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I feel like I just did CIO

1352 Views 25 Replies 18 Participants Last post by  Deer Hunter, 
Pumpkin_Pie
So, DS has been fighting bedtime for the past few weeks. It all started with a couple of nights in a row that he couldn't fall asleep easily, and in my frustration, I brought him back downstairs with me while I finished up my chores for the night. Now he asks to go to bed, we do our bedtime routine, and as soon as he starts to drift off, he pops up and says, "Carry downstairs?"

I try so hard to get him to go back to sleep, but it hasn't been working, so I have been caving and just bringing him back down to play for another hour or so and then when we go back up, it is a battle to get him down. I am so exhausted, I can barely see straight. He has also been waking in the middle of the night and asking to go downstairs, and again at around 4:30 or 5am. It is insane...

Tonight, I tried a version of the Super Nanny trick (please, no flames, I was absolutely desperate...) I laid down with him, nursed him, sang his lullabies, and when he popped up to ask if he could go downstairs with me, I said, "No, it is time for sleep, lay back down and go to sleep". This was said as gently as possible, and I picked him up and laid him down beside me.

He popped up immediately and said, "Carry downstairs???" a little more forcefully, so I simply said, "It's time for sleep, sweetie" and laid him back down. After that, every time he popped back up, I simply laid him back down beside me, but I didn't speak. I also didn't let him nurse again.

I am not wanting to night wean, but I do need him to cut back some. My nipples are so sore, and he can literally nurse for hours at night. I can't sleep through him nursing any more, and I need to get some sleep. I am averaging around 3-5 hours a night, and I cannot function as a sane, rational, gentle mama on that little amount of sleep.

It took about an hour and a half of him crying, tantruming, screaming, begging, and pleading before he finally settled down and went to sleep. I never left his side, and I would occasionally say to him, "It is time for sleep sweetie". I tried a few times to rub his back, or his feet, but that just made him more stressed, so I finally gave up and just laid beside him.

It all felt so wrong, but I have no idea what on earth I need to do to get him to sleep. Please mamas, give me some advice.

I am positive he is not in pain, he has been napping well, and he is not sick. I am just praying that he does not wake up again at around 2 and again at 5 as usual to repeat the same thing again tonight. I don't know what I will do. It felt like it was tearing my heart out watching him cry next to me. There has to be a more gentle way to do this.
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S
Just wanted to send some you some
....I'm not a BTDT but I just wanted to say I don't think what you did was CIO, you were there to comfort him as best you could, it's not like you just left him alone to deal with his frustration by himself. I hope things go a little bit easier for you for the rest of the night! Sleep vibes to your little guy!
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T
3


My DD got in that habit for a while too, after a few weeks when I was sick and DH was out in the evenings. I don't have a better way of dealing with it, just a different way--I strapped her on my back in the Ergo and did chores in the bedrooms only, with only nightlights on. She felt like she was in on the action, I felt like I was getting stuff done. After two or three nights like that, I switched to doing chores only in her room. Then I started just swaying in her room. *Finally* I was able to transition to the rocking chair. Oy. She's a big girl.


Less nighttime nursing was a whole other story.
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T
Oh you poor mama!! I don't think that what you did was CIO, you didn't leave him alone to cry and he was just voicing being upset about not getting the choice to go downstairs. We are the parents and we need to be the ones setting the limits. We all hate to hear our babes cry but sometimes when they don't get what they want that is what they will do. How you handle it is the difference and you were gentle and loving. It is a whole different story to leave them not return and let them cry by themselves in a dark bedroom. I hope get some sleep! Sleep deprivation is a killer....(going on 5 years of it myself!)
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M
i don't think what you did was CIO either! i think you made a good decision based on the health of your family.

i would have had a very difficult time being as patient as you were with him!

maybe it's time to add a new twist or story to the bedtime routine? something special to catch his mind and help him relax?

sometimes i've found that adding something different to the bedtime routine can actually seem disruptive at first. so sometimes i've introduced the new story or song or whatever by -- using it while playing putting a doll to sleep during the day for a couple days, or telling the story at nap time, or by teliing my dd when her teeth are getting brushed that tonight i have a special new bedtime story for her.

good luck!
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FullMetalMom
I don't think it's CIO either. Sometimes we have to make decisions for them that they don't like and boy do they fight it! But its far from leaving him to cry alone, you were there for him.
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G
That was far from CIO. You stayed with him, he knew you were there. He is just upset he is not getting what he wants. Dont be so hard on yourself. It is not like you plopped a hungy 3 month old in a crib, turned out the light, shut the door and put in ear plugs or anything.
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S
I agree with the other moms! Please try not to be so hard on yourself.
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Twinklefae
2
Quote:

Originally Posted by GooeyRN View Post
That was far from CIO. You stayed with him, he knew you were there. He is just upset he is not getting what he wants. Dont be so hard on yourself. It is not like you plopped a hungy 3 month old in a crib, turned out the light, shut the door and put in ear plugs or anything.
:
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Pumpkin_Pie
Thanks for the replies mamas. It was so hard to not nurse him when every bone in my body was wanting to do just that. I want to nurse him to sleep, I just can't spend two plus hours doing it every single time he wakes up anymore. I also can't nurse him for an hour or two, then bring him back downstairs with me so he can play more and then nurse him for another hour or two to get him to sleep. My nipples feel so trashed, and I am really starting to resent nursing him at all, and I am extremely committed to CLW'ing.

