[oliversmum2000]

I am having such a hard time with my nearly 3 yo son at the moment and just feel lost.

I love him I really do but I frequently feel like I don't like him very much. Over the last couple of months he has turned from a sweet gentle happy, considerate child to a stroppy, rampaging nightmare.

He hits when he doesn't get his way right away, he shouts shut up a lot, he is uncooperative especially with getting dressed. Even when I try and do nice things with him they end up being a disaster, as he will shout at me a lot for not doing everything exactly how he wants it done at the right moment. Today we were making cakes for his birthday party tomorrow, he got cross because there was nothing to do between making them and icing them as they were in the oven then cooling. He got cross, as I wouldn't let him eat them all when they were ready - I let him have 2. And then he got angry when I had to tidy up even though I tried to involve him and let him help.

He is very affectionate and he has an obsession with my stomach and back - he calls it tummy middle and is always putting his hands under my top to grab at my stomach and back, when I am feeling tired and frustrated this is the last thing I want him to do. It is worse when we are out as he tries to lift my top up and play with my stomach all the time. I try to explain we only cuddle like that at home but he doesn't care.

Sorry to go on but as a breastfeeding toddler he has developed a terrible latch and cannot seem to fix it, every time he nurses I feel his teeth on my nipple and it hurts. I either put up with it or nag him till we find a vaguely acceptable position. But when he and baby want to nurse together it is even worse as they both wriggle a lot and Oscar spends the whole time trying to pull Oliver's hair.

<<sigh>>

Sorry to go on I am just tired and fed up and it is 9pm and I have to bake a cake for his party tomorrow and wrap the party prizes etc and where is my dh - at the pub. After about 4 weeks of him working till gone 10pm and working weekends where is he - in the bloody pub with his friends.

I feel very isolated and alone and like there is a widening gulf appearing between me and my precious Oliver and I am too tired to figure out how to make it better and I think he and I both have a lot of frustration and anger at dh not being around.

Any help would be greatly appreciated as I feel like the worst mother in the world.

 

[Quirky]

Oh, mama, you need a hug, a hot bath, and a stiff drink!

I don't have any brilliant advice for you except to hang in there; this too shall pass. My ds is only 14 months old so I haven't hit toddler hell yet, but my good friend's son has passed several times through angel-devil-angel-devil phases, and somehow they have both managed to make it through to the good times again. This little boy had an especially tough time when his younger brother was born, but he has really matured in the past several months and is just the nicest kid right now.

Sounds like you need to have a nice long talk with your dh about how much his son needs him.....and how much you need him to pull his weight.

I hope the other wise mamas here have some more concrete suggestions for you.

 

[PumpkinSeeds]

I'm not in your situation so I can't speak from experience, but I did have a similar feeling toward my 2.5 year old about a month ago.

What really helped a lot was getting my dh more involved in the daily routine, especially putting my ds down for bed at night. That freed me up to have a little "me" time which I hadn't realized I was severely lacking in. What a difference a "free" hour in the evening makes.

 

[Mizelenius]

It sounds like you are just plain worn out . . .overextended and undersupported (is that a word?).

I have recently had some feelings of annoyance with my DD (20 months), which were very uncomfortable. It can be hard to remember those euphoric days of infancy and see myself now being impatient with her . . .

When I reflect on the things that bother me the most, however, I realize that if factors beyond our relationship were to change, I wouldn't be so impatient. In other words, the issues aren't inherent to our relationship. I think it might be the same for you. For example, if your DH were home more, it might not be such an issue that your DS becomes unreasonable at times. Your husband could help your son through the tough times instead of it always being you. It has nothing to do with your not liking your son , but rather more that you don't like that it is always you who has to have eternal patience. You may not be able to change the circumstances, but if you at remember that it isn't Oliver, just factors outside of your control that are the issue, it might be a bit easier to bear (but I really hope your husband starts to help more!).

