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i haven't been very active here lately. the last thread i posted was a couple of months ago. that thread ended up with people asking why i was still in the relationship, what was i getting out of it.<br><br><a href="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/showthread.php?t=1201130&highlight=" target="_blank">http://www.mothering.com/discussions...130&highlight=</a><br><br>
at the time, i thought the answer was "nothing" and that i was in the relationship simply by default, because leaving takes effort and i wasn't 100% convinced it was the right thing to do (thought maybe i could still "fix" things). today i finally figured out what i actually was getting.<br><br>
i guess i had cast him in my mind as this very alienated and misunderstood, wounded and unique and difficult person. if i am the only person who can love and understand him, the only person crazy - oops, i mean <i>patient</i> - enough to deal with him and in fact cater to him, this sort of one in a million person for him when nobody else would have put up with his bs, then <span>that makes me special</span>. that is what i was getting, an ego stroke essentially, and now that i see it, i also see how misguided it is and how much i really don't need that.<br><br>
nothing is official, or final, or public for that matter. i'm still gathering information and resources and strength to try to make sound decisions. but clarity is good.<br><br>
thanks for all the mental and emotional hashing out you've let me (and helped me) do here.
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> It sounds like you have done a lot of great soul searching, and I'm glad that you are working through things.
 

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Super glad to hear you are gaining understanding, moving forward, and taking control.<br><br>
When I read your posts on other people's threads, I am often struck by how much insight and common sense you have. Of course it is more difficult to "see" how things are in our own relationships, but if anyone can do it, I'm certain you can. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

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Congrats on your clarity!
 

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Yes, that is insightful, and interesting! I think in some circumstances we hang onto unsuccessful relationships (not saying that yours in particular is!) to justify the fact that we made that choice to begin with. We <i>chose</i> that person, surely there must be some merit to this, some redeeming reason we've been putting up with that... and often, there just isn't. But sometimes we make it complicated for ourselves to leave, because once we see how easy it is to <i>not</i> live that way, we might be mad at ourselves that we put up with it as long as we did.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>MissLotus</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15373620"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I think in some circumstances we hang onto unsuccessful relationships (not saying that yours in particular is!) to justify the fact that we made that choice to begin with.</div>
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oh for sure, not wanting to admit i was wrong is a big part of it too. but i was, and i know i was, so why continue making that wrong choice every day for the rest of my life?
 

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I think sometimes that woman are programed for that. It's like The Beauty and The Beast syndrome. "Everybody else thought he was such a beast but I was special and therefore able to see the beauty in him". I HATE that fairytale because I think it teaches exactly what you described. (and I've been there in a previous relationship). Good for you for recognizing that dynamic.
 

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Good for you, mama! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/joy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="joy">
 
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