I feel like I am giving AP a bad name

2230 Views 50 Replies 33 Participants Last post by risen_joy, May 15, 2006

JillyD

Discussion Starter · Apr 14, 2006

So, my Dd has been going to daycare for two weeks now. The first day was AWFUL - she hated it there. They called me to come and get her because she was crying so hard that she almost couldn't breathe. So, I came and got her and went home. Although it has gotten better since then, she is still not happy there. She cries really hard (harder than she ever cries at home) and they just don't know what to do to help her. I have given them TONS of ideas but they don't seem to help. It's really hard on all of us.

So, to try to make it all better the director of the center has been working with us to brainstorm different ideas to help her adjust to the place. Today she even had a nurse come in to talk to me. The thing is, i feel like she is trying to tell me that something is wrong with rowan. I feel like Rowan is fine but doens't stand for being left alone under a baby gym for more than about 3 minutes (5 if your are lucky), etc. She isn't like the other babies there at all - she needs more attention,gets frustrated easier, etc. I mentioned to the director that we cosleep, carry her, cloth diaper, and (if we are to catergorize) pretty much follow the AP way of parenting. i feel like that was a mistake! i think she thinks that rowan is the way she is because of the way we parent her. I have friends to AP and their babies are much mellower than rowan - she is just a spunky baby! Anyway, the frustrating part is that now she keeps giving me advice about parenting. On wednesday she told us she "could be eating rice cereal, it might help her temperment"...last week she said "you should check with your ped about her temperment - it might have something to do with not getting enough food" (we have been dealing with low milk supply so that was NOT what I wanted or needed to hear)...and today she told me "we just let her cry today, there was nothing we could do" - GRRRRRR!!!

I know that putting your baby in daycare (rather than a nanny or something like that) is a bit contrary to AP but COME ON! This is suppose to be one of the best centers. We are committed for the next 8 weeks but maybe we need to do something else after that.

thanks for listening...guess i just needed to vent.

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RiverSky

· #2 · Apr 14, 2006

Quote:

Originally Posted by JillyD
This is suppose to be one of the best centers. We are committed for the next 8 weeks but maybe we need to do something else after that.

thanks for listening...guess i just needed to vent.

I'm sorry that it's been so hard for you. Why are you committed for 8 weeks? Is there any way you can break that? How old is your DD? I've heard of other mamas taking a gradual approach to daycare, something like going with DD for an entire day, then scaling back to half a day, etc., but I'm not sure how that would work with an infant, which I'm guessing your DD is.

Sorry that I don't have any advice, but here's a

.

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kerc

· #3 · Apr 14, 2006

for me dd1 was like your daughter at a center based daycare. I moved her to a home based daycare and she's thrived. dd2 could totally handle it (but hasn't had to).

it is hard when your kiddo is like that -- and hard to deal with low milk and just hard to deal with daycare. My dd1 loved having the older kids at the mixed age home based daycare around.

JillyD

Discussion Starter · #4 · Apr 15, 2006

we are committed because we have paid for the entire quarter (I teach community college and we are using the childcare center on campus). I think i was okay with it until they told me they have been letting her CIO. Luckily, she is only there about 3 hours a day right now. I do think she would be better in a different enviornment...

mom2olivia

· #5 · Apr 15, 2006

What about asking them to wear a sling or carrier of some sort? I would think that would help your baby out and also help them, as they could still move about and do what they needed to do and your little one would probably be more content?

I'm new to all of this, but maybe they could try some of your methods instead of trying to "convert" you.

siobhang

· #6 · Apr 15, 2006

If it makes you feel better, I got the same cr*p from various people about my first child because he wasn't easy (still isn't) to leave with new babysitters.

I was told that basically my son's temperment was my fault for "babying" him (he was 11 months old at the time!) or coddling him - and he needed to be "trained" to be left with other people. Sorry, he is just not that kind of kid. He adjusts but it takes him awhile and that is not going to change because he has been like that since birth.

My second son is not like this (and he is being parented in much the same way) so I am even more reassured that I didn't do anything "wrong" with my first - instead I have been paying attention to his inate temperment and needs and trying my best to meet and respect them.

Good luck - this new adjustment is so hard.

Siobhan

lauren

· #7 · Apr 15, 2006

I am so sorry you are going through this. A good day care provider should make you feel better about your parenting, not worse. I so value the dcp's that we have had (home providers) because they were willing to do things the way that we wanted them done.

As you are, I would have a hard time allowing them to have my baby CIO. If they are unwilling to bend on that, I wonder if they are willing to refund you some of your money and let you seek alternative care. Many, many children have spirited temperaments and it should be within a good center's training and skill to care for those babies as well. (are they accredited?)

