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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
First off I'll apologize for this being long...thank you so much for taking the time to help me.<br><br>
My oldest dd is 6 and is in grade 1 french immersion. Over the years we have problems with her behaviour off and on. Recently her behaviour has become much worse and I'm really not sure how to handle her anymore.<br><br>
The behaviour that I'm talking about is:<br>
* not listening<br>
a) when she's asked to do something she completely ignores us and does her own thing<br>
b) when asked to stop doing something (such as dancing in the grocery store and almost bumping into people) - she completely ignores us<br>
* throwing temper tantrums when we finally do get her attention and she doesn't want to do/stop doing as we've asked<br><br>
This behaviour is at home and we're now being told that it's at school as well. And I really don't know what to do. Is it too much to ask a 6 yo to do as she's asked some of the time? She rarely does something the first time we ask her to....<br><br>
So what have we been doing thus far? Counting (which is completely ineffective - and I know that), time outs (again completely ineffective), correcting behaviour by physically having her do it (ie turn pick her up and bring her to the tv to turn it off), yelling (not our finest hour I know - but it's sooooo frustrating).<br><br>
So I thought what we were going through was fairly normal 6 yo behaviour - but we had a meeting today with her teacher after her report card (with good grades in the subjects but social skills were rated very badly) and the behaviours are very bad at school as well - to the point where her teacher lost her one day. She saw dd in line up for school but when dd came in the school she wandered off to who knows where. Teacher had to call the office and have them look for her. Apparently in the classroom, she rarely follows the routine, and avoids doing any work. She's often not at all attentive, distracted, unfocused to the point where her teacher really thought that she wasn't picking up much from the lessons, since she wasn't actually paying attention. Fortunately, she has picked up french quite well - and is doing very well academically - her teacher was floored. This really shows her aptitude and ability - her teacher is sure that she could be a top student if she actually paid attention in class.<br><br>
So I guess my questions are:<br><br>
I want to do the right thing with her...I'm just not sure what that is. Consistency is key - I know this...but what am I supposed to be doing consistently?<br><br>
GD - is something I aspire to...I get that logical and natural consequences are the way to go - I just have a hard time figuring out what they are...is there any place that could shed some light on this for me?<br><br>
How do you know that this is a behavioural issue and not a medical/learning disability issue (ie ADHD)? I asked her teacher if she thought this was behavioural not some learning disability and she said she thought that it was behavioural though she did use words like concentrate, focus, attention a lot to describe what dd isn't doing.<br><br>
Thanks for any insight!<br><br>
Cheri
 

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Since she's doing so well academically without trying very hard in class, do you think she might be gifted? I know nothing about this but it sounds like maybe she's bored and perhaps acting out because of that. When did this behavior start? Did she go to preschool and kindergarten? Was it like this then? Does she have many friends?<br><br>
It sounds like a good first step might be to try and understand the underlying causes of her behavior - boredom, social issues with friends, etc.<br><br>
Sounds tough and it seems like you've tried lots of things to address the behavior...I might take a step back and look for the causes and see if that sheds some light. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

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I think a good place to start would be letting go of thinking about these problems as a motivational problem (that consequences can solve by motivating her to do better), and taking some time to look for underlying causes. This doesn't sound like a parenting-caused problem to me, and I don't think you can address any problem effectively without taking the time to understand what's at the root of it.<br><br>
I would seriously consider an evaluation to help you better understand what's going on. A teacher is not, imo, qualified to tell you that it's "just behavioral" (read: the parents' fault). And if it is causing problems for her at school, I would think you could insist on an evaluation through the school.
 

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I agree with the pps that it might be better to look for a cause before you look for a solution. My first thought also was that she is bored in school.
 

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ITA w/looking for underlying causes. Plus, it's useful to remember that even though we are being GD or whatever, this doesn't mean that the specific thing we are doing is appropriate for our DCs' temperament or personality. My first impression is that she <i>feels</i> controlled. This doesn't necessarily mean YOU are being controlling. But if a child <i>feels</i> controlled and doesn't like it, there will be behavioral consequences. I recently read Raising Our Children Raising Ourselves by Naomi Aldort and found it to be extremely helpful, not only in communicating with my kids, but also in helping myself heal from my own messy childhood!<br>
Kids ALWAYS have a reason for what they are doing. We as parents need to step back and separate our own reactions from our kids' behavior. They need to be attended to in a way they can feel it, not just so we think we are connecting, KWIM? And the only way we can know is by honestly watching their responses. They need to be heard, validated and then let go so they have the freedom to truly make their own decisions. Most of us were not raised with the trust that we would know what is best for us, so it is hard to trust our kids will. But they really do. Even at 6, with, of course, appropriate boundaries. (i.e. "No my dear, you may not drive the car; that is illegal and unsafe. Would you like to see if we can find a computer driving game?")<br>
Every age has its challenges but when we are seeing this kind of behavior, we need to get to the bottom of it so our kids can own their own stuff and we can own ours. It's when we try to own theirs or get them to own ours that we get into trouble IMO. My DCs displayed all of these behaviors FWIW.<br>
One of the best pieces of advice I ever got was that my kids came into this world with their own karma and baggage. And that as hard as it was to be DSs mama, it was waaaay harder to be him!
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
Thank you all for your advice.<br><br>
I've taken a look at some different "disabilities". I looked at gifted "symptoms" and they don't really fit I don't think - she didn't read early, and a lot of the gifted stuff is where they are extremely attentive - and well unfortunatley, she's not. Though I do think she's bored - she doesn't want to do the work. She even said she doesn't like grade 1 because she doesn't get to play anymore and she wants to go back to K...LOL. Have I raised a lazy child?<br><br>
So, responses in another forum suggested other medical ideas and one , AD/HD, inattentive type, intrigues me. Does anyone have any experience with this?<br><br>
Over the weekend and the last few days her behaviour has been up and down. She was really good for a couple of days but then it starts again. It's incredibly frustrating. There is other stuff that complicates it though....she has issues with her hearing (she's got chronic fluid and is getting tubes tomorrow). The last time right before she got tubes (this will be her 4th set) her behaviour was markedly worse as well...so perhaps that's all that's going on...though my gut says it isn't. We'll see after tomorrow how things improve and if we need to investigate further.<br><br>
Because her behavious was such a problem for us at home (and because my dh is a bit of a yeller and it was too much for me) we have already met with a social worker/counsellor to develop a parenting plan. I'm hoping that it lends some consistency. It's already stopped the yelling (I didn't know my dh could change so quickly - I guess he knew I meant business when I dragged him to counselling eh? LOL) - which is great. So I'm hoping it'll improve everything. And if we give it the ol' college try and still don't see an improvment then I'll know it's something else.<br><br>
K, I'm rambling - just thought I'd give you an update. If anyone has anything further to add - I'd love to hear it!<br><br>
Thanks again!<br>
Cheri
 
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