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I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. I've BTDT, and I never tandem nursed, homeschooled, or had more than 1 kid! So that should tell you two things:

1 - You're not alone. Others have and do feel this way, even if they're not bold enough to say it out loud or online.

2 - You're a strong, loving mama. When I have bad days, I think about all the women who have more than 1child, or kids with SN/HN and feel ridiculous for not being able to cope. You're strong enough to have gotten this far with your kids, doing all you do for them, and you're strong for having admitted your feelings, no matter how unpopular they might make you. Now be strong and pass those kids off to someone else for an afternoon, put your feet up, and rest!
 

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Funny Face View Post

...

I resent that there are people out there in the world who work and are appreciated and valued and they get off work and ask themselves what they would like to eat for dinner, if they would like to take a bath or watch a movie and are then able to do those things.

And I work just as hard 24/7 and no one sees, no one cares. In fact my husband thinks our life is 'all about me' and that I am controlling and impossible to please.

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O.M.G. This is so me. I used to get so angry and jealous when DH would be 20 minutes late from work b/c he stopped on the way home for a haircut. Or he'd walk in with a bag from the drugstore/grocery store with snacks he got during work or something he needed to pick up real quick. Nothing is "real quick" when you have little ones, except maybe your temper. I would be LIVID. And then I would get questioned on why the house was such a mess if I was actually here all day and had 9 hours to clean it up. And THEN he would go ahead and give the baby the one thing I had JUST cleaned up, only to have it a mess again. I seriously couldn't figure out how to keep from killing him, and he would start in on me for being a control freak b/c why can't he just give the baby that? (And yeah, I was a control freak. Now I just don't care...) I feel ya. I hope having your mom come will help. Don't forget to NAP -- don't just clean!
 

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Ugh. What an awful thing to have thrown into the mix!

IDK if this has been covered (sorry, DS is in one of "those" moods/modes today and I don't have time to re-read the thread), but I see in your siggy that you are Christian. Maybe it's faulty logic on my part, but does this mean you have a church and therefore a pastor/minister? It seems to me like even a phone session (or home visit, since the car is now out of the question) might help get you at least a bit back on your feet mentally. Do you have friends who can just come by for a few minutes/run errands for you/babysit while you take a walk around the block? Even if you can't get your dream day off to clean all morning and sleep all afternoon, arranging to have 15 minutes to yourself each day might be a good start. If you have neighbors who are close by, you could rotate them around, one each day, and take a few days just to have a few moments of peace. I don't know my neighbors all that well, but most of them, once they discover there are kids in the house, offer to pitch in here and there.
 

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Originally Posted by Tigerchild View Post

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I'd like to say that I didn't beat myself up over not dancing through flowery fields farting sparkles, butterflies, and unicorns of joy over my orgasmic experience of parenting at that particular time--but that wouldn't be true. I did get some therapy to deal with some pretty ugly stuff that came up for me interally due to childhood abuse/abandonment, and it was nice to have a professional say (in a more professional way of course) that it was okay if I was not farting butterflies at this time in my life.

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All I have to say is, OP, if you didn't spit coffee out of your nostrils while reading this, drop everything and go get some help NOW. Even if you have to walk 50 miles to get it. And if you did spit coffee out of your nostrils, and maybe felt just a teensy bit better, even for a moment, save it and read it 5 times a day, or more if needed.
 

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Oh, I'm so sorry! It sucks to get to that point, but unfortunately lots of times it does take hitting a wall (or bottom, or whatever metaphor works for you) to get out of the spiral you feel you're stuck in. I know my DH doesn't "get it" when I ask for help here and there, but when it becomes a crisis, then he wakes up. (Of course, it's better not to have to get to that point, but sometimes it's what has to happen for him to see what's needed. Sometimes even I can't see what's needed til I'm at a breaking point -- that used to happen a LOT when DS was a baby, but not as much now...)