I hope you can find a different arrangement!

june'smom

· #8 · Apr 15, 2006

we went through the same thing with our dd, but she was older. We put her in the university daycare center for a few half days a week. They let her cry for the whole time and they didn't tell me about it. I found out that she had been crying herself to sleep on the big, mean daycare lady's lap.

She never went back. I am just not ok letting someone allow my kid to cry. I would have gone and gotten her if they had called.

The lady who ran the place let me pull out and they found someone else to fill my spot. Even if they hadn't been ok with it, I would have made a big fuss about it until they caved. Especially since I made it very clear how we needed things to be done.

I am sorry that things are tough for you right now. It is so hard when people are judging how you do things. Some kids just can't be left in big centers. Good luck
Louise

JillyD

Discussion Starter · #9 · Apr 15, 2006

Quote:

Originally Posted by siobhang

I was told that basically my son's temperment was my fault for "babying" him (he was 11 months old at the time!) or coddling him - and he needed to be "trained" to be left with other people. Sorry, he is just not that kind of kid. He adjusts but it takes him awhile and that is not going to change because he has been like that since birth.

Siobhan

Sioban, i totally feel like this is what they are trying to tell me! I truly can't believe it...somehow I thought that the folks at any daycare center would certaintly understand how different children can be from one another. Guess that was naive of me! Rowan is only 6 months old (not even!) - geez! Can't babies be babies anymore?

Anyway, yes, the center is accredited andcomes highly recommended to me by a few different people who i trust (and also have pretty mellow babies). They have a 2:1 ratio and she gets lots of attention...but the lady who usually hangs with rowan isn't in on friday's. i wonder if that was part of the problem today. I really regret not saying something about the CIO rigght away when she told me that this afternoon. i was so shocked that I just didn't know what to say! I kinda just got up and left.

I'm glad that Rowan can tell them when she needs something rather thanjust sitting there but, I just hope that they listen!

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AutumnMama

· #10 · Apr 15, 2006

3

I'm not a WOHMama, but I couldn't read and not reply.
I really think that they could be a little better about trying to adjust to her personality.
If you really feel that you must stay with them for the next 8 weeks I would definitely recommend bringing a sling and showing her caretaker how to properly use it.

Again, I hope things get easier for you both!

ETA: I LOVE the picture of Rowan you have in your sig, just beautiful!

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JoyofBirth

· #11 · Apr 15, 2006

I'm sorry you have to deal with this. It's very sad. They should know that they will have babies that are unhappy with new people in new situations.And this is still pretty new to her. I bet if you parented the way they think is right and she acted like this, they'd be handling it a lot different. That makes me so mad. Also, I'm wondering why do people associate a baby's happiness and food, like solid food, not nursing? So she's not dealing well in a new situation with strangers because she's not getting rice cereal? Rice cereal is going to make her adjustment from being in mommy's arms to being left lying under a baby gym easier? I'm tempted to advise you to tell them that you started giving her rice cereal only at night before bed, per doc's orders and you have taken some of their advice and see if this changes their tune. But somehow I think that would make them feel like they were right, even though I'm sure your baby wouldn't change, and that AP doesn't work. Babies can sense when people are not good people or when they are disapproving. My dd still doesn't like to be around people who totally disapprove of our parenting style. Maybe you can get your money back if you try to phrase it like it's more for their convenience and not you and your baby's. Like tell them that obviously your dd is too much for them or whatever. Give her lots of big snuggles and know that you are doing everything just right. Those dumb daycare people are the ones who are giving AP a bad name.

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VBurd

· #12 · Apr 16, 2006

Is it at all feasible to ask for a refund given the fact that they're not giving your daughter appropriate care?

I'm really sorry. My baby will be starting in-home care soon. I can't imagine how upsetting this must be for you.

Mommy Piadosa

· #13 · Apr 16, 2006

We (Ventura County AP moms group) just donated about 3 carriers to our local community college daycare center. Since they are all students themselves they are very into learning about and trying "the latest and greatest research" Could you promote babywearing to them that way. (If you need research I have all the scientific studies etc from a paper I just did.)
Dana

Kathryn

· #14 · Apr 16, 2006

Having worked in daycare centers, I can tell you from my experience, that doing CIO is very normal. You are going to be very hardpressed to find one that doesn't do it. If it were me, I would ask for a refund (partial or full) and get her into an in home daycare or even just a part time nanny at your home. You said it's only 3 hours a day, right? That's very do-able for a lot of people. I run an in home daycare and one of the girls I watch is only here for 3 hours every day.
I would not leave my child in a center who does those things.

nextcommercial

· #15 · Apr 16, 2006

I am a home daycare provider. So, speaking from the provider's point of veiw....occasionally, even *I* have to let a baby cry it out.

