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A good friend of mine had her 2nd baby about a week ago. She only BFed her 1st child for 2 weeks and then quit b/c of "not enough milk." During most of this pg, she was adament about not BFing b/c she "didn't want to feel like a failure again." I tried to set a good example by nursing my DD around her. When we would talk about our lives, I would try to mention how I'd dealt w/ my latest BFing obstacle, how nursing could always calm DD, how much I enjoyed it.<br><br>
I thought I had done things right when she called me several weeks ago to say that she had decided to "try" BFing again. I was so thrilled, and we talked for hours. I told her about all benefits of BFing, how to overcome obstacles, about the myths and how they're perpetrated by the formula companies. I told her to call me anytime and gave her the name of a LC and a pro-BFing ped.<br><br>
Well, she just called me to tell me that her baby was born (induced for no reason, but that's a separate rant) a week ago. After she told me all about the birth, I asked how BFing was going. That's when she told me she had decided not to and she was SO glad she hadn't b/c there's no way her 20 month old DD would let her "sit and nurse a baby all day." Then, she mentioned that they feed her every 3 hours, "but she'd eat more often than that if they'd let her." I asked why she made the baby wait to eat, and she said BECAUSE THE HOSPITAL TOLD HER TO. I feel like crying. I feel like I've failed her, like it's my fault, like I did something to turn her off of BFing. Ugh...
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">s mama. It sounds like you did everything right, it's not your fault. You did mention that she was leaning towards ff anyway. Maybe the stress of having a toddler and a babe was too much for her to handle and she just couldn't deal, and maybe her support system at home isn't that great for bfing either. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/shrug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="shrug"> You sound like a great friend and it sounds like you didn't PUSH bfing on her, but gave her info to make an informed decision. Don't beat yourself up, YOU didn't make the decision, SHE did.
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> I'm sorry. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad">
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>callmemama</strong></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">She's the one that failed - you did everything you could!</div>
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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/irked.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="irked">:<br>
ALright.. THis attitude chaps me off.. I am as much of a lactivist as the next person.. The truth is that not everyone breastfeeds.. And in America.. MOST people don't.. So... Breastfeeding is harder because in many places people don't do it.. Especially not in public..<br><br>
This momma didn't fail anymore than the OP did.. She did feel like she failed with her 1st dc.. WE do not live this momma's life.. It seemed like an overwhelming thing for her.. It's unfortunate that our society sets new mothers up this way..<br>
BUT MAKING A DIFFERENT DECISIONS DOES NOT MAKE THIS MOTHER A FAILURE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/splat.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="splat"><br><br>
Very nice..<br><br>
Dyan<br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/irked.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="irked">: <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/irked.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="irked">:
 

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Dyan, dear, I have to disagree with you.<br><br>
She DID fail. She failed at breastfeeding. She had wanted to breastfeed, and didn't. She failed at it. That's really not disputable, and it's not a matter of "different parenting," it's a matter of she set out to do X and she didn't do X, and so, BY DEFINITION, she failed at X.<br><br>
Does that make her a failure as a mother? No, not by itself. I think its an indication of several things, including, yes, her not being as good IN THIS WAY as a mother who succeeds at breastfeeding.<br><br>
That said, I agree with what you said about American society, that we set women up for failure at breastfeeding, and that we are the ones (not "us" lactavists, but "us" as in the USA as a whole) who failed in supporting her and failed her and her child. There are LOTS of women like her, who, with the right support, would make the RIGHT DECISIONS (yes, I'm making a value judgement) regarding breastfeeding, but without it, fail at breastfeeding and default to formula feeding.<br><br>
I don't think the person who said she failed meant she's a failure as a mother (not breastfeeding certainly isn't enough to qualify as that!), but simply that she failed at breastfeeding. Which she did.
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> You really shouldn't feel bad. You had no chance--- the mother didn't want to bfeed, was not going to and you couldn't do any thing about it.<br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
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<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">This momma didn't fail anymore than the OP did..</td>
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I don't consider it a bfeeding failure--- she didn't want to and she didn't. I do consider her to have failed to put her baby's health FIRST though.
 
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