 

[Becca'sMama]

Hi! I am new to MDC and have been reading new posts this evening. Yours has really stuck a cord with me and I actually have tears in my eyes for you! I agree with the other ladies, you need a break. I have an alomost 3 year old and some days it is BAD! She can be a real angel and I find that we really get along and I feel like a really good mommy when I get enough sleep and I get a good brean from her. How? you ask? In the past year and a half I have been trying to wean my dd-we still nurse. But at 18 months she nursed like a newborn and I thought i was gonna go nuts! My nipples hurt, I was still getting up twice a night, and I just didn't want to do it anymore. What worked for me was to MAKE my dh get involved. He worked 7 days a week and long hours at that. His involvment with our dd was reflected in her behavior. The more time he spent with her the better her behavior. I don't know if this will work in your home, but it sure has helped me!

My dh still works 7 days a week but now he can put dd to bed at night! We only nurse at naptime-that is if we get a nap! So, just remember, others have been there and it was hard on them too. You are a good mama and this phase will pass. It is just really hard on you now because you are tired and don't have enough support. Please keep reading posts and I'll bet you hear from other mama's who've been there too!
I wish you all the luck-and a bit of sleep too!

Becca'sMama
mama to Rebecca who will be 3 in November

:bf

:bf

 

[Turtle Woman]

I have been trying to write to you for two days but never had more than 2 minutes until now.

I never experienced the terrible two's it was the terrible 3 1/2 to 5. Somehow the fifth birthday did magical wonders for both of my dd's. DD2 was especially a nightmare. There were so many days and still when my DH and I think she is so insane. It honestly seems like you are doing an excellent job. If you continue what you are doing your son will pull through this and appreciate what a wonderful mother he has (at some point). I know it's hard to wait and see no immediate rewards for your hard work.

Try to make some time for your self. It will do wonders. Sometimes I stay up until 2am just so I can do a project or read or write or stare at a candle. I know it's easier said than done. Sometimes I feel so exhausted the next day but I have a new peace inside me and it makes it easier to do for others.

Sometimes if I've had a really hard day, I put on music and have a glass of wine or beer while I make dinner and let the dd's draw me pictures at the kitchen table. My DH usually works pretty late so I am alone with the kids in the evenings and sometimes he doesn't even make it for dinner. I used to get so mad and then I realized he didn't mind working late because it was better than coming home to a mad wife. I decided to change my attitude and be real sweet. Now he tries a lot harder to get home earlier and make it for dinner.

Maybe you could explain to your dh that you feel like_________ if you don't get some help or a break. My friend gave me some great advice yesterday. She said to find something you really have (want) to do and leave the house for 4-6 hours and have dh watch the kids (not the baby, but you could probably leave the baby for two hours). When you come back he will have a new appreciation for you whether he admits it or not. If he's stuttering about the mess or what he couldn't do sweetly say "That's ok honey. I feel like that every day."

My girls were 14 months a part and I always felt so bad that they had to share me so young. It helped alot when my mom or a friend or their dad could spend time with one of them so I could be with the other. They also each need daddy time. Especially your son.

Sometimes I feel like the worst mom but I try not to dwell on it for to long. I think about all the good things I know I am doing and figure out how to learn from the mistakes I've made. I write and read and listen to music a lot.

I hope I have been of some support to you.

Blessings Mama.

 

[0cean]

read this story

http://www.continuum-concept.org/rea...ngHarmony.html

I have had similar struggles and havent totally "fixed" them... part of it is just something to grow out of but kids really do pick up a lot of adults stress and aggrivation and it just becomes the "normal" way and it is hard to take.... but then I realize it must be even harder for the little ones to take from the adults.

shayna

 

[0cean]

I am going to post a portion of the article so it can be read by those who dont have time for the whole thing...

Quote:

"The child needs a mother who is confident and calm," Jean explained. "A mother who knows what to do, and doesn't ask permission from her child. It may look the opposite - that the child is struggling for more control, but ironically she is struggling not to be in control and is pushing you until you stand firm. When a child feels that she might gain control, her impulse is to push for it. She cannot resist this, as it is human nature and is exactly what she is programmed to do.

 

[IdentityCrisisMama]

Hey, are you feeling any better? My daughter is only 2 so I cant know exactly what you're going through but I can relate to feeling annoyed by your child&#8230;I can relate to sometimes not even liking them very much. I also feel somewhat guilty for saying that but I always love my child&#8230;duh.

