[boogiebearlove]

I have a 3 year old little boy. For the first 2 years of his life he was my everything. We were so close. I had just turned 18 when he was born, and then my hubby joined the Air Force and we moved away from family and friends, so I clung to my son and was obsessed with every detail of his life and always keeping him happy. I managed something along the lines of attachment parenting without knowing anything about it. In August I had a baby girl. I've always wanted a little girl. To be honest I was disappointed when they told me I was pregnant with a boy the first time (I got over it when he was born, but still longed for a girl). I had Melody (new baby girl) at home, and struggled for 8 weeks to breastfeed her (we are successful!!). This whole experience was so much different than it had been with Julian (son).
Since I got pregnant with her last October, things immediately changed in my relationship with Julian. I get incredibly sick when I'm pregnant, so the first 5 months I was hardly able to care for him, and started getting angry at him for not being able to care for himself, or do simple things that I asked of him. Now that Melody is here, it's gotten worse and worse. I don't know what happened to my love for him, but I feel like I don't even like him most of the time anymore. Simple things, that are a part of him growing up, I feel like I just can't stand to be around. He talks constantly, and we're trying to potty train him and he always has accidents, and I feel like I'm yelling at him all the time. I know that I'm feeling closer to Melody because I'm breastfeeding her, and I am never away from her. But I feel like in my attachment to her I am pushing Julian away. I don't know what to do . I feel horrible. I know he sees it daily. I am always irritated with him. I know he is a pretty normal 3 year old, but his normal development seems like such a big inconvenience, or I expect him to be growing up faster than he should... I don't know exactly what it is. I am just always irritated with him. Does anybody know what I feel like, or how to get back the relationship I used to have with him?

 

[anjelika]

You're not a horrible mommy - I can tell you love your son very much, even though you're going through a bit of a rough spot right now.

I am only a mother of one, so I have no BTDT experience regarding adjusting to two, but a couple things jumped out from your post:

-Your other baby is pretty new. Are you worn out, well-nourished, taking care of yourself? I know I didn't with my son, and it took a toll. Try to seek out someone to help you out in whatever way you need it.
-Sometimes three can be an age where kids are testing out their boundaries, and where you might not be seeing the effects of your good parenting yet. They're "independent" without coordination and direction. It's rough, but it does get better.

Good luck - I was a young mom too, and I remember the drive to do everything perfectly and guilting myself when it didn't happen. Breaks are key! Do you have a pump so maybe you could leave the little one with DH and take DS out to the park for some time to reconnect? Or take some time for you?

The best thing for a child is a content mom, so make sure you're finding little ways to take care of yourself every day.

Best Wishes!

 

[Miss 1928]

I'm sorry, I have no advice, but I didn't want to read without at least sending you a big hug.

Good luck Mamma!

 

[mytwogirls]

Yes I know how you feel, my girls are 16 months apart and I expected my oldest to be grown up fast when my second girl came along. That did not last too long because I realized what I was doing and took a deep breath and began parenting differently, because each child is different. You are just adjusting and it takes time. Get help if you need and try to spend one on one time with your son and do something special just the two of you. It worked wonders for me.

 

[savannah smiles]

I know that for the first few months of dd2's life all I wanted to do is babymoon with her. I felt irritated with anyone who got in the way of that, including dd1. It did lesson over time, I'm happy to report!

 

[Ivan's Mom]

Welcome to MDC. Your feelings are my own as well. I could have written this same post. There are a bunch of mamas that are having a hard time with the age of three. Check out the Childhood Years section of MDC for good support.

 

[treemom2]

