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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I am sitting here feeling sick to my stomach because we had my son circumcised. I didn't research it at all before we did it--I just figured since my husband had it done, and since everyone in my family had, we would too.<br>
Now I've been researching it and I just feel heartbroken. How can I ever make it up to my child what I put him through? It makes me cry. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/guilty.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="guilty">
 

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Have you shared your research with your husband? What does he think?<br><br>
Honestly, I think everything happens for a reason.. learn your 'lesson', if you will, and do things differently in the future. You can't undo what has already been done, so give yourself time to grieve and then move on and maybe promise yourself and your son and any future sons you may have that it will never happen again.<br><br>
HTH! I feel for you! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/mecry.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="crying">
 

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Foreskin Restortion is not the issue, her feelings are. It's not her foreskin to resore.<br><br>
How do you deal with guilty or remorseful feelings over something that is irreversable?<br><br>
I guess a lot of it depends on your personlity, but I say, don't wallow around in negative felings. Take the opportunity to turn what you have learned into something positive.<br><br>
Many people involved in the anti-circumcision movement have circumcised children. Marilyn Milos for example! Don't think that just because you did something in the past that now you are going to be stuck in a limbo world- rejected by people against cicumcision and unwilling to be associated with people who are unware of the harm of it. There is a place for you and your feelings, you are now one of the victims of circumcision.<br><br>
You may have not had your genitals cut, but I know that no mother should ever hv o feel the way you do- nd MANY mothers do feel this way. The circumcision culture creates a sinkhole that swallows up unsuspecting people. It put up the very first stumbling block that causes us to tak our first faltering steps int parenthood. Why do you think they offer it to you when you are admitted BEFORE you evn are a prent? Free formula and the circumcision consent form, here, before you get to much confidence- let us undermine your belief in natural design and the perfection of the mother/infant bond.<br><br>
This was not your fault- this was the fault of the system which is designed to exploit that weakness, that lack of knowledge, that fear of the unknown, that resitance to challenge medical authority, the stats KNOW this. You know how they know about formula sample and the effect that exposure to them reduces rates of breastfeding??? This is all documented...<br><br>
well- what they did to you- tha is also documented... read this quote from the AMA and figure it out- they never talk about paental deciion making to NOT circumcie- only parental decisionmking TO cicumcise. The way the ignore the thought process of those of us ho made the "right" decision i in itslf an implication of he way they set the trap forr prents to mak a "wrong" decision. If the balance was truly equal- (between the right and wrong answer) wouldn't the AMA have to recognise the decisions that were AGAINST circumcision... instead the AMA seems to assume that the decion against circ is OBVIOUS... and they proceed to scratch their heads perplexed trying to figure out what might have caused parents to do something so illogical as circumcision.<br><br>
This is an act. They KNOW why... they do it on PURPOSE. They allow it to go on.<br><br>
So why don't you write to the AMA and tell them that you don't appreciate their coy deception and with holding. Why don't you tell them your story and tell them what you learned since then what has caused you to change your mind. Tell this to the circumciser and the OB who cared for you through 9 months of pregnancy nd left you unprepared, tell it to the hospital who provided the soundproof room, tell the nurses at the hospital, tell the local newspaper, tell your friends and reltives. Tell the bookstore which does not have a single circumcision book on the shelf with the pregnancy books. Tell everyone how unhappy you are about this and tell them that you are NOT HAPPY. Tell them your story. Don't let the myth that our culture of circumcision i onlymade of happy, proud, satisfied customeers. You don't need to tell your son to be unhappy, you don't need to dump ideas of damage on him... the damage you feel, the hurt to your maternal "record" is enough of a tragedy...<br><br>
Don't just feel sad, use your story to help other moms.<br><br>
Love Sarah<br><br><a href="http://www.ama-assn.org/ama/pub/article/2036-2511.html" target="_blank">http://www.ama-assn.org/ama/pub/article/2036-2511.html</a><br>
"A majority of boys born in the United States still undergo nonritual circumcisions. This occurs in large measure because parental decision-making is based on social or cultural expectations, rather than medical concerns.63-67 Studies from the 1980s suggested that the presentation of medical information on the potential advantages and disadvantages of circumcision had little influence on parents' decisions.64-66 This finding was recently confirmed.68 In another contemporary study, nearly half of those physicians performing circumcisions did not discuss the potential medical risks and benefits of elective circumcision prior to delivery of the infant son. Deferral of discussion until after birth, combined with the fact that many parents' decisions about circumcision are preconceived, contribute to the high rate of elective circumcision.67,68 Major factors in parental decision-making are the father's circumcision status, opinions of family members and friends, a desire for conformity in their son's appearance, and the belief that the circumcised penis is easier to care for with respect to local hygiene. "<br><br><br><a href="http://www.nocirc.org/awardsspeech.html" target="_blank">http://www.nocirc.org/awardsspeech.html</a>
 