That said, lately, my daughter and I have been slightly out of synchronicity. This is a word I took from a great child development class I took a few years ago. The basic premise is that you will come in and out of sync with your kids over the years. What gels for mother and child relationships differs with all mothers and children. I know of parents who didn't gel with infants, but loved toddlers. I hear all the time that parents are driven mad my teenage years but I'm looking forward to those times.

Perhaps your and your son are slightly out of sync right now. If that's the case I wouldn't loose too much sleep (or guilt!) over it.

I often think of this issue when I hear parents being, what seems to me, rather cocky about some parenting ease during a particular stage. I was a wonderful mother to my infant but I always counted myself luck for that stage but knew there would be a stage that I was not as well equipped (sp?) for.

Low and behold I got a toddler and the new discipline needs have been a big challenge for me. I found it so easy to just give her everything she asked for and now I have a two year old.

Okay, I've gone on and on but I also wanted to second the Continuum articles because they really helped me with a struggle that I was having with my daughter. What was happening with us was I was trying to "child center" my day thinking, incorrectly, that this would help our situation. It turns out that my daughter likes to just do her thing while I do mine and we migrate together and apart through out the day. I have to limit our completely child centered activities because they don't really work well for her. I don't really know why but this is what worked for us.

BTW, I'm also in Europe. Not looking forward to a rainy winter when our day will be much more full of specifically child centered activities.

 

[IdentityCrisisMama]

I forgot to address what you said about your husband because I can also relate to that. My husband works different hours from month to month. It's really disruptive for all of us (especially him, I guess) and we have to work hard to get all the time everyone needs. What helps for me is to give my husband a heads up about becoming stressed. I know it's hard to predict but sometimes I just say it anyway - a preemptive stress warning, if you will.
This gives him a day or two to get his "stuff" in order to take over for me. I just say that I'll be needing some time tomorrow morning or whatever. From time to time I just burst and take the time without notice but I usually have to lay on some drama for him to really buck up and deal.

A routine also helps. Could you give yourself and your husband a time of day that he is available for some tasks with the kids so you can have a break? This works well for us but we usually have to reestablish and reevaluate like every week or we slip.

Good luck&#8230;

 

[oliversmum2000]

thank you to all of you who replied so very much

we still have times when i feel aweful and cannot cope but have been having more good times too lately.

thank you all for your loving support it has been so wonderful to keep seeing the emails in my inbox teeling me i have had another response to my post you are all so kind to take time out from yur own busy lives to offer help and to listen to a total stranger, it is a testament to what fantastic people you all are.

thank you for the info on the continuum concept, maybe what oliver needs right now is a few more boundaries as he really doesnt have any as up until lately we havent needed any.

i think oliver just wants everything to be a game and i dont always have the energy for it but i have to remind myself when dressing him i could either make the effort and play while we dress or end up fighting with him and feel bad for hours after which is far more effort in the lomg run.

dh has been around more, last night he came in as i was bathing the boys, we were running late and he was home early, so i handed oliver over to him and got oscar dressed and put him to bed while colin played with oliver in the bath and then got him ready for bed while being the towel monster, basically he runs around the house growling at olibver and waving a towell at him! after that they sat and watched tv together on the sofa and i read my book and did a few things. oliver wasnt in bed till about 10pm last night but it was nice to feel part of a family again and not like a single parent.

i have bought adventures in tandem nursing and am reading that which is helping i actually managed to nurse both at the same time yesterday and didnt hate it.

i bought nice new pyjamas yesterday which made me feel really good and i fed oliver before bed for ages without feeling uncomfortable and i am sure feeling good about myself in my new pyjamas helped, am out to get a couple more sets today and give old ones to charity.

so between trying to look after myself more, trying to remember oliver is just a baby too, trying to be more playful, having dh involved more and a little retail therapy i am feeling like i am enjoying being a mother again.

plus a friend came over for lunch yesterday who is a fantastice listener and made me feel ebtter by just hearing what i had to say.

now if i could just convince baby that 5.45am is not a sociable time to get up in the mornings we would be fine!!

thanks again for all you support