Anyway, I don't remember seeing you mention chronic pain, but I have similar issues, and what you said about just ignoring it and it quietly builds tension and stress in you til you can't ignore it any longer is SO me. It has taken me years, but I am finally realizing that's true for me, and finally am figuring out that when I realize I'm feeling stressed, yelling more than I should, getting upset over the little things, feeling overwhelmed, etc. I need to stop everything and check in with my pain level. It's usually either pretty high at that point, or has been elevated for a period of time. It just creeps up and then explodes. IDK what your back issue is (or if you even have a diagnosis -- if you don't have one, get one, even if you have to put it on credit/arrange payment plans). It took me a long time to find out that I needed more than a few pills and stretches. By the time my doctor ordered an MRI, it was so bad that the doctors and the techs couldn't believe I was walking around like that. They had to double-check and make sure they hadn't switched my file with someone else's. I went to see a physical therapist after that and I'm getting much better, but of course it is something that requires me to take 30 minutes out of my day to stretch and do the exercises I need to keep my condition from worsening. Like I have that extra time... But I do it b/c it beats the alternative! It makes for too much of a chain reaction if I ignore my back -- then it hurts, then I'm cranky, then DS gets upset when I can't play with him/carry him, then we're BOTH upset, then DS acts out....... Not worth it in the least. Never mind that spending the time/money on fixing it now avoided some serious damage and extraordinarily expensive/dangerous/painful spine surgery. I cringe when I think about how close I came. And of course, I have a foot issue that started when DS was a baby, and I ignored that, too, and now I need $300 custom orthotics and a brace to wear to bed and.... Thankfully again I caught it before it got to surgery, but if I had dealt with it 3 years ago, I wouldn't have had to spend all that money on equipment.

Sorry, I'm rambling, I'm just trying to say that you're not alone. Lots of us here have BTDT with at least parts of your situation, and we feel for you. And want you to take care of yourself so you CAN feel better. And that we thought we could push on through and come out fine on the other side, and sometimes that works and sometimes it works against you til you wake up and see that you need/deserve to have these things taken care of too. Glad you went to counseling; I hope it will help.
 

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Sorry you got stuck with a student. Ugh. And yeah, I got the advice to do yoga regularly, get some "me" time (non-yoga) and trade babysitting. Um, with WHOM???? I have friends with kids. None of them wants to take another one for a day any more than I want to reciprocate with THEIR kids. It's hard. But try, and do as much of that as you can. Be creative. Maybe you could find a teenager who will trade babysitting for.... Help with homework? Free car repairs (if your hubby can do stuff like that)? Brownies or something else you can make/do yourself (b/c yeah, you have so much extra time to do this!)?

If you only choose one thing, do physical therapy. Mine only saw me twice, then gave me sheets of all the stretches he taught me so I could do it myself at home. It's cheaper, easier, and less travelling that way, and it's something you can do every day at home for free (after you pay for the initial visits). Let them know that you are trying to do this as cheaply as possible, ask for a little extra time during the first visit or two to make sure you're doing it right, then ask if you can check in in a few weeks/months whenever they feel it should start having some effect. Even a phone follow-up instead of an office visit if everything seems fine (with the promise that you will go in if it's not). Negotiate and see how far you can get!

As for date night, we have a restaurant here that has a separate kids' play area (but not fast food). Maybe there's someplace near you that has that? We also have a coffee shop that has toys, so if you can only find a coffee shop instead of someplace for dinner, you could do a breakfast or lunch date, bring your LO, and have playtime while you and DH chat. (That doesn't count as a real date to a therapist, but it's a compromise.)

To find a sitter: How about contacting the local daycare or preschool and ask for the name of a teacher who might be interested? Or church? Or a church school? That's where our neighbor found her sitter -- her church's preschool teacher is completely underpaid and was happy to sit for two cute little girls for not much money. If you're doing a dinner date with your hubby, payment could be dinner for the sitter and some dessert to take home or something.

Geez, the more I type, the less helpful I get. Just trying to brainstorm. I hope something works for you. Unfortunately, with brainstorming most of it is useless.
 

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Funny Face View Post

Tonight is one of those nights where I just wonder how much longer it will be like this, how much longer I can keep going. Everything goes so very badly that I look around and feel certain I am doing everything wrong. And at the same time I know that can't be true because I work so hard, care so much, try so desperately to do right by my husband and children... but maybe that's not enough.

There must be some magic component I'm missing. Something that holds families together, makes people love their lives, love their children daily, makes them feel like they can breathe. Makes people love them in return.

That's the thing I'm missing.
Honestly, you do sound quite depressed. Everything? Really? Can you be objective enough to admit that it's really not EVERYTHING? (Hey, you and your kids woke up this morning and everyone was alive and safe, and maybe even some of you were happy, right?) Start small, but start finding the good and focusing on it instead of the bad. (I've been trying to work on this myself, and let me tell you, I felt ridiculous when it was pointed out to me that even with my pain, and things in my personal life not being good, etc. that I still have it much better than lots of other people. It's true, and it's also very easy to forget when you're not where you want to be.)