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<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;"><i>Originally posted by Sarah</i><br><b>Foreskin Restortion is not the issue, her feelings are.</b></td>
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I think that both are issues here.<br><br>
Researching restoration may help her with her feelings. She may decide to tell her son some day that medical restoration is an option.<br><br>
It will probably also help to become a voice against circumcision, helping other mothers to avoid circumcision. Many mothers use activism as a tool to help them cope with grief.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
I just talked to DH last night about not circumcising future sons. At first he was adamant, "if we have more boys they WILL be circumcised". So, armed with what little information I'd been able to gather so far, I showed him a short movie of a circumcision. Read him information about how unneccesary and how painful it was for the baby, and basically just plead my case.<br><br>
The best I got was, "you should have done this research before". Meaning, I should have researched it before we circumcised our first son. Whether or not that means we won't circumcise future sons, I don't know. But at least he's armed with more information now. I'm wearin him down.
 

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I would tell him that as far as your first son is concerned, what's done is done, and you're not showing him the information to try to make him feel guilty. The concern now is for future sons. (Maybe he's like my brother and thinks that once you circumcize one son you are committed to circumcizing any future sons no matter what, or it wouldn't be "fair?")
 

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I really feel for you but you've gotten some good advice. I just wanted to add that it's not only "your" responsability to research parenting issues, it's BOTH parents job. So while I commend you the work your doing your dh was a bit out of line. Why didn't he do any research?
 

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<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;"><i>Originally posted by Sarah</i><br><b>Foreskin Restortion is not the issue, her feelings are.</b></td>
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I know her feelings are the issue. I was offering hugs and a thought to look into information pertaining to the male anatomy. Foreskin Restoration is an option.
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<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;"><i>Originally posted by Sarah</i><br><b>It's not her foreskin to resore.</b></td>
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No, it's not. But as a parent she can learn what it is all about so she can offer support if her ds decides to look at this option.
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<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;"><i>Originally posted by Sarah</i><br><b>How do you deal with guilty or remorseful feelings over something that is irreversable?</b></td>
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I don't know. When I figure out how I will deal with the guilt, remorse and tears over circumcising my ds, I will get back to you -<br><br>
grumpymama:<br><br>
"The only way out is through." Robert Frost<br><br>
- and -<br><br>
"I did then what I knew how to do. When you know better, you do better."<br>
~ Maya Angelou.
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
Thank you for the support Last Minute. I don't really know anything about foreskin restoration. Right now I'm just trying to learn all I can about not circumcising.<br><br>
I would like to know more about foreskin restoration too--where can I find information on that?<br><br>
Someone asked why my husband isn't doing research too. The only answer I have to that is that I think he thinks everything we are doing and have done so far is fine.<br><br>
Honestly, a couple of months ago I felt the same way. It wasn't too long ago that I turned to AP and natural parenting, and it has completely changed the way I think. Too many people don't really know much about this way of parenting. I now feel a need to try to share what I'm learning with people I know (or don't know). I wish someone had shared all this with me long ago.
 

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<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;"><i>Originally posted by grumpymama</i><br><b>I would like to know more about foreskin restoration too--where can I find information on that?</b></td>
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Ask Frankly Speaking -- he's the resident expert!
 