After I went to bed last night, I rolled him over and latched him on for a while to make sure he had his fill to hopefully not have him wake up again any time soon. He nursed for maybe 10 minutes and then unlatched pretty easily. He woke to nurse twice in the night, and I unlatched him when he started playing around and twiddling and said, "Time for sleep buddy" and rolled away from him. Both times he cried for maybe 10 seconds and then rolled over and went back to sleep. I don't know if it was because he was exhausted from crying, or if he realized I meant it when I said "no more nursing right now, time for sleep". I guess we will see tonight.

I am still not really sure how I feel about the whole thing, but we both need to get better sleep, and I really need to not have a toddler latched onto my nipple all night long.

Thanks so much for listening, and for the support. I just wish there was a "right" way to handle everything and it wasn't so subjective.
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L
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Pumpkin_Pie
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Update:

So this afternoon, I noticed what look like broken capillaries all over his cheeks.
I can't believe I let him cry hard enough to break capillaries.
I did it again with him for his nap and when he woke up, I saw what looked like little red dots all over his face. I looked closer and it is right under his skin, and definitely is not a rash.

For his nap, I put him down, nursed him until he was done, sang lullabies, and stroked his head again, and then when he popped off and tried to get up to play again, I just said, "time for sleep" and laid him back down. It lasted 45 minutes at nap time, but it was another hard core tantrum/screaming/sobbing mess just like last night. I have no idea what to do about his face now. I feel like I should probably bring him in, but I don't know what to do for broken capillaries. Plus I feel like I caused it, and I feel so guilty.

I can't believe we are going through this. I just feel like such a bad mama all over again.
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tinyblackdot
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M
It's tough when they want to stay up and we want them to go to sleep! I have an all night nurser, too. I let him choose when to go to sleep at night. I encourage sleep by laying in bed and if he is ready, he will lay next to me and nurse to sleep, which sometimes takes a while. If he's not ready, he will get back up and play. My house is not super clean when I go to bed. It's just not that important to me. For naps, I often walk or jog him to sleep in a stroller because I prefer him to nap at around the same time everyday and this is the easiest way for us to make that happen. If he won't go in, I nurse him or he naps later. On days when I am going somewhere, I plan to leave at naptime so he falls asleep on the way home. I can easily transfer him to bed and he finishes his nap there. If someone in my family is upset, I ask myself, "why are we struggling about this and is it worth it?" Usually the answer is there is no important reason to struggle and we change things so that we can all get what we want.

He is upset and you are upset so change something to make you both happy!
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G
I hate bed time battles.
Sorry to hear about the rough times. I hope you soon find something that works. Your little guy is almost 2? I could not handle 2 years of that. I dont know what I would do in your situation. I have 2 young children who are young so I just cant sleep when the younger one sleeps. No one would be watching the 3 year old. She needs some special time with mommy after getting the short end of the stick all day. A lot of housework can be put off, but some things HAVE to get done eventually, ya know? It is not fun to wake up to stinky dirty dishes and everyone be cranky and hungry and have to wait until the dishes are done until you can make something to eat.

I don't know how you feel about this idea... It may cause some crying up front, but do you think your dh would be up for doing bedtime for a little while? You can nurse him to fill his belly, then hand him over to dh. You can go for a walk or whatever so the milkies aren't available, and your ds will know the milkies aren't there. He may go to sleep easier for your dh. And if your dh could be the one to respond on his first waking he may get the idea that milkies sleep at night.

I feel for you. I really do. My ds goes through phases where he will nurse for 2 hours (and I can not sleep through it) but it is normally only when he is teething or whatever. I could not deal with it on a daily basis. Even when he is teething, after he goes back to sleep, if he pops up again within a few minutes, I go wake up dh and hand ds over. For some reason, he goes to sleep for my dh on the rocker no problem, where as for me he would have nursed on and off again for up to another hour.
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Pumpkin_Pie
5
Quote:

Originally Posted by MichelleAnnette View Post
It's tough when they want to stay up and we want them to go to sleep! I have an all night nurser, too. I let him choose when to go to sleep at night. I encourage sleep by laying in bed and if he is ready, he will lay next to me and nurse to sleep, which sometimes takes a while. If he's not ready, he will get back up and play. My house is not super clean when I go to bed. It's just not that important to me. For naps, I often walk or jog him to sleep in a stroller because I prefer him to nap at around the same time everyday and this is the easiest way for us to make that happen. If he won't go in, I nurse him or he naps later. On days when I am going somewhere, I plan to leave at naptime so he falls asleep on the way home. I can easily transfer him to bed and he finishes his nap there. If someone in my family is upset, I ask myself, "why are we struggling about this and is it worth it?" Usually the answer is there is no important reason to struggle and we change things so that we can all get what we want.