I borrowed a book from the library about cognitive behavioral therapy (which I think PPs mentioned here, or was it another thread?). It was in the context of dieting/"thinking like a thin person" but as I read it I realized that this is exactly what therapists use to help people with depression. It's about changing your mindset, and there are little exercises to do each day. Most of them center around creating and then reading (multiple times daily, as necessary) positive affirmations (not quite a la Stuart Smalley, but mostly things that are in context with your particular issues, like "I'd rather lose the extra weight and feel better for the rest of my life than eat this chocolate cake and feel better for a few minutes.") I'm wondering if maybe this would help you to keep a more positive outlook? I am planning to do this in the next few days, b/c I have an awful habit of being irritable with DS for no good reason and it has to stop. So my cards will have reminders on them like how grateful I am to be his mommy b/c it sure beats the alternative of no kids, nevermind how much joy he brings to our lives (yes, he brings a lot of turmoil too, but focusing on the joy is the point); how I don't need to eat the chocolate cake (!) and should exercise instead; how my PT only takes 20 minutes and I need to make time for it EVERY DAY or I'm not giving my best to my family (how can I, if I'm cranky from hurting?); there's more, but I'm sure no one wants to hear it. ;-)

As for you feeling like you're missing something, are you my husband??? I know very few people who appear to have this "thing" you feel you are missing who are not in therapy and on anti-depressants. Seriously. My neighbor? Drugs and Jesus weren't enough, so now she's a fitness freak as well. Crazy. New friend who has THREE kids who are well-mannered, calm, and always nicely dressed? Anger management therapy and anti-depressants, for YEARS and can't hold a conversation without throwing her DH under the bus about some little thing. Also admits to anxiety attacks at the thought of spending any time at all with her in-laws, who come to every birthday party, holiday, etc and appear to be a very close knit family who do everything for each other. Not without guilt, fighting, and apparently a lot of animosity. My BFF? Kid is a train wreck b/c BFF doesn't have the energy/motivation to discipline her at ALL, take her out to get her energy out (and learn how to behave in public), or play with her in the house where she just watches TV and runs amok. Another friend who cannot post anything to Facebook without referencing her "amazing husband" and what he bought her/where he took her on vacation? Methinks she doth protest too much. She only admits that "nobody's perfect" but then acts like they are. I'm pretty sure she's on anti-depressants too, and basically stopped talking to a lot of us once she discovered her son may be autistic b/c it's too much to admit her boy isn't developing perfectly.

I swear I am not making this up. Nobody has it all together. Nobody feels like they're madly in love with their family 100% of the time. I know that I am, but I don't feel it ALL THE TIME. I think you need to take a step back and stop beating yourself up over not being perfect. A therapist once told me, "Lower your expectations (of yourself and others) and you'll be MUCH happier." It's true. DH always says to take things in "baby steps." He should know, he's more of a mess than I am, and has pulled himself out of depression more times than he cares to admit. He's stronger now for it, even though it has brought him to his knees in the past. Each time he goes through it, he learns something (IDK what) and the next time is less severe than the time before. The episodes also are much fewer and further between now. Focus on yourself, on learning what motivates you, on what's going right (is the refrigerator still working? that counts, b/c think of what a PITA it would be if it weren't) and see if you can't crowd out the negative thoughts. And stop comparing yourself to other people. You're you. Work on that.

Yeah, I'm rambling. A lot of this is for my own sake as well, b/c I have been needing time to sort out my thoughts (not that this isn't still a jumble) but I'm hoping that maybe some of it will help you too. I'm pulling for you and so are lots of other people here!
 

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I don't see depression as a flaw or as something wrong with a person. It just is something that's there. Maybe it's the cause of her negative thoughts and feelings, and maybe it's the result of her feeling stuck b/c of boundary issues. Maybe it's both. Maybe it's not really depression (but it sounds like it). Either way, something needs to change to help her feel better about herself, her life, etc. Most of us are responding based on our own experience, and unfortunately lots of us see depression as part of what's going on. Hopefully something in this thread will help, depression or not, but I don't think anyone is implying there is something wrong with OP or that it's her fault somehow.
 

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I'm so sorry. I certainly didn't mean to be insensitive....

Have you told the marriage counselor that this is where you have ended up since you started counseling together? Maybe there is something else to be done, either separate counseling or another tack the sessions can take? It is a good sign that he is trying so hard, and it's also crazy-making to have to watch him struggle to "try" and then have him still falling short. Telling him he's falling short probably wouldn't be helpful.

I hope that you can find some way to figure out what you need and how to get it.
 
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