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My DH, who is restoring, never heard the story of his circumcision from his parents. They never told him, "we did not consent to circumcise you. Your father is intact! we don't want you to circumcise your baby, we were horrified when we discovered what was done to you, please spare your son, don't defend your circumcision because you think you have a duty to your circumciserrs... as far as we are concerned- they kidnpped you."<br><br>
nope... it's all truee, but they didn't tell him any of it.<br><br>
Instead they sat zip lipped on their hands through my pregnancy.<br><br>
Maybe they were thinking, "maybe circumcision isn't all that bad, after all, he never brought it up, never asked us why we did it... why bring up the truth if he is not asking... better let sleeping dogs lie... (or adamantly defend the scar on their penis for unknown reasons and bring trmendous stress into a marriage when our daughter in law tries to defend the genital integrity of our grandchild) Sarah is a strong willed person, she can manage all by herself, she doesn't need us to step into this conflict and explain the horrifying truth to her husband, a truth that would surely deflate the drive to circumcise... no, we will give them the space to work this out on their own..."<br><br>
My son's grandparrents sat mute while the genital intergrity of their grandson was in danger without ever once speaking up for he child. For the anatomy they both had first hand knowledge of, the the truth that had been hidden since the start.<br><br>
I do not think restoration is for anyone other than the man himself to investigate. It is not a walk in the park, and no one needs to have another set of expecations put on their body after they have already had the opposite set of expectations forced on them. I think that if man wants it, people should be supportive and hold doors open... but if a man does not want it, even suggesting it as a possibility "out there" is an imposition on him that he did not ask for and it removes the chance for him to discover it for himself.<br><br>
I'm not saying that he has to re-invent the wheel, but he can learn about it from a friend who is doing it, from a club, from a flier on the wall, from a talk show... but not from you... not from his mom or his wife or his girlfriend. Restoring men need to tell other men, "I am restoring, this is what it did for me." they don't say, "You should be restoring, this is what it might do for you." Don't tell a guy what he should do don't tell him how to fix his penis if he does not think it is broken.<br><br>
What a mom needs to do is to be honset with her son that the ONLY reason why he is circumcised is because sh did not know better, that if she had known more that shee would have respected his right to his wholebody and that she strongly hopes that he will take that to heart what he has a son, she hopes that he understands that he does not have to defend circumcision to keep her from feeling threatened.<br><br>
Can you believe it- there are guys who are that concerned about their parent's feelings that they will circumcise a baby because they are afraid, "If I don't circumcise the baby my parents might think that I don't like my own circumcision and that might make them feel worried or guilty, so I will circumcise the baby to demonstrate to them how OK I am with the idea that they circumcised me." People do it to demontrate to their peers that they re not judgmental of their friend's decision to circumcise. I heard this one... two guys were best friends- one had a son first and circumcised... when the other friend was expecting his first son his argument to his wife was that he did not want his friend to feel judged so they HAD to circumcise. People do it to please others... so it stands to reason that at some point they might NOT do it to please others.<br><br>
Tell your son that you will not be pleased if he circumcises his baby. Tell him that you expect him to respect the baby in way that you unfortunatly learned too late. And say, "I'm sorry." That's all. there is no need to bring restoraion into it.<br><br>
Love Sarah
 

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<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;"><i>Originally posted by Sarah</i><br><b>I do not think restoration is for anyone other than the man himself to investigate. It is not a walk in the park, and no one needs to have another set of expecations put on their body after they have already had the opposite set of expectations forced on them. I think that if man wants it, people should be supportive and hold doors open... but if a man does not want it, even suggesting it as a possibility "out there" is an imposition on him that he did not ask for and it removes the chance for him to discover it for himself.<br><br>
I'm not saying that he has to re-invent the wheel, but he can learn about it from a friend who is doing it, from a club, from a flier on the wall, from a talk show... but not from you... not from his mom or his wife or his girlfriend. Restoring men need to tell other men, "I am restoring, this is what it did for me." they don't say, "You should be restoring, this is what it might do for you." Don't tell a guy what he should do don't tell him how to fix his penis if he does not think it is broken.</b></td>
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You don't have to pressure them or expect them to do it or tell them they should. I'm just talking about making them aware of the option. What if you don't tell them, and then no one else does, either? And they never find out about it? How can a man know if he wants it or not if he has never heard of it? Why is it so great to let him go on thinking there is nothing wrong with his penis? If he thinks his penis is fine the way it is, where is his motivation to protect his son? If he restores his own foreskin, maybe he will be less likely to want to circ his son to make him "look like him."
 