It's hard to do......I hate it....But, I can't carry one child all day at the expense of all the others. In my home day care, it only gets bad around lunch time. I just cannot prepare a lunch with a baby in a sling. When I have a crier, I put him or her in a stroller and let her cry. I only take one baby at a time, so it is easier for me to hold a baby all day.

For some kids, there is no replacement for Mommy or Daddy. Some kids are just not day care material. I know beyond a doubt that my daughter was not daycare material. She was not an infant that providers would have an easy time with. She was a Momma's girl.

Here is my concern for Rowan.....She is not endearing herself to the providers. She is screaming all day, the providers are getting upset, and are probably not really WANTING her to be there. All providers get this feeling about some kids every now and then. I don't know of a single person who would ever dream of hurting Rowan.....but, they are probably not forming an attachment. She knows that they aren't warming up to her.

One thing that will help would be to meet with all the teachers and the director. Ask them if they think they can handle this and if they are willing to take the extra time it will take to get her used to being on her own. It might take one specific teacher to devote her whole day to Rowan. I really hope that this situation will work out for her. If not, please look into home daycare, or a nanny.

I wish you the best of luck....she is SO beautiful.

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Mommy Piadosa

· #16 · Apr 16, 2006

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kathryn
Having worked in daycare centers, I can tell you from my experience, that doing CIO is very normal.

Really? I've had the opposite experience- having one child wailing sets them all of- so in the interest of keeping peace CIO is not used.

Kathryn

· #17 · Apr 16, 2006

Yeah, it's almost always done for naps because they simply do not have enough people to rock and hold for the whole nap. They also usually have fairly strict schedules that they adhere to.

nextcommercial

· #18 · Apr 16, 2006

Quote:

Originally Posted by Madre Piadosa
Really? I've had the opposite experience- having one child wailing sets them all of- so in the interest of keeping peace CIO is not used.

Unfortunately, day care centers are not set up for attachment parenting. How would they co-sleep with an infant? They have to try to let her cry it out. And it is HARD, stressful, and an awful feeling to let a baby cry it out. Especially one so little.

But, assuming there are six or more infants in the room, two teachers, and LOTS to do.....how can they hold her all day? That is six babies to feed, six to diaper, six to cuddle and sing with. Teachers must disinfect the toys, and the diaper changer. They have to attend to all the kids.

However, they should be providing these kids with a stimulating enviroment. All the kids should feel and BE loved by their providers. They should have a comfey, quiet place to sleep. But, many centers must leave the lights on during nap.....it's hard to fall alseep in a light, and noisy room.

Poor little Rowan, I am sure this is SO completley unlike anything she is used to. She may need a quiet peaceful enviroment. Maybe having all these other crying babies (all babies cry) is just too much stimulation. I feel bad for Rowan...She's not trying to be difficult.....she just wants things to be the way they usually are. This is all just weird to her.

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A&A

· #19 · Apr 16, 2006

Quote:

Originally Posted by kerc
for me dd1 was like your daughter at a center based daycare. I moved her to a home based daycare and she's thrived. My dd1 loved having the older kids at the mixed age home based daycare around.

And my son was just the opposite.........he HATED the home-based center he was in (the older kids made him nervous), but he really likes the center he is in now.

Diane B

· #20 · Apr 17, 2006

Quote:

Originally Posted by nextcommercial
Unfortunately, day care centers are not set up for attachment parenting. How would they co-sleep with an infant? They have to try to let her cry it out. And it is HARD, stressful, and an awful feeling to let a baby cry it out. Especially one so little.

Ok, folks. Please let's stop the blanket statements about "daycare centers." I know many of us on this board have our children in centers that do not do CIO, including mine. In my daughter's infant room, babies were allowed to sleep where they preferred, and that included being rocked in a providers' lap and sleeping there. (Our daughter's choice.) Babies were not left to cry alone, or cry themselves to sleep. Even as a toddler, my daughter's little cot is placed right next to where the teacher sits during naptime.

Quote:

Originally Posted by nextcommercial
But, assuming there are six or more infants in the room, two teachers, and LOTS to do.....how can they hold her all day? That is six babies to feed, six to diaper, six to cuddle and sing with. Teachers must disinfect the toys, and the diaper changer. They have to attend to all the kids.

Well, the providers in my daughter's room seemed to have the ability to hold three at once - I saw it many times! They had an aide to help with diaper changes, and they did the toy disinfectant/room cleaning at night.

That said, it sounds like this daycare is just not a good fit for this particular little girl - best wishes finding a better alternative. When you feel discouraged, there's a thread a ways back on this forum where people wrote in about why they LIKED their daycare arrangements - I found it encouraging.

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