I think I wrote a post very similar to yours when my DS was born. . .it is so hard caring for two children. I would feel so guilty all the time because I felt I went from being a very attentive good mama to DD to a survival parent of two children. I hated having to put DS down all the time to play with DD, I wanted to hold him all day long like I did when DD was an infant. Then I felt guilty because I couldn't give DD all the attention she needed because I had to care for DS as well. I remember one time in particular, I was walking around a city with my children while DH was at work. DS was hysterical because he had pooped and needed to nurse and I couldn't find a bench or anyplace to change and nurse him. DD was tired and not wanting to keep up with me. I was dragging her along in my quest to find a place. I ended up pulling her down and she skinned both her knees. So, now I had two balling kids and I was crying as well. . . It was so hard. I will tell you that it does get better. DD is now 7 and DD is 4 and right now it works, although often I do still feel that mommy guilt. . .I just feel like I don't get enough one on one time with either of them. However, it is better. Like a pp said, make sure you are taking care of yourself (I know, easier said then done) and try to have your hubby watch one of the children sometimes so you have more time to spend with each of them one on one. About toilet training, we finally just decided when it happened it would happen and it did. With our DS one day he just came home and said he didn't want to wear dipes anymore and I think he's only had a couple accidents since that day (DS was over 3 when this happened).

Also, something that really helped me was to find a really awesome preschool for DD to attend a couple days a week. That way I got my much needed time with just DS to enjoy his baby days and I was a happier more attentive mama to both of them (especially DD when she was home). Sure, it was hard to send her off to school, but she loved it and I really found an awesome school that was art/activity focused rather than academic focused. When DS was old enough to go to the same school I would keep them both home on different days to get that one on one time with each of them and I really valued that time. . .and didn't feel so overwhelmed. I often wish someone would have warned me that having two was so hard and would leave me feeling so guilty a lot of the time. Please use us here on mdc, I found many mothers who felt the same as I did during this time and it really helped.

 

[rainbowmoon]

I could have written your post a year ago when my kids were 2 and 3..I think the 3's are just TOUGH in general. Add in a new baby who takes up alot of your time and it is normal to feel that disconnect.

I'm so glad you are recognizing this now! Can you possibly carve out some time everyday for your DS? Maybe a walk or story time with just you and he too reconnect? even 1/2 an hour might help.

 

[Alyantavid]

I went through that when my youngest was born. And it sucked. But it does get better. Mine are now 2 and 6 and while we do have to try to make time for both of them, it is easier.

I thought 3 was so hard anyways.

 

[AmandaClare]

I've been going through the exact same things...minus a few details, I could have written this.

I guess it must be the age, because my oldest is 3 as well. My baby is now 14 months, so it seems like it should be easier, but he's still just as attached to me, so it's really hard to give my oldest the attention she deserves. I feel like I'm snapping at her all day long and it makes me feel so horrible.

So I guess I don't have any advice, but I know it feels better for me to know that others are going through the same thing, and it will get better one of these days.

Here's to hoping "4" is a little easier!

 

[suabel]

I couldn't not jump in and just reiterate what all of the other mamas have said. Don't be so hard on yourself. Firstly, three is HARD. For every one of my kids, it was by far the most challenging age. They are fighting for independence but still have so many baby needs. Naturally a snuggly newborn often looks so much more appealing, LOL. I suggest (and I'm sure if I read back, someone else has said this) carving out some time to spend with him when the baby is napping doing things he likes, ie. playing trains, reading, etc (not saying you don't do this, just that making a special time for it and calling it that somehow makes it a priority in the busy day). He'll feel validated and you've fed his needs. This time will pass and things will get easier, but you're definitely at a hard moment in parenting, so just the fact that you are concerned and trying to solve the problem says that you are a great mom. Hugs.

 

[Magali]

 

[ricemom3]

I can remember when my teenagers were there. My ds#1 was 3 and I had a newborn dd. I think that 3 is way harder than two, at least with my kids. Like a pp had said, at three they are gaining independence but are still babies in so many ways. As far as time for yourself, I even enjoyed grocery shopping, either alone or with the baby, who was usually sleeping. It definitely does get easier. The best advice I ever got, was to take a deep breathe and just enjoy it, yes even the crazy threes because before you know it they will be graduating and leaving home. (I know it is easier said than done, but just remember you aren't alone and it really does go fast) I do regret not spending more time with my oldest ds or my dd while they were younger. I am definitely doing the best I can to make the most of the time with the LO.

