right now. I think we all agree that finding some time for herself would be moving in the right direction, but exactly how that plays out for different moms is very different.

It's really not about homeschooling vs. school, that's a side issue and most likely not a debate that is helpful to the OPer. Rather, the questions could be:

"Where can I let go?"

"Whom can I ask for help?"

"What would give me a feeling of relief right now?"

Many of us have gone through emotionally difficult times as moms, and we've found some of the same solutions (such has making our own needs a priority) and some different solutions (trading childcare with a friend vs preschool vs yoga class vs telling our DH's it's time to step up to the plate vs ________________________) The options are truly limitless.

Rather than getting hung up what options are *right* or *wrong,* let's focus on what has worked for us without judging what has worked for others.

Peace
 

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We double posted and I wanted to send you a hug.
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Part of it truly is the age of your kids. Part of this really will get easier with time.

I hope your appointment goes really well.
 

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Funny Face View Post

At times I've cut back on some of those things but I feel a little bit more at peace when I actually find a way to do the things I feel convicted to do.
It really stands out to me that the word you use to explain why you parent the way you do is the same word used for someone who is guilty of crime and will now be punished. The words we use the the way we think about things are EXTREMELY powerful. Without getting into *what* you are doing, I think it would be very freeing for you to re-frame your parenting in terms that are less about deserving and receiving punishment.

I also think that a lot of this thread has ended up being about parenting, but I think a huge chunk of the problem is your marriage. You might double post on parents as partners.
 

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Most therapist have evening and saturday hours. Go when your DH is home to watch the kids.

You are too old for your parents' finances to be effecting you. Get your dad's name off the account, or if you can't do that, open a new account, move your money into it, and don't put his name on it. And then have YOUR name taken off the old account.

The universe doesn't hate. You say you are a Christian, but you don't go to church and you aren't pulling on your faith to get you through a difficult time. Part of the problem in you life is believing that the universe, or god, hates you. You believe that you are guilty and need to be punished. The whole "convicted to tandem nurse and homeschool" thing is just a big sign showing that your underlying beliefs about yourself and what you deserve are extremely, extremely negative.

Also, it isn't reasonable to expect your spouse to be your only friend. Once you have the car thing sorted out, start making a real life for yourself and your kids. It isn't your DH's fault that you don't have friends. Yes, some things you can blame him for, but that's not one of them.

You CAN make changes that will make your life better and happier for you.
 

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About the word "convicted"

The thoughts we think and the words we choose have tremendous power. They effect how we feel, so ultimately, they make the difference between feeling happy and blessing or being so depressed we wish our children didn't exist and we hate our own lives.

If the OPer makes it to therapy and sees someone trained in cognitive behavior therapy, she'll spend time learning to think about her life differently. Until she thinks about her life differently, she'll stay stuck where she is -- miserable.

There is a massive difference in how it feels to do anything (homeschool, stay married, ANYTHING) when one feels it is the ONLY option compared to how to feels to do the exact same thing when it is active choice made in freedom.

If another poster used the word "convicted" to describe something that was working for them, I wouldn't bring it up what a heavy, negative, limiting word it is. But the OPer's life isn't working for her in huge ways. She thinks the universe hates her. She wishes she hadn't had her children. She's sick of her marriage. She feels her child acts like a wild animal.

One of the things the word "convicted" implies is "closed off to new information." People use it when they feel they know everything they need to to understand what is right and wrong in a specific context. On something fairly limited, like circumcision, I can see how one could get there.

I don't understand how a parent with three small child, only one of whom is even school age, could believe that they have all the information about what will always be best for each of her children's educations. That's just so limiting, and it doesn't allow any room to get to know those children, consider what they want, observe what actually works for them, etc.

To me, it's really obvious reading these post that the OPer needs to make some changes. Continuing to do the exact some things and thinking about them the exact same ways will leave the OPer feeling exactly the same. And she really deserves to feel better. She deserves to be happy, to feel blessed, to enjoy her children and see them as blessings. But to get there, she's going to have to let go of something -- it may be just letting go of how she thinks about some of this stuff.

"Convicted" is a very heavy, negative, limiting word. Changing the word doesn't require changing anything else. To me, it makes sense as a place to start.
 

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Subhuti View Post

Linda, I don't know if you are aware of it, but your posts come across as unsupportive and critical rather than helpful. When you're in the place where the OP is, it might feel like being kicked while you are down. She's pretty firm that she has a way that she wants to live and that to not live in that way will make her feel even worse. She's pretty clear about what she meant when she said convicted.
I encouraged her to change the way she THINKS about what she is doing, the words to uses to herself and others to say WHY she is doing what she's doing. I didn't tell her to DO anything differently, except to chose her thoughts and her words with more care.

A therapist will most likely tell her the same thing.
 

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Quote:
Originally Posted by swd12422 View Post

I don't see depression as a flaw or as something wrong with a person. It just is something that's there.
agreed. I don't see it as any different than if someone had listed a bunch of symptoms and gotten responses that they were the signs of diabetes and that they needed to see a doctor ASAP.

It just is.

To define it as a "flaw" makes it less likely someone will get help. And no one has to live that miserable. No one has to suffer to that degree.

It's OK to get real help and move forward in life.
 

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Funny Face View Post

All I want is to tell my husband we need to take a break. To work on ourselves separately. That his presence is killing me. But when I try to say it the words never come out. I'm too afraid to say them.

He is trying like he's never tried before. Falling short, but trying. And it scares me that I've waited for this for 6 years and now it doesn't seem like enough.
here's an idea -- call your therapist and leave this as a voice message. When I've been in therapy, 99% of the time, if I call my therapist, I get put into voice mail (because they are pretty much always with clients). It might be easier to say this to a recording machine than to a person, and it might be easier to tell the therapist first rather than your husband. But then it would be out there, and it then it would be your therapist job to help you figure out how to actually say it out loud.
 
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