He is upset and you are upset so change something to make you both happy!
I was doing this, and this is how the whole "going downstairs after almost nursing down" thing started. I felt like I just wasn't going to fight it, and even though I desperately needed some time in the evenings away from him after spending every single second with him every single day, I just didn't have the fight in me to make a huge issue out of it.

I agree that in the grand scheme of things, letting him choose when he wants to be asleep and when he wants to be awake is the ideal solution, but he gets so crabby, whiny, and clingy when he is over tired, and I can't just sit on the couch and nurse for hours on end simply because he doesn't want to go to bed.

As for his naps, I need him to nap at around noon. M daycare boy that I take care of already would like to nap at around 10:30am or so, and I keep him awake until around noon so that I can get them both to sleep at the same time.

Quote:

Originally Posted by GooeyRN View Post
I hate bed time battles.
Sorry to hear about the rough times. I hope you soon find something that works. Your little guy is almost 2? I could not handle 2 years of that. I dont know what I would do in your situation. I have 2 young children who are young so I just cant sleep when the younger one sleeps. No one would be watching the 3 year old. She needs some special time with mommy after getting the short end of the stick all day. A lot of housework can be put off, but some things HAVE to get done eventually, ya know? It is not fun to wake up to stinky dirty dishes and everyone be cranky and hungry and have to wait until the dishes are done until you can make something to eat.
Exactly. I let the housework slide occasionally, but if I don't keep up with it every day, it gets completely overwhelming, and DS will not let me do ANY housework while he is awake without hanging on me screaming and crying. If it is the laundry, I have to go into the basement and he wants to come with me (not safe). If it is the dishes, he wants to play in the water, which takes up the sink and I can't wash them. If it is sweeping/mopping the floor, he wants the broom/mop and will throw himself on me to try to grab them. Housework absolutely must be done after he goes to bed. There just isn't another option on that one.

Quote:

Originally Posted by GooeyRN View Post
I don't know how you feel about this idea... It may cause some crying up front, but do you think your dh would be up for doing bedtime for a little while? You can nurse him to fill his belly, then hand him over to dh. You can go for a walk or whatever so the milkies aren't available, and your ds will know the milkies aren't there. He may go to sleep easier for your dh. And if your dh could be the one to respond on his first waking he may get the idea that milkies sleep at night.
This is a fabulous idea. Now if only I could find a DH.
Not to be snarky at all here. I just so wish I had a partner to help in times like this. I have been a single mama since I was 10 weeks pregnant, so I have no idea what it is like to have a partner help you with child care.
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A
i think you are doing a great job!! I think its important to mothers to listen to their bodies and pay attention to your needs a little bit too. I think that as long as you can remain gentle with him you are not harming him, you are just setting limits and that is OK!! You are truly finding a balance which many parents are not able to do. Its a fine line, but I think as crappy as it is to battle with your child, its equally important to teach your child to respect your body and your needs as well. In a respectful way!!!
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G
Sorry! I should not have assumed you had a partner. That makes EVERYTHING 100 times more difficult then when it comes to getting all of the housework done. I can do some things while the kids are up, but most has to be done while at least the younger one is asleep. Mopping up the floor (yes, totally necessary when you have 2 that throw food and had rats visiting in the past!) is a nightmare with kids playing in the mop water and fighting for the mop. I have no idea how you single mama's do it.
In your situation, I definatly would work on getting an hour to yourself in the evening to get stuff done, since you dont have someone to pick up the slack with housework or let you sleep in on Saturdays. Take care of yourself, or you wont be able to care for your kid. I am not saying to do CIO or anything, but your kid is old enough to understand the boobies can only handle so much and you both need to sleep at night. The only way I would be letting him stay up, was if he played alone while you did your stuff. Any crying, whining, or clinging past 9pm is a ticket to bed.
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Tilia
Do you do Hyland's? My daughter would act like that when she was teething. She started teething her 2 year molars about 2 months before her second birthday. I gave her 3 Hyland's teething tablets about an hour before she was supposed to be in bed. Another thing that worked was warm chamomile tea with honey, before bed.
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Pumpkin_Pie
2
Quote:

Originally Posted by Tilia View Post
Do you do Hyland's? My daughter would act like that when she was teething. She started teething her 2 year molars about 2 months before her second birthday. I gave her 3 Hyland's teething tablets about an hour before she was supposed to be in bed. Another thing that worked was warm chamomile tea with honey, before bed.
I have done Hylands in the past and it sometimes works. I will definitely give it another try, thanks for the reminder. I have also read about Hyland's Calms Forte. I keep forgetting to pick it up, but I think I will go get some today to see if it might help a bit. I will also try some warm tea for him tonight.

I am pretty sure he isn't teething, he just got his eye teeth, and I have looked in his mouth for more molars, and there doesn't even look like he has the room for them yet. His jaw pretty much stops after his one year molars still. Plus, he has never really been all that fussy during teething. He is just a crappy sleeper, and has been since birth.
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