 

[boogiebearlove]

Thank you guys so much! It's just so much better knowing I'm not alone, and that everyone seems to be in agreement about how hard 3 is! We've had some bad moments, so I'm trying hard to be nicer to him - tell him I love him all day long. We don't do many things together, because I am so exhausted all day from nursing dd all night! But I am going to start pumping so that I can leave dd at home occasionally and spend some time with ds. Everyone gave such good advice - thanks! I was going to go through and respond individually but it all would have said about the same thing

 

[Softmama]

This is a good thing to have in your mommy arsenal: special time. Same as what everyone else mentioned, but you name it and make sure that your son knows about it. I can't find the link to it, so I will describe it as best I can. It goes like this. You pick a 10 min span of time that you will devote to just him (and give him the choice of two activities, something he likes). Two minutes before you announce "Ds, in two minutes your special time will start". Then "OK Ds, it's time for your special time" then 8 minutes into it, "Ds, in two minutes special time will be over" then "Ok DS, special time is all done for today!". and even though you only spent 10min with him you just told him FOUR times that he was getting special time. I have no idea why this works so well. BUT IT WORKS SO WELL!

 

[Sierra]

Yes, three is hard.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Softmama This is a good thing to have in your mommy arsenal: special time. Same as what everyone else mentioned, but you name it and make sure that your son knows about it. I can't find the link to it, so I will describe it as best I can. It goes like this. You pick a 10 min span of time that you will devote to just him (and give him the choice of two activities, something he likes). Two minutes before you announce "Ds, in two minutes your special time will start". Then "OK Ds, it's time for your special time" then 8 minutes into it, "Ds, in two minutes special time will be over" then "Ok DS, special time is all done for today!". and even though you only spent 10min with him you just told him FOUR times that he was getting special time. I have no idea why this works so well. BUT IT WORKS SO WELL!

I have also done something like this and found it works very well. MY approach is slightly different.

We have done "special time" and not kept the reminders up about it ending during special time, and still "special time" has become coveted and also helped with behavioral stuff at other times. We do just 5 minutes, but at the same exact time every day. The consistency is key, and I know 10 minutes isn't that long, but I don't know if we would stick with it as well over the long run. It goes something like, "In five minutes, we'll have your special time." Then, when it is time to begin, we set a timer and then go off by ourselves. Another key is going into a room where there are no real "no no" things the kid can get into. This way your special time does not become another behavioral management time.

When we get in the room, we shut the door and I say, "This is our special time. You can play with anything you want." During play, I spend the whole time showing my kid I am paying attention. I:

*Narrate: "You are picking up that red block. I see you are looking for a place on your tower to put your red block."

*Reflect: My kid mumbles while looking around the room: "Where are the other dolls?" and I say, "You are looking for those dolls...hmm...let's look for them together" (basically repeating what was said back to show I am listening).

*Give Positive Messages: These are sometimes verbal, "Wow! You look so proud of how fast you made that car go!" and sometimes they are non-verbal, like a big grin I give or a hug. I try to be very specific, though.

*Imitate: I see my kid playing with the blocks, and then I say, "That looks like so much fun. I love playing with you," and start building my own tower.

Believe it or not, this is hard work to keep this going pretty non-stop for five minutes. I try to do each of the above categories at least 10 times in the five minute period. But it works really well, and you would be amazed what five minutes a day can do to your relationship (and to behavioral issues).

When the timer goes off I just say, "Our special time is over now, and I am going to clean up. It would be great if you'd like to help," but I don't ever get into a struggle over this because the whole point is relationship building.

It's effective.

 

[Dr.Worm]

You are a great mommy! Please stop beating yourself up. I don't have more than one, but I know that even with one it is so hard when they are toddlers. You love them and want them to be your babies but you also want them to try to do some things for themselves..this is normal and it will get better!

 

[hedgehogs4]

Please take this as a tool, not guilt....

When you (when I) are frustrated, angry, really tired and feeling short tempered if you pause, really look in his eyes and see him it can help you to treat him more gently.

 

[ricemom3]

That is great advice. I know that it is so true. When I start to get frustrated with my LO, that is what I do. Then my heart melts and the anger (or whatever) disappears.

 

[transformed]

What you are going through is completley normal, even though it doesn't feel very good. After I had my 2nd lo, I felt tons of regret and I just wanted it to go back to being my oldest and I. (Even though I loved my 2nd with all my heart.)

You will never forget when it was just you and your first born. There is nothing in life like it. But life goes on, and new experiences are coming.

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