[*~*SewHappyNow*~*]

I see people who've ended relationships over serious issues: abuse, alcoholism, neglect... thretening situastions to a family...

I almost feel like my reasons aren't good enough. Its a lot of little things. Its the lack of intimacy and honesty mainly. Its feeling over responsible and he is under responsible.

ok here's the part where I ramble...

I'm just feeling blah lately.. Like I don't want to do anything, what's the point. I run out of energy to finish tasks and feel as though I am accomplishing little.

I have been working my full time schedule for months now, due to staffing shortages. Seems as though there are all kinds of staffing problems at work. This was going to be the first week I got my extra day off in a long time and I ended up going in an extra day to help a local pharmacy who has a guy out on disability. The good news is it looks like I am beiong transfered to that store permanently. This store is only 6 miles away, compared to 30 miles of my current store

Well, I am also running short on funds. It seems I'm a little over my head in debt and spending and my pay is barely keeping pace My dh offered to help with my dipes rather than get a job, but he hasn't done too much to help my biz at all! He does a lot around the house and outside. When he isn't doing chores around here he's at his buddys' houses playing poker, playstation, or at wal mart or runs 6 errands a day! I have no idea what he is doing. If he is here, he is playing that stupid playstation game...

So then yesterday I happen to open my savings account statement.. I don't always, because I am not withdrawing money from it so no need to check it.. or so I thought! turns out my dh has been making small withdrawls from my savings account over the last month! Totaling about $500. I know it isn't much, but I was counting on having enough in there to pay off my Subaru (~$4000) and then buy a new Subaru and start a new loan... our Honda is really only big enough for one baby seat and the driver and that won't fly for baby #2. I wanted to at least have enough $$ in there for the "what ifs" ya know? I like to have a little back up in case something horrible happens... like I loose my job or some huge unexpected expense...

so I am pissed he was basicly hoping I wouldn't notice he was taking ATM withdrawls from that account, plus my checking account and then there's his credit card...

well now he is saying he might need a job so he can have his own money. that is a wholenother story...

we spoke a week ago or so when I last got pissed.. frankly I can't even remember why. Oh the 5am thing... he was gone when I woke up at 3:45am and I didn't know where he was and no note. We talked about leaving note, as this isn't the first time this has happened. I called the cell and no answer. He called me back about 5am to tell me he had to go pick up a friend who's car bropke down 100miles away! Highly unbelievable.. well we spoke later and he said if I divorce him he wants me to send him to school?!?!?! Hello! You had how many years to go to school before dd was even a thought... and you blew it. How is this my responsibility now?! He hasn't worked since 1999 and hasn't been to school since 1996.

He, dh, seems so kind and caring at times and then just so irresposible and decpetive at others. I can't seem to trust my perceptions of feelings any longer. I am beingging to think maybe I am inpossible to please and I am causing all the conflict and problems. Like if I gave dh enough spending money he wouldn't be sneaking cash outta my savings account. Maybe I am like the mean old 1950's husband..

I dunno... I just know I am not happy. I've been thinking maybe I should sell my biz or start selling off my supplies to pay my debts. I love the biz, but its overwhelming and I can't keep up with the demand like I would like. OTOH its the only thing that really gives me any joy, but its making miserable atthe same time. I hate my regular job.. just cuz its unfullfilling and boring. It pays my bills, though.

Called my mom yesterday to tell her about the savings account and how I'd like to just be done with this relationship. I thought maybe she'd offer to help take care of dd, like she did before, but instead she said "How are you going to make it?" "Maybe you should give him spending money for his self esteem"

I just got the feeling she didn't wanna help really...

 

[Holland73]

First of all, you need a break and some sleep. It sounds to me like you have WAY too much on your plate, physically and mentally. This is not the greatest time to be making a decision to divorce or not...although, it is a PERFECT time to put these issues on the table, with dh, and see what needs to be done. But, you cannot have such a conversation when you are so tired, frustrated and just plain wiped out...you need a somewhat level head.

I know that when I am exhausted, frustrated and angry that everything in my life seems so dramatic and in desperate need of IMMEDIATE change. Then, I get some sleep, take some time to myself and am so thankful that I didn't approach the situation in that frame of mind because I would have said and done so many things I would have regretted.