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<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;"><i>Originally posted by Sarah</i><br><b>I do not think restoration is for anyone other than the man himself to investigate.</b></td>
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I am not going to sit on my hands mutely while I wait for my son to discover foreskin restoration on his own through a friend who is doing it, from a club, from a flier on the wall, or from a talk show.<br><br>
I am also not going to say "You should be restoring".<br><br>
I can't see myself hiding this truth from him.<br><br>
And I won't abandon him to work this out on his own.<br><br>
My circ'ed son wouldn't even touch his penis for his first three years of life when babies naturally go to that area to investigate.<br><br>
He KNOWS his penis is broken.<br><br>
Then he began incessantly fiddling with it. So much so he could only do tasks that required one hand only.<br><br>
After a year and a half of this I simply asked him "what are you doing, sweetie?" He answered "I'm fixing it."<br><br>
He pulls the foreskin over the scarred area and tries to get it to stay there where it would be if he wasn't circumcised.<br><br>
I explained to him that when he gets to be about eighteen years old I will explain how he can fix it. Don't Flame Me.<br><br>
He still fiddles with it but can now use both hands to do other things.<br><br>
Dear Brenda,<br><br>
Cry when you feel like crying. You will get through this mental anguish although it may not feel like it right now. It may never go away but the grief will become less overwhelming with time.<br><br>
Your dh's reaction to the information sounds perfectly normal considering he has just discovered what was done to him. Make sure you let him know you love him just the way he is. Give him time to process his own feelings about this.<br>
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<br><br>
For some information pertaining to foreskin restoration, look to the top of this "page". You will see:<br><br><b>MotheringDotCommune Forums > Health > The Case Against Circumcision > I feel TERRIBLE</b><br><br>
"Click" on <b>> The Case Against Circumcision ></b><br><br>
You will find the list of thread topics on that page.<br><br>
Look down the list to see a couple of threads on the topic of foreskin restoration.<br><br>
Hope This Helps.<br><br>
Last Minute Laila.
 

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RE: <i>"People do it to please others... "</i><br><br>
Well, except the one that matters most!<br><br><br><br>
I learned about foreskin restoration by very fortunate accident. If I had not had that accident, I would probably have never known about it. I wish someone had told me about it 20 years earlier. I don't think it is the right and ethical thing to do to have the knowledge and with hold it. The man you are holding it from may be the one that desperately wants it and may put him on a course that will save other men. Circumcision has been shrouded in secrecy, myth and lies since the begining. That secrecy and misrepresentation and ignorance is what has allowed it to survive as long as it has. Maintaining the secrecy will only insure it continues to survive and thrive. With the help of the internet, we have it on the run. Now is not the time to sit on our laurels. Tell mothers about the pain and crippling of circumcision and tell men that they can be nearly whole again. Shout it to the rooftops!<br><br><br><br><br>
Frank
 

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Also keep in mind that your son can sue his circumciser when he is 18. (Go to <a href="http://www.noharmm.org" target="_blank">www.noharmm.org</a> and read about litigation.)<br><br>
No, it's not about the money. It's about the act of suing--taking back the power that was taken from you and your son at the time of the circumcision. It's also about sending the message--to that doctor and to society--that circumcision is not acceptable.<br><br>
Turn your grief into anger, and your anger into action. Educate others. Give copies of <span style="text-decoration:underline;">What Your Doctor May Not Tell You About Circumcision</span> at every baby shower you attend. Leave copies at the doc's. Write letters to the editor of your local paper. Etc. (The book is by Dr. Paul Fleiss.)
 

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<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;"><i>Originally posted by grumpymama</i><br><b><br><br>
Honestly, a couple of months ago I felt the same way. It wasn't too long ago that I turned to AP and natural parenting, and it has completely changed the way I think. Too many people don't really know much about this way of parenting. I now feel a need to try to share what I'm learning with people I know (or don't know). I wish someone had shared all this with me long ago.</b></td>
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This makes my heart smile, Im so glad you are here, and are going to share with others<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/love.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="love">
 

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<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;"><i>Originally posted by Last Minute</i><br><b><br><br>
After a year and a half of this I simply asked him "what are you doing, sweetie?" He answered "I'm fixing it."<br><br>
He pulls the foreskin over the scarred area and tries to get it to stay there where it would be if he wasn't circumcised.<br><br>
I explained to him that when he gets to be about eighteen years old I will explain how he can fix it. Don't Flame Me.<br><br>
He still fiddles with it but can now use both hands to do other things.<br><br></b></td>
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Wow, that just had me in instant tears. Im not being dramatic(well purposely), but Ive never had a reaction like that. Hugs to you and your son, your a great mother Last Minute<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/love.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="love">
 
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