IMO, I think lack of intimacy and honesty are also very serious issues. The difference between these issues and the ones you mentioned in your post, especially with abuse, is that they are not only very serious, but often times, life threatening situations that call for immediate and drastic measures. But, that does not make them any less "important" than any other issues, such as lack of intimacy, problems of trust, etc, etc. So, do not compare the two.

My biggest concern with your dh is his leaving in the wee hours of the morning. This makes the saving withdrawls even more so worrisome. You really, really need to find out what is going on. But, do it in a more level-headed manner and without immediately jumping to conclusions, give him the benefit of the doubt this time. If you immediately attack, he will close off and attack you right back...trust me, you don't want to go down that path, things will be said and done that you very likely could regret!

Good luck and please take care of yourself!

 

[Holland73]

One more thing...I love your website and your daughter is beautiful!!!

You should be very proud of your biz and if you don't want to give it up, please don't. It is such an accomplishment!

 

[mocha09]

What Holland said!

 

[captain optimism]

I don't know how you can think of this as minor stuff. Your dh isn't working and he's using your money without your permission, and he's so cavalier about your marriage that he says, oh yeah, if we get divorced, pay for school for me.

Now I want you to know that my dh is in grad school and only works part time. I have the main income in the family. (Or had, I'm out of work just now!) My dh and I have separate bank accounts and a joint account and we don't touch the joint account without discussing it. Even though he wasn't making the main income, I can see how hard he works. I always know where he is. He always knows where I am.

Is this not a bare minimum for a relationship? Lack of trust seems very serious to me.

Not that I'm telling you to end your marriage, God forbid. That is your decision and of course you should do what you can to fix things if you want to do that. I just wanted to be one of the voices for taking your concerns seriously.

 

[L.J.]

Every person has the right to be happy, to be loved, etc. There are tough times in marriages.......there are tough times in divorces. I don't think there are ever easy decisions when it comes to a family staying together & working out problems or deciding to go your separate ways. Based on what you wrote there certainly seem to be issues that need to be addressed within your marriage. Sometimes it is truly best and also the only real option for a marriage to end. Sometimes things can be resolved.

Try to find some quiet time (even if it's in bed at night) when you can let go of your fears & really tap into your true feelings about everything that's happening. You may be surprised at things you will think about and you may find you have good answers and solutions to things that are going on.

I hope you find happiness whichever route you choose.
I'll send peaceful thoughts your way ~ L.J.

 

[mocha09]

What CO and LJ said!

(Sorry, these women are offering up very wise words, I feel that I don't have any more insights than they have....)

I do agree that these are not minor issues, and trust is paramount in a relationship.

 

[*~*SewHappyNow*~*]

Thank you for all the advice and kind words. It has been helpful in my effort to sort things out. I suppose in a way I would like to just get it over with and move on now... been together 15+ years and I should have known to end it 7 years ago... I'm just tired and ready for some peace.

 

[wemoon]

I agree with everyone here. These are not minor things. Really with my X these kind of things were the breaking straw. Previously he had been vebally and menatlly abusive, I left him, he changed (and he really did), but things were still just not good. Same kind of things, like leaving at odd hours, never being home for supper, spending hours playing video games when I was working my ass off, just a total loser IMO. This is what made the decision for me. I had thought that if he would stop calling me names, stop mentally abusing me, that everything could be great. Well, it wasn't.

You sound like you know that the time has come. Go with your heart and soul, it will lead you in the right direction.

 

[waterproofmascara]

Ditto what everyone else said- and, if they are YOUR reasons, then they are good enough. Only you know what you can and cannot (or will and will not) tolerate.

 

[brusselsprout]

To tell the truth, honestly was the most important issue to me. In thinking my marriage and its problems through almost every single problem we had stemmed from my inability to trust my husband.

If usually suggest to friends that you sit down with a notebook, take the time to get in touch with yourself, do some stream thought journaling if you feel you need to hear your thoughts first, and then write a complete list of the things you need to discuss with your husband. And then before too much time elapses sit down with him and discuss it as calmly as you possibly can (I swear men think that emotion invalidates anything we say

) I really think that in this scenario it is good to decide together a trial period that you will wait to see if things change (3 months, or whatever feels comfortable). Anyway, that is probably what I would have done....